I’m Sorry


Dear Friends,

If you are reading this, it is probably because you read my last post, “An Open Letter to Bearded Hipsters“. This post was published on Monday morning and at last count has been viewed 528,821 times, shared on Facebook and Twitter over 10,000 times, and commented on by a staggering 972 people. These comments were a virulent swirl of beard pride and butt hurt. It is these commenters I would like to address in this post.

I’m sorry. I had no idea how strongly people feel about facial hair. As a woman, I tend to shave and pluck my unwanted hairs, so I guess I never really thought about the deep symbolism and masculine pride men are wearing on their faces.

I made the statement that I am sexually attracted to beards. To those of you who pointed out that this is because I secretly want to sleep with my father, I thank you for your profound insight. You have saved me a fortune in therapy bills. I have done some deep soul-searching, and now realize I also want to sleep with the members of ZZ Top. And Santa Claus. In fact, as long as a man has a beard, consider my vagina open for business. I am also sorry for daring to write on my personal blog about my likes and dislikes. You are all right, that is a completely outrageous thing to do. I am humbled.

For the bearded manly men, I’m sorry for making you feel good about yourselves. Since I wrote this post, I have been introduced to an amazing group of people called “feminists”. They told me that we are living in something called a “patriarchal society” and apparently it’s guys like you that have been keeping us women down for centuries. My mind is blown! Apparently, by me wishing for a more old fashioned guy, I am encouraging the perpetuation of this nefarious system. I have gotten a library card and plan to read more about this. As a side note, I also learned that no means no.

These awesome feminists also told me that by calling a man a “pussy”, I am equating female genitalia with weakness. I’m still on the fence about that one. Honestly, I just thought it sounds funny. Plus I am always bragging about my own freakishly strong vagina, so by that logic if I call a guy a pussy I am actually calling him “amazing”. Hmmm. Food for thought, friends.

I’m sorry that I have not graduated from college. As many of you who are currently taking “Gender Studies 101″ pointed out, I am guilty of perpetuating “hetero-normative” stereotypes and even “micro aggression”. Thanks to Google, I was able to figure out what these words mean, and learn more about how to sound cool at parties. Man, I love the internet. Thanks, guys. The world is going to be a better place when you enter the workforce. Be the change, right?

For those of you who told me to stop “body shaming”, I’m sorry. I thought I was actually “face shaming”, but still. Point taken.

I’m deeply sorry for being sexist, or practicing “reverse sexism”. Honestly, I didn’t know that was a thing. I mean, didn’t we just get the right to vote? You’re right, how would I feel if the situation were reversed, and men were telling me what is a sexy way to dress and look. I have never experienced that before, but I can only imagine it would be profoundly hurtful.

For those of you who said I am perpetuating violence, and stuff like this can actually cause hate crimes, I am actually weeping with remorse. I didn’t realize that people don’t think for themselves. People could read that open letter, and since their minds are as malleable as Play Doh, they might actually hurt someone for having a hipster beard. Please don’t hurt anyone, people. I already feel bad enough. I simply cannot have that on my conscience.

To the many, many people who suggested I learn to change my own fucking tires, you’re right. I should probably also learn to feed and dress myself. I’m sorry. Nicki Daniels is a work in progress. Baby steps.

And to the hipsters themselves…where to begin? Yes, I know that hipster bashing is so 2005. From now on I will try to be more on-trend and topical with my disdain. And you’re right, the world IS changing. I will try to keep up. I also now realize that making fun of overprivileged white people is very, very naughty. As of today, I vow to only kick the paralyzed and slap the retarded. By the way, if you guys are looking for some chicks, check out those feminists I mentioned above. They have more enlightened views about masculinity than I do, even if they will keep your balls in their bell jar.

Lastly, I am sorry for blogging in the first place. “They” really will give a blog to anyone. I didn’t realize that writing is a Godlike, sacred power. That every time I sit down to write, I must think: how will this impact every person in the world? Will I offend anyone? Could anyone possibly be hurt?

Sadly, this is impossible. But I really love writing. So, as of Monday, “The Nicki Daniels Interview” will change to “Funtime Happyplace” and will feature my thoughts on navel lint and lots of GIFs of dancing cats.

Hope to see ya there!


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377 comments on “I’m Sorry

  1. Grady says:

    Hey, faggot with a beard here. Just wanted to let you know you’re not funny and just because a bunch of ugly bitches and back road hicks cheer on your posts it doesn’t make you any better of a writer.

  2. Aly Nicklas says:

    I fucking love you. Rock on girl!

  3. dissent21 says:

    Hey. No worries, Niki. You seem to have shit handled, but I agree with you. As someone who is a month away from exiting the army, and eagerly awaits a chance to grow my own beard while I work on my truck and do construction for a living, I agree with you. (Before I go further, can I just say I didn’t read any of these other comments? Cause I didn’t) “Manliness” today, has a lack of meaning. There is a breakdown in what masculinity really means, and, instead of addressing issue and trying to figure it out, it seems most men these days are content to just agree with whatever the prevailing theory is in their particular social circle and move on. Fuck that noise. A real man determines for himself what he believes, and sticks to it, come hell or high water. Even when it’s fucking miserable. I think there are a lot of issues in society today, but I think a lot of them would be solved if men today remembered what the fuck it meant to BE A MAN. Oh well. I’m just gonna grow my fantastic beard, clean my guns, and move on with my life. We’re all doomed at this rate, anyways.

  4. Trav says:

    Hey Niki,
    I feel like the only response necessary and appropriate for either of your post has been missed. I’m not going to divulge my love for South by SouthWest or tell you that balls make a good mantle piece. My friends and I have actually laughed at how funny balls would seem hanging alone with no accompanying member, I feel as though we can agree on that. I like a few bands that have played SxSW ( i hope this is an appropriate way to abbreviate it), I haven’t checked, but if your close to my age, you probably have too. My point being, I can change a tire (actually I’ve changed the suspension in a car before), cook dinner, possess one of those nifty college degrees you spoke of (in philosophy, so I have an idea about feminism), and respect your opinion on beards. I guess the part I missed was your basis for the idea that men with beards are more chivalrous; gentleman-like. The beard has signified many things, but I don’t think respect for women has been one of those. Power, wisdom, homelessness, etc. I write this as a man with the aforementioned qualities and a beard. I grew a beard because I was one of the first kids in my younger years with facial hair, realized then that shaving sucks, and that if I do so, I look 10 years younger. I never had the inclination that growing a beard was directly linked to chopping down trees and opening car doors. As for the products for beards, an unruly nasty beard is not wanted by either sex, trust me. Other than what I have mentioned, I agree with you. A beard for style or irony is silly. Grow it because you want to, not because you saw an instagram post with 347 likes.

    • Jelly Flavored Kely says:

      I think you missed her point… She said her vagina is open for men with beards. This is a basic desire to f$*k men with beards. :)

  5. Mountainbeardman says:

    Thank you, thank you! This made my week! Freaking hilarious! Just discovered your blog and look forward to other gems like this one! Awesome, simply awesome!

  6. lustforlife says:

    You are awesome!

  7. Vifargent says:

    A/ Hilarious B/True (and I live in Portland, so I KNOW); C/ You’re brave and I’m totally glad I gave up personal blogging because I am so totally not! D/ Hilarious, *and* True, and it’s far, far worse when they’re in tight short shorts and also happen to be riding 12-ft tricycles in glasses with no lenses and ladies’ 80s ankle cowboy boots and John Deere tube socks over faded salmon-hued leggings one-handedly playing the ukelele while drudging out rhythm on harmonica (but at least that way you perhaps get a warning that they may not be conversant with basic mechanics/electronics/physics/life???

    It’s not the beard itself, I don’t think. It’s that the hipsters are demanding that the semiotics of the beard be reconstituted or reimagined – but no one else is on board, so we’re still expecting a guy possessed of beard-&-Mackinaw/ beard & engineer boots/ beard & axle-grease-coated Levi’s to have some idea how to drive a manual, or (less likely yet) compression-start, not to mention at least *identify* a circuit breaker or water main, or know a bull from a cow. But the codes have been changed without our consent (everybody’s, not just ladies’), so it’ s confusing. Like if suddenly all programmers started steroid supplements and huge exercise regimes and we had to root though that pool, in a gym, instead of the previous default to find a decent coder for a project: it would be totally counterintuitive.

    That, then, I posit, is their real harm. They’ve gone and wrecked that quite useful intuition, which is to say the social contract. I presume a butch is a butch, and not a hidden Barbie starlet; I figure the guy in blood-stained whites with acrylic gloves ob, a knife in his hand, and a primal behind him is the butcher, and I like to be confident in supposing that the dude with an ancient foam-fronted cap on his head, fly-fishing reels in his hand, and waders on, is my fishing guy, and not just some weirdo from the suburbs trying to instantiate some ersatz Americana Olde Tyme Gentleman.

    Why? Because that’s radically lame

  8. Awesome. You’re awesome and I love your blog!

  9. Oh you seem to have easily crushed everyone that took issue with you, that was cool x

  10. Rio says:

    I meant many readers. ::blushed::

  11. Rio says:

    I can show you how to write a nice blog. Of course I don’t have man readers. :( (sad face).

  12. Vin says:

    Well, that was a fun way to discover your blog!

    Loved every word. I am an old man (forty is old in the internet, right?) who chose to move out of the neighborhood in which I resided for fifteen years because it became a hipster enclave filled with the sorts of Omega Men you so incisively described.

    The boys who flocked here to defend the honor of their fancily groomed facial hair and their artisinal ways…well, the “doth protest too much” thing comes to mind.

  13. Girly girls and manly men are BORING says:

    I think it’s cool that guys can get to be nancyboys with impunity. I like the baby faced look, preferably someone manly enough to rock out some eyeliner without having to check and make sure he still has balls. News Flash: he DOES!

    Bread, brawn and a concealed gun don’t make a man. Just like breasts, cooking and cleaning house don’t make a woman…

  14. David M says:

    wow, if all your apologies are this hilariously written, i hope someone insults you again soon.
    btw, you must have created that commenter “kafkaesque sparrow.” Nice job on that, too. One of the best pieces of satire I’ve seen in a while.

  15. Tim McEown says:

    Aren’t you the saucy little baggage. I think what I enjoyed most about this whole experience is how pointed you were about your own agency. And how fucking correct you were with the assorted beardy douchebaggery. (I read about your work at Andrew Sullivan’s ‘The Dish’ which is also something notable). Thanks woman.

  16. While I think you pretty likely have a stilted throwback notion of gender that I wouldn’t want to touch with a pole of indeterminate length, just keep doing what you’re doing. There are many many similar womens with throwback attitudes to gender responsibilities, but most of them hide it and spring it at the least opportune time– like after you’ve committed. All of the closeted 50′s sissy-girls should be so loud-and-proud, it would greatly help with the sorting. If you can’t/won’t change a tire and think ball-bearing BeardMan needs to (srsly? changing tires? this is the standard?) then it’s best you go Kardashian it with a similarly stilted Beardy McManly type and not pee in the pool the rest of us swim in.

    • Tim McEown says:

      Your snark is savagely sub-par dude. I’m also pretty sure you could use a de-literalizing enema. If you can’t joke about beardy hipsters and beard hipsters can’t take a joke then it is time for all of us to pack it in and make room for people who aren’t so tragically sensitive about their facial hair choices. You are so proving her point.

      • Er ah um… but I don’t have a beard, and it’s not snark. I am seriously encouraging all the folks who think like this to be so open about their deep down simplifications. I think it’s great, or at least a lot greater than hiding it. And this lady’s-lady writes in a refreshingly unselfconscious style that I enjoy!

        As an equal-opportunity modern liberal type, I hope a similarly talented internet scribe of the male persuasion goes off on a rant about ugly fat chicks with small boobies and fertility problems who have the temerity to wear dainty floral summer dresses. HIDEOUS SHE-BEASTS!!!! LOSE WEIGHT AND GET IMPLANTS!!! amirite, dude?

  17. Heather D says:

    You. Are. My. Hero. ‘Nuff said.

  18. Your apology is only rivaled by the post it needlessly apologizes for. Well done on both counts. [Standing ovation.]

  19. keesetl says:

    I was sad when I saw you had an apology. Then I read it. You’re awesome.
    -Bearded Man with a Hammer, Tire Iron, and Socket Set.

  20. Claire says:

    You are awesome!

  21. KafkaesqueSparrow says:

    Before I go apeshit and shred you to pieces I’d like to start by letting you know that you’re a pretentious pseudointellectual who feigns intelligence and this excrement of yours which you consider “creative writing”, is hilariously pathetic even though you try very hard to be funny, witty and sarcastic while failing miserably. Somewhat ironic I suppose. Anyways I couldn’t be bothered to put in the effort to read any of your previous posts or even the one you’re apologizing for. Coming from an immigrant background where I’ve had every single outrageous murderous racial slur thrown at me, I could hardly be offended by a privileged degenerate white girl with a delusional sense of her own self worth. I just absolutely relish tearing apart dumb bitches who have their heads right up their wide fat c*nt and putting them back in their places where they belong. I can also tell that you were deeply overwhelmed and intimidated by the response your last article got even though you tried very hard to hide your own fear behind that veil of supposed irony and sarcasm. I’m just here to add more insult to injury and make you hate your existence even more and the stupid choices you made. So let me get a few things clear for you so you can understand them well. You’re a shit writer who knows it who won’t get anywhere with it. Your only audience includes gun toting bearded rednecks(which your husband is one I presume) who are inadequate in the you know what department so their wives use the barrel to satisfy themselves and the other being pansy ass hipster “men” (“You go girl!” types) who seek approval from outspoken women like yourself to compensate for their own lack of masculinity. Continuing on with the list, you said somewhere you’re a slut, but you were kidding, but you know you actually weren’t, so you actually are, so your daughter is stuck with a shitty role model and a slut for a mom so I feel bad for her. (Yes, family is not off limits for me, Goddamn I’m such a POS scumbag aren’t I). You said somewhere you were a recovering drug addict, but maybe I just imagined that since I haven’t actually read any of your stuff, but I’m gonna generalize and assume anyways since you have tattoos and also look like one. Must be hard to live with yourself. Forgot what I was gonna say next. Anyways I’ll go for now, but before leaving I’ll just say one more mean juvenile thing and that is that picture of yours looks like your bearded macho super super manly man who you have a fetish for defecated on your face the shape of a mustache to fulfill some twisted unfulfilled fantasy of yours. Bye.

    • Kevin the Wizard says:

      Man, someone just got real butthurt. You need to chill out, homie.

      • Kieran says:

        Haha, gold…

        • KafkaesqueSparrow says:

          Are you one of her long lost kids she popped out in the can when she was fucking random dudes years ago? Replying to every post and defending mommy’s honor aren’t ya? What do you get for this in return? Does she let you suck a tit or something?

          • hemmingplay says:

            KafkaesqueSparrow sounds like the name a bearded hipster would pick.

          • You need to be euthanized, buddy.

            • KafkaesqueSparrow says:

              Haha! That wall of irony and sarcasm finally came crashing down didn’t it? So naturally your only response would be a pathetic go kill yourself. What happened? Ran out of clever things to say? Where’s the creativity juice? Now before I say anything else to demean you just let me tell you where I’m coming from. Hear me out.

              I am not a bearded hipster. As I’ve said before I come from an immigrant background. This ethnic religious identity is something I take seriously. Where I come from is for you to figure out. Members of my community were massacred in a temple almost 2 years ago. The issue here which you know as well is my beef with you regarding facial hair.
              Hair is something we consider sacred in our culture and religion. It is a gift from God. Meant to be preserved and cherished. We don’t shave. We don’t cut our hair. We tie it up in a turban. My ancestors were brutally persecuted, cut up and burned alive in the past centuries trying to preserve their religion and these ideals. They chose to voluntarily identify themselves as members of this group rather than take the easy way out and hide themselves in a crowd and look like everyone else. You trivialized these things we hold so dear and mocked those who don’t fit your fetish. Essentially you said that the only persons allowed to possess facial hair are those that play along with this fucked up notion you have based on tingling in your crotch, and all others are weak, emasculate posers. When you mock my ancestors and mock our purpose in life, I’m gonna come at you guns blazing ready to tear your asshole apart. I know. It’s some fucked up third world bullshit that’s ingrained in my psyche which I take very seriously. Family, Religion, Honor and Pride. You would never understand. And I know that you had no intention of offending anybody. But you sheer ignorance is what got me going. Especially if it’s coming from know it all former prostitute and self proclaimed life coach. If you tried to live even a little bit outside that white girl bubble of yours, you’d realize that not everyone with a beard is a lumberjack or a pretentious hipster. Some of them are decent hardworking people with different cultural values, who don’t step on anybody’s toes.

              I could have gone the PC route and told you how its not good to try and offend other people who are different and keep their feelings in mind. But now you know if you don’t know what you’re talking about , assholes like me are gonna come at you and try and make you miserable. Waiting for the pissed off rednecks and closet white supremacists to shit themselves while they whine about how we can’t say anything without offending some minority. Meanwhile me and my relatives are gonna go buy up some more gas stations and convenience stores.

              • Lala says:

                Her open letter doesn’t even apply to you. It was directed to hipsters w beards. You are mixing issues here dude! Bringing your culture and religion. Nobody here is talking about your kind of beard! Nobody is accusing you or judging you. Yet you come here full of insults and stereotypes with this I’m so smart and above all of this attitude. While getting more nasty and low with every new reply.

                The original post was a light hearted funny entry about why she dislikes hipsters with beards. How you mixed that with her attacking your culture, religion and even your relatives is beyond me. Quite self centered I would say.

    • Kookkat says:

      That reply was so stupid I’ll bet you jacked off while you wrote it, didn’t you?

      “Unnnnnnnnn … I just referenced her cunt … hunnnnnnnnn … oh god she said she was a slut she might let me fuck her …… hunnnn hunnnn UUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNN oh god there’s a mirror I’m so fucking handsome with my oiled and hipster beard CUM CUM CUM CUM CUM CUM CUM CUM CUM … CUUUUUUUUUUM …”

      … sorry, that’s all I heard when reading your words…

    • Claire says:

      Didn’t even read that verbal diarrhea that splattered out onto your keyboard. Why? Because I knew by the first sentence my life and the world I live in would be a better place if I didn’t.

    • Kieran says:

      I wish I could see you in person so I could hold you down, shave off that facial hair you don’t deserve to have and kick you where your balls should be. You’ve never had sex, have you?

      • KafkaesqueSparrow says:

        Your mother(wife/sister) would disagree.

      • Kookkat says:

        BAHAHA! Best Comment Yet, as is proven by his lame “Uh uh um … Yer MOM!!!” quip back. I’m tingling in places I’m not sure I should tingle… You must have a beard. Or, if you’re a female, you must be the one who’s destined to turn me lesbian.
        Go Kieran! Woot!

        • KafkaesqueSparrow says:

          Your incoherent ramblings are consistent with the limited mental capabilities of a bimbo. What the fuck are you even saying? Better get back to your starbucks, and iphone while you shop around at the mall wearing your UGGS. I know this makes your little head hurt.

          And to the dudes she just invited to come pay a visit inside her crotch. Be warned. Shit’s deeper than a collapsed black hole. Your dick and balls might fall off and be forever lost inside.

    • Miss Chill Pill says:

      Why don’t you break the ‘hater’ cycle man? Sounds like you’ve had a few choice slurs thrown your way in the past. Rise above it. Anything’s possible.

      • Laura says:

        No kidding! I doubt his Sikh ancestors would be proud of his trolling. I do have to tip my hat to him though – he’s the first unlikeable Sikh I’ve ever come across. Or he hates Sikhs and is just a troll trying to stir up hate against them, Fred Phelps style. Actually yes, that makes more sense.

    • Steeevyo says:

      “but maybe I just imagined that since I haven’t actually read any of your stuff,”

      translates to

      “read every single blog post obsessively”

    • pruitigoe says:

      >>I’d like to start by letting you know that you’re a pretentious pseudointellectual who feigns intelligence<< says the douche with a kafka reference in their avatar name. Really, lighten up Francis.

    • lajik says:

      10:1 says KafkaesfagSparrow is a disgruntled ex of the op.

  22. pieterk515 says:

    Hilarious apology. I must be stupid because I don’t get what’s up with the huge controversy. All over a little facial hair?

  23. Mateo says:

    And let that be a lesson to you

  24. Jude S-R says:

    Omg I want to hug you and pet you and name you George because you are epic. I can’t even describe the adoration I have for your point of view. Hell yes to expressing your point of view, especially when doing so just seems to piss off everyone who ever hears it. Yay for pissing off people who need to keep their nose in their own damned business. ;)

  25. Erin H says:

    This makes me so happy in so many ways. Even if there are aspects that I don’t agree with (except that I agree with everything) I love how you can come out and call it like you see it. Popular opinion be damned. I think we could use more people like you. The ridiculous “don’t step on anyone’s toes or have opinions” society that has emerged as of late is getting ridiculous. You have a new follower. In a totally not creepy way.

  26. I agree with everything you said in your last post, except for the Glasses thing, I just like thick frames.

    as for this post, I thoroughly enjoyed the sarcasm. Which I was hoping for, but you took it to another level. good on you.

  27. Luke says:

    Please marry me and my beard

    Ps I don’t care what you look like as long as you stroke my beard

  28. the submariner your mom warned you about and your dad wishes he was says:

    To the angry girl with daddy issues who doesn’t know what she wants in a man that wrote the article (and subsequent poor excuse of an apology):

    Yes. I do have a beard. Yes. I do maintain it (sort-of). Yes. I do wear a $700 suit and a $100 tie to work. Yes I can explain, in detail, the difference between a macchiato and and americano. Yes. I can speak eloquently and intelligently about international politics and economics. Yes. I can tell the difference between a violin and a viola. Yes. I have been to art museums several times this year (and have a penchant for all things Renoir).

    I can also frame a house, rebuild an engine, write a computer program (or design a relational database), clean a fish, butcher a deer, start a fire without a lighter or matches, tile a bathroom, repair a roof, perfectly grill a steak, live for weeks in the wilderness and ride a bicycle a hundred miles in one day.

    My beard is not a fashion statement. My beard is not compensation for a lack of ‘manliness’. My beard exists because I like the way it feels. I like to run my fingers through it while I talk to you about the latest article I’ve read on the pursuit of a fusion reactor or a new beer recipe.

    Please, don’t assume to know anything about me. And don’t confuse me with commercial fisherman, anyone from the cast of Duck Dynasty, the hillbilly from West Virginia that your sister is dating, or that liberal arts socialist studying Keynes at Starbucks. It will be better for both of us.

    • Laura says:

      Wow, you can do a lot of things. Sad that “take a joke” ain’t one of them.

    • Dan A says:

      This would have been quicker if you had said, “I am Man… I can do everything” but I guess you were going for eloquence!

    • Slacker70 says:

      Dear Butthurt Douche-Tard,

      Chillax asshat! If all you claim is true then she wasn’t talking to /about you.

      • Kieran says:

        Nah, he’s a butthurt little boy, even if he can do all those things. She was DEFINITELY talking about him.

        Cut your beard off, nancy boy. You don’t have the balls to pull it off.

    • lushlife says:

      Well, he can wash out 44 pairs of socks and have ‘em hangin out on the line
      He can starch & iron 2 dozens shirts ‘fore you can count from 1 to 9
      He can scoop up a great big dipper full of lard from the drippins can
      Throw it in the skillet, go out & do his shopping, be back before it melts in the pan
      ‘Cause he’s a
      Bearded Man….

  29. Alex Bromley says:

    Fantastic blog posts, both. You’ve got some new fans.

  30. Beard Oil says:

    […] should be regarded as such.  Apparently there was a huge backlash and she issued an equally funny Apology.  I personally didn’t take offense to these articles, but it got me thinking though – […]

  31. You are a great and entertaining writer! Though I was slightly offended by some of the things you wrote about, I was highly entertained by all of it. I can change a tire, and own a hammer…is that all it takes to be manly? My wife has more power tools than me (she’s also more handy), so I guess I might as well throw my dick in the trash as it has been rendered worthless. My weak attempt to imitate you…anyway…keep it up! I dig your writing…maybe I’ll start reading your blog or something

  32. A Damn says:

    You’re awesome…
    I’ll change your tyres any day, I have a beard AND own a hammer (and three different kinds of nail gun).

  33. I love both of your articles, don’t let the hatters get ya down. Honestly if you were to change anything about how you write, you would have lost one of your fans (although I am only one follower, I still hope that means something). From one fellow sassy writer to another, keep on sticking it to ‘the man’ (and his beard).

  34. […] It was so popular — both loved and hated — that she even published a follow-up, “I’m Sorry.” […]

  35. JG says:

    Pure Awesomeness -

    - bearded whatever

  36. BNick says:

    Non-ironic bearded man here. Post was awesome. F hipsters.

  37. I’m sorry people were mean to you about your very funny article…except that I’m not because this apology is even funnier than the article that caused it!

  38. Once again, hysterical. Love it

  39. hemmingplay says:

    Will you marry me? I mean, if I weren’t married and we knew each other. Or liked each other. You know, then?

    You had me at “vegan nancy boys”. :-)

  40. Derik says:

    I agreed with your beard article. I too am annoying by those stupid pin-striped beards, and beards that don’t have any functional purpose. I grow a beard every winter for warmth. I fish all year, and believe me, an untrimmed bushy beard helps quite a bit in single digit temps (and lower). This year, I think I will continue growing through the summer just because I have been recently inspired by Duck Dynasty.

  41. James says:

    I’m pretty sure you are a hipster, which means it is cool to talk about hipsters. Takes one to know one. I failed to read this article and the one before. It was very long, and not important enough to read. It was important enough to leave a comment… why? Because if not, I would not feel special, you know? I will be saving this, so when I am on the toilet I can read it.. Seems like a good plan… You should change the background color, it totally makes me unhappy; and my happiness is all that matters.

  42. Honestly, I don’t think I’ve ever read something as hilarious as this! I mean, of course, there must’ve been something out there, but the way you tackled your haters by going all “I AGREE, YOU WERE RIGHT” had me itching to click that button up there. Yes, that one. The one that says FOLLOW.
    (I promise I do NOT have stalker tendencies).

  43. Majdulin says:

    I was sitting in my creative writing class not even a few hours ago when my teacher decided to send us a link to your blog. Somehow I found my way over here.

    I’ve been reading your blog for a whole of two minutes and I’m already in love with you…

    Twice now I’ve found myself picking up my club of idiocy, reaching through the internet and gently tapping *read bludgeoning* several idiots on the nose.

    I’ve never followed a blog before but there is a first for everything…

  44. zumbalala says:

    Absolutely brilliant. Just completely brilliant. And I shaved my 9 year old beard at thanksgiving. At my girlfriends orders. Who ordered me to grow it in the first place. Really, no guy really cares about keeping his face warm, does he? Well, maybe not in THAT way. Loved reading both blogs. Thank you!!!

  45. lorien says:

    You are a genius and I love you. Anyone who was offended by anything you have written doesn’t have a sense of humor, isn’t able to stand in awe of the infinite multitudes of differing perspectives that give rise to all art, poetry, fun, and beauty that make being human worthwhile, and they’re probably just dumb. Therefore, fuck those pussies. And keep writing, because the world needs more people who are brilliant and articulate to just keep being themselves in the face of all this of ignorance, stupidity, and small-mindedness. Go get ‘em!

  46. […] It was so popular — both loved and hated — that she even published a follow-up, “I’m Sorry.” […]

  47. I am a gay manly bearded man. I have had a beard since I left the Army in 1985, won a bearded manly man contest in 95, used an allen wrench recently to repair a piece of furniture, have changed several tires, not to mention an alternator (twice),a starter, brake pads, signal lights and patched a radiator hose outside Yankee stadium using epoxy, paper towels, and sneaker laces from my trunk. I think your original post hit the nail right on the head. Some bearded hipsters may be cute (if they weigh over 200 lbs) but they are grown for the wrong reasons. I recall in college being told to shave my beard over and over by my friends and when I did just to show them one reason why I grew it, they chided me for having a deep voice with a baby face. One of their girl friends said they were just jealous, but I digress.

    My pet peeve is, if you ARE going to grow a beard at least let it be a fairly thick full one! I can’t stand the peach fuzz and patchy pubic growth that many hope pass for a beard. If you can’t grow it right, SHAVE it. I hope your article has inspired many to shave. And lets face it, some of them are pussies. Lets call em wussies and not piss off the rad fems. My partner is an honorary rad fem so I hear the lingo every day.

  48. Laura says:

    I’m a bearded feminist lesbian hipster and I approve this blog. Beware of anyone who uses the word “hetero-normative” – they probably also think the song “Royals” is racist.

  49. OMG, so many things about this sum up EXACTLY why I left my study of anthropology! Let’s just say that I got really sick and tired of hearing people use 5 dollar words to waylay common sense and berate reality. I think higher education and highly specialized fields of study are systematically destroying our ability actually think through a problem (or obtain and use wisdom for that matter). The phrase “just smart enough to be stupid” comes to mind …

    • Lili says:

      Nicki! I just found your hipster beard post via Die Hipster, and two things happened: I peed a little from laughing so hard, and then I was seized with jealousy that I didn’t write it myself. But I will just have to settle for printing it on an illuminated manuscript and laminating it. Then I found this apology letter, and you are now my spirit animal.

  50. BigJ says:

    Ho. Ly. Shit.

    Fuck it, I don’t care if I’ve never followed a blog in my life before. If anything you write is even half as hilariously verbose in curses, I’ll be satisfied. If there wasn’t such an age gap I’d also date your ass so hard.

  51. Jessica says:

    I stumbled upon your Open Letter on my Newsfeed, and I’m glad that I did. It was the highlight of my morning.

  52. misty says:

    I have never agreed more with another woman ever ever ever until now. THANK YOU. And it sounds like you got attacked by tumblr LOL.

  53. lisarpetty says:

    If I were gay, and not already married to a man who shaves his hunting facemask, I would marry you in a state where that sort of thing was allowed. I LOVE this blog and the original, you writing God you. Please tell me that you will be at BlogHer or BlogU.
    I’m following you. I mean your blog. I’m not creepy.

  54. My scraggly beard and I salute you!

  55. H says:

    On behalf of those who’ve been left for a pedobearded-hipster-in-a-band by a ‘rock chick’, thank you for that.

    I almost miss the times when Jack Daniels made for cool T-shirts. I have now seen a pink one. On a brony. Who is only being ‘ironic’.

  56. Trevor says:

    Girl you are fantastic. If our paths ever cross me and my beard are buying the drinks. I cant promice to smell of engine oil because i spend my days fixing helicopters out in the cold so jet fuel is my cologne of choice. Dont change yourself a bit just because of the haters. Haters gotta hate. Lol.

  57. Steve says:

    I’m really glad I found this blog, as it’s not very often I find someone as opinionated as myself. Keep up the good work and I look forward to seeing more of your writing.

  58. Cinthya says:

    You are awesome. You’ve made crack up so much on that open letter. Don’t stop doing what you love and what you’re so great at.

  59. Taryn says:

    Never stop writing! Your word porn can still reach the unadulterated generations to come, there’s still hope. Fight the power! ✊

  60. curvyroads says:

    New follower here. Brilliant response to the haters…YOUR blog, YOUR opinions. Lucky for us that you have such an eloquent and hilarious way of sharing your opinions.

    • Thanks, girl! I know, right? How dare I talk about my opinions on my personal blog.

      • Sorrytodisagree says:

        So it’s okay to say whatever you like in a public space, as long as it’s your opinion. No matter how insulting, offensive, belittling and just out right petty and hateful way you say it? I’ll remember that….

        And it’s so brave and witty to act like a complete sacarastic ass, a moron that can’t make any valid points just petty insults and cry about “butthurt” people sharing their opinion.

        Not about the subject matter, its about what a bitter sad human being you are (but hey saying what you like is fine, it’s just people who don’t agree are sad or “haters” right).

        PS. you do realize how much you reinforce gender stereotypes and even use being feminine as an insult. Sounds less like you were attack by tumblr and more like you just have a glorified hypocritical tumblr hate blog and people called you out on spouting the typical moronic bullshit. 38 years old…isn’t it long past time you grew the hell up and stopped acting like spoilt child who got caught with their hand in the cookie jar and now cries about how “hard” and “persecuted” they are, what next you going to threaten to call childline? I’d wish you and people like you would vanish from the public eye but sadly there’s no shortage of “free thinkers” (idiotic hypocrites and sheep) to praise every piece of foul smelling gas that you release out of your mouth. Just because someone agrees with you on the internet doesn’t make you correct or a decent human being, theres plenty of examples out there to prove that and I shouldn’t even need to mention them, though I wouldn’t be surprised in your self-centered world you couldn’t think of them (you’ve already showing thinking is hard for you, poor thing).

        • Steven Ashton says:

          You sound like the sort of person who spent her Friday nights as a teenager at home with the cat because nobody wanted her at their parties.

        • Majdulin says:

          “I’d wish you and people like you would vanish from the public eye but sadly there’s no shortage of “free thinkers” (idiotic hypocrites and sheep) to praise every piece of foul smelling gas that you release out of your mouth.” (Sorrytodisagree)

          Do tell love… what are you doing exactly then?

        • Mike says:

          This was a pretty light hearted blog. Why so angry hmmm. I can’t tell if your a man or a women. Free thinking and intelligence is two things you clearly lack. What the fuck is caught in the cookie jar mean please expand. Were you a fat child only allowed two cookies a day and cried like a baby if not allowed three. My family member is far from hateful and has been through much more than you in life for that i am certain. Coming from someone with sociopathic tendencies ” I’d like to crush you like an insect but i don’t want to do the time.”

        • Slacker70 says:

          Cool story babe, now go make me a sandwich. . . .

        • Kieran says:

          Lift up your skirt and dry your eyes before your fucking tiara slips off. I love how your “PS” was more than half your comment, you snivelling little sook. Drop out of your gender studies degree and get yourself some aggressive hard dick. Sounds like you are SCREAMING for it.

  61. Andrew says:

    You are in luck! Red is all I have to offer. I prefer it be shipped to Alaska. It enjoys long walks on a bear infested beach catching salmon. If I can remain attached to it, that would be alright too.

  62. Sasquatch says:

    You are seemingly channeling Portland’s very own Storm Large (who has a personal history not unlike your own). You should check her out, in particular her song “My Vagina Is Eight Miles Wide”. (

    Storm scares me a little, but I still want to club your husband Ryan and drag you out of hillbillyville to beautiful Oregon. Sadly, I’m old enough to be your father. Hey, wait ….

  63. Andrew says:

    Ma’am you can wear my beard as a merkin any day!

  64. You fucking rule. That is all.

  65. Well played. After your last article, I said… you know… you are right, and shaved my beard. Now I don’t look like everyone else out at the dive bars I go to order my $2 PBRs at.

  66. Jami says:

    While I’ve always tried to support those who I believe have the best of intentions for standing up for women (and men, for that matter), I really resonated with your thoughts, and I think this ‘edge’ is where learning occurs around this rather irritating topic of gender equality (and beard equality, of course!!!). Thank you for having guts to speak straight from your hilarious heart, you HUMAN BEING you!

    • I will stand up for anyone who is trying to be themselves. What gets my blood boiling is hypocrisy, smugness, and pedantic opining from people who haven’t even lived life yet.

      • Just a Guy says:

        You’re absolutely right. Only former drug-addicted felons have any life experience.

        How about this: As long as you and your fellow working class losers keep to yourself and continue serving me drinks, mowing my lawn, and servicing my car when it breaks down, you can have your silly online blog. I’m not incapable of doing these things, but I’m busy, and it’s much more convenient to pay some tattooed felon to do it for me.

        The reason you’re so popular is because you fill a void that has long needed to be filled. You give a voice to unintelligible morons. The blue-collar idiots have been desperately searching for someone who can form a proper sentence to represent them. Let’s hope you’re still around when their jobs are taken over by computerization.

        • You’re so busy you’ve dropped by this site twice in two days to leave almost the same comment and copy and paste the same link. Although I’m surprised you get wifi under your bridge, troll.

          • Just a Guy says:

            One of the privileges of having a job in an office is being able to browse the internet at work. Now shut the fuck up and go back to writing contemptuous blog posts so your peon followers can feel better about themselves.

        • Kieran says:

          What fucking private school did the douchebag just come from? What a COCKHEAD!

  67. Bethany says:

    You go girl!! Love the sarcasm. Of course the pussy hipsters would get their panties in a wad. How dare you point out how generic they are. Hipsters are unique! Especially the ones with their beards!!! The fact that they took the time to respond to you just goes to show how insecure they are about themselves; probably clutching their French bulldogs and crying while listening to some cool, obscure band we’ve never had the priveledge of hearing. YOU GO GIRL!!!

  68. Isabella says:

    I was so fucking happy when I saw that this was a hilarious sarcastic post and not a legit apology.

  69. This is too funny. Good for you for addressing this craziness. :)

  70. aqilaqamar says:

    Uh, is the Bell Jar a sylvia plath reference because I noticed plath is a lot prevalent in the internet nowadays. As for your article I don’t really care. Guys can have beards or hair long or whatever. I find manliness word itself difficult to quantify because personally being able to cook from scratch is also manliness also fighting a competent girl with equivalent strength. I don’t know much about hipster culture but their clothes style appeals to me a bit I am coloured so I really don’t mind but yes if your article was satirical to begin with I don’t see why people were bashing on it so much. You like beards and men and you like a certain type of man and maybe you got annoyed that man isn’t around and put a comical spin in it; it wasn’t racist so I don’t get the hate or accolades. But for your writing style I do like that. Thanks :)

  71. Jonny kadnar says:

    Amazing article. Both the article itself and the apology. I’m an ex army guy, two tours in Afghanistan, where as an infantry soldier, required to shave quite often. Considering we were submersed in a culture of bearded men, length and fullness of a beard meant greater authority, you would think visiting soldiers would be allowed to have one. When I think beard I think special forces, every army guy’s hero… Another reason why we weren’t allowed to grow one… They tend to cause an increase in the LCF (look cool factor) and an increase in confidence, and deterring the afghan army from wanting to rape us, because of our smooth baby faces. I’m out now bit still can’t grow a beard because of a gas mask requirement… I do armed security at a nuke plant. You can just imagine how I feel about Beards and bow ties + lattes. You seem to be receiving comments from a lot of narrow minded folks that are expert book readers. I dare any of them to get out into the world for a few years then come back with the same opinions.

    I loved your article, keep em coming!

    • I fucking agree. It’s easy to spew ideals from your insulated, pampered college bubble but until you have lived life, gone through some real pain, maybe even hit bottom, you haven’t discovered yourself as a person. And until you have, your opinion means shit to me.

  72. Billybob says:

    This is absolutely fantastic, the sarcasm is palpable. I’m still crying from laughing so hard. Genuinely, thank you

  73. Holy shit, this is brilliant in multiple ways!

    I was led to your original post in a roundabout way (a soap-opera of a magnitude that’s both dismaying, but also cause for my personal relief for being a deliberate outsider). The only reason I no longer feel guilty for wasting time trying to get to the bottom of said soap opera, is that it led me to this particular post.

    I’ve read your jail piece and the beard one, but this one here, has won me over.

  74. Gavin says:

    You my dear are fucken amazing. Keep up the good work.


    True bearded mountain man

  75. Rory says:

    Hahaaaaa!! Absolutely brilliant!!! Love it :)

  76. Emily says:

    Just the other day I had mentioned to my friend the folly of male bashing (excluding bearded hipster bashing of COURSE) and she went on a tangent and told me men are nothing more than whiny bastards who deserve it because of the… say it with me… patriarchal hierarchy. To a point, she’s right–white privileged bearded hipsters ARE incredibly annoying and confusing to look at. But she would’ve been one of the militants to come on here and tell you Miss Nicki (saying your name like that makes you sound a little dominatrix-y, if it was Mistress well it’d be all over) that you were being, what was that word boys and girls? Heteronormative! In your blog about bearded men being BEARDED MEN, which, just for the record–I completely agree with you on. I get it. I mean… I get it. Mm. She also did not go to college. I happen to know for a fact she never would’ve stumbled on such lofty words and ideas if she hadn’t spoken to someone who spent their time in the Gender Studies trenches–and then regurgitated everything they had to say.

    So you see you can’t learn the kind of common sense that you have, in college. It’s impossible. In fact I’d go as far as to say a collegiate degree runs the risk of watering that down. Though some are lucky enough to make it out mostly in tact. I do have a degree, in Creative Writing which–I had to sit through A LOT… a lot of what you were thrown in your other blog and without fail I wanted to bash my head into a desk everyday. The English department is RIFE with that kind of stuff. Thankfully I was able to focus more on my own personal writing instead of being fueled with the desire to tell someone on her personal blog that she’s ridiculous because when she looks at a beard, she sees a man powerful enough to be able to pin her to a wall and do it all the way through without dropping her–and at the same time throw a fist in someone’s face whose being a damn fool. Mm.

    P.S. …A little bit of fist fighting among manly men hurts no woman watching. ;)

  77. gramdragon says:

    Your apology was even funnier than the posting. Blog on, Lady!

  78. “There goes my hero….”

  79. It’s really reverse-reverse sexism that you gotta watch out for.

    Come on over to HCwDB and be objectified for your intellect. “Hey guys, my boobs are down HERE.”

  80. Chowderhead says:

    Hi there, Nicki. I think you might be my sister or something. This apology letter was fucking funny. I want to drink beer with you and people watch. And then drink more beer with you and people watch some more.

    But seriously, I admire your balls. Erm, wait, something like that. Not like, ‘testicles’ kinda balls, but you know…

    Keep writing whatever the fuck you need to write, and I’ll thumbs up it all day long.

    I thought about writing a public apology for name-calling vaginas. Dammit. Shoulda did it…

    Rock on.

    • Bwahaha vagina knitting! That’s so EMPOWERING.

      I like beer. I like people watching. Probably why I’m a bartender.

      I actually found your blog a while back. I stumbled on your “great bands of the 90′s” post. I left a comment about how Pearl Jam means semen. I’ve been following you ever since. Missed this Twat Twiner though, thanks for catching me up.

  81. Melissa says:

    Love your work!! Cheers for brightening my day!! :)

  82. darksock says:

    beard hipsters need to be dealt with in a manner involving a catheter, Mrs. Buttersworth pancake syrup and a catheter. Son.

  83. Philip the Hermit says:

    My GOD, I like your blog. You, ma’am, are awesome. I don’t have a beard, but I do own four or five hammers (what? I need ‘em! I’ve got my Dad’s old claw hammer, the heavy duty claw hammer I bought, the wee little claw hammer I got for opening a bank account, my Dad’s old ball-peen hammer — great for working metal — and my trusty five pound sledgehammer. I used to have a neat little hand-held five pound sledge too, but I can’t find it anywhere).

    When people write you to tell you how butt-hurt they are about the things you say, I think you should take it as a huge compliment. The truth hurts! It hurts butts! Ergo, butt-hurtery. So they are confirming your veracity.

    Anyway, you’re pretty awesome. Just wanted to mention that.

  84. Robert says:

    Holy hell woman.. that was amazing… keep up the writing. Fuck all the rest. I laughed so hard during a military brief that I had to explain why I was laughing and let senior leaders read your story…

    • Evelyn says:

      You are awesome. I laughed really hard and shared your post with all my friends. XOXO and I think Im a feminist btw. and i love beards. Ill even take a hipster guy with a beard. Something about those beard hair phermones. and I have personally enjoyed some very soft conditioned beard hair! Don’t stop now!!!!

    • I don’t know how I just saw this comment, but I have to say the fact that I disrupted a military briefing really makes my day.

  85. Kylie says:


  86. Maggie O'C says:

    Best apology to best beard post EVER.

  87. Shane Gray says:

    I loved your initial post, and I love this. Here is my contribution to hipster bashing. I hope you enjoy it.

  88. jones says:

    now that you know that “reverse sexism” DOESN’T EXIST. maybe you can convince you’re new friends that “reverse racism” also DOESN’T EXIST. thanks…appreciate – sincerely (if you do it).

    • I think the concept of reverse racism is pretty retarded. I’ll be happy to tell my new friends, but they aren’t very good listeners.

      • boozedealer says:

        Damn, so now you’re equating reverse racism with intellectual disability? This blog is the gift that keeps on giving.

        • Shane Gray says:

          There is no reverse racism. A black person might discriminate against a white person instead of the other way around, does not reverse the actual concept. It’s still just racism. The act of treating someone differently based on their skin color, creed, or race. Even if you change the abuser vs abused equation by flipping it…IT’S STILL JUST RACISM. Sexism is the same. It doesn’t matter whether it’s misogyny, or misandry, it remains sexism. Misandry is not reverse sexism, because gender discrimination is just plain old sexism whether it’s male on female or female on male. These are not reversible concepts. The only way to reverse sexism is to not be sexist. The only way to reverse racism is to be racially tolerant.

  89. Mal Content says:

    Writing a funny post about beards makes you smart. Taking the collective outrage about your funny post and using it to write an even funnier post makes you a GENIUS.

    At this point I’m worried you might create some kind of “comedy feedback loop” and crush all known life in a humor singularity.

  90. So glad I came over here . . . you are hilarious, NIcki! If I ever have a negative backlash (and I’m sure it’s coming) I hope I can handle it with such fabulous and biting sarcastic commentaryu. “Even if they will keep your balls in a bell jar.” – hahaha!

  91. Jason Burak says:

    Are you for real? Our systems are down at work, so I’m almost belly laughing while wasting time. Nice work, Nicki!

    From a ‘Real Bearded Man’

    PS, I went hunting this fall, ice fishing last weekend, and just replaced the thermostat in my car. Am I turning you on?

    Well thanks for the humor

  92. I think I may have a girl crush on you. I personally think feminazis and Hipster men should be outlawed, or at least maimed, but apparently that opinion makes me a brainwashed victim of patriarchal rape culture.

  93. Dahn Bryan says:

    Nikki Daniels…you just turned me gay.

  94. Spike says:

    I guess that if I suggest this is self pity hidden behind unclever sarcasm that makes me (yawn) “butthurt”?
    It’s just such a shame that you wrote this. Your other stuff is funny, it’s great!

    This is far from either.

  95. Kim says:

    Go Nicki, go! I only just stumbled on this – I was cheering and fist pumping and foot stamping for joy – I too suffer the bearded man confusion. I’ve often wondered if I’m the last woman alive who still appreciates a manly man and attempts to spot them at 100 paces by their distinctive pelt. If I were more loquacious, I would write an open letter to all men asking that they not wax all man body hair out of existence – sorry, I don’t want to cuddle up to a 12 year old. More importantly I feel sorry for all the poor little mites out there who lack any personal insight regarding how their very very small and privileged little world view completely undermines their ability to really think critically, logically, sympathetically or with anything remotely resembling humour and tolerance. Ugh. Keep writing, this made my (and my husband’s) day.

  96. Supertrucker says:

    What’s a blog?

  97. The Hook says:

    If you dare to soften your edges I will personally start a Kickstarter fund to raise the cash to hire someone to kick you in the lady parts – three times.

    Here’s what you’re going to do Nicki Daniels:
    1) You’re going to continue to shatter my personal records for views, likes, reblogs and generally mind-blowing posts.
    2) You’re going to continue to be so awesome it causes me pain in the cockles of my heart, even though I’m pretty sure my cockles can’t take much more agony.
    3) You’re going to forge a writing career that puts mine to shame – and then you’re going to allow me to sponge off your good fortune. (I’ll be the platonic boyfriend you always wanted.)

    That is all.
    You may go now.

  98. Lynn says:

    OMG! I love this blog and your writing. I was one of the ones that re-posted your blog to my FB and read it multiple times and talked about it at lunch with others and even talked about it at happy hour to a breaded man. I even thought of it a giggled when I was alone. Your follow up is equally as brilliant!

  99. Jim says:

    Oh shit, you are my favorite woman.

  100. Michelle says:

    You are hilarious, and even your non apology is hilarious. I would like to listen to you non-apologetically bitch slap the world for about another 10,000 words. Well done.

  101. beefcakes says:

    Hilarious read! I actually thought your apology letter was more humorous than the original post. Loved the self deprecating and mocking tones. Will definitely be reading more of your work.

  102. You are awesome Nicki. Don’t let those feminists and beard haters get you down. :) You know what you’re attracted to, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. Go you!

  103. All hail Nicki, queen of the butthurt! Much enjoyment was had reading this and your other posts, thank you for your effort and taking the time to amuse us less sensitive souls.
    P.S.I would not object to cat gifs.

  104. C.J. says:

    I would like to bear your children now please. That is, If there was a way for one female to fertilize another.
    You’re my hero.

  105. Josh says:

    I’m wondering how many of the so-called “feminists” you seem to be responding to are attending Mills College? These complaints and the lingo accompanying them sounds very Millsian. Big ups to you, Nicki.

  106. Michael says:

    I laughed so hard I cried, but ya know, in a manly sort of way. If you are in the Bay Area, my fiance and I will treat you to a beer.

  107. donelle robertson says:

    I really liked and agree with everything you said. You are very funny too. Thanks for writing:), I am now a fan too.

  108. kldm says:

    I am now a fan. Awesome writing.

  109. Alex Cord says:

    Dear Nicki. Everything you say is wonderful. Please marry me. Or at least be my distant acquaintance. Thanks.

  110. YEEEESSS!!! awesome! Bring on the Cat Gifs!! :)

    ps a double :( :( to you for even suggesting a man should shave off his beard… ‘Why?’ I heard you ask (though u actually probably wont ;) well here is just ONE of the reasons why you shouldnt! And an important reason why Beards are so important to society in which you live…

    Enjoy ;)
    pps, keep up the blogging and why not kick start your newish year by sending ur bearded friends some beard grooming products – or a card acknowledging their awesome facial hair.


  111. androoski says:

    You rule the internet! 😊

  112. arithon says:

    This has got to be one of the damned funniest things I’ve read in a long time. Thank you.

  113. Allbeef Patty says:

    I didn’t read all of the comments, so I apologize if someone already pointed this out, but “pussy” is slang for “pusillanimous.” You didn’t strengthen the patriarchy at all.

  114. jkhughes2 says:

    Fuck ‘em, Nicki. Figuratively. Or literally. Whatever. I follow your blog and reading it makes my day so much better. I work with a couple bearded hipsters and I often cringe when they walk past my desk. Or I sometimes I hide in the bathroom where I can laugh like a hyena in private. Because I’m a fucking lady.

  115. Andy P says:

    I love you

  116. Will says:

    I see you’re very fond of the word “perpetuate”.

  117. Team Hazel says:

    Seriously, all I want to do is sleep with ZZ Top. Oh, and the guy from Alabama with the deep voice “Ba oom ba Ba oom ba Ba oom bap Mowmow”
    Stay Nicki Daniels, because we love you for it.

    • Team Hazel says:

      Okay, I was distracted by the song playing in my head. I believe it is Elvira by the Oak Ridge Boys. Whoops. Sorry! In fact after watching the 1981 youtube video, I was shocked to see that the only guy on the band that is NOT sporting facial hair is the guy with the amazing voice. I am now covering my head in shame, humming the song on repeat. *hugs*

  118. Laura says:

    Dear Nicki
    Do not lose all hope. Real beards on real men still exist, its just harder to find them in the sea of faux-facial-hair. You just have to search in the right places. Cafes and city sidewalks are not the right places. But trust me, its a thingk worth searching for.

    Laura (a feminist shepherd who studied gender studies at a liberal arts college and whose bearded husband is great with a hammer, almost as good as she is with a bandsaw)

    p.s. your post has inspired us. We are thinking of setting up an instagram account just to post pictures of him in his knit beanie (the one I knit out of the yarn I spun from our sheep) chewing on some hay from our pasture

  119. I wondered how you’d come back from all the furore – didn’t expect such a brilliant put down!

  120. mollytopia says:

    OMG this is FABULOUS. Congratulations on getting 500k pairs of panties across the globe in a complete wad hahaha – I love it. Keep it up lady. People can fuck all the way off if they don’t like YOUR opinion on YOUR OWN personal blog. Buh lieve it.

    • In all seriousness, the only ones that stung were from other bloggers. You would think they would be more respectful of my rights. Oh well, whatcha gonna do?

      • mollytopia says:

        Yeah I can see that – it’s surprising. It’s supposed to be a community, eh? Oh well. I clearly need to step it up. I haven’t gotten any gate mail or been any names yet. I’m doing it WRONG hahaha!

  121. jess says:

    Best apology ever.

  122. smwasserman says:

    Probably one of the most funny and insightful blogs I’ve read in a long time. Screw the haters. What’s that “ironic” saying? Opinions are like assholes. Everyone has one. I tried a goatee in December. Grows in thick but I hated it for many of the reasons you named. No, I’m not a hipster. I’m 46, shaved bald, in good shape, yada yada yada.

    The fact is I grew it cause I wanted a new look. I felt like I looked like a lumberjack in Lucky jeans with my fashion forward progressive lenses. I can change a tire but I’m no lumberjack. Nor do I want to be. Off it came.

    Keep writing, god bless, and my knit hat? Only to keep my head warm in the winter. Shaved head, remember?

    No cat GIF’s please. :)

  123. Ris says:

    I heart you so hard. I have no idea who you are and had never heard of your blog until a good friend read your “Open Letter…” aloud to me on the coldest day of the year. This was after receiving some grave family news, so I was in a pretty sad state, and yet I laughed until I nearly peed– and I have pretty strong pelvic floor muscles so you must be damn funny. Since Monday, I have prayed daily that the universe hurry up with your imminent book deal, feature-length film, and HBO series.

  124. Elyse says:

    That sound you hear is me face-palming.

    People are idiots. They have no senses of humor. No brains. Except you. Oh, and me. And the other people who don’t take themselves too seriously.

    I’m looking forward to the GIFs of kitties. I follow way too many blogs.

  125. Rick Vilchis says:

    I loved your article about beards and I can’t believe so many people took offense to it. I think your opinion was spot on and those who were offended were probably the ones that passed your test. I have a beard and I’m glad to say that I did not pass your test, I own a hammer, I’ve work hard labor jobs since I was seventeen and I’ve been know to get into a bar scuffle from time to time. I think the people who got offended saw themselves in your article and felt their penis go limp. Don’t back down to these wimps, they’re just mad that your balls are bigger than theirs. Once again, thank you for the great article.

  126. Joshua Chapman says:

    The last post was hilarious, this one made me subscribe.

  127. Michael Durham and don't you forget it says:

    Don’t you understand? Your blog did “kick the paralyzed and slap the retarded.” Oh please please please please write a blog about those oh so manly men who wear fucking capri pants or roll their pants up around their calves and wear them with slip on sneakers before this gay man starts punching each and every one of their feminized asses in their bearded faces.

    • You are such a homophobe! Oh wait, you’re gay, and also manly? How dare you perpetuate gender stereotypes with your awesome manly gayness. Ha! Clearly people have never heard of the “bear” community.

  128. Danny says:

    I would wife you SO hard. TWICE. That’s right. I’d wife you, divorce you, and then wife you again for emphasis!!!!!

  129. Christian says:

    .You are an awesome human! Thanks for filling my Saturday morning with hilarity!

  130. Aurora says:

    I am one of a dozen people I know who loved, and shared, the beard blog. Then I went and read all your previous blogs and I never do that because people are boring and I have a short attention span. Love your style, girl. Keep it up!

  131. NM says:

    My cousin has hands calloused from a lifetime of working on trucks, motorcycles, cars, boats and wood. I work in a chemistry lab and have never had much interest in such endeavours. Neither of us would hit even one of your “shave it” criteria, but he cannot grow a beard and I can (and thus do). Which would be your preference?

  132. Thomas says:

    You crush on a guy with a beard thinking he is going to be rugged, only to find out he is a namby pamby. No biggie. You’re allowed to be not interested in said bearded bomber. However he might get a little more butt hurt about it, so let him down easy. And no hating, just keep rolling with your bearded wheres waldo search. Who cares what the masses think(they do, and their opinion is rubbish). This all reminds me of a music video from the great and all knowing Sir Mixalot. “I like big butts, and I cannot lie.” Though I think there were a few lies in there. “My anaconda don’t want none unless you’ve got buns, hun.”… Whatever, opportunities are opportunities. And we are all opportunist. Not to say we don’t pass things up. But not when the getting is good. But when I think about a girl with a big butt I imagine she can dance, and cook, dress provokatively, and make for some sweet sweet luvin. Not always the case. But I shall not “hate on” those that don’t meet my standards. Cause they deserve to be loved as much as I do. And just cause it’s not by me doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with them. Or me for that matter.
    So speak your mind, to hell with the offended. They are more worried about being wrong than you should be. I comment only because i am farmer of face fur in the winter. Keeps me warm when I am out in the cold. And I do hope to run into some of the beard hunting women(however I kinda think there is a double standard in there somewhere). But keep beard chasing real at least in the winter, and i may one day grace you(or some other lovely beard craving dame) with the presence of my man mane.

    Also on a side note. Feminists are women who speak and envision an equal rights and respect relationship between men and women. The women that go out ball breaking and man bashing are just as skeevy as their womanizing counter parts. Not that either is bad. Just funny to watch from the fence.

  133. Henry Marks says:

    I don’t see this as hipster bashing at all. Beards should only grow upon completion of really manly things. As we now know, that isn’t the case at all and a huge flaw in the development of the human species. This made me laugh someone else’s balls off. Thanks, you’re the tits – the highest compliment I can think of.

  134. Melissa says:

    Ummm, can we be best friends, and go to somewhere and drink fancy scotch and make fun of hipsters and cruise manly dudes with beards together?

  135. Jason says:

    You are amazing. Don’t change a damn bit ;-)

  136. Dean says:

    You are spot on and you write very well. I’m Jealous. THanks for the excellent posts.

  137. creaky bones says:

    “An Open Letter to Bearded Hipsters” was my introduction to your blog and the reason I now follow it (that sounds creepier than it should…). I’m not brilliant, but I kinda thought you were aiming for humor with that post. Was I wrong to think it was funny? I wish I was smarter and more enlightened like the people who were offended by it. Next time I write something funny on my blog, I guess I’ll have to use the “sarcasm font” setting.
    Still following. Still laughing.

  138. You brave girl you. Taking on the feminist. Fabulous retort Nicki. Just marvelous.

  139. whammylancer says:

    I got a beard. How you doing? What are you doing later?

  140. jaklumen says:

    So much win. I was pleased to be a part of it. And thank you for replying to what I had to say.

    As a woman, I tend to shave and pluck my unwanted hairs

    I have a wife and a mother-in-law that often… don’t. My beloved mother-in-law especially doesn’t pluck the “goat” hairs on her chin anymore. My wife does not shave legs or underarms (unless I ask, and sometimes, I get to do it.) At the end of the day, I don’t mind. They love me and I love them right back.

  141. My Muted Voice says:

    It’s so great that people had nothing else better to take a stand on than a humorous post about beards. This follow-up rocked!

  142. Jamie Borden says:

    Now I feel bad for shaving my quarter inch facepubes yesterday..Not from reading my very first blog that didn’t involve College Football (that I know of)…Not because now living in PHX makes them almost unnecessary..Not because it was bath night..OK..Shower….But because It seems to be coming out totally white now days and I’m tired of the little kids pointing..(My 12 year old said they must think I’m Santa..Which now I wonder was some sort of fat joke?)..

    Nick lass…Now do one about tattoos..It’s almost impossible to see a semi hot woman totally nekid without the cloak of those ugly things..

  143. DeeDee says:

    I didn’t even read that post, much less the responses, but all I can say just now is “Fuck yeah, keep slathering on the awesomesauce!”

    It’s your blog; do it your way.

  144. sarcasmica says:

    Kuddos for your restraint on the sarcasm.
    Good luck being the only concience of the free world… no wait, the naive and malleable world… no, i mean the unenlightened and lemmings world. We must look to you for all things appropriate and informative.
    In other news; people need to get a life and move right along.

  145. […] of a few people I know who fit the bill, but won’t get it.  I laughed uproariously at Nicki’s tongue in cheek apology, I even snarfled.  I’ve sought divine intervention, instant inspiration and well, I’ll […]

  146. E says:

    Fuck em! Thank you for keeping it real girl for us bearded “real” men. I think the angry feminist ladies are just pissed they can’t grow killer beards.

  147. Grizzly Adams says:

    After reading both of these I have three things to say.
    1. You’re my Hero
    2. The nancy boys do need to shave.
    3. It reminds me of when my son was little and used to stomp around in my work boots. It was cute the first time but gets old fast.

  148. Marcus says:

    I really hope you’re not ugly like Peaches, she’s the last crush I developed though her words. and it crushed me when I saw what she looked like. I have a beard, smell of deisel ( the fuel not the perfume ), and I grew it to keep warm on my boat, while I fix it with tools I know how to use. You were bang on in your last rant and even more so in this, and whoever you are apologising to can fuck off. I’m sick of actually having to turn the light on to get dressed, in case I inadvertently come up with something that might be deemed a look, or worse ironic. Keep doing what you’re doing.

  149. Lisa says:

    What a bunch of tards. You are perfectly within you right to write whatever the hell you want on your blog. If these asshats don’t like it, stop reading! You are hilarious and I loved your post. It was my first one and now I subscribe! Heavily bearded guys don’t do it for me but I am on board with the hipster beard. It’s got to go! And FYI hipsters: PBR sucks.

  150. Robert Baker says:

    I want to grow a beard but I do not because it comes in white as Casper. Grow the nails out freakishly long and I look like Howard Hughes.

  151. Betty Friedan's Decomposed Vagina says:

    You may very well bring it back to life…

  152. Unkie Fezter says:

    Thank you. I haven’t read an ‘apology’ that good since the old National Lampoon magazine was forced to apologize to Liza Minnelli in the magazine. I actually spotted, and wanted a cigarette after reading this. And I don’t even smoke.
    That said- Look for lotsa objections and complaints from ‘Retards’. NOT genuine Special Needs folks mind you, but actual retards.

  153. BeardlessInToronto says:

    Best…rant…ever! I’m growing a ball beard just for you. (Simply because I can.) Not sure what the PC term is for one of those. Gender Equality 101 students, please feel free to enlighten me.

  154. I love you even more now than I did after the beard post.

  155. jgawne55 says:

    Dear Nicki,

    I enjoyed this post almost as much as I enjoyed your last one. Please don’t stop. The world needs people like you!


    A hetero-normative, sterotypical unbearded white man over the agr of 50.

  156. itsumm says:

    I love the bearded letter and even more so the apology that followed. I must thank you for adding years to my life because I couldn’t stop laughing when I read both. To those that took offense to your bearded letter all I can say is relax stop being a Bic.

    Keep the lines coming!

  157. Tam says:

    Not sure which one I love the most… Brilliant!

  158. Gargamel says:

    Your “Open Letter” post resonated with people of all different types. It’s often hard to follow-up on an article of that magnitude, but you did! This article is like a Marshall stack with a knob that goes to “11″. This article is guaranteed to make more hipster douchnozzles cry. I would raise a glass to you, but I’m messing with that kush tonight, so I’ll blaze in your honor! Rock on! \m/

  159. I loved you for the beard rant. I love you even more for this.

  160. Sean thompson says:

    You are amazing. You are hilarious. You are absolutely correct.
    I live in Calgary Alberta, Canada. The capital of Canadian hipster.
    I have a beard, love plaid flannel shirts, and roll my jeans up. Although, the beard came from my metal head upbringing/warmth for my outdoor construction job. The flannel due to growing up in -40 Saskatchewan winters, and the cuff in my jeans due to my height.
    I have no idea what seperates one $7 coffee from another, I own many hammers, and have definitely changed a few tires in my day.
    The biggest insult I ever receive from my so-called friends, is being called a hipster. If I wear a touque, it’s because it’s cold, and it covers my entire head… Not just clinging to the back of my skull with a healthy droop.
    Keep up the good work darlin’, and don’t worry what the feminazis call you. They’re just angry due to the lack of penis in their life :)

  161. Ms.rose says:

    Well said!!! Love your blog.

  162. If you could throw in a couple GIFs of dancing dogs I’d really appreciate it. If they are too offensive though for the general public I understand.

  163. REDdog says:

    Holy snappin’ duck shit! (Note To Self: never, EVER piss Nicki Daniels off) You are a kick arse writer/comedian and should have your own World Wide Web. I bet some of your detractors are the same mob who tell me I wear a beard because I’ve got something to hide…Love your shit. Respect REDdog

  164. List of X says:

    I rarely compliment posts in the comments, and just use the Like button for that, but for this post a Like just doesn’t express how perfectly awesome this post is.
    P.S. No need to worry about hipsters hating you. They’ll only hate you ironically.

  165. Harmony says:

    Hehe :)

  166. Mary EmDee says:

    I balls out LOVE your face. The end

  167. As a smooth faced man with a garage full of tools and the ability to build just about any damn thing I want, I applaud your (and my own) disdain for the bearded nanny. Work makes me live this life sans glorious bearded glory, but my bearded soul dies a little bit each time I see the sacred tradition of men soiled by Venti soy latte underworked hipsters. You have just gained a loyal follower of your well-versed wit and general life observations. Cheers!

  168. "HE WHO" says:

    Love your writing, Nicki! You have another (albeit bearded) follower.

  169. Nicki D > feminists, bearded manginas, general pussies, pretentious academics, and pretty much everyone, ever.

    BTW I think you should come to the Annual Mainstay Employee Blackout on Monday. Jussyain.

  170. Bwahahaha! This time I’m NOT checking “notify me of follow-up comments” though! Carry on!

  171. T. Dawn says:

    If I’m being honest, when I saw your name next to the words “I’m sorry”, I was kind of sad and disappointed. And then I read your words. You managed to completely cut through the bull shit with ALOT of intelligent humor. Good for you. The backlash you received was ridiculous. Blog on Momma.

  172. Twindaddy says:

    Wow. I didn’t necessarily agree with everything in your post, but I also knew it was mostly sarcasm and humor. Some people take things way too seriously. But, hey, look at you crashing the blogging party!

  173. Geoff Martin says:

    What an awesome response! I believe this post should be used as a template for the rest of the internet for all of the future. Let our wonderful world become flooded with nothing but apologizing to trolls. Thankfully we have billy goats gruff like you!
    (Sincere apology in advance.)
    ~ A new fan

  174. I don’t know which is better, the actual post or the tags for the post. Both are brilliant. I am humbled by your ability to write the way you do. I’m not sure I can handle, “Funtime Happy Place” but if you are writing it I will certainly try.

  175. April says:

    Oh god is this funny (and the original blog entry even more so). And coming from someone who was called a “troll” because I dared to comment on a toy toolbox on Amazon and suggest they market it to “kids” rather than just “boys” and am therefore, apparently, a “raging feminist who hates manly men”, I appreciate your handling of people who take things WAY TOO SERIOUSLY – that is, to crush them with your intellect and good humor. Kudos!!

  176. Harmony says:

    Thank you Nicki. That’s gold!! Love it. I am a fan of the hipster look, but with a ‘tradey’ type for a husband I totally get your point. Plus the total sarcasm is right down my ally! Hahahaa thank you ;)

  177. Haji says:

    OMG! Hilarious as always! You are my hero!

  178. Carrie says:

    This is only the second post I have read and I think you are brilliant!

  179. Mike Zellers says:

    you didn’t apologize for the one thing you oughta… my email getting blown up with comment notifications. perhaps not entirely your fault, but still….

  180. Calamity Rae says:

    And I really can’t help but think that you should have named this “oops, I did it again”.

    If I weren’t married to such a manly man with a beard, I’d just might have to ask you out.

  181. LM says:

    It is bone-crushingly sad that your perfectly articulated sarcasm will be lost on the ones who need it most. I believe I am going to enjoy following your blog, even if I’m not the biggest fan of dancing cats.

  182. JohnInTenn says:

    Ok, this is just insanely beautiful writing. Seriously, pulling everything from Freud to Sylvia Plath (and just picturing hipsters hitting on feminist “chicks”) into a smart-ass smackdown is brilliant. Must. Read. More. Nicki.

  183. Best. Tags. EVER. It’s a pity you couldn’t have charged everyone a buck or two to read that post. I’ll bet that would have solved a lot of problems, although it looked like the post created a few.

    My sister is a Gender Studies “professor” at a University. I keep telling her that unless she’s got a waiting room full of patients, she’s not a doctor. Thanksgiving dinners are a BLAST. This past one, she took me to the woodshed twice for using “retard” in a humorous manner in front of my daughters. Wong message, apparently. I should invite you next year. KY to OH is not that far.

    Sorry, but you just don’t seem contrite enough. I predict a new shit storm. And to think you JUST STARTED blogging! I believe I am addressing a future Senator. And not a State Senator. The real thing. 1/50.

  184. Nicki, I’ve just started following your blog and it just rocks. Everyone is entitled to their opinion and you weren’t out for blood with your article (clearly they aren’t familiar with your blogging style) so shame on the critics for their misplaced aggression. Keep the posts coming!

    • I think everyone is entitled to their opinion. It’s just funny that they were sharing their opinions about the fact that I shouldn’t have an opinion. After my migraine went away, I laughed and laughed.

  185. Glorious Results of a Misspent Youth says:

    Love that you are a funny and daring blogger and sorry that the whole crappy PC world is too sensitive to see that. On the other hand, kudos on all the publicity…you know what they say, it’s all good.

  186. John Wagner says:

    I just fell a little deeper in love with you. Nice work Sister!

  187. Lucy Lulu says:

    Just priceless…LOVE your humor.

  188. Calamity Rae says:

    hahahahaa. Ohhh, what to quote? Except I’d quote the ENTIRE thing. In fact, maybe I’ll just “reblog” it as a feature to my own my blog, open up a public forum regarding this post, and then direct my blog audience (However, I realize, I’m no “god” and will only reach the 20 people who follow me) as a way to embrace your humor and your writing endeavors – because Nicki Daniel’s, you really are fucking funny.

    P.S. Just don’t piss off my following (or as I like to refer to them, “the harem,”) or else I might have to tie you to a pole, in a public square, and offer up a few lashings!

    And by the way. I fucking love BelL Jars. Have I ever told you that I own a rare, mint condition copy of the FIRST US Edition by Plath? That makes me way fucking cool. I would say though, that trying to *emulate* Plath is “so 1986″.

  189. Angelle says:

    Also yours and Aussa’s blogs kick my ass every day to be a better and more interesting writer. So thank you :)

  190. I am so totally in non sexual love with you girl!!!


    I hope nobody recognizes you when you use that library card for the first time. You should probably wear a disguise – maybe a beard, and a hat that says: “I have a freakishly strong vagina”.

  192. Phil Taylor says:

    Congrats on all the views and on stirring up a good hornets nest. It’s not a good blog if you don’t make somebody mad now and then. Love your humor. Keep it up. Maybe even write a book!

  193. Meredith says:

    Nicki, you are my fucking hero. If I didn’t love rugged guys with beards so much I’d probably want to marry you. In my opinion you are everything BUT sorry. You are a goddess.

  194. Scootpunker says:

    Brilliant. I love hipsters, they bring all the awesome coffee shops, restaurants and boozeries I need to stay fresh and young feeling. I also enjoy my manly beard, and knowing how to use a saw, and a nail gun and how to cook a roast. My wife loves my beard, and we love our hipster friends. Im sorry you’re feeling sorry though, really the word “pussy” is pretty damn funny. But not as funny as “dicksmack” but I digress. I chose to follow your awesome blog BECAUSE of your hilarious look at the magically sloppy yet expensively coiffed hipster beard. Please please don’t apologize and lose your edge! Oh wait.. you didn’t. — Nice work Miss Nicki of the powerful lady parts, Nice fucking work.

  195. Jana says:

    I just discovered your blog and I’m hooked!! Don’t change a thing!! (This was even funnier than the beard letter!! Well played!!!)

  196. suzie81 says:

    This, along with every other post, is just awesome… Thanks for making me laugh!

  197. Tears and belly laughs over here. We all need to take ourselves a bit less seriously… I caught your humor. ;-)

  198. ‘Bout time you got a hold of yourself. Think of all the miniature hipster whiskers you could have saved from drowning in all those tears.

  199. rynolexson says:

    Well if it means anything, I got a kick out of that post and will forever be a fan.

    And on a positive note, your rant on bearded hipsters caused mass hysteria…that is fucking cool. I mean who knew people were so sensitive about beards?! I thought hairs were just the leftovers of dead skin cells?

    Anyways, I think the only appropriate post to do after this one is an open letter to bald men. Just sayin’

    • I wouldn’t pick on bald guys because they have no control over being bald and this can be a cause of deep shame for them. Hipster douches, on the other hand, can pick up a razor at any time. I’m glad you enjoyed it.

  200. Mike says:

    As if I couldn’t like “An Open Letter to Bearded Hipsters“ enough, you followed it up with an even better “I’m Sorry.” Both of these posts were outstanding and reminded me of why I started writing in the first place (though my blog has received woefully little of my attention since I switched jobs 18 months ago).
    Also, as a “manly” bearded man, thank you for face shaming those damn effeminate hipsters. They’re giving us a bad rep.

  201. Steph says:

    I love when people read a humorous, not to mention personal, blog and get pissed about the content. It’s my favorite thing.

    • It’s my favorite too. I love even more when people get so pissed off that they write on their personal blog about someone else’s personal blog. It’s like a Chinese puzzle box. Oops, I’m being racist.

  202. Monica Marvin says:

    Holy shit…I fell in love with your blog after reading your beard blog, then on to the perm blog..and I love you! People suck! Keep ya head up! XOXO Haters love to hate!

    Sent from my iPhone


  203. Lowell says:

    simply lovely. :-)

    Just remember Nicki, the penis mightier… er, the pen is mightier… Keep on providing wit and observation about whatever it is you wish. Those who follow and enjoy will continue to do so. Those who follow solely to critique should put their own egos on the line and blog their feelings into the ether instead.


  204. Autumn says:

    Don’t forget that people with a sense of humor read your blog and do get you. I don’t think your blog would have been shared so many times simply to bash you. I also think you know this….but wanted to reinforce the point since the haters came out to play.

  205. Tim says:

    I love your sarcastic wit. Keep it up. Screw ‘em if they can’t take a joke. You can’t be anybody but yourself, so don’t change.

  206. Dave says:

    Thank god, do you know how hard it is to find a good navel lint blog? I mean, sure, I could start one, but that would be, like, work. And I’d have to do stuff like writing and typing and taking pictures of navel lint, and then set up a Pinterest account, and eventually a Facebook page for that lint that looked an awful lot like Jesus and therefore will have restored my faith in something.

    Fuck em. You rock.

    • I think it could be very zeitgeist-y, this navel lint discussion. We could talk about how the detritus that is trapped in our belly buttons in symbolic of the meaninglessness of modern life.

  207. this post was almost as good as the one that spawned it

  208. […] *UPDATE* If you were offended by this post, please read my sincere apology here. […]

  209. hemmingplay says:

    I don’t think Niki needs protecting, and she could probably be my granddaughter (and I’d be proud of her if she were), but you have a nasty mouth on you and shouldn’t drink and blog. But more than that, that was probably the fourth-worst rant I’ve read today. You have some work to do if you want to get into the medal round, boy.

Hey girl, where you going? Slow down. I just want to talk for a minute.

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