I’m Sorry


Dear Friends,

If you are reading this, it is probably because you read my last post, “An Open Letter to Bearded Hipsters“. This post was published on Monday morning and at last count has been viewed 528,821 times, shared on Facebook and Twitter over 10,000 times, and commented on by a staggering 972 people. These comments were a virulent swirl of beard pride and butt hurt. It is these commenters I would like to address in this post.

I’m sorry. I had no idea how strongly people feel about facial hair. As a woman, I tend to shave and pluck my unwanted hairs, so I guess I never really thought about the deep symbolism and masculine pride men are wearing on their faces.

I made the statement that I am sexually attracted to beards. To those of you who pointed out that this is because I secretly want to sleep with my father, I thank you for your profound insight. You have saved me a fortune in therapy bills. I have done some deep soul-searching, and now realize I also want to sleep with the members of ZZ Top. And Santa Claus. In fact, as long as a man has a beard, consider my vagina open for business. I am also sorry for daring to write on my personal blog about my likes and dislikes. You are all right, that is a completely outrageous thing to do. I am humbled.

For the bearded manly men, I’m sorry for making you feel good about yourselves. Since I wrote this post, I have been introduced to an amazing group of people called “feminists”. They told me that we are living in something called a “patriarchal society” and apparently it’s guys like you that have been keeping us women down for centuries. My mind is blown! Apparently, by me wishing for a more old fashioned guy, I am encouraging the perpetuation of this nefarious system. I have gotten a library card and plan to read more about this. As a side note, I also learned that no means no.

These awesome feminists also told me that by calling a man a “pussy”, I am equating female genitalia with weakness. I’m still on the fence about that one. Honestly, I just thought it sounds funny. Plus I am always bragging about my own freakishly strong vagina, so by that logic if I call a guy a pussy I am actually calling him “amazing”. Hmmm. Food for thought, friends.

I’m sorry that I have not graduated from college. As many of you who are currently taking “Gender Studies 101″ pointed out, I am guilty of perpetuating “hetero-normative” stereotypes and even “micro aggression”. Thanks to Google, I was able to figure out what these words mean, and learn more about how to sound cool at parties. Man, I love the internet. Thanks, guys. The world is going to be a better place when you enter the workforce. Be the change, right?

For those of you who told me to stop “body shaming”, I’m sorry. I thought I was actually “face shaming”, but still. Point taken.

I’m deeply sorry for being sexist, or practicing “reverse sexism”. Honestly, I didn’t know that was a thing. I mean, didn’t we just get the right to vote? You’re right, how would I feel if the situation were reversed, and men were telling me what is a sexy way to dress and look. I have never experienced that before, but I can only imagine it would be profoundly hurtful.

For those of you who said I am perpetuating violence, and stuff like this can actually cause hate crimes, I am actually weeping with remorse. I didn’t realize that people don’t think for themselves. People could read that open letter, and since their minds are as malleable as Play Doh, they might actually hurt someone for having a hipster beard. Please don’t hurt anyone, people. I already feel bad enough. I simply cannot have that on my conscience.

To the many, many people who suggested I learn to change my own fucking tires, you’re right. I should probably also learn to feed and dress myself. I’m sorry. Nicki Daniels is a work in progress. Baby steps.

And to the hipsters themselves…where to begin? Yes, I know that hipster bashing is so 2005. From now on I will try to be more on-trend and topical with my disdain. And you’re right, the world IS changing. I will try to keep up. I also now realize that making fun of overprivileged white people is very, very naughty. As of today, I vow to only kick the paralyzed and slap the retarded. By the way, if you guys are looking for some chicks, check out those feminists I mentioned above. They have more enlightened views about masculinity than I do, even if they will keep your balls in their bell jar.

Lastly, I am sorry for blogging in the first place. “They” really will give a blog to anyone. I didn’t realize that writing is a Godlike, sacred power. That every time I sit down to write, I must think: how will this impact every person in the world? Will I offend anyone? Could anyone possibly be hurt?

Sadly, this is impossible. But I really love writing. So, as of Monday, “The Nicki Daniels Interview” will change to “Funtime Happyplace” and will feature my thoughts on navel lint and lots of GIFs of dancing cats.

Hope to see ya there!


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576 comments on “I’m Sorry

  1. Matt says:

    I have a beard. I trim it down after I get my hair cut. The cut was yesterday, but I haven’t had time to trim yet, because I split 3/4 cord of firewood yesterday afternoon. I may trim today if I have time after stacking said wood. I may have to wait ’til tomorrow, because there’s still a cord in logs on the ground that needs re-design. Truth is I don’t think about my beard much unless my wife complains her face is itchy while we are “exercising”. That doesn’t happen much though, because I prefer to take her from behind. If I get oil or food in my beard, I wash my face. I also wash my hair before I get that haircut. Most days, a rinse in the shower is sufficient. We have four young ones, so the beard is clearly not an impediment to my social agenda. My wife doesn’t act like she’s repressed. If she feels so, she must prefer to be busy contributing to our meaningful family life. Her helpful parents saw to her distinct lack of progressive indoctrination. She is safe and provided for. Her contentment as a function of x is best defined f (−x) = −f (x). Feminists of all genitalia will eventually realize their private language/religion seems odd to 97% of the rest of humanity for good reason. Sadly most of them won’t learn before the ovaries and testicles have exceeded shelf-life and the meaningful life choices are no longer up for debate. Enjoy your cats, bitches. Enjoy your iphone, pussies. You will need far more comfort than you’ll derive from ‘em. Chicks like Nicki are welcome to their lust. My beard was here before the hipsters had pubes and it will be the first smoke of my pyre when I have done with this place.

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  3. Homer says:

    Guys…Can’t we all agree that beards, pussy and boobies are awesome.

    Oh yeah and most men are softcocks :)

  4. JV says:

    I can’t believe some of the responses here. Anyone who is actually serious about being offended by this should probably cancel their internet account immediately and find a corner to go cry in for an eternity. Sheesh!

  5. sosogood says:

    Holy cow I can’t believe how many retards didn’t understand the sarcasm in this blog!!! That piece was pure gold. Brilliant… Loved it! :D

    • John Doe says:

      You might wanna refrain from using terms like retard cause, it shows how stupid you are to use a term deemed hateful to someone born in a way they cannot control. Sure, many butthurt people came to thins blog but retards? No. Just no.

      • Shibes Meadow says:

        As the father of an honest-to-goodness “special needs” child, I’d like to say that I do not find the word “retarded” or any of its variants (e.g., “retard”) to be offensive in any way. We use the word “retard” in our home all the time. There’s no shame in it. “Retarded” is just another word for “slow”, as in “slow learner”. People say “developmentally delayed”, but again, “delayed” is just another way of saying “slow”, and “slow” means the same as “retarded”, so why not just say “retarded”? It all means exactly the same thing.

        People these days are, in general, far too sensitive. They prowl the Internet, constantly on the alert for anyone who might dare use words that might offend one or more members of the Protected Groups. On behalf of one such member of a Protected Group — the mentally handicapped — I’d like to say that we don’t need your help. Your constant White Knight routine is boring and annoying. My child does not need a brigade of shrieking, Tumblr-chick Red Guards and gelded manlets from Reddit enforcing Mao Zedong Thought on her behalf. She is doing just fine without any need from the Social Justice Superfriends swooping down to protect her from the Evil Society of Phonemes. If somebody says something to her or about her that hurts her feelings, she’ll get over it, because we are teaching her to get over it, so please feel free to mount your white chargers are go defend some other castle.

        In closing: every time the Internet Forces of Justice decree another word to be Forbidden, I get the irresistible urge to say it. Why? Well, I could say it’s because I’m a free man and I don’t have to obey anybody’s Speech Laws, but the real reason is simply because I know it pisses off all the finger-waggers, Coexist-sticker-bearers, and the rest of the wannabe members of the Cheka*. Bearing this in mind, I’d just like to say for the record the word “retard” 25 times:


        See? Like the word “nigger”, the word “retard” won’t make the world come to an end just because somebody says it.

  6. Christ Alive! Don’t you people have JOBS?! No need to apologise Nicki. It is confusing. I have a massive beard, I get called a hipster (by the rather ignorant locals) but I have a hammer and I know how to use it and I kite surf – in RUBBER. I think that qualifies me as a real man. Don’t you?

  7. Fran says:

    Nicki, you are super awesome! And so so funny. Stumbled across your blog – love the open letter and love the sorry even more. Hilarious that you rile people to the point of distraction. I think some people just like to be angry – why else would they be here reading your blog if they find such displeasure in your writings? Cynicism, irony and humour (I’m an Aussie, that’s how we spell it. While I’m on the topic, I was a little concerned by your use of ‘tire’ but then wikied it to see that that’s how you guys spell it) win out any day.

  8. Aisha says:

    Wow, what a rant. It’s weird how I fit perfectly into both your catagories for both “pussy” and “hot masculine man”. I have a beard mainly because I forgot my trimmer on a 3-week trip. I can change a tyre. I believe in egalitarianism. I like flat whites. I fucking love steak and a good chilli. I can’t really say I’m offended, more incredibly confused by the utter incongruity of this blog.

  9. AtlanticGirl says:

    Brilliant. That’s all.

  10. This post is ridiculously awesome.


    A man who just shaved off his beard because he accidentally made it lopsided due to trimming while groggy.

  11. Jesus, really? says:

    You should have tagged these posts “humor” so the weak-mided wouldn’t be so butt— oh wait, you did. I guess it’s true — the best humor is rooted in truth. Keep on keepin’ on.

  12. marissahenry says:

    I just thought the letter was very funny, and I believe it’s ok to be silly and not take offense so easily….

  13. I don’t blame women for being angry at these pathetic excuses of human beings walking around. What I find annoying is the stark contrast between what women see in front of their eyes and what is actually in front of them. I applaud this woman for realizing that there are pussies who look like tough guys but it’s a shame she couldn’t mention the guys who are BAD ASSES but try to act and look like normal people.

    For example, I killed 5 people in Afghanistan. I came home, I don’t talk about it I look like a regular guy and women will never know that about me. Being “tough” isn’t something that you can actually talk about. Because the sad thing about being tough or having a large penis is that when you talk about it it makes you look like a huge douche which won’t help you get laid. Just to be clear I wasn’t in the armed forces, but I was really drunk and accidentally triggered an IED and saved myself by hurling a family of 5 on top of the bomb as I run tail between my legs.

    • woodensteel says:

      This response is clearly that of a true Beta.

      ‘He’ sounds like nothing more than a pussified variant of a man. Maybe getting his language skills up to participate would help?

  14. alaa00ab says:

    I really found that the apology is even worse than the original material! As long as he has a beard, my vagina is open for business. What the fuck is wrong with you? I have a beard, and I will my cut my balls, and feed them to a dog, then burn my face with all the beard on it, just to avoid the risk of your stupid open for business vagina!
    You’re only attracted to these gorillas because you’re a fucking moron like them, because in your life, there is a part of your education that went really wrong, probably a mother who told you that a real man has the right to beat you, and if he rapes you, it’s Ok coz he’s your husband. You’re a moron, you’re a shame, you’re an idiot. Because of you, guys think that sex with girls should be granted, I saw your facebook page, and all these guys who posted that they grew a beard, and they’re waiting for an answer, probably hoping they will have an open vagina waiting for them. I’m not gonna say that you are the cause of problems like what happened in California, last weekend, but think about it, a guy went killing six people because girls rejected him, and he felt it was a crime that girls rejected him, The alpha male.
    There’s no thing like alpha male, and girls like you should stop talking like this, and giving men the idea that they should be the alpha male to protect them, guys with long beards and strong arms. Those kind of girls are a major problem in our society. Girls should be stronger, single girls should feel as powerful as the ones walking around with a tall strong bearded man, or the ones walking around with a tiny fat dude, or even the ones walking around with another girl.
    No one needs a beard to be protected, but we all need our neurons well places in our brains, and words coming out from our mouths, making sense, not just talking bullshit like you did twice!
    thank you for reading this

    • I don’t blame women for being angry at these pathetic excuses of human beings walking around. What I find annoying is the stark contrast between what women see in front of their eyes and what is actually in front of them. I applaud this woman for realizing that there are pussies who look like tough guys but it’s a shame she couldn’t mention the guys who are BAD ASSES but try to act and look like normal people.

      For example, I killed 5 people in Afghanistan. I came home, I don’t talk about it I look like a regular guy and women will never know that about me. Being “tough” isn’t something that you can actually talk about. Because the sad thing about being tough or having a large penis is that when you talk about it it makes you look like a huge douche which won’t help you get laid. Just to be clear I wasn’t in the armed forces, but I was really drunk and accidentally triggered an IED and saved myself by hurling a family of 5 on top of the bomb as I run tail between my legs.

    • Isabella says:

      You do realize… This whole post was sarcasm right?… Even I could understand that, LOL.

  15. VAtoSF says:

    Genious! After years living in San Francisco, this Virginia girl is most definitely on Nicki’s page. The apology letter. Also glorious. Loved it!

  16. […] rants, like the very lovely “An Open Letter to Bearded Hipsters” (and the subsequent apology, which fits well with another article I’ve written, speaking of self-aggrandizing), take […]

  17. PWebb says:

    Holy crap, it took forever to find where to comment. I mean, I just want to get my 2 cents in, everybody else got to offer their 2 cents, what about me?!?
    Scrolling, scrolling, seeing more and more 2 cents, but where can I offer mine?
    Wow, everybody’s got 2 cents, so many of them.
    Here it is, Waaaay at the bottom. So here’s my 2 cents.
    2 cents isn’t worth very much anymore, is it?

  18. Leedogg says:

    Dear Women with breast implants,

    YOU GIRLS ARE RUINING MY BOOB FETISH. Ever since I was a little boy, I’ve loved a woman with a nice rack. To me, they meant voluptuousness, sexiness, WOMANLINESS. Someone who could turn me on. Unfortunately, you women have turned it into a fashion statement. The boob has turned into the silicon example of artificiality. Sure it looks sexy, but whatcha got under there? There’s a whole generation running around looking like pin up girls, and most of you can’t feed a baby.

    Look, I get it. I really do. I understand the motivation behind your artificial boobs. In fact, I even pity you. Thousands of years of evolution priming you girls to strut your stuff, and chase guys, and fuck stuff….and now what? You’re stuck at a desk all day. No babies to feed. No kids to raise. So you assert your femininity the only way you know how. You go to the spa. You paint your face. I’ve seen you, fake boobers, sitting in downtown eateries, with your rock star boyfriends, dipping your truffle fries, trying not to get the aioli in your mascara. I’ve seen the quiet desperation in your eyes. I know you’re screaming into the void.

    But I still hate you for it. You’re confusing me. It’s now on me to suss out who is the real woman and who is the poseur. Sadly, I fear most of you are the latter. Before this explosion of fake boobs on desperate women everywhere, if I saw a big breasted woman it was safe to assume certain things about her. Like, she probably owned a skillet. Or washed the dishes and cooked the meals. Her boob was probably scented with real sweat and probably had remnants of the last guy all over it.

    • Isabella says:

      Congratulations, you know how to copy and re-edit an entire post not belonging to you, to fit to what you want to say.

      Must say, A+ for the unique creativity and the awesome skills.

      Just so you know… This is sarcasm, just so you didn’t actually think you were creative in any way. c: If you don’t know what sarcasm is, I suggest googling it.

  19. slobbiker says:

    Nicki, Love it . Yes I have a beard, yes I wear checked shirts, yes I cook, and clean after I have welded shit to my Harley and plucked food from my beard. Love the fact the hipsters have kicked off, so typical of them to write a strong letter rather than fuck someone up pmsl … btw my wife sent me the link to your open letter.. .pure genius

  20. Lee says:

    First off, was this an apology without actually apologizing? :) Second, let’s make a deal: I’ve got absolutely no problem with you judging guys about our physical features, as long as you dont have a problem with guys judging girls about their physical features. Deal?

  21. I enjoyed this one! Just commented on the initial article… It was in no way a ‘dig’ at yourself. I realise of course this is a personal blog etc. etc. so I was just offering my tuppence!


  22. Jarrad says:

    For the record pussy is slang for pusillanimous (showing a lack of courage or determination).

    It’s another feminist battlwflag that shows how ego-centric their movement is.
    God forbid these ‘enlightened’ twits do some damn research before opening their stupid mouths.

  23. Johnf235 says:

    Excellent post. I was checking continuously this blog and I’m impressed! Extremely useful information specially the last part keaefkgeedaf

  24. Trey Lee says:

    amazing how even the font looks sarcastic…

  25. […] the beard thing went viral because she eventually added an apology called I’m Sorry. Her deep and heartfelt attempt at reconciliation is pure gold and ends like […]

  26. Nicolai Coombs says:

    Now that is a priceless apology. Stay fearless. Super stuff.

  27. MJ says:

    Niki – just came across the two posts: bearded men and the im sorry one. You are awesome!

  28. […] I’m Sorry – An apology by an superior individual. […]

  29. The first article was a silly, substanceless summary of bland, common, antiquated, patriarchal notions of masculinity. Obviously any “here are a bunch of manly man things that men today lack ’cause hipsters are pansies” in 2014 is going to get flack. Throwing a hyperbolic tantrum in which you act like the entirety of third wave feminism is absurd, pretentious, and pointless is kind of playing exactly into the hands of every person who overreacted to the first article.

  30. stranger says:

    An apology?! If people are offended, too bad! I don’t believe you should be sorry for hurting other peoples’ feeling for how you feel.

    Have you ever stopped and wonder as to what happened to the people on this planet?! People get so offended just because you’re expressing your thoughts and feelings. If you don’t like it than move on!

    I feel that you should write in big bold letters at the end of the apology, “p.s. go fuck yourself!”

    • Nicolai Coombs says:

      That is exactly what she told them. Read again.

    • Isabella says:

      Her entire post basically says the “p.s. go fuck yourself” deal… It’s all made out of sarcasm, but I’m glad to see a lot of people understand that if she is to write on her own personal blog, that it’s what she wants to do and everyone should just laugh instead of getting butt-hurt.

  31. AFMG says:

    I’ve never read your blog before. In two posts you made me so happy. For that I thank you and I will follow you. Thanks again.

  32. […] tour de force is her apology to hurt Bearded Hipsters. I’m impressed by the writing done in the apology. I don’t get to say that […]

  33. Thomas Smith says:

    I cried and cried until my mascara ran into my un-oiled beard and set like concrete. Which end of the jackhammer do I hang on to?

  34. Tim says:

    Scary stuff.

    Have hipsters REALLY been around since 2005?

  35. Fuck all of the crybabies. I am following just for the greatness above.

  36. psipriest says:

    haha, your hilarious! Love your sarcasm .You would have probably considered me to be a bearded hippie a few weeks ago, but I cut it off cause it was getting annoying. Might grow it again , might not. Loved the article though. Was I offended? Only cause I felt you equated being vegan with weakness. I have hunted and slaughtered and grew up on a farm but decided that being cruel is no longer acceptable. If I’m forced though, I can do it if and when it becomes neccesary. I had to google Allen wrench cause round here it’s called an Allen Key. We don’t have Irish Spring here in South Africa, but I have washed my hair with soap. Never used ‘products’ (that would just be too gay for me) although I did wonder how to keep the beard trimmed. Yes, I wear a beanie occasionally and have done so with the beard. Mainly i’m too lazy to shave, so I don’t when I don’t feel like it. Also , I could change tyres but only do it for my mom and women I wanna shag. I think whenever we generalize and try to group people together we run into problems, since no-one fits the stereotype. Still, keep at it, there’s enough lol cats and self-affirming bullshit on the web, we don’t need funtime happyplace.

  37. Ted Boland says:

    Nah darlin’, you did just right. Stick to your guns.

  38. Kyle Griffin says:

    You are pretty much the best.

  39. Angela Vaden says:

    I’ve read this 5 times. You are funny as shit girl! Sometimes, stuff just gets on your nerves. Thanks for writing about it! Heaven forbid someone have an opinion and not offend people… keep writing.

    • cecilia says:

      I just love both of these! My hubby has a beard and knows how to use tools. I often call him Cavy for a reason! But that’s why I love him. Keep up the good work. I love it when someone can be them selves.

  40. Tony says:

    I’m with you 100%. I’m a city raised male now living in a town of 400. While I hunt, fish, know how to operate tractors, harvesters, front end loaders, and other “lumberjack” equipment, the bearded guys down here are the real deal ands are the ones that built their own house. Not the city version of “we’re building our house” which means they hired a contractor Down here “we’re building” means with their actual hands.
    Niki, I guarantee you that you didn’t offend any real lumberjacks – they aren’t reading this article questioning if they are real men and don’t give a shit about others peoples opinions.

  41. espressodawn says:

    I liked the original article. I like this one too. The butthurt was especially funny from all camps. I feel like I am a bit of everything in that article. I own a hammer, my hands and face have motor grease on them. Sometimes I wear a beard, sometimes I don’t. I know how to take care of the damn thing when I wear it, and shave with a straight razor. I also cook for a living, and enjoy bowties and horned rimmed glasses. Each individual has to figure out what works for them, and if they have such thin skin that a blog post puts their reasons for having a beard in jeopardy they have some work to do. Keep telling your story and if sensitive boys who play at being lumberjacks get sad, so be it. Can’t make everyone happy.

  42. Jennifer says:

    Absolutely brilliant! I like this even more than the open letter. As if I needed another blog to follow. Looking forward to the GIFs!

  43. SuwnolfNC says:

    Brilliant rebuttal to the butt-hurt and angst generated. I had passed that original post around to all the people I knew who needed to see those amazing thoughts the minute my wife showed it to me and loved your heartfelt and genuine reply above. You gained a new reader, Nicki. I only hope you can continue to get better and move forward toward being a more compassionate, understanding and over-all-better Human in the weeks and years ahead…

  44. 0mark says:

    You simply made my day. And quite possible a few more.

  45. Charlie says:

    Well done.
    Both times.

  46. […] via I’m Sorry « The Nicki Daniels Interview. […]

  47. Dawn says:

    Awesome blog! I personally HATE beards and think only dudes cutting down trees or dudes who actually work for the forest service should have them. If you live In the city there’s no reason to even have a beard. Guys are always wanting us to shave our legs, well, go shave those ugly beards. I can’t wait to read what you’ll blog about next!

  48. Thanks you for your dripping sarcasm rebuttal, I hope you get that TV show :D

  49. playa says:

    That awkward moment when you catch yourself telling youngsters you don’t understand to “get off my lawn”. LOL. I remember turning 40 too. Le sigh.

  50. C says:

    Hah, what a cunt.

  51. Gray says:

    Lady, no one’s really ticked off with you about their beards. They’re ticked off because you presume to tell men what is “masculine.” You’re sitting there at your keyboard telling men, most of whom do their jobs, pay their bills, and their taxes, what they should be, how they should act, what they should know. If a man did similar to you, and I’m sure men have, you would be justifiably pissed off. You’re hiding behind the shield of “hey, I was only being funny” and wielding the sword of “it’s your fault if you’re ticked for not having a sense of humor.” I’m going to say something that I’m sure sounds sexist but is true to my experience in that I’ve yet to meet a woman who ever realized when she was being a sexist bigoted twit. The fact that you’re so dismissive of your detractors and don’t seem to understand the root of people’s ire kind of proves this about you. If a woman can be a fully functioning member of society deserving or respect and NOT know how to cook, then a man can be the same without knowing his way around an engine.
    You’re not being clever. You’re not being funny. You’re being sexist.. And you don’t seem to care.

    • Butthurt says:

      She was being funny. You don’t get 500,000 views by just writing a post hating on hipsters; people have been doing that since the dawn of time with mixed results.

      I laughed. Others laughed. It’s okay that you don’t find it funny, but you don’t need to go on a crusade because her article (which was obviously intended to be humorous) didn’t rub you the right way.

      • TheMorkDaddy says:

        If she’s gonna make fun of people goose-stepping to the latest trends, she probably shouldn’t post a photo of herself wearing a cheesy fake moustache – the increasingly overused “party prop,” usually glued to a cheap stick and paraded around by high school kids, sorority girls, twenty-somethings in a photo booth at a wedding, and hipsters who think they are wearing them ironically.

      • ballocaust says:

        i like how “snarky cunt” is the new “witty and charming” for 21st century hoes

  52. David O says:

    Nicki – I adore your spirit! Cheers.

  53. Patricia says:

    Oh my God, you are amazing. I just fell even more in love with you, which I didn’t think was possible after your beard article. Keep up the awesomeness!!

  54. omg that was beyond good. I think I am in love with you!! haha
    I dont normally follow blogs, but you.. you are the exception.
    Thanks for the morning giggles.

  55. Eric says:

    Well done Nicki •~,

  56. Jamie Wilson says:

    I think I’m in love with you, Nicki Daniels. This is a problem, as I am a straight married woman with a bunch of kids, but I’ll learn to deal with it.

  57. vonzorch says:

    Finished reading your rant about bearded hipsters an my sides hurt from laughing. Immediately followed up with your apology, now my sarcasm detector is emitting smoke. Absolutely beautiful keep it up. And those feminazis and neutered males can just stuff it where the sun dosen’t shine.

  58. Some bearded guy says:

    Can I just go out on a limb and tell you I think I may be in love with you.. (and my beard)

  59. Beyond brilliant. My new favorite blog and added to my blogroll.

  60. eccehovenweep says:

    Hey, your blog is funny. Keep up the good work, and don’t worry to much about people having opinions on your opinions. H8ters gonna h8te, lol.

  61. Greg Small says:

    Making fun of over privileged white people is very, very naughty. As of today, I vow to only kick the paralyzed and slap the retarded. I shall go forth and spread this gospel!

  62. Badandrude says:

    While I initially thought that your now infamous beard post was hilarious, and while I also find useless the many of these urbanite/overpriviledged/out-of-touch/Wicker Park, IL kids incessantly tiresome, your post is guilty of some oversimplification and also establishes a false dichotomy–i.e. between “manly” and “hipster.” –without much room for overlap. Really, what does “hipster” even mean nowadays? Is it superficial, like an image in sepia on Instagram? Is it lifestyle occupation, political or social radicalism, or failing to be self reliant? Are hipsters to blame, or should we blame the ineptitude of the baby boomer generation’s child raising?

    I appreciate the satire, but all these idiots sucking up to you are every bit as annoying as the offended progressives. But you certainly have a talent for provocative rhetoric, which is why your blog will certainly find ample traffic i’m sure.

    Written from my Nexus 7 tablet onboard a tugboat currently working the northern inland US Waterways.

  63. Dr. Play Doh says:

    Nicki- Fantastic writing, keep at it. As a neuropsychologist, a vice-principal, and a learned person with a doctorate and 2 master’s i wanted to say a few things. Sometimes a cigar is just a douchebag, a pussy is just a pussy (literally & figuratively) and sometimes the retarded do need slapping. Rock on!

  64. JPDavis says:

    You rock, my manly beard said so. Keep up the good insightful snark.

  65. Windi says:

    I thought your original “open letter” was hilarious, and frankly, the amount of vitriol it aroused really astounded me. I was reading the comments and thinking “God forbid someone actually write an OPINION piece on THEIR OWN BLOG”……how outrageous of you!!! I actually felt sorry for you…….

    Then I read this, and decided that I love you. THANK YOU for replying to the idiocy in a wonderful, hilarious way. Obviously, you have a firm grasp on reality, and have learned not to take the idiots behind the keyboard seriously. And I couldn’t agree more with all of your points.

  66. Bubba Man says:

    Madam, I salute you!

  67. Scott says:

    Nicki, Thank you for speaking out for “realbeards” of the world, for the last half decade, or a bit more, I’ve watched this movement take what I love and make it trendy, I walk through the city streets catching accepting glances and nods from these young men who feel I too will rise to their cause of an 8 dollar cup of coffee from a civet’s poo. As a now, 40 year old man who was once mocked for his plaid shirt and jumper boots, most likely from an older family member of young men I’m referring to, I salute you. My beard is a hat tip to my father and my father’s father! Men who respected all and would roll up their denim shirt sleeve to help a neighbour change that tire or build a fence to keep children safe. I have it in me to go on, but I won’t cause the internet doesn’t have the attention span. In short, I love my 1970′s cafe racer but I built it myself. PBR was never a good beer, it was a cheap beer, YES! bacon is amazing but doesn’t need to be in everything and I will not line up for 2 hours to get the latest brunch place’s porchetta and truffle oil sandwich when I can make a better one at home.

    Keep entertaining us!

    Much love and respect

  68. No but really, can we please be best friends. You are my hero. I thought I wanted to be your friend from the beard post. But after this one … we HAVE to be best friends.

  69. Old Beard says:

    If someone is offended by your Blog they need to blame their parents as they raised a pussy.
    I’m old, bearded, and don’t care for PC crap. Your Blog has been a refreshing ray of sunshine. I thank you for that. For the femnazis, go fly a kite and raise your house full of cats.

    Old Beard

  70. Dan says:

    FWIW I thought it was fucking hilarious.

  71. Who Cares says:

    This whole thing is so weird. First of all, who cares about beards one way
    or the other? You like beards? Cool. You don’t like beards? Cool. You like
    certain kinds of “men”? It doesn’t matter.

    The thing is, you can’t generalize. You just can’t. And for that reason
    alone, the original post and this one are just tripe for distracted Internet
    media consumers.

    Sure it’s couched in terms of social critique, but it adds no real value to
    the public discourse. It’s humorous in a certain base manner, but so is
    making fart sounds by putting my hand in my arm pit and flapping like
    a bird.

    Who cares?

    Anyway, what I find most interesting is all the people piling on, especially
    the cheerleaders and “manly men”.

    To the former, does this piece really give you a voice? Is it actually
    saying anything interesting or valuable? Is it really some kind of useful
    critique of “hipster” culture (or anything else)? Does it move us forward in
    some way?

    Yeah yeah, it’s amusing, but see above–laughs are cheap, and so is
    appealing to the lowest common denominator.

    [Aside: We keep hearing about "hipsters". Who cares about fucking
    "hipsters"? What *is* a "hipster" anyway? Can't you just ignore "those
    people" and live your life? I swear that half the people who talk derisively
    about "hipsters" are "hipsters" (maybe.. since no one seems able to define
    "hipster" except as "someone I don't like").]

    To the “manly men” who listed all the “manly” stuff they can do? Why? What
    is this about? Do you think Nicki gives a shit about you? Do you think she’s
    going to have sex with you? She’s going to validate your existence? I don’t
    get it.

    Personally, I think it’s great that more men feel comfortable growing beards
    nowadays. It wasn’t that long ago that most men felt a lot of social
    pressure to be clean shaven, and that’s fundamentally wrong.

    Maybe some guys tried it out “ironically”. Who cares? A lot of things happen
    this way. It’s similar to using a “joke” to test an idea–you say “how about
    X?” and then if you get a negative response, you say “just kiddin’” and move

    I think a lot of guys wanted to grow mustaches and beards but felt like
    they’d be made fun of, so they did it “ironically” or on a lark. Some found
    they really liked it; others didn’t.

    I just don’t get why shit like this matters so much to some people. They go
    around talking about (complaining about, gossiping about) others, making
    assumptions from which they derive entire narratives. I feel like there must
    be something more interesting to do, something more valuable to create.

  72. Sarah Goings says:

    Will you please be my new best friend????? I think you are hilarious and so right!!! We can have snarky sarcastic conversations, and talk about the sexy manliness of beards.

  73. steerpike66 says:


    Ever since I was a little boy, I’ve loved a woman with good breasts. To me, they meant sensuality, allure, FEMINITY. Someone who could nurture and pamper me. Unfortunately, you chicks have turned it into a lazy charade. Poor breasts have turned into the padded bra of masculinity. Sure they still sometimes look sexy, but whatcha got under there? There’s a whole generation running around looking like either cheap strippers or nuns, and most of you can’t even cook or give a decent neck-massage.

    Look, I get it. I really do. I understand the motivation behind your breast (non-) display. In fact, I even pity you. Thousands of years of evolution priming you girls to attract mates, and feed babies and look pretty….and now what? You’re want to have your own job. No big families to look after. No husband to take care of you. So you assert your femininity the only way you know how. You blog about fashion. You slap on some make-up at the weekend. I’ve seen you, hipster chicks, sitting in downtown eateries, with your gay best friends, dipping your truffle fries, trying not to get the aioli in your mustache. A bag full of knitting and no babies. Blogging about desserts and your cat. I’ve seen the quiet desperation in your eyes. I know you’re screaming into the void.
    But I still hate you for it. You’re confusing me. It’s now on me to suss out who is the real woman and who is the lesbian ballbreaker or psycho slut. Sadly, I fear most of you are the latter. Before this explosion of weirdly unattractive female bodies everywhere, if I saw a curvaceous woman it was safe to assume certain things about her. Like, he probably could cook. Or washed her hair with scented lotions and wore sexy lingerie. Her bedroom was probably pretty and pink and filled with feminine colors and she was probably dynamite in the sack without having being too much of a slut.

    But you oddball Lena Dunham lookalikes are a different breed altogether. You have your boobs, but you dress wrong. You hide it. With knitwear and ugly t-shirts.

    A quick google search of “alternative female fashion” turns up literally thousands of articles explaining how to have express yourself by wearing clothes that are, frankly, not that attractive to men and pretty weird.. You’re either too skinny or too fat, if you have good bodies you dress like skanks and the pretty ones have this ‘attitude’ where they dress ‘the way they feel’. What’s up with that?!

    Yes. Yes it does, you UGLY DYKE!

    Am I reading “Hairy Feminist Magazine”? What the fuck is going on here? Most gay men take better care of themselves than you.

    Look, I know I sound harsh, but I’m actually trying to rein myself in. TITS ARE SUPPOSED TO ADVERTISE YOUR FEMININE DESIREABILITY. Seriously, that’s it. You girls had your soft breasts so you could stay in and nurse our kids, and we had our beards to keep us warm while we hunted. That’s why I love tits. It is a natural, physiological response. I want a woman who attracts me with her soft, feminine mystique. How did it all get so twisted?

    I don’t want to go back to Cro-Magnon days. I’m glad we have more gender equality and I like not having to worry about being eaten by larger creatures. But I am calling for a moratorium on the flat-chests, skanky boobs and heavy sweaters. I demand that you show your your luscious bodies if you have them and hide them if you are not blessed with decent measurements and BMI.

    Are any of the following true about YOU?
    Your big boobs are accompanied by a fat stomach and ass?

    Why would you want to ruin you feminine beauty by not keeping your whole body sexually attractive? You are wasting your most precious blessing. Why would you want to look like Rosanne?
    You hide your tits to be “feminist”. But you don’t exactly understand what “feminist” means, or why having not having tits would be feminine if you didn’t.

    You work in some macho job not befitting a lady, drive the wrong car badly, drink craft beer instead of cocktails, laugh too loud, make sarcastic comments and generally think you can do without male approval.
    There is an existing Instagram photo of you wearing a knit beanie and chewing granola.

    How’d you do, she-males? Better go get your hessian legwarmers. It’s time to stop playing at being a woman. But don’t throw those perfectly good tits in the trash. Give them to some women who knows how to act like a real, biological woman and let her decoupage some photo frames, or something. But please, just get rid of them.

    And me? I have some boob-ogling to get back to.
    Thanks in advance,


    • hemmingplay says:

      I have to say, this is pretty funny, too. I have a serious case of internet crush on Nicki. Mr. Hilarious is on my top-five list, too. These two are pretty good social critics.

      This is where a twinge in my back reminds me that I’m from another aeon, but that gives me a certain perspective. And I just had a f*cking stroke last week, so I’m allowed here. Both MHTILIS and Nicki are right in skewering the obnoxious pretensions of this current age. But believe me, every generation has it’s posers and fakes and cultural wannabes.

      I love it that the art of snark and satire is alive and well. You two give me hope@!!!!

      And I give special thanks to Nicki for being a kick-ass writer and one hellofawoman who’s got the stones to create something like this and let it flow. I love it. If I had a vagina, she’d make it tingle.

    • moonbeam says:

      Thank you. I thought Her beard opinion was fucking hilarious. And yours was equally, if not more so, due To the overall higher inappropriateness level. As a chic with an ample rack who’d never tolerate being degraded by any dude(other than my hubby when I need to be punished and am asking for it) I find the audacity quite refreshing. The human race needs to fucking lighten up. Again, thanks

    • Navy Girl says:

      I absolutely loved your rebuttle, except for the fact that I can’t exactly shave my breast off as these “hipsters” will eventully shave their beards when another trend comes along that they like more. Though I suppose I could get a breast reduction, I’m believe that would cost quite a bit more than a razor does.

  74. Brenda says:

    My husband just asked if he could marry you. Sadly I had to tell him that we are not Mormons.

  75. Did we just become best friends? I think we did.

  76. matthew zilinyi says:

    Dear Nicki,
    I greatly enjoyed both parts of these blog postings, especially the questionable manhood of the majority of bearded hipsters, although as a hirsute, skinny jean wearing, craft beer quaffing douche bag at large, I must say that to group all of us under the umbrella of pussitude is somewhat unfair. Take me for example, I can sit and wax poetic for fifteen minutes about the intricacies of a good single malt or micro brew, but I also enjoy hunting, fishing, building, fucking and fighting not too mention the additional plethora of oddball hobbies that I engage in. on the topic of beard oil, i personally enjoy the smell and it also keeps bugs out of my face (cedar oil) albeit if it takes you longer than a minute to groom your beard you are putting in too much time and might as well sleep with curlers in it like some overly groomed show dog. I love what I have read from your blog thus far and look forward to more cynicism and sarcasm, as both of these things warm me to my core. keep up the good work.

  77. Eli Cabelly says:

    Ok, you are seriously demented.

  78. Uh oh. Now you’re going to get slapped around for saying “retarded” rather than “intellectually disabled.” However, since you were using this term ironically, it was not intended as an insult (except perhaps to your other group of commenters). The Great Sage will exonerate you for this misdeed.

    • Joyce Brown says:

      I beg your pardon? That is ‘differently ABLED’. No such thing as dis-abled. Just sayin’.

  79. Greg Galante says:

    I’ve never heard of you before….. but you are fucking funny! Thank You

  80. finddavemonty says:

    This was a truly remarkable response. Thank you for your humor, insights and attitude.

  81. I can understand the annoyance at hipster beards – but as a man who has the same beard 30+ years after he grew it in high school (wearing it in my graduation photo, in fact), I do have to say that I’d rather see men’s faces hairy than frequently scraped with sharp metal fragments. What I find most annoying are the people who latch onto one bearded icon and think they’re being original and clever by mentioning it when they see a guy with a beard – whether they’re referring to “Grizzly Adams” or “ZZ Top” or most recently, “Duck Dynasty”. (You wanna talk posers? Look at the photos of those yuppie scum from before they realized the back-woods look would make them money.) Maybe if enough men get beardy, we can get rid of that bit of stupidity. (Beard comments while actually AT a ZZ Top concert are different, of course; one is there to celebrate the BoyZZ – their talent and their beards.)

    And yes, my beard has occasionally had beard oil in it; my dad was a Humboldt County redwood logger when I was little, and the whole beard oil thing led me to discover it’s possible to obtain redwood oil (like cedar oil, but better IMNSHO) and have a reminder of that part of my life. Of course, my beard has also had motor oil from my motorcycle and/or whiskey in it at times … as well as a few things you probably don’t want to hear about, since I’m queer as a 3-dollar bill printed in lavender ink.

  82. kenduncan1 says:

    Ha, ha..well done!
    Someone with a good ol’ wry sense of humor.

  83. Steve says:

    Sure you can have opinions!! Now I know that you dwell on the superficial, though. I actually liked your articles, except where I’m a privileged white person who its okay to slap for some reason. I hate that you’re hated on for being female and using cuss words. I think its fucking great! I hate that the feminists think you’re taking their cause backward for having honest opinions about your desires. (that is more progressive than pretending not to have them). You have your tastes, but God, I shoulda blogged on how sick I am of GF’s being obsessed with beards! I don’t expect I’ll conform to anyone’s, let alone everyone’s standards, but I can’t even grow a beard! You just called me flat!

  84. feceman says:

    I just came here for the kitty picture.

  85. Jessica says:

    My dear unknown kindred spirit-

    Keep going. Love your thoughts and how your mind works. Insert fist bump here.

    • Jessica says:

      Fist bumps from all directions. This response, and the original open letter, were hysterical and I loved reading them. Screw the Femi-nazis, and their bullshit lie that “we can have it all”. Now there are suckers out there working full time jobs, raising kids, doing the day care shuffle, taking care of their home, trying to hold their marriage together, AND take care of themselves. Wow. Sounds like having it all to me *insert loud laughter and a face palm here*.

      Some of us don’t want it all. We want a real man to take care of us, and to treat us like women. We want our doors opened, and our chairs pulled out, and help putting our coats on. We want someone to change the oil and mow the yard, and then rave about how great we are at managing the care of our family and home with charity work, book club, PTA, and socializing with neighbors and friends. I can tell you that I’ve never felt so FREE as when I’m in the kitchen at 1pm with my preschooler singing made up songs to me while I make cookies and prep dinner. Sure beats the days when I was sitting in my office missing out on my older son’s life because I really thought that I was being “liberated”.

      Beards should indeed be for real men. Those of you wearing scarves, beanies, and skinny jeans, while listening to indy rock on your iphone while you “telecommute” from a coffee shop and sipping on your venti mochachino half caff with whipped cream, cinnamon and a double shot of carmel… you’re not fooling anyone. Don’t be mad that Nicki Daniels called you out on it!

  86. Kris10729 says:

    Haha… I love your sarcasm! This and the beard article were hilarious. I’m still laughing. Consider this site bookmarked.

  87. ben says:

    This is orsm. Period :)

  88. I love you even more than after I read the beard article. Which was only like 90 seconds ago. But it seems like so much longer.

  89. sheeluv says:

    HA! Was introduced to your blog via the hipster beard write-up.. clicked to the apology page [not because I was offended, but curious]. I almost assumed you would write a,
    “sorry not sorry” or “fuck off” instead of what I found and oh man, the apology letter was even more amusing. You write very well! Interesting, amusing, and a breath of fresh air. I love cats, but please keep the words on the blog and save those for instagram. xx

  90. A social commentator says:

    What a great blog. Nicki, I love you writing and I love your style. Fuck ‘em

  91. Jimmy Smutek says:

    When I read your beard post I was initially a little annoyed. I recognized the humor, but the post was just so…. presumptuous, I guess. Then I started reading the comments, and I laughed. I also loved your ‘apology’.

    I’m adding your blog to my feed.

    ps. by way of intros – I work at a desk, in front of a computer, all day. I’m self employed, I know how to change a tire, but that’s about it. I’ve been around the block here on the mean streets of Baltimore, and I am in my 15th year of recovery. I have a beard because my wife likes it and, frankly, it’s easier to just let it grow than to shave.

    Keep on writing. All the best.

  92. Santa says:

    I think you are funny and sarcastic. Reminds me of the RUBS (Rich Urban Bikers) that go buy a new motorcycle and think they are big and bad because they think they might pick up a “lady”.. Simply dumb ass and can’t ride for shit. Hazard on the road.
    I have had a beard for 40+ years even when I was in the U.S. Navy.. I am a biker, a veteran, country boy hillbilly and proud of it. Many now will assume I am some sort of redneck but I am not as I am a professional in my job field and work with the US government as a contractor not some prejudice asshole swill. I support many charities and veterans in this area of the country. Don’t worry about being politically correct as most today seem to have their feelings out on their sleeve. Those that are offended are going to be offended no matter what you say. Where has all the humor gone in this country when folks can’t make fun of themselves and friends? Those folks out there that want to run their trap and wonder how they can? Ask a veteran.
    PS- I am Santa Claus during the season and year round. You are on the good list.

  93. JustAnotherRandomGuy says:

    I was reading along just fine until I had to stop and ponder your “freakishly strong vagina”…

  94. Beardless forever says:


    Before I read this I knew I was good at all “manly” pursuits. If only I could grow a beard, I would be so much better!

    Bugger, looks like I spunked my words on the internet again.
    Oh well at least I’m not the only one.

  95. jrferrell says:

    Great article. Like the TV- If you don’t like the programing, turn the channel or turn it off. As you can see from my Pic., I do have a beard, don’t know what a “Hipster” is (nor do I care), and I thoroughly enjoyed both of these articles. Keep up the good work Lady (or is that being sexist?)…I Enjoy your posts.

  96. Sam says:

    If it’s your ‘personal blog’, Darling, then don’t post it online if you don’t expect or indeed desire public response/debate. Having said that, it’s all good fun, but your apology was as incendiary as your original post… smart marketing. :-)

  97. Leigh - Man With Old Beard says:

    Inspired. I would like to subscribe to your periodical.

  98. Scotty Fitz says:

    You’ve really made me laugh this morning – good on ya. I know I don’t need to tell you this; you’ve obviously got these people who take the internet far too seriously under control.
    But whatever label they or you give them – keep taking the piss !!
    You’ve got one very lucky hubby.
    Bearded, red blooded, biker male ;)

  99. Brad says:

    So, I want to marry you. Set a date.

  100. ya blew it says:

    Butthurt masses….you are ruining everything. Just everything. Fucking pussies. Great read, Nicki!

  101. Jose Garcia says:

    This reminds me of a quote: “Haters gonna hate.” – Abe Lincoln. It also reminds me that the interweb is a very seriously place. I am a bit hipstery, and I wear a beard (though I also own both a hammer AND an allen wrench, and keep them in a shiny red traditional toolbox no less!). And, I was not too upset about your post. For every beard-loving hipster-hater there’s got to a beard loving hipster admirer… or you know, someone who just likes me for me… Keep the posts coming… You have a great writing style…

  102. ginatural says:

    people are so freakin’ sensitive!

  103. Juliet says:

    Nice! Keep going Nicki, got some good publicity today :-D

  104. Beard says:

    Awwwww. Poor baby.

  105. all I can say is HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA perfect reply!!

  106. Ted says:

    I love this response and the original post and your wickedly sarcastic sense of humour. And I am glad you aren’t defeated by (rather electrified by, instead, it seems) people who take themselves waaaaay to seriously. Keep up the great work!

  107. Alex says:

    I found this an enjoyable a read as the open letter. Keep it up!

  108. oliver says:

    Wot a lot words. Does anyone here think they are perhaps taking themselves way to seriously. Loved the article and the apology. Nice work.

    • Raffspeed says:

      This is part of a difficult time for me. I hadn’t realised that I had a hipster beard until I was picking up a bunch of parts from a mate of mine a lil while ago. He hadn’t seen me for a while and with a smirk asked me what the deal with my hipster fuckin beard was. I come from a longish line of folks from a wee island off the coast of Italy called Pantelleria (spelling) and it seems men from this particular part of the world have facial (as well as general bodily) hair that grows like skunkweed in a decent hydro setup. I also happen to be between sexual partners and am by nature a lazy fucker in some aspects. So you can imagine how hopeful I became to discover that there might actually be women out there that see my lack of personal grooming as a plus, not to mention being handy with tools and shit (I even have a lathe and bunch of hydraulic benches amongst other fancy shit if that helps???) might just be a plus???? I just always thought I was a messy, lazy, mechanically gifted loser but hey, things are definitely looking up!!!!

  109. Ian says:

    So funny! I laughed so hard at all the hate-spew I forgot to get my dick in a knot over the article…lol

    A hipster with a naked chin is just as much of a nerd-wannabe poseur as one with a van dyke or a grizzly adams. Nicki, now you need to write an article explaining the difference between a hipster and a metrosexual…ROTFLMAO!

  110. Wow, if I’m ever feeling like maybe people aren’t stupid dicks, I’ll just read the comments to this article.

    I love your work, Nicki. Even though I’ve got a beard and someone once called me a hipster.

  111. Maryanne says:

    Excellent. The first post, shared by a friend, was irritating. After reading this “apology” I’m satisfied that this person’s words are not worth reading. Have your blog, you are so very clever. Enjoy your excursion through the depths of absolute frivolity.

  112. hahaha says:

    People like this woman make me want to throw up.

    • Ron Swanson says:

      Well go throw up your quinoa or whatever the fuck it is uber-sensitive types like you eat.

    • Squatch says:

      got a weak stomach there hipster ? Shave off that hair, you don’t deserve it..wearing your wood framed glasses and shemagh around your neck, sipping your starbucks with your pinky out like your grandmother taught you. All the butthurt proves the point, emo beatnicks aren’t worthy of the beard.

  113. Jeremy says:

    I m entertained. But on that note I have noticed one big difference between Hipster dudes and “Regular” dudes.
    Hipsters spend time and hundreds of dollars worth of products to look like they look that way crawling out of bed. “Regular” dudes just crawl out of bed. I’ve done both. I recycle. I own many guns. I know how to use a computer. I can build a house. I can make an eco-friendly garden. I can fix my own car. I ride my bike to work. I do burnouts for fun in my SUV. I own beard oil. I don’t use it every day. The biggest thing though is, on a daily basis, I laugh at myself and don’t take myself too seriously. Try it out sometime. Keep up the funny stuff Nicki!

  114. DJWilkerson says:

    I was going to shave down to a goatee today, then I read your post. Can I get your opinion on goatees?

  115. ScruffyMcBeardie says:

    NIki – thank you for rockin’ the intertubes! I can’t wait for the next ‘I’m sorry’ post – keep pissing people off, they need it.

  116. froggensays says:

    You elevate sarcasm to beautiful and dizzying heights. My thanks.

  117. Fernando says:

    Oh, I forgot! Manly men with all the whining and bitching online are one of the funniest characters of the blog.

  118. Fernando says:

    Was all this planned or intended, NIcki? Sending a bait to highly insecure people who would try to work out their masculine identity online to strangers? Attracting pseudo-intellectuals to make the whole thing even more surreal? Not to mention people who don’t care about your opinions but have to engage in long efforts to tell you that. This could go on and on.

    All this is makes your blog even funnier. I was just curious if when you write you have an audience and interaction and mind – an idea how it is all going to play out? Or just go straight from the heart? Do you often get surprised? Anyway, my questions are getting boring, great blog, keep it up.

  119. The great Volpini says:

    I read the first few lines of your tripe. Only came here to leave this comment. Couldn’t care less what your opinions are.

  120. Sayed Ibrahim Hashimi says:

    This post and the open letter were 100% spot on. I wish more women were like you! Thanks for speaking up.

  121. Tanner says:

    Beards sure mask a shit ton of insecurity. Apparently.

  122. Bobcat says:

    Niki – 2 points. One: that is some very cool and very clever writing. Two: you have to expect a backlash from our bearded hipster friends – you’re hitting a raw nerve there, slagging off what is at the heart of their sense of identity. But we are entitled to our opinions. As a friend of mine said, first world problems eh?

  123. Jeremy Renner's Ugly Twin says:

    I just thought it funny. What a maelstrom of sensitivity. Keep it up, Nicki.

  124. RothPSD says:

    Hi, bearded guy who builds motorcycles, shaves with a straight razor, and genuinely likes the taste of whiskey.

    I’d like to think you for your insight on such a complex topic. I mean it’s impressive how you were able to reduce men into three groups: bearded guys who make your vagina tingle, bearded guys who you feel are undeserving of it, and non-bearded guys.

    I’m a big fan of the people like you who want to call me hipster now because they look at me, see a beard, and a plaid shirt. Such analytical skills that you possess. I like how your sexist dribble also managed to rip guys that you don’t know and force the other bearded men out there to prove that they are man enough (in your very simple minded opinion) to wear a beard. The only requirement to grow a beard is the ability to grow facial hair. Just kind of how you don’t need to be able to be a nice kitchen wife before you can grow your hair out, as so you don’t confuse all the men who might want a wife out of the 1950′s.

    You just wrote an ass-hole apology and acted like you were surprised that people would call your piece sexist. Take the first paragraph, take every basic stereotype you used to describe a male, and put in a female one. Now read it and ask yourself “do I sound like an intelligent person with anything worth saying?”. The answer is no; and you knew that.

    Now lets get on to the humour of your article. You’re just not funny. When your readers can predict your punch line before finishing the sentence, that says something about it. Your jokes are obvious, and that’s something to work on. I mean some of the comments state that you’re hilarious, but they are usually accompanied by an OMG and an LOL so that should tell you something about the kind of people you are relating to.

    And a tip to the simple women out there who just want a nice full beard and those classic masculine characteristics. We (the men that fit that) don’t want to date you. We’re independent, we’re strong, we’re intelligent. We don’t need some lost little girl who gets a wet vagina and tries to touch our beard when they flirt. It’s pathetic. When a woman like you it that easily loured in by a fucking bread it’s pretty off putting. I mean if you’re hot we’ll have sex with you but why date you? I mean, you reduced us to a simple beard, so why should we think of you as something more than a fun night? That’s the reality of the situation. If you want to reduce people to something that simple than why would anyone see you as a fully developed person with anything worth offering

    • sarah says:

      Aw SNAP!

    • Jamie says:

      Wow dude, take a deep breath. Satire is satire, opinion is opinion. You might not agree, but this is the internet. Take two seconds to research Wheaton’s Law on wikipedia, then come back here and decide whether or not you want to get involved.

      Love your work Nicki. Made me smile.

    • Emily says:

      This emulated exactly what I felt up until “and you knew that”. I wish you would have stopped writing then, because what follows sounds more like Nicky’s article. It is insulting and unnecessary. Calling women pathetic for liking a beard is close to calling someone pathetic for growing a beard in hopes to assert masculinity. I’d like the reassert that I did like the first half of your reply and I agree with your critique of the article.

    • Jackson says:

      A beard wasn’t enough, you learnt to build motorcycles, shave with a straight razor and you developed a taste for whiskey… You are really committed…


      5 o’clock shadow guy, who builds ikea furniture, shaves with whatever was the cheapest razor in the store at the time, and mixes coca-cola in whisky to make it taste less like ass… because manufactured identities are so transparent, you might as well do what you want.

    • Fliggity says:

      It wasn’t your beard that lured me in, it was the image you so vividly painted of little lost girls touching your beard with wet vaginas.

  125. femandme says:

    In your article you condone gender equality but completely generalize men into being either “masculine” or pussies. This article contradictory and borderline misandrist.
    We can’t fight against misogyny but allow misandry, that’s ass backwards.

  126. femandme says:

    In your article, you condone gender equality but completely generalize men into being either “masculine” or pussies. The article is contradictory and borderline misandrist. We can’t fight against misogyny but allow misandry, that’s ass backwards.

  127. David Seelig says:

    As someone who grew up with two feminists around my mom and my step mom, knowing they have and had a sense of humor. Love you.

  128. Karen says:

    Oh my gosh!! I love you. Not in the weird girl-girl way. LOL (someone somewhere just got offended!!) YOU are so funny & witty and my step-son, who has a beard, LOVED your “An Open Letter to Bearded Hipsters“. He said it made him happy. He is a very chill guy. Who isn’t threatened by free speech. :) I am just…… amazed at the backlash. You just keep doing what you do. Now, I think I will go read some more of your blog & save you in my blog folder. Thank you!!!!

  129. Johnny Truant says:

    I’m glad you’ve decided to show us just how small you can be. I suppose you’re just lucky enough to be marginally attractive and haven’t had the misfortune of being criticized in the past because you use your gender as a way to belittle people who want to have sex with you. Enjoy your free drinks you chauvinistic waste of internet space.

    • Falconhoof says:

      There much traffic over at your blog then? If you want to read that as a euphemism for ‘I’ll bet you don’t get much sex’, go ahead.

    • ashleyatlanta says:

      I’m pretty sure a woman who up-front lays out she is an ex-drug addict knows what criticism is. And, if there was drinking to be done, considering she’s a bartender, I’m sure she wouldn’t have to get in her own pants for a five finger discount. Nice try, though.

  130. miko says:

    Perfect “I’m sorry” letter…witty and funny. I especially liked the comments referring to the youngin’ feminists taking gender studies 101! I’m so sick of dealing with early twenty somethings who think they have it all figured out!

  131. From a non-bearded, non-hipster man (who, for arguments sake, does know what a crescent wrench is, and doesn’t have a single photo of anything on instagram.): I thought both your open letter and your “I’m Sorry” articles were both well written and extremely humorous. The only reason so many people get so angry about a personal opinion is when it strike so close to the truth. I applaud not only your courage, but your writing finesse as well. Don’t stop blogging!

  132. Janice says:

    Your ignorance is sad. That people think what you’re writing ‘rocks’ and agree with your thoughts really worries me. I thought we were getting past this crap. You’ve got a talent for writing, and people read what you have to say; be careful of what you choose to make light of. It might not seem important to you, but it’s of huge importance to social change for the better. Body shaming, hetero-normative stereotypes, latent aggression towards those who don’t fit the socially-approved characteristics expected of them; these are serious subjects, and a great deal of people suffer every day, are beaten or killed, commit suicide, because people like you don’t realize that words and thoughts have power, they spread quickly and go viral. It takes everyone to affect change, so that people can feel comfortable being themselves and not ashamed, hated, targeted, bullied, assaulted or murdered because they’re different. A lot of people work really hard to try and break down these ways of thinking and affect a change in the way people see and judge each other. The know that seemingly innocent remarks that are made to get people laughing at themselves and others – those are the main way that these hurtful stereotypes are kept alive. Anything that makes light of putting people down for being different is just as harmful in the perpetuation of hate and discrimination as a physical assault. It’s hate veiled in humor and probably completely unconscious in it’s intent, but it hurts us as a society just as effectively. By all means, you have a right to your thoughts; go ahead and blog away, but be careful what you put out there. If you want to joke around and not be judged and not cause harm, set your ‘personal blog’ to private. What goes viral is your responsibility, and all those people who read it are affected by your words. The undercurrents of judgement feed hate, and some of the people you’ve reached with your blog express hate with violence, that’s just a fact. Violence takes many subtle and unconscious forms. Your words might influence someone to pass a candidate over for a job because of how they look, to sneer at, taunt or shame someone, to cut them off in traffic, drive by someone in need of assistance, laugh at someone’s misfortune, they might influence who a person chooses to befriend or have a relationship with. Words have a lot of power, especially when expressed in humor. You joke about affecting change; you’re affecting people whether you like it or not, how you choose to affect them is completely on you.

    • Tim McEown says:

      Making fun of beardy hipsters and their affectations is not only appropriate but necessary. Your concerns seem genuine but, in my opinion, they are so wasted in this particular instance. And the idea that you have some particular hold on what speech is harmful versus what speech is not is laughable in its arrogance. That is an ongoing conversation, not something you get to circumscribe and define. Climb down to the ground with the rest of us mortals and try and take yourself a little less seriously. The questions you are engaging are significant; your sweeping generalizations and naive prescriptions about what you think is appropriate, not so much.

    • Allie says:

      slow your roll there batman, pretty sure no one will jump off a bridge because their beanie wearing instagram photo was lol’d at. You should use your energies for something other than bugging really good writers, you should write letters to bigger causes to affect change or donate your energy to a soup kitchen unless those might be considered fiscally-shaming houses of hetero-something.

    • Rad pants says:

      Paragraphs. Read about ‘em.

    • Greg says:

      Stop. You are taking this entirely WAY too seriously.

    • Karen says:

      Janice: Arrogant much? Way too serious? Do you throw tomatoes at comedians? Are you not ok with people being who they are? I was born a heterosexual female who really, really loves a man to be a stereotypical manly-man. Why is that not acceptable? <— THAT is NOT rhetorical!!! Along with the whole hipster beard thing, I want to know what is up with sagging of the skinny jeans. I find that to be incredibly confusing. (I hope my confusion does not cause someone to go jump off a bridge) Why don't you, Janice, put some of your energy into understanding people who are not just like you. Oh- & maybe go to counseling to get help for that underlying venomous anger.

    • Pedro says:

      grow up

    • JohnnyBoy says:


  133. Grady says:

    Hey, faggot with a beard here. Just wanted to let you know you’re not funny and just because a bunch of ugly bitches and back road hicks cheer on your posts it doesn’t make you any better of a writer.

  134. Aly Nicklas says:

    I fucking love you. Rock on girl!

  135. dissent21 says:

    Hey. No worries, Niki. You seem to have shit handled, but I agree with you. As someone who is a month away from exiting the army, and eagerly awaits a chance to grow my own beard while I work on my truck and do construction for a living, I agree with you. (Before I go further, can I just say I didn’t read any of these other comments? Cause I didn’t) “Manliness” today, has a lack of meaning. There is a breakdown in what masculinity really means, and, instead of addressing issue and trying to figure it out, it seems most men these days are content to just agree with whatever the prevailing theory is in their particular social circle and move on. Fuck that noise. A real man determines for himself what he believes, and sticks to it, come hell or high water. Even when it’s fucking miserable. I think there are a lot of issues in society today, but I think a lot of them would be solved if men today remembered what the fuck it meant to BE A MAN. Oh well. I’m just gonna grow my fantastic beard, clean my guns, and move on with my life. We’re all doomed at this rate, anyways.

  136. Trav says:

    Hey Niki,
    I feel like the only response necessary and appropriate for either of your post has been missed. I’m not going to divulge my love for South by SouthWest or tell you that balls make a good mantle piece. My friends and I have actually laughed at how funny balls would seem hanging alone with no accompanying member, I feel as though we can agree on that. I like a few bands that have played SxSW ( i hope this is an appropriate way to abbreviate it), I haven’t checked, but if your close to my age, you probably have too. My point being, I can change a tire (actually I’ve changed the suspension in a car before), cook dinner, possess one of those nifty college degrees you spoke of (in philosophy, so I have an idea about feminism), and respect your opinion on beards. I guess the part I missed was your basis for the idea that men with beards are more chivalrous; gentleman-like. The beard has signified many things, but I don’t think respect for women has been one of those. Power, wisdom, homelessness, etc. I write this as a man with the aforementioned qualities and a beard. I grew a beard because I was one of the first kids in my younger years with facial hair, realized then that shaving sucks, and that if I do so, I look 10 years younger. I never had the inclination that growing a beard was directly linked to chopping down trees and opening car doors. As for the products for beards, an unruly nasty beard is not wanted by either sex, trust me. Other than what I have mentioned, I agree with you. A beard for style or irony is silly. Grow it because you want to, not because you saw an instagram post with 347 likes.

    • Jelly Flavored Kely says:

      I think you missed her point… She said her vagina is open for men with beards. This is a basic desire to f$*k men with beards. :)

  137. Mountainbeardman says:

    Thank you, thank you! This made my week! Freaking hilarious! Just discovered your blog and look forward to other gems like this one! Awesome, simply awesome!

  138. lustforlife says:

    You are awesome!

  139. Vifargent says:

    A/ Hilarious B/True (and I live in Portland, so I KNOW); C/ You’re brave and I’m totally glad I gave up personal blogging because I am so totally not! D/ Hilarious, *and* True, and it’s far, far worse when they’re in tight short shorts and also happen to be riding 12-ft tricycles in glasses with no lenses and ladies’ 80s ankle cowboy boots and John Deere tube socks over faded salmon-hued leggings one-handedly playing the ukelele while drudging out rhythm on harmonica (but at least that way you perhaps get a warning that they may not be conversant with basic mechanics/electronics/physics/life???

    It’s not the beard itself, I don’t think. It’s that the hipsters are demanding that the semiotics of the beard be reconstituted or reimagined – but no one else is on board, so we’re still expecting a guy possessed of beard-&-Mackinaw/ beard & engineer boots/ beard & axle-grease-coated Levi’s to have some idea how to drive a manual, or (less likely yet) compression-start, not to mention at least *identify* a circuit breaker or water main, or know a bull from a cow. But the codes have been changed without our consent (everybody’s, not just ladies’), so it’ s confusing. Like if suddenly all programmers started steroid supplements and huge exercise regimes and we had to root though that pool, in a gym, instead of the previous default to find a decent coder for a project: it would be totally counterintuitive.

    That, then, I posit, is their real harm. They’ve gone and wrecked that quite useful intuition, which is to say the social contract. I presume a butch is a butch, and not a hidden Barbie starlet; I figure the guy in blood-stained whites with acrylic gloves ob, a knife in his hand, and a primal behind him is the butcher, and I like to be confident in supposing that the dude with an ancient foam-fronted cap on his head, fly-fishing reels in his hand, and waders on, is my fishing guy, and not just some weirdo from the suburbs trying to instantiate some ersatz Americana Olde Tyme Gentleman.

    Why? Because that’s radically lame

    • cris says:

      Congratulations, of all comments yous actually went to the core of the issue. Indeed its not the beard it’s the posing that sucks. Because it’s fake.

  140. Awesome. You’re awesome and I love your blog!

  141. Oh you seem to have easily crushed everyone that took issue with you, that was cool x

  142. Rio says:

    I meant many readers. ::blushed::

  143. Rio says:

    I can show you how to write a nice blog. Of course I don’t have man readers. :( (sad face).

  144. Vin says:

    Well, that was a fun way to discover your blog!

    Loved every word. I am an old man (forty is old in the internet, right?) who chose to move out of the neighborhood in which I resided for fifteen years because it became a hipster enclave filled with the sorts of Omega Men you so incisively described.

    The boys who flocked here to defend the honor of their fancily groomed facial hair and their artisinal ways…well, the “doth protest too much” thing comes to mind.

  145. Girly girls and manly men are BORING says:

    I think it’s cool that guys can get to be nancyboys with impunity. I like the baby faced look, preferably someone manly enough to rock out some eyeliner without having to check and make sure he still has balls. News Flash: he DOES!

    Bread, brawn and a concealed gun don’t make a man. Just like breasts, cooking and cleaning house don’t make a woman…

  146. David M says:

    wow, if all your apologies are this hilariously written, i hope someone insults you again soon.
    btw, you must have created that commenter “kafkaesque sparrow.” Nice job on that, too. One of the best pieces of satire I’ve seen in a while.

  147. Tim McEown says:

    Aren’t you the saucy little baggage. I think what I enjoyed most about this whole experience is how pointed you were about your own agency. And how fucking correct you were with the assorted beardy douchebaggery. (I read about your work at Andrew Sullivan’s ‘The Dish’ which is also something notable). Thanks woman.

  148. While I think you pretty likely have a stilted throwback notion of gender that I wouldn’t want to touch with a pole of indeterminate length, just keep doing what you’re doing. There are many many similar womens with throwback attitudes to gender responsibilities, but most of them hide it and spring it at the least opportune time– like after you’ve committed. All of the closeted 50′s sissy-girls should be so loud-and-proud, it would greatly help with the sorting. If you can’t/won’t change a tire and think ball-bearing BeardMan needs to (srsly? changing tires? this is the standard?) then it’s best you go Kardashian it with a similarly stilted Beardy McManly type and not pee in the pool the rest of us swim in.

    • Tim McEown says:

      Your snark is savagely sub-par dude. I’m also pretty sure you could use a de-literalizing enema. If you can’t joke about beardy hipsters and beard hipsters can’t take a joke then it is time for all of us to pack it in and make room for people who aren’t so tragically sensitive about their facial hair choices. You are so proving her point.

      • Er ah um… but I don’t have a beard, and it’s not snark. I am seriously encouraging all the folks who think like this to be so open about their deep down simplifications. I think it’s great, or at least a lot greater than hiding it. And this lady’s-lady writes in a refreshingly unselfconscious style that I enjoy!

        As an equal-opportunity modern liberal type, I hope a similarly talented internet scribe of the male persuasion goes off on a rant about ugly fat chicks with small boobies and fertility problems who have the temerity to wear dainty floral summer dresses. HIDEOUS SHE-BEASTS!!!! LOSE WEIGHT AND GET IMPLANTS!!! amirite, dude?

  149. Heather D says:

    You. Are. My. Hero. ‘Nuff said.

  150. Your apology is only rivaled by the post it needlessly apologizes for. Well done on both counts. [Standing ovation.]

  151. keesetl says:

    I was sad when I saw you had an apology. Then I read it. You’re awesome.
    -Bearded Man with a Hammer, Tire Iron, and Socket Set.

  152. Claire says:

    You are awesome!

  153. KafkaesqueSparrow says:

    Before I go apeshit and shred you to pieces I’d like to start by letting you know that you’re a pretentious pseudointellectual who feigns intelligence and this excrement of yours which you consider “creative writing”, is hilariously pathetic even though you try very hard to be funny, witty and sarcastic while failing miserably. Somewhat ironic I suppose. Anyways I couldn’t be bothered to put in the effort to read any of your previous posts or even the one you’re apologizing for. Coming from an immigrant background where I’ve had every single outrageous murderous racial slur thrown at me, I could hardly be offended by a privileged degenerate white girl with a delusional sense of her own self worth. I just absolutely relish tearing apart dumb bitches who have their heads right up their wide fat c*nt and putting them back in their places where they belong. I can also tell that you were deeply overwhelmed and intimidated by the response your last article got even though you tried very hard to hide your own fear behind that veil of supposed irony and sarcasm. I’m just here to add more insult to injury and make you hate your existence even more and the stupid choices you made. So let me get a few things clear for you so you can understand them well. You’re a shit writer who knows it who won’t get anywhere with it. Your only audience includes gun toting bearded rednecks(which your husband is one I presume) who are inadequate in the you know what department so their wives use the barrel to satisfy themselves and the other being pansy ass hipster “men” (“You go girl!” types) who seek approval from outspoken women like yourself to compensate for their own lack of masculinity. Continuing on with the list, you said somewhere you’re a slut, but you were kidding, but you know you actually weren’t, so you actually are, so your daughter is stuck with a shitty role model and a slut for a mom so I feel bad for her. (Yes, family is not off limits for me, Goddamn I’m such a POS scumbag aren’t I). You said somewhere you were a recovering drug addict, but maybe I just imagined that since I haven’t actually read any of your stuff, but I’m gonna generalize and assume anyways since you have tattoos and also look like one. Must be hard to live with yourself. Forgot what I was gonna say next. Anyways I’ll go for now, but before leaving I’ll just say one more mean juvenile thing and that is that picture of yours looks like your bearded macho super super manly man who you have a fetish for defecated on your face the shape of a mustache to fulfill some twisted unfulfilled fantasy of yours. Bye.

    • Kevin the Wizard says:

      Man, someone just got real butthurt. You need to chill out, homie.

      • Kieran says:

        Haha, gold…

        • KafkaesqueSparrow says:

          Are you one of her long lost kids she popped out in the can when she was fucking random dudes years ago? Replying to every post and defending mommy’s honor aren’t ya? What do you get for this in return? Does she let you suck a tit or something?

          • hemmingplay says:

            KafkaesqueSparrow sounds like the name a bearded hipster would pick.

          • You need to be euthanized, buddy.

            • KafkaesqueSparrow says:

              Haha! That wall of irony and sarcasm finally came crashing down didn’t it? So naturally your only response would be a pathetic go kill yourself. What happened? Ran out of clever things to say? Where’s the creativity juice? Now before I say anything else to demean you just let me tell you where I’m coming from. Hear me out.

              I am not a bearded hipster. As I’ve said before I come from an immigrant background. This ethnic religious identity is something I take seriously. Where I come from is for you to figure out. Members of my community were massacred in a temple almost 2 years ago. The issue here which you know as well is my beef with you regarding facial hair.
              Hair is something we consider sacred in our culture and religion. It is a gift from God. Meant to be preserved and cherished. We don’t shave. We don’t cut our hair. We tie it up in a turban. My ancestors were brutally persecuted, cut up and burned alive in the past centuries trying to preserve their religion and these ideals. They chose to voluntarily identify themselves as members of this group rather than take the easy way out and hide themselves in a crowd and look like everyone else. You trivialized these things we hold so dear and mocked those who don’t fit your fetish. Essentially you said that the only persons allowed to possess facial hair are those that play along with this fucked up notion you have based on tingling in your crotch, and all others are weak, emasculate posers. When you mock my ancestors and mock our purpose in life, I’m gonna come at you guns blazing ready to tear your asshole apart. I know. It’s some fucked up third world bullshit that’s ingrained in my psyche which I take very seriously. Family, Religion, Honor and Pride. You would never understand. And I know that you had no intention of offending anybody. But you sheer ignorance is what got me going. Especially if it’s coming from know it all former prostitute and self proclaimed life coach. If you tried to live even a little bit outside that white girl bubble of yours, you’d realize that not everyone with a beard is a lumberjack or a pretentious hipster. Some of them are decent hardworking people with different cultural values, who don’t step on anybody’s toes.

              I could have gone the PC route and told you how its not good to try and offend other people who are different and keep their feelings in mind. But now you know if you don’t know what you’re talking about , assholes like me are gonna come at you and try and make you miserable. Waiting for the pissed off rednecks and closet white supremacists to shit themselves while they whine about how we can’t say anything without offending some minority. Meanwhile me and my relatives are gonna go buy up some more gas stations and convenience stores.

              • Lala says:

                Her open letter doesn’t even apply to you. It was directed to hipsters w beards. You are mixing issues here dude! Bringing your culture and religion. Nobody here is talking about your kind of beard! Nobody is accusing you or judging you. Yet you come here full of insults and stereotypes with this I’m so smart and above all of this attitude. While getting more nasty and low with every new reply.

                The original post was a light hearted funny entry about why she dislikes hipsters with beards. How you mixed that with her attacking your culture, religion and even your relatives is beyond me. Quite self centered I would say.

              • I am not fat nor ugly nor bearded LOL says:

                Yes. You are a misogynistic POS. And what intelligent person repeatedly says, “anyways”? YOU are the hater here. Exactly WHY did you grace this country with your supreme presence? Oh- to buy up gas stations & convenience stores only to not stock the stores, shut down the bathrooms & never, ever clean any surface in said store. And then you blame the failure of your enterprise on “hate” when it is basic hygiene and failure of basic store-keeping 101. YOU have belittles yourself & shown the world how small you are while hiding behind your keyboard. You are pathetic & sad.

              • Pedro says:

                well well, little precious are we? how i wish you were in that temple. the world would be a better place.

              • Solomon's key says:

                No your not a bearded hipster, your a bearded goat fucker who worship a prophet who rapes little girls. I recognize the blabber you spit, I have heard it before, right before I put two into to the chest of a wanna be child molesting suicide bomber in the foothills of Afghanistan.

    • Kookkat says:

      That reply was so stupid I’ll bet you jacked off while you wrote it, didn’t you?

      “Unnnnnnnnn … I just referenced her cunt … hunnnnnnnnn … oh god she said she was a slut she might let me fuck her …… hunnnn hunnnn UUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNN oh god there’s a mirror I’m so fucking handsome with my oiled and hipster beard CUM CUM CUM CUM CUM CUM CUM CUM CUM … CUUUUUUUUUUM …”

      … sorry, that’s all I heard when reading your words…

    • Claire says:

      Didn’t even read that verbal diarrhea that splattered out onto your keyboard. Why? Because I knew by the first sentence my life and the world I live in would be a better place if I didn’t.

    • Kieran says:

      I wish I could see you in person so I could hold you down, shave off that facial hair you don’t deserve to have and kick you where your balls should be. You’ve never had sex, have you?

      • KafkaesqueSparrow says:

        Your mother(wife/sister) would disagree.

      • Kookkat says:

        BAHAHA! Best Comment Yet, as is proven by his lame “Uh uh um … Yer MOM!!!” quip back. I’m tingling in places I’m not sure I should tingle… You must have a beard. Or, if you’re a female, you must be the one who’s destined to turn me lesbian.
        Go Kieran! Woot!

        • KafkaesqueSparrow says:

          Your incoherent ramblings are consistent with the limited mental capabilities of a bimbo. What the fuck are you even saying? Better get back to your starbucks, and iphone while you shop around at the mall wearing your UGGS. I know this makes your little head hurt.

          And to the dudes she just invited to come pay a visit inside her crotch. Be warned. Shit’s deeper than a collapsed black hole. Your dick and balls might fall off and be forever lost inside.

    • Miss Chill Pill says:

      Why don’t you break the ‘hater’ cycle man? Sounds like you’ve had a few choice slurs thrown your way in the past. Rise above it. Anything’s possible.

      • Laura says:

        No kidding! I doubt his Sikh ancestors would be proud of his trolling. I do have to tip my hat to him though – he’s the first unlikeable Sikh I’ve ever come across. Or he hates Sikhs and is just a troll trying to stir up hate against them, Fred Phelps style. Actually yes, that makes more sense.

    • Steeevyo says:

      “but maybe I just imagined that since I haven’t actually read any of your stuff,”

      translates to

      “read every single blog post obsessively”

    • pruitigoe says:

      >>I’d like to start by letting you know that you’re a pretentious pseudointellectual who feigns intelligence<< says the douche with a kafka reference in their avatar name. Really, lighten up Francis.

    • lajik says:

      10:1 says KafkaesfagSparrow is a disgruntled ex of the op.

    • Falconhoof says:

      8 year olds, dude.

    • Fliggity says:

      Tl:dr, summing it up: I didn’t like what you wrote on your blog! I will use big words! But I will also use swear words so you know I am serious! I have been through stuff! I am better than you! You are bad!

    • yatalli says:

      Wow. You just redefined “prick” for me.

    • Steve says:

      “You’re a shit writer who knows it who won’t get anywhere with it. ” Hilarious. When insulting someone’s writing, it’s always best to make sure your insults are equally up to your own
      grammatical standards.

    • JV says:

      Baaaahahahaha. Dickhead much?
      Mate, I had a good laugh at one of your own quotes… “Must be hard to live with yourself”.
      Self-analysis is a wonderful thing, eh?

  154. pieterk515 says:

    Hilarious apology. I must be stupid because I don’t get what’s up with the huge controversy. All over a little facial hair?

  155. Mateo says:

    And let that be a lesson to you

  156. Jude S-R says:

    Omg I want to hug you and pet you and name you George because you are epic. I can’t even describe the adoration I have for your point of view. Hell yes to expressing your point of view, especially when doing so just seems to piss off everyone who ever hears it. Yay for pissing off people who need to keep their nose in their own damned business. ;)

  157. Erin H says:

    This makes me so happy in so many ways. Even if there are aspects that I don’t agree with (except that I agree with everything) I love how you can come out and call it like you see it. Popular opinion be damned. I think we could use more people like you. The ridiculous “don’t step on anyone’s toes or have opinions” society that has emerged as of late is getting ridiculous. You have a new follower. In a totally not creepy way.

  158. I agree with everything you said in your last post, except for the Glasses thing, I just like thick frames.

    as for this post, I thoroughly enjoyed the sarcasm. Which I was hoping for, but you took it to another level. good on you.

  159. Luke says:

    Please marry me and my beard

    Ps I don’t care what you look like as long as you stroke my beard

  160. the submariner your mom warned you about and your dad wishes he was says:

    To the angry girl with daddy issues who doesn’t know what she wants in a man that wrote the article (and subsequent poor excuse of an apology):

    Yes. I do have a beard. Yes. I do maintain it (sort-of). Yes. I do wear a $700 suit and a $100 tie to work. Yes I can explain, in detail, the difference between a macchiato and and americano. Yes. I can speak eloquently and intelligently about international politics and economics. Yes. I can tell the difference between a violin and a viola. Yes. I have been to art museums several times this year (and have a penchant for all things Renoir).

    I can also frame a house, rebuild an engine, write a computer program (or design a relational database), clean a fish, butcher a deer, start a fire without a lighter or matches, tile a bathroom, repair a roof, perfectly grill a steak, live for weeks in the wilderness and ride a bicycle a hundred miles in one day.

    My beard is not a fashion statement. My beard is not compensation for a lack of ‘manliness’. My beard exists because I like the way it feels. I like to run my fingers through it while I talk to you about the latest article I’ve read on the pursuit of a fusion reactor or a new beer recipe.

    Please, don’t assume to know anything about me. And don’t confuse me with commercial fisherman, anyone from the cast of Duck Dynasty, the hillbilly from West Virginia that your sister is dating, or that liberal arts socialist studying Keynes at Starbucks. It will be better for both of us.

    • Laura says:

      Wow, you can do a lot of things. Sad that “take a joke” ain’t one of them.

    • Dan A says:

      This would have been quicker if you had said, “I am Man… I can do everything” but I guess you were going for eloquence!

    • Slacker70 says:

      Dear Butthurt Douche-Tard,

      Chillax asshat! If all you claim is true then she wasn’t talking to /about you.

      • Kieran says:

        Nah, he’s a butthurt little boy, even if he can do all those things. She was DEFINITELY talking about him.

        Cut your beard off, nancy boy. You don’t have the balls to pull it off.

    • lushlife says:

      Well, he can wash out 44 pairs of socks and have ‘em hangin out on the line
      He can starch & iron 2 dozens shirts ‘fore you can count from 1 to 9
      He can scoop up a great big dipper full of lard from the drippins can
      Throw it in the skillet, go out & do his shopping, be back before it melts in the pan
      ‘Cause he’s a
      Bearded Man….

    • Fliggity says:

      Why do you have to make this all about you man?

  161. Alex Bromley says:

    Fantastic blog posts, both. You’ve got some new fans.

  162. Beard Oil says:

    […] should be regarded as such.  Apparently there was a huge backlash and she issued an equally funny Apology.  I personally didn’t take offense to these articles, but it got me thinking though – […]

  163. You are a great and entertaining writer! Though I was slightly offended by some of the things you wrote about, I was highly entertained by all of it. I can change a tire, and own a hammer…is that all it takes to be manly? My wife has more power tools than me (she’s also more handy), so I guess I might as well throw my dick in the trash as it has been rendered worthless. My weak attempt to imitate you…anyway…keep it up! I dig your writing…maybe I’ll start reading your blog or something

  164. A Damn says:

    You’re awesome…
    I’ll change your tyres any day, I have a beard AND own a hammer (and three different kinds of nail gun).

  165. I love both of your articles, don’t let the hatters get ya down. Honestly if you were to change anything about how you write, you would have lost one of your fans (although I am only one follower, I still hope that means something). From one fellow sassy writer to another, keep on sticking it to ‘the man’ (and his beard).

  166. […] It was so popular — both loved and hated — that she even published a follow-up, “I’m Sorry.” […]

  167. JG says:

    Pure Awesomeness -

    - bearded whatever

  168. BNick says:

    Non-ironic bearded man here. Post was awesome. F hipsters.

  169. I’m sorry people were mean to you about your very funny article…except that I’m not because this apology is even funnier than the article that caused it!

  170. Once again, hysterical. Love it

  171. hemmingplay says:

    Will you marry me? I mean, if I weren’t married and we knew each other. Or liked each other. You know, then?

    You had me at “vegan nancy boys”. :-)

  172. Derik says:

    I agreed with your beard article. I too am annoying by those stupid pin-striped beards, and beards that don’t have any functional purpose. I grow a beard every winter for warmth. I fish all year, and believe me, an untrimmed bushy beard helps quite a bit in single digit temps (and lower). This year, I think I will continue growing through the summer just because I have been recently inspired by Duck Dynasty.

  173. James says:

    I’m pretty sure you are a hipster, which means it is cool to talk about hipsters. Takes one to know one. I failed to read this article and the one before. It was very long, and not important enough to read. It was important enough to leave a comment… why? Because if not, I would not feel special, you know? I will be saving this, so when I am on the toilet I can read it.. Seems like a good plan… You should change the background color, it totally makes me unhappy; and my happiness is all that matters.

  174. Honestly, I don’t think I’ve ever read something as hilarious as this! I mean, of course, there must’ve been something out there, but the way you tackled your haters by going all “I AGREE, YOU WERE RIGHT” had me itching to click that button up there. Yes, that one. The one that says FOLLOW.
    (I promise I do NOT have stalker tendencies).

  175. Majdulin says:

    I was sitting in my creative writing class not even a few hours ago when my teacher decided to send us a link to your blog. Somehow I found my way over here.

    I’ve been reading your blog for a whole of two minutes and I’m already in love with you…

    Twice now I’ve found myself picking up my club of idiocy, reaching through the internet and gently tapping *read bludgeoning* several idiots on the nose.

    I’ve never followed a blog before but there is a first for everything…

  176. zumbalala says:

    Absolutely brilliant. Just completely brilliant. And I shaved my 9 year old beard at thanksgiving. At my girlfriends orders. Who ordered me to grow it in the first place. Really, no guy really cares about keeping his face warm, does he? Well, maybe not in THAT way. Loved reading both blogs. Thank you!!!

  177. lorien says:

    You are a genius and I love you. Anyone who was offended by anything you have written doesn’t have a sense of humor, isn’t able to stand in awe of the infinite multitudes of differing perspectives that give rise to all art, poetry, fun, and beauty that make being human worthwhile, and they’re probably just dumb. Therefore, fuck those pussies. And keep writing, because the world needs more people who are brilliant and articulate to just keep being themselves in the face of all this of ignorance, stupidity, and small-mindedness. Go get ‘em!

  178. […] It was so popular — both loved and hated — that she even published a follow-up, “I’m Sorry.” […]

  179. I am a gay manly bearded man. I have had a beard since I left the Army in 1985, won a bearded manly man contest in 95, used an allen wrench recently to repair a piece of furniture, have changed several tires, not to mention an alternator (twice),a starter, brake pads, signal lights and patched a radiator hose outside Yankee stadium using epoxy, paper towels, and sneaker laces from my trunk. I think your original post hit the nail right on the head. Some bearded hipsters may be cute (if they weigh over 200 lbs) but they are grown for the wrong reasons. I recall in college being told to shave my beard over and over by my friends and when I did just to show them one reason why I grew it, they chided me for having a deep voice with a baby face. One of their girl friends said they were just jealous, but I digress.

    My pet peeve is, if you ARE going to grow a beard at least let it be a fairly thick full one! I can’t stand the peach fuzz and patchy pubic growth that many hope pass for a beard. If you can’t grow it right, SHAVE it. I hope your article has inspired many to shave. And lets face it, some of them are pussies. Lets call em wussies and not piss off the rad fems. My partner is an honorary rad fem so I hear the lingo every day.

    • “Pussy” just sounds better than wussy. I don’t mind pissing off a few rad fems. I’m a bit of a dissident feminist myself.

      • Laura says:

        “Wussy” is a word used by those who are too much of a “pussy” to say “pussy”.

      • Kieran says:

        Stick with pussy. Rad fems are as bad as latte-sipping bearded hipsters.

      • KBK says:

        I got checked on that recently, which surprised me, so I thought about it.

        I realized that to me, at least, “pussy” is short for “pussy-whipped”, i.e. a guy whose wife is withholding sex to control him. It’s not a reflection on women, it’s a reflection on a non-manly guy.

        Sorry for coming in late!

  180. Laura says:

    I’m a bearded feminist lesbian hipster and I approve this blog. Beware of anyone who uses the word “hetero-normative” – they probably also think the song “Royals” is racist.

  181. OMG, so many things about this sum up EXACTLY why I left my study of anthropology! Let’s just say that I got really sick and tired of hearing people use 5 dollar words to waylay common sense and berate reality. I think higher education and highly specialized fields of study are systematically destroying our ability actually think through a problem (or obtain and use wisdom for that matter). The phrase “just smart enough to be stupid” comes to mind …

    • Lili says:

      Nicki! I just found your hipster beard post via Die Hipster, and two things happened: I peed a little from laughing so hard, and then I was seized with jealousy that I didn’t write it myself. But I will just have to settle for printing it on an illuminated manuscript and laminating it. Then I found this apology letter, and you are now my spirit animal.

  182. BigJ says:

    Ho. Ly. Shit.

    Fuck it, I don’t care if I’ve never followed a blog in my life before. If anything you write is even half as hilariously verbose in curses, I’ll be satisfied. If there wasn’t such an age gap I’d also date your ass so hard.

  183. Jessica says:

    I stumbled upon your Open Letter on my Newsfeed, and I’m glad that I did. It was the highlight of my morning.

  184. misty says:

    I have never agreed more with another woman ever ever ever until now. THANK YOU. And it sounds like you got attacked by tumblr LOL.

  185. lisarpetty says:

    If I were gay, and not already married to a man who shaves his hunting facemask, I would marry you in a state where that sort of thing was allowed. I LOVE this blog and the original, you writing God you. Please tell me that you will be at BlogHer or BlogU.
    I’m following you. I mean your blog. I’m not creepy.

  186. My scraggly beard and I salute you!

  187. H says:

    On behalf of those who’ve been left for a pedobearded-hipster-in-a-band by a ‘rock chick’, thank you for that.

    I almost miss the times when Jack Daniels made for cool T-shirts. I have now seen a pink one. On a brony. Who is only being ‘ironic’.

  188. Trevor says:

    Girl you are fantastic. If our paths ever cross me and my beard are buying the drinks. I cant promice to smell of engine oil because i spend my days fixing helicopters out in the cold so jet fuel is my cologne of choice. Dont change yourself a bit just because of the haters. Haters gotta hate. Lol.

  189. Steve says:

    I’m really glad I found this blog, as it’s not very often I find someone as opinionated as myself. Keep up the good work and I look forward to seeing more of your writing.

  190. Cinthya says:

    You are awesome. You’ve made crack up so much on that open letter. Don’t stop doing what you love and what you’re so great at.

  191. Taryn says:

    Never stop writing! Your word porn can still reach the unadulterated generations to come, there’s still hope. Fight the power! ✊

  192. curvyroads says:

    New follower here. Brilliant response to the haters…YOUR blog, YOUR opinions. Lucky for us that you have such an eloquent and hilarious way of sharing your opinions.

    • Thanks, girl! I know, right? How dare I talk about my opinions on my personal blog.

      • Sorrytodisagree says:

        So it’s okay to say whatever you like in a public space, as long as it’s your opinion. No matter how insulting, offensive, belittling and just out right petty and hateful way you say it? I’ll remember that….

        And it’s so brave and witty to act like a complete sacarastic ass, a moron that can’t make any valid points just petty insults and cry about “butthurt” people sharing their opinion.

        Not about the subject matter, its about what a bitter sad human being you are (but hey saying what you like is fine, it’s just people who don’t agree are sad or “haters” right).

        PS. you do realize how much you reinforce gender stereotypes and even use being feminine as an insult. Sounds less like you were attack by tumblr and more like you just have a glorified hypocritical tumblr hate blog and people called you out on spouting the typical moronic bullshit. 38 years old…isn’t it long past time you grew the hell up and stopped acting like spoilt child who got caught with their hand in the cookie jar and now cries about how “hard” and “persecuted” they are, what next you going to threaten to call childline? I’d wish you and people like you would vanish from the public eye but sadly there’s no shortage of “free thinkers” (idiotic hypocrites and sheep) to praise every piece of foul smelling gas that you release out of your mouth. Just because someone agrees with you on the internet doesn’t make you correct or a decent human being, theres plenty of examples out there to prove that and I shouldn’t even need to mention them, though I wouldn’t be surprised in your self-centered world you couldn’t think of them (you’ve already showing thinking is hard for you, poor thing).

        • Steven Ashton says:

          You sound like the sort of person who spent her Friday nights as a teenager at home with the cat because nobody wanted her at their parties.

        • Majdulin says:

          “I’d wish you and people like you would vanish from the public eye but sadly there’s no shortage of “free thinkers” (idiotic hypocrites and sheep) to praise every piece of foul smelling gas that you release out of your mouth.” (Sorrytodisagree)

          Do tell love… what are you doing exactly then?

        • Mike says:

          This was a pretty light hearted blog. Why so angry hmmm. I can’t tell if your a man or a women. Free thinking and intelligence is two things you clearly lack. What the fuck is caught in the cookie jar mean please expand. Were you a fat child only allowed two cookies a day and cried like a baby if not allowed three. My family member is far from hateful and has been through much more than you in life for that i am certain. Coming from someone with sociopathic tendencies ” I’d like to crush you like an insect but i don’t want to do the time.”

        • Slacker70 says:

          Cool story babe, now go make me a sandwich. . . .

        • Kieran says:

          Lift up your skirt and dry your eyes before your fucking tiara slips off. I love how your “PS” was more than half your comment, you snivelling little sook. Drop out of your gender studies degree and get yourself some aggressive hard dick. Sounds like you are SCREAMING for it.

      • Yep,it's,levi says:

        Hey nicki…i couldn’t figure out how to comment so I just replied to one of your comments…. Do NOT be sorry for writing what you wrote about bearded hipsters! That’s the way you feel…. So what if some PUSSY does not like it and got butt hurt? That’s what’s wrong with this country, everyone is worried about hurting someone else’s precious feelings…FUCK THAT!! Men need to be men women need to stop being whims and grow up and everyone needs to stop getting there feelings hurt over someone else’s opinions they typed on there own personal blog. Don’t like hearing about how hipsters with beards are pussies? A: don’t read the blog. B: start your own blog about how hipsters with beards are not pussies because they whine about blogs about them being pussies. C: who cares? That article made me find your blog and I like it, I have not really read many blogs ever, but I like yours. Your real and you don’t try to make anybody happy by what you say,you just be you. And for the record, I have “facial hair” and I own a hammer (actually 4, different ones for different hammering applications’) I can change a tire,and I have no effing clue what a macchiato or americano is…..

  193. Andrew says:

    You are in luck! Red is all I have to offer. I prefer it be shipped to Alaska. It enjoys long walks on a bear infested beach catching salmon. If I can remain attached to it, that would be alright too.

  194. Sasquatch says:

    You are seemingly channeling Portland’s very own Storm Large (who has a personal history not unlike your own). You should check her out, in particular her song “My Vagina Is Eight Miles Wide”. (

    Storm scares me a little, but I still want to club your husband Ryan and drag you out of hillbillyville to beautiful Oregon. Sadly, I’m old enough to be your father. Hey, wait ….

  195. Andrew says:

    Ma’am you can wear my beard as a merkin any day!

  196. You fucking rule. That is all.

  197. Well played. After your last article, I said… you know… you are right, and shaved my beard. Now I don’t look like everyone else out at the dive bars I go to order my $2 PBRs at.

  198. Jami says:

    While I’ve always tried to support those who I believe have the best of intentions for standing up for women (and men, for that matter), I really resonated with your thoughts, and I think this ‘edge’ is where learning occurs around this rather irritating topic of gender equality (and beard equality, of course!!!). Thank you for having guts to speak straight from your hilarious heart, you HUMAN BEING you!

    • I will stand up for anyone who is trying to be themselves. What gets my blood boiling is hypocrisy, smugness, and pedantic opining from people who haven’t even lived life yet.

      • Just a Guy says:

        You’re absolutely right. Only former drug-addicted felons have any life experience.

        How about this: As long as you and your fellow working class losers keep to yourself and continue serving me drinks, mowing my lawn, and servicing my car when it breaks down, you can have your silly online blog. I’m not incapable of doing these things, but I’m busy, and it’s much more convenient to pay some tattooed felon to do it for me.

        The reason you’re so popular is because you fill a void that has long needed to be filled. You give a voice to unintelligible morons. The blue-collar idiots have been desperately searching for someone who can form a proper sentence to represent them. Let’s hope you’re still around when their jobs are taken over by computerization.

  199. Bethany says:

    You go girl!! Love the sarcasm. Of course the pussy hipsters would get their panties in a wad. How dare you point out how generic they are. Hipsters are unique! Especially the ones with their beards!!! The fact that they took the time to respond to you just goes to show how insecure they are about themselves; probably clutching their French bulldogs and crying while listening to some cool, obscure band we’ve never had the priveledge of hearing. YOU GO GIRL!!!

  200. Isabella says:

    I was so fucking happy when I saw that this was a hilarious sarcastic post and not a legit apology.

  201. This is too funny. Good for you for addressing this craziness. :)

  202. aqilaqamar says:

    Uh, is the Bell Jar a sylvia plath reference because I noticed plath is a lot prevalent in the internet nowadays. As for your article I don’t really care. Guys can have beards or hair long or whatever. I find manliness word itself difficult to quantify because personally being able to cook from scratch is also manliness also fighting a competent girl with equivalent strength. I don’t know much about hipster culture but their clothes style appeals to me a bit I am coloured so I really don’t mind but yes if your article was satirical to begin with I don’t see why people were bashing on it so much. You like beards and men and you like a certain type of man and maybe you got annoyed that man isn’t around and put a comical spin in it; it wasn’t racist so I don’t get the hate or accolades. But for your writing style I do like that. Thanks :)

  203. Jonny kadnar says:

    Amazing article. Both the article itself and the apology. I’m an ex army guy, two tours in Afghanistan, where as an infantry soldier, required to shave quite often. Considering we were submersed in a culture of bearded men, length and fullness of a beard meant greater authority, you would think visiting soldiers would be allowed to have one. When I think beard I think special forces, every army guy’s hero… Another reason why we weren’t allowed to grow one… They tend to cause an increase in the LCF (look cool factor) and an increase in confidence, and deterring the afghan army from wanting to rape us, because of our smooth baby faces. I’m out now bit still can’t grow a beard because of a gas mask requirement… I do armed security at a nuke plant. You can just imagine how I feel about Beards and bow ties + lattes. You seem to be receiving comments from a lot of narrow minded folks that are expert book readers. I dare any of them to get out into the world for a few years then come back with the same opinions.

    I loved your article, keep em coming!

    • I fucking agree. It’s easy to spew ideals from your insulated, pampered college bubble but until you have lived life, gone through some real pain, maybe even hit bottom, you haven’t discovered yourself as a person. And until you have, your opinion means shit to me.

  204. Billybob says:

    This is absolutely fantastic, the sarcasm is palpable. I’m still crying from laughing so hard. Genuinely, thank you

  205. Holy shit, this is brilliant in multiple ways!

    I was led to your original post in a roundabout way (a soap-opera of a magnitude that’s both dismaying, but also cause for my personal relief for being a deliberate outsider). The only reason I no longer feel guilty for wasting time trying to get to the bottom of said soap opera, is that it led me to this particular post.

    I’ve read your jail piece and the beard one, but this one here, has won me over.

  206. Gavin says:

    You my dear are fucken amazing. Keep up the good work.


    True bearded mountain man

  207. Rory says:

    Hahaaaaa!! Absolutely brilliant!!! Love it :)

  208. Emily says:

    Just the other day I had mentioned to my friend the folly of male bashing (excluding bearded hipster bashing of COURSE) and she went on a tangent and told me men are nothing more than whiny bastards who deserve it because of the… say it with me… patriarchal hierarchy. To a point, she’s right–white privileged bearded hipsters ARE incredibly annoying and confusing to look at. But she would’ve been one of the militants to come on here and tell you Miss Nicki (saying your name like that makes you sound a little dominatrix-y, if it was Mistress well it’d be all over) that you were being, what was that word boys and girls? Heteronormative! In your blog about bearded men being BEARDED MEN, which, just for the record–I completely agree with you on. I get it. I mean… I get it. Mm. She also did not go to college. I happen to know for a fact she never would’ve stumbled on such lofty words and ideas if she hadn’t spoken to someone who spent their time in the Gender Studies trenches–and then regurgitated everything they had to say.

    So you see you can’t learn the kind of common sense that you have, in college. It’s impossible. In fact I’d go as far as to say a collegiate degree runs the risk of watering that down. Though some are lucky enough to make it out mostly in tact. I do have a degree, in Creative Writing which–I had to sit through A LOT… a lot of what you were thrown in your other blog and without fail I wanted to bash my head into a desk everyday. The English department is RIFE with that kind of stuff. Thankfully I was able to focus more on my own personal writing instead of being fueled with the desire to tell someone on her personal blog that she’s ridiculous because when she looks at a beard, she sees a man powerful enough to be able to pin her to a wall and do it all the way through without dropping her–and at the same time throw a fist in someone’s face whose being a damn fool. Mm.

    P.S. …A little bit of fist fighting among manly men hurts no woman watching. ;)

  209. gramdragon says:

    Your apology was even funnier than the posting. Blog on, Lady!

  210. “There goes my hero….”

  211. It’s really reverse-reverse sexism that you gotta watch out for.

    Come on over to HCwDB and be objectified for your intellect. “Hey guys, my boobs are down HERE.”

  212. Chowderhead says:

    Hi there, Nicki. I think you might be my sister or something. This apology letter was fucking funny. I want to drink beer with you and people watch. And then drink more beer with you and people watch some more.

    But seriously, I admire your balls. Erm, wait, something like that. Not like, ‘testicles’ kinda balls, but you know…

    Keep writing whatever the fuck you need to write, and I’ll thumbs up it all day long.

    I thought about writing a public apology for name-calling vaginas. Dammit. Shoulda did it…

    Rock on.

    • Bwahaha vagina knitting! That’s so EMPOWERING.

      I like beer. I like people watching. Probably why I’m a bartender.

      I actually found your blog a while back. I stumbled on your “great bands of the 90′s” post. I left a comment about how Pearl Jam means semen. I’ve been following you ever since. Missed this Twat Twiner though, thanks for catching me up.

  213. Melissa says:

    Love your work!! Cheers for brightening my day!! :)

  214. darksock says:

    beard hipsters need to be dealt with in a manner involving a catheter, Mrs. Buttersworth pancake syrup and a catheter. Son.

  215. Philip the Hermit says:

    My GOD, I like your blog. You, ma’am, are awesome. I don’t have a beard, but I do own four or five hammers (what? I need ‘em! I’ve got my Dad’s old claw hammer, the heavy duty claw hammer I bought, the wee little claw hammer I got for opening a bank account, my Dad’s old ball-peen hammer — great for working metal — and my trusty five pound sledgehammer. I used to have a neat little hand-held five pound sledge too, but I can’t find it anywhere).

    When people write you to tell you how butt-hurt they are about the things you say, I think you should take it as a huge compliment. The truth hurts! It hurts butts! Ergo, butt-hurtery. So they are confirming your veracity.

    Anyway, you’re pretty awesome. Just wanted to mention that.

  216. Robert says:

    Holy hell woman.. that was amazing… keep up the writing. Fuck all the rest. I laughed so hard during a military brief that I had to explain why I was laughing and let senior leaders read your story…

    • Evelyn says:

      You are awesome. I laughed really hard and shared your post with all my friends. XOXO and I think Im a feminist btw. and i love beards. Ill even take a hipster guy with a beard. Something about those beard hair phermones. and I have personally enjoyed some very soft conditioned beard hair! Don’t stop now!!!!

    • I don’t know how I just saw this comment, but I have to say the fact that I disrupted a military briefing really makes my day.

  217. Kylie says:


  218. Maggie O'C says:

    Best apology to best beard post EVER.

  219. Shane Gray says:

    I loved your initial post, and I love this. Here is my contribution to hipster bashing. I hope you enjoy it.

  220. jones says:

    now that you know that “reverse sexism” DOESN’T EXIST. maybe you can convince you’re new friends that “reverse racism” also DOESN’T EXIST. thanks…appreciate – sincerely (if you do it).

    • I think the concept of reverse racism is pretty retarded. I’ll be happy to tell my new friends, but they aren’t very good listeners.

      • boozedealer says:

        Damn, so now you’re equating reverse racism with intellectual disability? This blog is the gift that keeps on giving.

        • Shane Gray says:

          There is no reverse racism. A black person might discriminate against a white person instead of the other way around, does not reverse the actual concept. It’s still just racism. The act of treating someone differently based on their skin color, creed, or race. Even if you change the abuser vs abused equation by flipping it…IT’S STILL JUST RACISM. Sexism is the same. It doesn’t matter whether it’s misogyny, or misandry, it remains sexism. Misandry is not reverse sexism, because gender discrimination is just plain old sexism whether it’s male on female or female on male. These are not reversible concepts. The only way to reverse sexism is to not be sexist. The only way to reverse racism is to be racially tolerant.

  221. Mal Content says:

    Writing a funny post about beards makes you smart. Taking the collective outrage about your funny post and using it to write an even funnier post makes you a GENIUS.

    At this point I’m worried you might create some kind of “comedy feedback loop” and crush all known life in a humor singularity.

  222. So glad I came over here . . . you are hilarious, NIcki! If I ever have a negative backlash (and I’m sure it’s coming) I hope I can handle it with such fabulous and biting sarcastic commentaryu. “Even if they will keep your balls in a bell jar.” – hahaha!

  223. Jason Burak says:

    Are you for real? Our systems are down at work, so I’m almost belly laughing while wasting time. Nice work, Nicki!

    From a ‘Real Bearded Man’

    PS, I went hunting this fall, ice fishing last weekend, and just replaced the thermostat in my car. Am I turning you on?

    Well thanks for the humor

  224. I think I may have a girl crush on you. I personally think feminazis and Hipster men should be outlawed, or at least maimed, but apparently that opinion makes me a brainwashed victim of patriarchal rape culture.

  225. Dahn Bryan says:

    Nikki Daniels…you just turned me gay.

  226. Spike says:

    I guess that if I suggest this is self pity hidden behind unclever sarcasm that makes me (yawn) “butthurt”?
    It’s just such a shame that you wrote this. Your other stuff is funny, it’s great!

    This is far from either.

  227. Kim says:

    Go Nicki, go! I only just stumbled on this – I was cheering and fist pumping and foot stamping for joy – I too suffer the bearded man confusion. I’ve often wondered if I’m the last woman alive who still appreciates a manly man and attempts to spot them at 100 paces by their distinctive pelt. If I were more loquacious, I would write an open letter to all men asking that they not wax all man body hair out of existence – sorry, I don’t want to cuddle up to a 12 year old. More importantly I feel sorry for all the poor little mites out there who lack any personal insight regarding how their very very small and privileged little world view completely undermines their ability to really think critically, logically, sympathetically or with anything remotely resembling humour and tolerance. Ugh. Keep writing, this made my (and my husband’s) day.

  228. Supertrucker says:

    What’s a blog?

  229. The Hook says:

    If you dare to soften your edges I will personally start a Kickstarter fund to raise the cash to hire someone to kick you in the lady parts – three times.

    Here’s what you’re going to do Nicki Daniels:
    1) You’re going to continue to shatter my personal records for views, likes, reblogs and generally mind-blowing posts.
    2) You’re going to continue to be so awesome it causes me pain in the cockles of my heart, even though I’m pretty sure my cockles can’t take much more agony.
    3) You’re going to forge a writing career that puts mine to shame – and then you’re going to allow me to sponge off your good fortune. (I’ll be the platonic boyfriend you always wanted.)

    That is all.
    You may go now.

  230. Lynn says:

    OMG! I love this blog and your writing. I was one of the ones that re-posted your blog to my FB and read it multiple times and talked about it at lunch with others and even talked about it at happy hour to a breaded man. I even thought of it a giggled when I was alone. Your follow up is equally as brilliant!

  231. Jim says:

    Oh shit, you are my favorite woman.

  232. Michelle says:

    You are hilarious, and even your non apology is hilarious. I would like to listen to you non-apologetically bitch slap the world for about another 10,000 words. Well done.

  233. beefcakes says:

    Hilarious read! I actually thought your apology letter was more humorous than the original post. Loved the self deprecating and mocking tones. Will definitely be reading more of your work.

  234. You are awesome Nicki. Don’t let those feminists and beard haters get you down. :) You know what you’re attracted to, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. Go you!

  235. All hail Nicki, queen of the butthurt! Much enjoyment was had reading this and your other posts, thank you for your effort and taking the time to amuse us less sensitive souls.
    P.S.I would not object to cat gifs.

  236. C.J. says:

    I would like to bear your children now please. That is, If there was a way for one female to fertilize another.
    You’re my hero.

  237. Josh says:

    I’m wondering how many of the so-called “feminists” you seem to be responding to are attending Mills College? These complaints and the lingo accompanying them sounds very Millsian. Big ups to you, Nicki.

  238. Michael says:

    I laughed so hard I cried, but ya know, in a manly sort of way. If you are in the Bay Area, my fiance and I will treat you to a beer.

  239. donelle robertson says:

    I really liked and agree with everything you said. You are very funny too. Thanks for writing:), I am now a fan too.

  240. kldm says:

    I am now a fan. Awesome writing.

  241. Alex Cord says:

    Dear Nicki. Everything you say is wonderful. Please marry me. Or at least be my distant acquaintance. Thanks.

  242. YEEEESSS!!! awesome! Bring on the Cat Gifs!! :)

    ps a double :( :( to you for even suggesting a man should shave off his beard… ‘Why?’ I heard you ask (though u actually probably wont ;) well here is just ONE of the reasons why you shouldnt! And an important reason why Beards are so important to society in which you live…

    Enjoy ;)
    pps, keep up the blogging and why not kick start your newish year by sending ur bearded friends some beard grooming products – or a card acknowledging their awesome facial hair.


  243. androoski says:

    You rule the internet! 😊

  244. arithon says:

    This has got to be one of the damned funniest things I’ve read in a long time. Thank you.

  245. Allbeef Patty says:

    I didn’t read all of the comments, so I apologize if someone already pointed this out, but “pussy” is slang for “pusillanimous.” You didn’t strengthen the patriarchy at all.

  246. jkhughes2 says:

    Fuck ‘em, Nicki. Figuratively. Or literally. Whatever. I follow your blog and reading it makes my day so much better. I work with a couple bearded hipsters and I often cringe when they walk past my desk. Or I sometimes I hide in the bathroom where I can laugh like a hyena in private. Because I’m a fucking lady.

  247. Andy P says:

    I love you

  248. Will says:

    I see you’re very fond of the word “perpetuate”.

  249. Team Hazel says:

    Seriously, all I want to do is sleep with ZZ Top. Oh, and the guy from Alabama with the deep voice “Ba oom ba Ba oom ba Ba oom bap Mowmow”
    Stay Nicki Daniels, because we love you for it.

    • Team Hazel says:

      Okay, I was distracted by the song playing in my head. I believe it is Elvira by the Oak Ridge Boys. Whoops. Sorry! In fact after watching the 1981 youtube video, I was shocked to see that the only guy on the band that is NOT sporting facial hair is the guy with the amazing voice. I am now covering my head in shame, humming the song on repeat. *hugs*

  250. Laura says:

    Dear Nicki
    Do not lose all hope. Real beards on real men still exist, its just harder to find them in the sea of faux-facial-hair. You just have to search in the right places. Cafes and city sidewalks are not the right places. But trust me, its a thingk worth searching for.

    Laura (a feminist shepherd who studied gender studies at a liberal arts college and whose bearded husband is great with a hammer, almost as good as she is with a bandsaw)

    p.s. your post has inspired us. We are thinking of setting up an instagram account just to post pictures of him in his knit beanie (the one I knit out of the yarn I spun from our sheep) chewing on some hay from our pasture

  251. I wondered how you’d come back from all the furore – didn’t expect such a brilliant put down!

  252. mollytopia says:

    OMG this is FABULOUS. Congratulations on getting 500k pairs of panties across the globe in a complete wad hahaha – I love it. Keep it up lady. People can fuck all the way off if they don’t like YOUR opinion on YOUR OWN personal blog. Buh lieve it.

    • In all seriousness, the only ones that stung were from other bloggers. You would think they would be more respectful of my rights. Oh well, whatcha gonna do?

      • mollytopia says:

        Yeah I can see that – it’s surprising. It’s supposed to be a community, eh? Oh well. I clearly need to step it up. I haven’t gotten any gate mail or been any names yet. I’m doing it WRONG hahaha!

  253. jess says:

    Best apology ever.

  254. smwasserman says:

    Probably one of the most funny and insightful blogs I’ve read in a long time. Screw the haters. What’s that “ironic” saying? Opinions are like assholes. Everyone has one. I tried a goatee in December. Grows in thick but I hated it for many of the reasons you named. No, I’m not a hipster. I’m 46, shaved bald, in good shape, yada yada yada.

    The fact is I grew it cause I wanted a new look. I felt like I looked like a lumberjack in Lucky jeans with my fashion forward progressive lenses. I can change a tire but I’m no lumberjack. Nor do I want to be. Off it came.

    Keep writing, god bless, and my knit hat? Only to keep my head warm in the winter. Shaved head, remember?

    No cat GIF’s please. :)

  255. Ris says:

    I heart you so hard. I have no idea who you are and had never heard of your blog until a good friend read your “Open Letter…” aloud to me on the coldest day of the year. This was after receiving some grave family news, so I was in a pretty sad state, and yet I laughed until I nearly peed– and I have pretty strong pelvic floor muscles so you must be damn funny. Since Monday, I have prayed daily that the universe hurry up with your imminent book deal, feature-length film, and HBO series.

  256. Elyse says:

    That sound you hear is me face-palming.

    People are idiots. They have no senses of humor. No brains. Except you. Oh, and me. And the other people who don’t take themselves too seriously.

    I’m looking forward to the GIFs of kitties. I follow way too many blogs.

  257. Rick Vilchis says:

    I loved your article about beards and I can’t believe so many people took offense to it. I think your opinion was spot on and those who were offended were probably the ones that passed your test. I have a beard and I’m glad to say that I did not pass your test, I own a hammer, I’ve work hard labor jobs since I was seventeen and I’ve been know to get into a bar scuffle from time to time. I think the people who got offended saw themselves in your article and felt their penis go limp. Don’t back down to these wimps, they’re just mad that your balls are bigger than theirs. Once again, thank you for the great article.

  258. Joshua Chapman says:

    The last post was hilarious, this one made me subscribe.

  259. Michael Durham and don't you forget it says:

    Don’t you understand? Your blog did “kick the paralyzed and slap the retarded.” Oh please please please please write a blog about those oh so manly men who wear fucking capri pants or roll their pants up around their calves and wear them with slip on sneakers before this gay man starts punching each and every one of their feminized asses in their bearded faces.

    • You are such a homophobe! Oh wait, you’re gay, and also manly? How dare you perpetuate gender stereotypes with your awesome manly gayness. Ha! Clearly people have never heard of the “bear” community.

  260. Danny says:

    I would wife you SO hard. TWICE. That’s right. I’d wife you, divorce you, and then wife you again for emphasis!!!!!

  261. Christian says:

    .You are an awesome human! Thanks for filling my Saturday morning with hilarity!

  262. Aurora says:

    I am one of a dozen people I know who loved, and shared, the beard blog. Then I went and read all your previous blogs and I never do that because people are boring and I have a short attention span. Love your style, girl. Keep it up!

  263. NM says:

    My cousin has hands calloused from a lifetime of working on trucks, motorcycles, cars, boats and wood. I work in a chemistry lab and have never had much interest in such endeavours. Neither of us would hit even one of your “shave it” criteria, but he cannot grow a beard and I can (and thus do). Which would be your preference?

  264. Thomas says:

    You crush on a guy with a beard thinking he is going to be rugged, only to find out he is a namby pamby. No biggie. You’re allowed to be not interested in said bearded bomber. However he might get a little more butt hurt about it, so let him down easy. And no hating, just keep rolling with your bearded wheres waldo search. Who cares what the masses think(they do, and their opinion is rubbish). This all reminds me of a music video from the great and all knowing Sir Mixalot. “I like big butts, and I cannot lie.” Though I think there were a few lies in there. “My anaconda don’t want none unless you’ve got buns, hun.”… Whatever, opportunities are opportunities. And we are all opportunist. Not to say we don’t pass things up. But not when the getting is good. But when I think about a girl with a big butt I imagine she can dance, and cook, dress provokatively, and make for some sweet sweet luvin. Not always the case. But I shall not “hate on” those that don’t meet my standards. Cause they deserve to be loved as much as I do. And just cause it’s not by me doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with them. Or me for that matter.
    So speak your mind, to hell with the offended. They are more worried about being wrong than you should be. I comment only because i am farmer of face fur in the winter. Keeps me warm when I am out in the cold. And I do hope to run into some of the beard hunting women(however I kinda think there is a double standard in there somewhere). But keep beard chasing real at least in the winter, and i may one day grace you(or some other lovely beard craving dame) with the presence of my man mane.

    Also on a side note. Feminists are women who speak and envision an equal rights and respect relationship between men and women. The women that go out ball breaking and man bashing are just as skeevy as their womanizing counter parts. Not that either is bad. Just funny to watch from the fence.

  265. Henry Marks says:

    I don’t see this as hipster bashing at all. Beards should only grow upon completion of really manly things. As we now know, that isn’t the case at all and a huge flaw in the development of the human species. This made me laugh someone else’s balls off. Thanks, you’re the tits – the highest compliment I can think of.

  266. Melissa says:

    Ummm, can we be best friends, and go to somewhere and drink fancy scotch and make fun of hipsters and cruise manly dudes with beards together?

  267. Jason says:

    You are amazing. Don’t change a damn bit ;-)

  268. Dean says:

    You are spot on and you write very well. I’m Jealous. THanks for the excellent posts.

  269. creaky bones says:

    “An Open Letter to Bearded Hipsters” was my introduction to your blog and the reason I now follow it (that sounds creepier than it should…). I’m not brilliant, but I kinda thought you were aiming for humor with that post. Was I wrong to think it was funny? I wish I was smarter and more enlightened like the people who were offended by it. Next time I write something funny on my blog, I guess I’ll have to use the “sarcasm font” setting.
    Still following. Still laughing.

  270. You brave girl you. Taking on the feminist. Fabulous retort Nicki. Just marvelous.

  271. whammylancer says:

    I got a beard. How you doing? What are you doing later?

  272. jaklumen says:

    So much win. I was pleased to be a part of it. And thank you for replying to what I had to say.

    As a woman, I tend to shave and pluck my unwanted hairs

    I have a wife and a mother-in-law that often… don’t. My beloved mother-in-law especially doesn’t pluck the “goat” hairs on her chin anymore. My wife does not shave legs or underarms (unless I ask, and sometimes, I get to do it.) At the end of the day, I don’t mind. They love me and I love them right back.

  273. My Muted Voice says:

    It’s so great that people had nothing else better to take a stand on than a humorous post about beards. This follow-up rocked!

  274. Jamie Borden says:

    Now I feel bad for shaving my quarter inch facepubes yesterday..Not from reading my very first blog that didn’t involve College Football (that I know of)…Not because now living in PHX makes them almost unnecessary..Not because it was bath night..OK..Shower….But because It seems to be coming out totally white now days and I’m tired of the little kids pointing..(My 12 year old said they must think I’m Santa..Which now I wonder was some sort of fat joke?)..

    Nick lass…Now do one about tattoos..It’s almost impossible to see a semi hot woman totally nekid without the cloak of those ugly things..

  275. DeeDee says:

    I didn’t even read that post, much less the responses, but all I can say just now is “Fuck yeah, keep slathering on the awesomesauce!”

    It’s your blog; do it your way.

  276. sarcasmica says:

    Kuddos for your restraint on the sarcasm.
    Good luck being the only concience of the free world… no wait, the naive and malleable world… no, i mean the unenlightened and lemmings world. We must look to you for all things appropriate and informative.
    In other news; people need to get a life and move right along.

  277. […] of a few people I know who fit the bill, but won’t get it.  I laughed uproariously at Nicki’s tongue in cheek apology, I even snarfled.  I’ve sought divine intervention, instant inspiration and well, I’ll […]

  278. E says:

    Fuck em! Thank you for keeping it real girl for us bearded “real” men. I think the angry feminist ladies are just pissed they can’t grow killer beards.

  279. Grizzly Adams says:

    After reading both of these I have three things to say.
    1. You’re my Hero
    2. The nancy boys do need to shave.
    3. It reminds me of when my son was little and used to stomp around in my work boots. It was cute the first time but gets old fast.

  280. Marcus says:

    I really hope you’re not ugly like Peaches, she’s the last crush I developed though her words. and it crushed me when I saw what she looked like. I have a beard, smell of deisel ( the fuel not the perfume ), and I grew it to keep warm on my boat, while I fix it with tools I know how to use. You were bang on in your last rant and even more so in this, and whoever you are apologising to can fuck off. I’m sick of actually having to turn the light on to get dressed, in case I inadvertently come up with something that might be deemed a look, or worse ironic. Keep doing what you’re doing.

  281. Lisa says:

    What a bunch of tards. You are perfectly within you right to write whatever the hell you want on your blog. If these asshats don’t like it, stop reading! You are hilarious and I loved your post. It was my first one and now I subscribe! Heavily bearded guys don’t do it for me but I am on board with the hipster beard. It’s got to go! And FYI hipsters: PBR sucks.

  282. Robert Baker says:

    I want to grow a beard but I do not because it comes in white as Casper. Grow the nails out freakishly long and I look like Howard Hughes.

  283. Betty Friedan's Decomposed Vagina says:

    You may very well bring it back to life…

  284. Unkie Fezter says:

    Thank you. I haven’t read an ‘apology’ that good since the old National Lampoon magazine was forced to apologize to Liza Minnelli in the magazine. I actually spotted, and wanted a cigarette after reading this. And I don’t even smoke.
    That said- Look for lotsa objections and complaints from ‘Retards’. NOT genuine Special Needs folks mind you, but actual retards.

  285. BeardlessInToronto says:

    Best…rant…ever! I’m growing a ball beard just for you. (Simply because I can.) Not sure what the PC term is for one of those. Gender Equality 101 students, please feel free to enlighten me.

  286. I love you even more now than I did after the beard post.

  287. jgawne55 says:

    Dear Nicki,

    I enjoyed this post almost as much as I enjoyed your last one. Please don’t stop. The world needs people like you!


    A hetero-normative, sterotypical unbearded white man over the agr of 50.

  288. itsumm says:

    I love the bearded letter and even more so the apology that followed. I must thank you for adding years to my life because I couldn’t stop laughing when I read both. To those that took offense to your bearded letter all I can say is relax stop being a Bic.

    Keep the lines coming!

  289. Tam says:

    Not sure which one I love the most… Brilliant!

  290. Gargamel says:

    Your “Open Letter” post resonated with people of all different types. It’s often hard to follow-up on an article of that magnitude, but you did! This article is like a Marshall stack with a knob that goes to “11″. This article is guaranteed to make more hipster douchnozzles cry. I would raise a glass to you, but I’m messing with that kush tonight, so I’ll blaze in your honor! Rock on! \m/

  291. I loved you for the beard rant. I love you even more for this.

  292. Sean thompson says:

    You are amazing. You are hilarious. You are absolutely correct.
    I live in Calgary Alberta, Canada. The capital of Canadian hipster.
    I have a beard, love plaid flannel shirts, and roll my jeans up. Although, the beard came from my metal head upbringing/warmth for my outdoor construction job. The flannel due to growing up in -40 Saskatchewan winters, and the cuff in my jeans due to my height.
    I have no idea what seperates one $7 coffee from another, I own many hammers, and have definitely changed a few tires in my day.
    The biggest insult I ever receive from my so-called friends, is being called a hipster. If I wear a touque, it’s because it’s cold, and it covers my entire head… Not just clinging to the back of my skull with a healthy droop.
    Keep up the good work darlin’, and don’t worry what the feminazis call you. They’re just angry due to the lack of penis in their life :)

  293. Ms.rose says:

    Well said!!! Love your blog.

  294. If you could throw in a couple GIFs of dancing dogs I’d really appreciate it. If they are too offensive though for the general public I understand.

  295. REDdog says:

    Holy snappin’ duck shit! (Note To Self: never, EVER piss Nicki Daniels off) You are a kick arse writer/comedian and should have your own World Wide Web. I bet some of your detractors are the same mob who tell me I wear a beard because I’ve got something to hide…Love your shit. Respect REDdog

  296. List of X says:

    I rarely compliment posts in the comments, and just use the Like button for that, but for this post a Like just doesn’t express how perfectly awesome this post is.
    P.S. No need to worry about hipsters hating you. They’ll only hate you ironically.

  297. Harmony says:

    Hehe :)

  298. Mary EmDee says:

    I balls out LOVE your face. The end

  299. As a smooth faced man with a garage full of tools and the ability to build just about any damn thing I want, I applaud your (and my own) disdain for the bearded nanny. Work makes me live this life sans glorious bearded glory, but my bearded soul dies a little bit each time I see the sacred tradition of men soiled by Venti soy latte underworked hipsters. You have just gained a loyal follower of your well-versed wit and general life observations. Cheers!

  300. "HE WHO" says:

    Love your writing, Nicki! You have another (albeit bearded) follower.

  301. Nicki D > feminists, bearded manginas, general pussies, pretentious academics, and pretty much everyone, ever.

    BTW I think you should come to the Annual Mainstay Employee Blackout on Monday. Jussyain.

  302. Bwahahaha! This time I’m NOT checking “notify me of follow-up comments” though! Carry on!

  303. T. Dawn says:

    If I’m being honest, when I saw your name next to the words “I’m sorry”, I was kind of sad and disappointed. And then I read your words. You managed to completely cut through the bull shit with ALOT of intelligent humor. Good for you. The backlash you received was ridiculous. Blog on Momma.

  304. Twindaddy says:

    Wow. I didn’t necessarily agree with everything in your post, but I also knew it was mostly sarcasm and humor. Some people take things way too seriously. But, hey, look at you crashing the blogging party!

  305. Geoff Martin says:

    What an awesome response! I believe this post should be used as a template for the rest of the internet for all of the future. Let our wonderful world become flooded with nothing but apologizing to trolls. Thankfully we have billy goats gruff like you!
    (Sincere apology in advance.)
    ~ A new fan

  306. I don’t know which is better, the actual post or the tags for the post. Both are brilliant. I am humbled by your ability to write the way you do. I’m not sure I can handle, “Funtime Happy Place” but if you are writing it I will certainly try.

  307. April says:

    Oh god is this funny (and the original blog entry even more so). And coming from someone who was called a “troll” because I dared to comment on a toy toolbox on Amazon and suggest they market it to “kids” rather than just “boys” and am therefore, apparently, a “raging feminist who hates manly men”, I appreciate your handling of people who take things WAY TOO SERIOUSLY – that is, to crush them with your intellect and good humor. Kudos!!

  308. Harmony says:

    Thank you Nicki. That’s gold!! Love it. I am a fan of the hipster look, but with a ‘tradey’ type for a husband I totally get your point. Plus the total sarcasm is right down my ally! Hahahaa thank you ;)

  309. Haji says:

    OMG! Hilarious as always! You are my hero!

  310. Carrie says:

    This is only the second post I have read and I think you are brilliant!

  311. Mike Zellers says:

    you didn’t apologize for the one thing you oughta… my email getting blown up with comment notifications. perhaps not entirely your fault, but still….

  312. Calamity Rae says:

    And I really can’t help but think that you should have named this “oops, I did it again”.

    If I weren’t married to such a manly man with a beard, I’d just might have to ask you out.

  313. LM says:

    It is bone-crushingly sad that your perfectly articulated sarcasm will be lost on the ones who need it most. I believe I am going to enjoy following your blog, even if I’m not the biggest fan of dancing cats.

  314. JohnInTenn says:

    Ok, this is just insanely beautiful writing. Seriously, pulling everything from Freud to Sylvia Plath (and just picturing hipsters hitting on feminist “chicks”) into a smart-ass smackdown is brilliant. Must. Read. More. Nicki.

  315. Best. Tags. EVER. It’s a pity you couldn’t have charged everyone a buck or two to read that post. I’ll bet that would have solved a lot of problems, although it looked like the post created a few.

    My sister is a Gender Studies “professor” at a University. I keep telling her that unless she’s got a waiting room full of patients, she’s not a doctor. Thanksgiving dinners are a BLAST. This past one, she took me to the woodshed twice for using “retard” in a humorous manner in front of my daughters. Wong message, apparently. I should invite you next year. KY to OH is not that far.

    Sorry, but you just don’t seem contrite enough. I predict a new shit storm. And to think you JUST STARTED blogging! I believe I am addressing a future Senator. And not a State Senator. The real thing. 1/50.

  316. Nicki, I’ve just started following your blog and it just rocks. Everyone is entitled to their opinion and you weren’t out for blood with your article (clearly they aren’t familiar with your blogging style) so shame on the critics for their misplaced aggression. Keep the posts coming!

    • I think everyone is entitled to their opinion. It’s just funny that they were sharing their opinions about the fact that I shouldn’t have an opinion. After my migraine went away, I laughed and laughed.

  317. Glorious Results of a Misspent Youth says:

    Love that you are a funny and daring blogger and sorry that the whole crappy PC world is too sensitive to see that. On the other hand, kudos on all the publicity…you know what they say, it’s all good.

  318. John Wagner says:

    I just fell a little deeper in love with you. Nice work Sister!

  319. Lucy Lulu says:

    Just priceless…LOVE your humor.

  320. Calamity Rae says:

    hahahahaa. Ohhh, what to quote? Except I’d quote the ENTIRE thing. In fact, maybe I’ll just “reblog” it as a feature to my own my blog, open up a public forum regarding this post, and then direct my blog audience (However, I realize, I’m no “god” and will only reach the 20 people who follow me) as a way to embrace your humor and your writing endeavors – because Nicki Daniel’s, you really are fucking funny.

    P.S. Just don’t piss off my following (or as I like to refer to them, “the harem,”) or else I might have to tie you to a pole, in a public square, and offer up a few lashings!

    And by the way. I fucking love BelL Jars. Have I ever told you that I own a rare, mint condition copy of the FIRST US Edition by Plath? That makes me way fucking cool. I would say though, that trying to *emulate* Plath is “so 1986″.

  321. Angelle says:

    Also yours and Aussa’s blogs kick my ass every day to be a better and more interesting writer. So thank you :)

  322. I am so totally in non sexual love with you girl!!!


    I hope nobody recognizes you when you use that library card for the first time. You should probably wear a disguise – maybe a beard, and a hat that says: “I have a freakishly strong vagina”.

  324. Phil Taylor says:

    Congrats on all the views and on stirring up a good hornets nest. It’s not a good blog if you don’t make somebody mad now and then. Love your humor. Keep it up. Maybe even write a book!

  325. Meredith says:

    Nicki, you are my fucking hero. If I didn’t love rugged guys with beards so much I’d probably want to marry you. In my opinion you are everything BUT sorry. You are a goddess.

  326. Scootpunker says:

    Brilliant. I love hipsters, they bring all the awesome coffee shops, restaurants and boozeries I need to stay fresh and young feeling. I also enjoy my manly beard, and knowing how to use a saw, and a nail gun and how to cook a roast. My wife loves my beard, and we love our hipster friends. Im sorry you’re feeling sorry though, really the word “pussy” is pretty damn funny. But not as funny as “dicksmack” but I digress. I chose to follow your awesome blog BECAUSE of your hilarious look at the magically sloppy yet expensively coiffed hipster beard. Please please don’t apologize and lose your edge! Oh wait.. you didn’t. — Nice work Miss Nicki of the powerful lady parts, Nice fucking work.

  327. Jana says:

    I just discovered your blog and I’m hooked!! Don’t change a thing!! (This was even funnier than the beard letter!! Well played!!!)

  328. suzie81 says:

    This, along with every other post, is just awesome… Thanks for making me laugh!

  329. Tears and belly laughs over here. We all need to take ourselves a bit less seriously… I caught your humor. ;-)

  330. ‘Bout time you got a hold of yourself. Think of all the miniature hipster whiskers you could have saved from drowning in all those tears.

  331. rynolexson says:

    Well if it means anything, I got a kick out of that post and will forever be a fan.

    And on a positive note, your rant on bearded hipsters caused mass hysteria…that is fucking cool. I mean who knew people were so sensitive about beards?! I thought hairs were just the leftovers of dead skin cells?

    Anyways, I think the only appropriate post to do after this one is an open letter to bald men. Just sayin’

    • I wouldn’t pick on bald guys because they have no control over being bald and this can be a cause of deep shame for them. Hipster douches, on the other hand, can pick up a razor at any time. I’m glad you enjoyed it.

  332. Mike says:

    As if I couldn’t like “An Open Letter to Bearded Hipsters“ enough, you followed it up with an even better “I’m Sorry.” Both of these posts were outstanding and reminded me of why I started writing in the first place (though my blog has received woefully little of my attention since I switched jobs 18 months ago).
    Also, as a “manly” bearded man, thank you for face shaming those damn effeminate hipsters. They’re giving us a bad rep.

  333. Steph says:

    I love when people read a humorous, not to mention personal, blog and get pissed about the content. It’s my favorite thing.

    • It’s my favorite too. I love even more when people get so pissed off that they write on their personal blog about someone else’s personal blog. It’s like a Chinese puzzle box. Oops, I’m being racist.

  334. Monica Marvin says:

    Holy shit…I fell in love with your blog after reading your beard blog, then on to the perm blog..and I love you! People suck! Keep ya head up! XOXO Haters love to hate!

    Sent from my iPhone


  335. Lowell says:

    simply lovely. :-)

    Just remember Nicki, the penis mightier… er, the pen is mightier… Keep on providing wit and observation about whatever it is you wish. Those who follow and enjoy will continue to do so. Those who follow solely to critique should put their own egos on the line and blog their feelings into the ether instead.


  336. Autumn says:

    Don’t forget that people with a sense of humor read your blog and do get you. I don’t think your blog would have been shared so many times simply to bash you. I also think you know this….but wanted to reinforce the point since the haters came out to play.

  337. Tim says:

    I love your sarcastic wit. Keep it up. Screw ‘em if they can’t take a joke. You can’t be anybody but yourself, so don’t change.

  338. Dave says:

    Thank god, do you know how hard it is to find a good navel lint blog? I mean, sure, I could start one, but that would be, like, work. And I’d have to do stuff like writing and typing and taking pictures of navel lint, and then set up a Pinterest account, and eventually a Facebook page for that lint that looked an awful lot like Jesus and therefore will have restored my faith in something.

    Fuck em. You rock.

    • I think it could be very zeitgeist-y, this navel lint discussion. We could talk about how the detritus that is trapped in our belly buttons in symbolic of the meaninglessness of modern life.

  339. this post was almost as good as the one that spawned it

  340. […] *UPDATE* If you were offended by this post, please read my sincere apology here. […]

  341. hemmingplay says:

    I don’t think Niki needs protecting, and she could probably be my granddaughter (and I’d be proud of her if she were), but you have a nasty mouth on you and shouldn’t drink and blog. But more than that, that was probably the fourth-worst rant I’ve read today. You have some work to do if you want to get into the medal round, boy.

Hey girl, where you going? Slow down. I just want to talk for a minute.

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