image

An open letter to bearded hipsters

1,322

Dear Bearded Hipsters,

YOU GUYS ARE RUINING MY BEARD FETISH.  Ever since I was a little girl, I’ve loved a man with a beard. To me, they meant strength, power, MANLINESS. Someone who could protect me. Unfortunately, you guys have turned it into a fashion statement. The beard has turned into the padded bra of masculinity. Sure it looks sexy, but whatcha got under there? There’s a whole generation running around looking like lumberjacks, and most of you can’t change a fucking tire.

Look, I get it. I really do. I understand the motivation behind your beardedness. In fact, I even pity you. Thousands of years of evolution priming you guys to kill stuff, and chase stuff, and fuck stuff….and now what? You’re stuck at a desk all day. No battles to fight. No wars to wage. So you assert your masculinity the only way you know how. You brew beer. You grow some hair on your face. I’ve seen you, hipsters, sitting in downtown eateries, with your rock chick girlfriends, dipping your truffle fries, trying not to get the aioli in your mustache. I’ve seen the quiet desperation in your eyes. I know you’re screaming into the void.

But I still hate you for it. You’re confusing me. It’s now on me to suss out who is the real man and who is the poseur. Sadly, I fear most of you are the latter. Before this explosion of whiskers on trendy men everywhere, if I saw a bearded man it was safe to assume certain things about him. Like, he probably owned a hammer. Or washed his hair with a bar of Irish Spring. His beard was probably scented with motor oil and probably had remnants of last night’s chili in it.

But you vegan nancyboys are a different breed altogether. You have your mountain man scruff, but you maintain it. You groom it. With products. A quick google search of “beard grooming products” turns up literally thousands of articles explaining how to have the most lustrous beard possible. Take this one from Philadelphia Magazine, where they tested TWENTY DIFFERENT VARIETIES of beard oil. The result of this intrepid testing?

“I’m talking softer, more manageable whiskers that hold their shape better and smell nice, besides. Doesn’t sound so bad put that way, does it?”

Yes. Yes it does, you GIANT PUSSY. Am I reading “Cosmo”? What the fuck is going on here? Betty White has bigger balls than you. Look, I know I sound harsh, but I’m actually trying to rein myself in. A beard is meant to keep your face warm. Seriously, that’s it. You guys had your warm beards so you could go out and hunt us food, and we had our boobies with warm milk to feed the young’uns. That’s why I love beards. It is a natural, physiological response. I want a man who can keep me safe. How did it all get so twisted?

I don’t want to go back to Cro-Magnon days. I’m glad we have more gender equality and I like not having to worry about being eaten by larger creatures. But I am calling for a moratorium on the hipster beard. I demand that you reach for a razor if any of the following are true:

Your beard is accompanied by a bowtie or horn-rimmed eyeglasses. Why on earth do you want to look like Sigmund Freud? At least he could blame this strange look on his massive cocaine problem. Sometimes a cigar is just a douchebag.

You grew a beard to be “ironic”. But you don’t exactly understand what “ironic” means, or why having a beard would be ironic if you did.

You take time off from your entry-level graphic design job only to attend South by Southwest, take your French Bulldog to the vet, or lie on your futon and weep.

You do not know what an Allen wrench is, but can explain, in detail, the difference between a macchiato and an Americano.

There is an existing Instagram photo of you wearing a knit beanie and chewing on a stalk of wheat.

How’d you do, boys? Better go get your moisturizing shave gel. It’s time to stop playing at being a man. But don’t throw all those perfectly good whiskers in the trash. Give them to your upcycling, DIY girlfriend and let her decoupage some photo frames, or something. But please, just get rid of it. Another trend will soon come along to occupy your technology-addled attention span. And me? I have some beard-ogling to get back to.

Thanks in advance,
Nicki

*UPDATE* If you were offended by this post, please read my sincere apology here.

About these ads

1,322 comments on “An open letter to bearded hipsters

  1. Hi to all, how is the whole thing, I think every one is getting more from this web site, and your
    views are nice for new visitors.

  2. What’s up, constantly i used to check weblog posts here in the early
    hours in the dawn, because i enjoy to gain knowledge of more and more.

  3. Leanna says:

    Right now it looks like Movable Type is the top blogging platform out there right now.
    (from what I’ve read) Is that what you are using on your blog?

  4. Arletha says:

    Please let me know if you’re looking for a writer for your weblog.
    You have some really good articles and I believe I would be a good
    asset. If you ever want to take some of the load off, I’d absolutely love to write some articles for your blog in exchange for a
    link back to mine. Please send me an e-mail if interested. Regards!

  5. Shantae says:

    hey there and thank you for your information – I have certainly
    picked up anything new from right here. I did however expertise
    some technical issues using this web site, as I experienced to
    reload the site a lot of times previous to I could get it to load correctly.

    I had been wondering if your web host is OK?
    Not that I’m complaining, but sluggish loading instances times will
    very frequently affect your placement in google and can damage your high quality score if ads
    and marketing with Adwords. Well I am adding this RSS to my email
    and could look out for much more of your respective
    fascinating content. Ensure that you update this again very soon.

  6. OneBadDaddy says:

    Reblogged this on OneBadDaddy and commented:
    As a beard owner for many years, this made me laugh sooo hard.
    Bravo Nicki. 👍

  7. Have you ever considered about adding a little bit more than just
    your articles? I mean, what you say is fundamental and all.
    However think of if you added some great photos or videos to give your posts more, “pop”!
    Your content is excellent but with pics and video clips, this site could
    certainly be one of the best in its field. Good blog!

  8. Sophia Jones says:

    Hello… I am Sophia Jones from Australia, I am out here to spreed this good news to the entire world on how I got my once lost love back.I was going crazy when my love (Jerry) left me for another woman last month,we have been dating for the past three years. I was so badly hurt that i almost committed suicide once or twice until the day a friend of mine who had been in my situation before told me about a spell caster that helped her solve her problem. So i contact the spell caster Dr Rishi a great messenger to the oracle that he serve,I narrated my problem to Dr Rishi about how the man i love so much left me and also how i needed to get a job in a very big company.He only said to me that i have come to the right place were i will be getting my heart desire without any side effect.He told me what i need to do,After it was been done,within the next 48 hours,i was so shocked that My love called me on the phone and was saying sorry for living me before now and also in the next one week,I was called for an interview in my desired company were i needed to work as the managing director..I am so happy that engaged now to get married very soon…Thank you Dr Rishi…contact him today and be happily reunited with your lost love ones..His email is harekrishnasolutioncenter@gmail.com

  9. place says:

    If you are going for most excellent contents
    like myself, only pay a visit this web site every day since it
    provides feature contents, thanks

  10. I’ve got fun with, produce I ran across exactly what I’m taking a look regarding. You could have wrapped up the four time prolonged look! The almighty Thanks a lot person. Employ a good evening. Cya

  11. Hi i am kavin, its my first occasion to commenting anyplace,
    when i read this piece of writing i thought i could also make comment due to
    this brilliant post.

  12. Mr x says:

    Could be funny but about 2 years ago…

  13. boobshut says:

    I’m not that much of a internet reader to be honest but your blogs really nice, keep it up!
    I’ll go ahead and bookmark your site to ckme back in the future.
    Many thanks

  14. REX says:

    Hello to the world at large I want to use this medium to tell
    the world about Doctor BULL
    who helped me in getting my
    lover back with his powerful
    spell, my ex and i where having
    misunderstanding which led to our breakup though i went to
    beg her several times to please
    forgive and accept me back
    because i know i offended her
    but each time i went i always
    feel more deeply in pain and agony because she always walk
    out on me and would not want
    to listen to what i have to tell
    but on i faithful day as i was
    browsing i came arose a
    testimony of a woman whose problem was more than mine and
    yet Doctor BULL helped her
    with his spell so i was happy and
    also contacted Doctor BULL for
    help via email and then told him
    my story but the only thing he said was that i will wipe you tear
    with my spell so lucky for me
    everything want well just as he
    promised and right now i have
    got my fiance back and we are
    both living happily. there is nothing Doctor BULL can not do
    with is spell and just as promise
    my self i will keep testifying on
    the internet of how Doctor BULL helped me.Are your
    problem greater that mine or less i give you 100% guarantee
    that Doctor BULL will put an
    end to it with his powerful spell,
    contact Doctor BULL for help
    Via email
    BESTSPELLHOME@HOTMAIL.COM GETTING YOUR EX LOVER BACK.
    2. WINNING LOTTERIES.
    3. CHILD BEARING.
    4. BREAKING OF GENERATION
    COURSE.
    5. GETTING OF JOB. 6. JOB PROMOTION.
    7. MONEY SPELL.
    8. SPIRITUAL PROTECTION.
    9. HERBAL CARE.
    10. BEAUTY SPELL.

  15. really love the information you provided!

  16. our website says:

    We’ve been a bunch of volunteers in addition to establishing the latest scheme within our local community. Your website offered you with important info to be able to pictures with. You may have completed your powerful task plus our full group will likely be grateful to you.

  17. I’m eally enjoying the design and layout oof your blog.

    It’s a very easy on the eyes which makes it muich moore pleasant for mme to come here and visit more often. Did youu hire out a developer too create your theme?
    Exceptional work!

  18. Aw, this was an extremely good post. Finding the time and actual effort to
    generate a good article… but what can I say… I put things off a whole lot and don’t manage to get anything
    done.

  19. video lucu banget bikin ngakak motor says:

    Hello! I’ve been following your web site for a while
    now and finally got the courage to go ahead and give you a shout out from Austin Texas!
    Just wanted to tell you keep up the fantastic work!, http://goo.gl/vxVK1H

  20. […] Daniels, Nicki. An Open Letter to Bearded Hipsters. (Last Modified January 6, 2014) http://nickidaniels.com/2014/01/06/beardedhipsters/ […]

  21. jokowi 2014 says:

    Hey! Someone in my Facebook group shared this website with us so I
    came to take a look. I’m definitely loving
    the information. I’m bookmarking and will be tweeting this to
    my followers! Superb blog and brilliant design., http://goo.gl/dVucqo

  22. […] rather ‘beard cool’ or ‘beard chic’,trimmed hedges of designer beards that Owen says have caused the devaluation of his own, as well as other men’s proper and primeval beards. He misses the days of bearded admiration, his father’s beard, and celebrated English batsman, W.G. […]

  23. Asking questions are actually fastidious thing
    if you are not understanding anything completely, but this paragraph provides good understanding even.

  24. Spencer says:

    So, I’m not opposed to this article–“beard culture” is super annoying for a lot of reasons–but I just have to point out that human facial hair–body hair in general, actually–has not, from an evolutionary standpoint, kept people warm since at least as far back as Homo Neanderthalensis. In fact, as far as we can tell, facial hair serves pretty much the same purpose as a baboon’s blue ass: attracting mates. I.E. exactly what hipsters are trying to use it for.

    • wjrobinson says:

      Pray tell, how did you reach that conclusion? I can say from first hand experience that a beard can make a significant difference in how much cold your face experiences. I made the mistake of shaving immediately prior to spending a week in Chicago during a sub-zero windchill period. I can assure you that I never made that mistake again. And that subsequent experiences with similar with my facial hair intact were far more pleasant.

  25. Goood post however I was wanting to know if you couhld write a litte more on this subject?

    I’d be very grateful if you could elaborate a little bbit more.
    Thank you!

  26. The comments be like:

    OOOOH BITCH I AINT NO PUSSY I HAD A BEARD SINCE 3RD GRADE HAND ME THAT TIRE IRON IM GONNA BEND YOU OVER THAT HOOD AND SHOW YOU MY MANHOOD.

  27. I don’t blame women for being angry at these pathetic excuses of human beings walking around. What I find annoying is the stark contrast between what women see in front of their eyes and what is actually in front of them. I applaud this woman for realizing that there are pussies who look like tough guys but it’s a shame she couldn’t mention the guys who are BAD ASSES but try to act and look like normal people.

    For example, I killed 5 people in Afghanistan. I came home, I don’t talk about it I look like a regular guy and women will never know that about me. Being “tough” isn’t something that you can actually talk about. Because the sad thing about being tough or having a large penis is that when you talk about it it makes you look like a huge douche which won’t help you get laid. Just to be clear I wasn’t in the armed forces, but I was really drunk and accidentally triggered an IED and saved myself by hurling a family of 5 on top of the bomb as I run tail between my legs.

  28. Bruno Rico says:

    Hi My name is ‘Bruno Rico’ just want to share my experience with the world on how i got my love back

    and saved my marriage… I was married for 7years with 2kids and we lived happily until things started

    getting ugly and we had fights and arguments almost every time… it got worse at a point that she

    filed for divorce… I tried my best to make her change her mind & stay with me cause i loved her with

    all my heart and didn’t want to loose her but everything just didn’t work out… she moved out of the

    house and still went ahead to file for divorce… I pleaded and tried everything but still nothing

    worked. The breakthrough came when someone introduced me to this wonderful, great spell caster who

    eventually helped me out… I have never been a fan of things like this but just decided to try

    reluctantly cause I was desperate and left with no choice… He did special prayers and used roots and

    herbs… Within 7 days she called me and was sorry for all the emotional trauma she had cost me, moved

    back to the house and we continue to live happily, the kids are happy too and we are expecting our

    third child. I have introduced him to a lot of couples with problems across the world and they have had

    good news… Just thought I should share my experience cause I strongly believe someone out there

    need’s it… You can email him via eromosalelovespell@outlook.com Don’t give up just yet, the different

    between ‘Ordinary’ & ‘Extra-Ordinary’ is the ‘Extra’ so make extra effort to save your

    marriage/relationship if it’s truly worth it.

  29. Mark says:

    That was hilarious (and some of the angry comments are even funnier). I’m a late 40’s guy who’s had beards on an off for about 20 years. Just moved to Soho, NYC for work and I’m surrounded by bearded men (obviously a fashion trend). I just shaved my beard this morning so I would no longer feel unintentionally ironic (not sure if I should say sorry or you’re welcome, cause I’m not sure if you’d have liked my beard, been revolted or just confused : ). Well, keep writing, and I’ll keep laughing!

    From a now beardless man who has actually run a chain saw, splits cord after cord of wood with a maul, can rebuild engines and secretly loves hello kitty.

    P.S. Who’s Kale?

  30. PJ says:

    Ignore the fairies, girl; just give me your phone number.

    I don’t actually “grow” a beard, it just grows by itself. About once a month when it gets itchy enough I zip it off with a hair trimmer down to stubble length. Thus I have finally freed my face from the tyranny of the razor forever. I have had a beard before it was cool, and will have it after it is no longer cool.

    Please note, not only do beards keep the face warm, but they provide camo for the face, which is pretty obvious out in the field when clean-shaven.

    I also know how to change a tire, kill, gut and butcher a deer, rebuild an engine, manufacture ammunition, build a house and scratch an itch. If I have got you excited, give me a call. Hope you don’t mind that I’m 64… :-)

  31. […] self-deprecation, and a sprinkling of bons mots. Tongue-in-cheek rants, like the very lovely “An Open Letter to Bearded Hipsters” (and the subsequent apology, which fits well with another article I’ve written, speaking of […]

  32. finalist says:

    Oh my goodness! Incredible article dude! Thank you, However I am going through issues with
    your RSS. I don’t understand why I am unable to subscribe to it.
    Is there anybody else having the same RSS problems? Anyone who knows
    the solution will you kindly respond? Thanks!!

  33. […] critically examined the many fraught meanings of bearded masculinity in the midst of rousing over bearded hipsters who fail to be ‘real men.’  Both Laite and Bengry have traced well the unstable signifiers of bearded masculinity; they can […]

  34. Bit harsh… Granted I had a beard before the rest of the nation decided to sprout them, but for me it too is a relatively new addition to my arsenal. Beards are great. Manly men are great. Hipsters are oft-times great too.

    Your view of manliness is somewhat demeaning to men too. Unless we smell of motor-oil and have last nights chilli in our beards we aren’t manly. Or if we can tell the difference between an Americano and a Macchaiato we are lesser men than out more ignorant counterparts.

    I support a fine beard. I can tell the difference between a Flat-White and a Latte. I know how to change a tyre, and I know I don’t use an “Allen Wrench” to do it (they’re either Allen keys, or wrenches!). I do not wear horn rimmed glassed, but if I did I’m sure I’d be somewhat offended by your classification of me as less ‘manly’ for doing so.

    Anyways, these are just initial thoughts after reading the article. I have your apology open on another tab and am looking forward to reading it!

  35. […] via An open letter to bearded hipsters « The Nicki Daniels Interview. […]

  36. […] friend sent me a link to an open letter to bearded hipsters. I love it. The author comes out swinging, finds the jugular, and jumps on it. Read it and enjoy. […]

  37. J’écris un com simplement pour féliciter l’admin

  38. Nicolai Coombs says:

    “Your beard is accompanied by a bowtie or horn-rimmed eyeglasses”. The bearded hipsters run around Hollywood and of course the sheep follow. The ultimate phonies. The calculated uncalculated look. Great humour. Loved the apology. Thanks.

  39. grok says:

    That was a funny article. You hit the nail on the head that these bearded man-children can’t even change a tire. I’d be curious to examine their manicured hands for scars and callouses.

    I grew a beard the summer I was doing uranium exploration in northern Saskatchewan out of a bush camp. I kept it for a few years. It was great in winter, and provided natural camouflage when duck & deer hunting. But when working on old cars I was getting rust, dirt, grease, WD-40, etc. in it all the time. It got lit on fire only once. But it was hot during summer. So I shaved it off.

  40. mmaier2112 says:

    And yet I bet you wear makeup. How is that any less deceitful?

    YOU’RE NOT A REAL WOMAN!

    YOU’RE RUINING MY PRETTY GIRL FETISH!!!! WAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!! WAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

  41. ale says:

    “A beard is meant to keep your face warm.”. I agree of course that’s what its for just like all other hair on the body. But this very fact also begs some interesting questions like ; doesn’t this also apply to all other hair? Why is it considered normal to gel ,trim or color your hair and stupid when people do it for beards? What about clothes? Ar n’t those meant for the exact same purpose? What about men shaving all body hair including genitals, start acting like sissies and call themselves “metrosexual” ? Could it be that maybe its because, ALL trends and fashions are a fucking stupid waste of time and money? Hmmmm…

  42. […] post of ‘Open Letter to Bearded Hipsters’ is right on the money. It is written by a GIRL which points out how the real world sees the bearded […]

  43. click here says:

    When I initially commented I clicked the “Notify me when new comments are added” checkbox and now each time a comment is added I get three e-mails with the same comment.

    Is there any way you can remove people from that service?
    Thanks!

  44. Yes! Finally something about cures for kidney failure.

  45. Thanks for one’s marvelous posting! I truly
    enjoyed reading it, you happen to be a great author. I will always bookmark your blog and
    will often come back later on. I want to encourage you to continue your great
    posts, have a nice holiday weekend!

  46. timmmmmay says:

    Anyone who took offense to this has small balls and should probably shave their beard with a hockey skate. I have a beard, i am a hipster, wear bow ties, and found this hilarous. I love truffle fries and get tapas downtown, maybe grab a latte heading to my desk job.don’t know shit about cars either. If I needed glasses I would also wear horn-rimmed glasses just because of this. Quit being so senstive, it’s a blog. and it’s hilarious

    • Ginny says:

      You rock.
      Real man AND hipster.

      Kerping rocking ironically. I support you when I mock the others. Lol. ;)

  47. mobile games says:

    Everything is very open with a precise explanation of the issues.
    It was truly informative. Your website is very
    useful. Many thanks for sharing!

  48. […] no… you're not one of these guys, are […]

  49. Hey there, I’m a new website designer just starting out and I’m in need of a portfolio.
    Do you want an online site design for free?

  50. Thank you for this. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

  51. Dana says:

    Just saw this one today, but I’ll point out that I’m one of those bearded guys who owns a hammer — and a table saw and a drill press and routers and sanders and way too many other tools — who remodeled the kitchen by myself, who keeps the grass cut, the snow shoveled, the vehicles maintained, the house repaired, and still works 55 hours a week, bringing home a better-than-average salary. I’m 6’2″, 220 lbs, and completely off the market, married 34 years, 11 months and 17 days.

  52. Old says:

    Well done young lady! As an old fart (60+) who grows a beard in the winter to keep my face warm, I about fell out of my chair laughing… OBTW, what IS a macchiato and an Americano???

    • Robert What? says:

      As one old dude to another: Har! I get to keep mine too as I was zero for five in the quiz. I don’t know what a macciato is either, but I believe Rick drank Americanos – or was it Captain Renault? I hadn’t realized it had become such an issue. How do you know if it is a “hipster beard” anyway? Does it count if it makes you want to shove them to the ground, sit on their chests and shave it off? (The guys, I mean ;-)

      • Dana PicoD says:

        What is a hipster beard? I’d guess that it’s a goatee (the wimpy little beard only; the small beard paired with a mustache is a Van Dyke), that looks stupid, and as though the wearer can’t grow a full beard.

        • Robert What? says:

          OK, I’ll have keep an eye out. I’m usually not examining men’s faces – “not that there’s anything wrong with that” ;-)

          I’m about an hour away from hipster heaven: Brooklyn, NY so I’m sure it will be easy to spot them in the wild.

  53. A very entertaining tongue and cheek swipe at the hipsters. You write well. I was surprised to see the vitriol of the hipster boys and girls who took offense. As a writer/photographer/publisher and yes sometimes graphic designer I suppose, if it wasn’t for my advancing age, I may have fallen into the target demographic. I still found it hilarious.

    Despite my flirting with the effeminate professions of the hipster on of my favorite article I have written is “Conservatives are from Mars Liberals are from Venus” Google it up.

    I now must read the apology post, I hope it is equally sarcastic and funny :D

  54. I love how you tag it as “humor” so you always have the safety of saying “it was just a joke!” to any legitimate criticism.

  55. pudgenet says:

    Just so you know, I wear horn-rimmed glasses for working at the computer and reading, so I don’t get headaches. This does not make me a hipster. It makes me lazy, because they were the first glasses the lady offered me at the eye doctor’s place, and they said Nike on them, so why not?

    And hell, my beard is mostly grown out of the same sense of laziness: it’s the easiest option and athletes do it.

    Also, I use many kinds of wrenches regularly, I I would never have a French Bulldog or go to SXSW (though I do know the abbreviation, sorry), and I don’t even drink coffee, let alone know the differences between them. And I would never wear any kind of a beanie, unless it’s a tuque, and only then when it’s the most practical headwear for the moment.

    • Southern Man says:

      My beard and glasses combo make me look like what I am – a science professor. I can also change a tire. I once did so at the side of the road, at night, alone, and without the assistance of a jack. Because science!

  56. […] via An open letter to bearded hipsters « The Nicki Daniels Interview. […]

  57. Moookybooboo says:

    Hello dear,
    I just want you to know that beards are not there to keep the face warm.
    Sincerely,
    An knowing and loving evolutionary biologist

    • Dan says:

      What are the leading opinions about the purpose a beard serves?

    • bearded alpha male says:

      “An knowing…”. So you get to skip english class if you’re a biologist?

      FYI beards do keep your face warm. Might not be the intention from an evolutionary stand point but any bearded man will confirm.

      You aware?

      Wood bury

      • Dave E. says:

        “So you get to skip english class if you’re a biologist?”

        The rules are looser for “evolutionary” biologists in academia. Something about them being able to bake totally awesome cookies, particularly the bearded hipsters.

        And yes, my beard does keep my face warm every fall/winter. Any man who says differently is either a liar or a hipster doofus who can’t actually grow a real beard.

        • Dan says:

          Okay, but just because your beard keeps your face warm doesn’t mean that’s what it’s there for. My dick makes a bulge in my pants, too, but that’s not its purpose.

  58. Henry Jones says:

    Amazing how this pretty funny post about hipsters escalated into a lot of complaints from (apparently) more masculine men. That could be because there is a whole lot of anger over the feminization of (particularly urban) western culture and society. Women have set the agenda for the last 40 years and created, using the coercive power of the state, a whole generation of severely feminized (again mostly urban) men. And now many of them are complaining that they aren’t attracted to their creations – hence the reaction to this post. More masculine men, who were mostly rural or involved in traditionally masculine pursuits, such as (until recently) the military, were absent from this whole process because it repulsed and actively devalued them, so they had no input. Now young women are looking at very slim pickings if they want a “real man”, particularly in the urban environment where most of them seem to want to live.

  59. big fun says:

    I answer NO to all those questions.

    But, sorry. I use product. But I lay off the soy – I don’t want my balls to shrink. Good hair and a hard dick are basically my markers for health.
    :)

  60. Dan says:

    I’m curious how you would react to a guy who can explain, in detail, the differences between an allen wrench (I had to look that up, we always called them hex keys) and a torque wrench but also owns a burr grinder and a French press; who chops down trees with a double-bitted axe he bought at a charming antique store; and who brews beer (how is this not manly, by the way?) but also served in Iraq.

    …oh and I have a beard, too.

    • scott johnson says:

      oh, I laugh heartily….burr grinder. I think you mean a die grinder….a burr is what is held in the collet of a die grinder. Only in the Harbor Freight catalog is it called a hex key. Try again, poseur!

      • Dan says:

        Really? We’re arguing semantics now? Okay.

        I looked up hex keys (again) and reading a bit more reminded me of *why* we called them hex keys in the military: because “Allen” is a brand name, and the military does not support or sponsor any specific brand. Therefore, in the Army, we called them hex keys.

        As for the coffee grinder — maybe you’re right. I have been turning wrenches longer than I’ve been grinding my own coffee. But a search for “burr grinder” does in fact bring up coffee grinders, whereas a search for “die grinder” brings up…

        Ah. I think I see the source of the confusion. You thought I was talking about a power tool, when I was actually talking about a snooty method of grinding coffee. I was illustrating a contrast: I know my way around a tool room *and* the coffee shop. We probably did have some die grinders around, but they would have been in the sheet metal shop and my MOS kept me out of there.

  61. steerpike66 says:

    Yes, it;s really funny and people have no sense of humor.

    AHEM

    GIRLS ARE RUINING MY BREAST FETISH.

    Ever since I was a little boy, I’ve loved a woman with good breasts. To me, they meant sensuality, allure, FEMINITY. Someone who could nurture and pamper me. Unfortunately, you chicks have turned it into a lazy charade. Poor breasts have turned into the padded bra of masculinity. Sure they still sometimes look sexy, but whatcha got under there? There’s a whole generation running around looking like either cheap strippers or nuns, and most of you can’t even cook or give a decent neck-massage.

    Look, I get it. I really do. I understand the motivation behind your breast (non-) display. In fact, I even pity you. Thousands of years of evolution priming you girls to attract mates, and feed babies and look pretty….and now what? You’re want to have your own job. No big families to look after. No husband to take care of you. So you assert your femininity the only way you know how. You blog about fashion. You slap on some make-up at the weekend. I’ve seen you, hipster chicks, sitting in downtown eateries, with your gay best friends, dipping your truffle fries, trying not to get the aioli in your mustache. A bag full of knitting and no babies. Blogging about desserts and your cat. I’ve seen the quiet desperation in your eyes. I know you’re screaming into the void.
    But I still hate you for it. You’re confusing me. It’s now on me to suss out who is the real woman and who is the lesbian ballbreaker or psycho slut. Sadly, I fear most of you are the latter. Before this explosion of weirdly unattractive female bodies everywhere, if I saw a curvaceous woman it was safe to assume certain things about her. Like, he probably could cook. Or washed her hair with scented lotions and wore sexy lingerie. Her bedroom was probably pretty and pink and filled with feminine colors and she was probably dynamite in the sack without having being too much of a slut.

    But you oddball Lena Dunham lookalikes are a different breed altogether. You have your boobs, but you dress wrong. You hide it. With knitwear and ugly t-shirts.

    A quick google search of “alternative female fashion” turns up literally thousands of articles explaining how to have express yourself by wearing clothes that are, frankly, not that attractive to men and pretty weird.. You’re either too skinny or too fat, if you have good bodies you dress like skanks and the pretty ones have this ‘attitude’ where they dress ‘the way they feel’. What’s up with that?!

    Yes. Yes it does, you UGLY DYKE!

    Am I reading “Hairy Feminist Magazine”? What the fuck is going on here? Most gay men take better care of themselves than you.

    Look, I know I sound harsh, but I’m actually trying to rein myself in. TITS ARE SUPPOSED TO ADVERTISE YOUR FEMININE DESIREABILITY. Seriously, that’s it. You girls had your soft breasts so you could stay in and nurse our kids, and we had our beards to keep us warm while we hunted. That’s why I love tits. It is a natural, physiological response. I want a woman who attracts me with her soft, feminine mystique. How did it all get so twisted?
    I don’t want to go back to Cro-Magnon days. I’m glad we have more gender equality and I like not having to worry about being eaten by larger creatures. But I am calling for a moratorium on the flat-chests, skanky boobs and heavy sweaters. I demand that you showyou’re your luscious bodies if you have them and hide them if you are not blessed with decent measurements and BMI
    Your big boobs are accompanied by a fat stomach and ass?

    Why would you want to ruin you feminine beauty by not keeping your whole body sexually attractive? You are wasting your most precious blessing. Why would you want to look like Rosanne?
    You hide your tits to be “feminist”. But you don’t exactly understand what “feminist” means, or why having not having tits would be feminine if you didn’t.

    You work in some macho job not befitting a lady, drive the wrong car badly, drink craft beer instead of cocktails,laugh too loud, make sarcastic comments and generally think you can do without male approval.
    There is an existing Instagram photo of you wearing a knit beanie and chewing granola.

    How’d you do, she-males? Better go get your hessian legwarmers. It’s time to stop playing at being a woman. But don’t throw those perfectly good tits in the trash. Give them to some women who knows how to act like a real, biological woman and let her decoupage some photo frames, or something. But please, just get rid of them.

    And me? I have some boob-ogling to get back to.

    Thanks in advance,

    MISTER FUCKING HILARIOUS

  62. Knob Gobbler says:

    My question is who is the bearded asshole that allowed this cunt on the internet without showing her tits?

  63. Fred says:

    Absolutely hilarious – some people really need to develop a sense of humor.
    I admire your bravery in going against the politically-correct: you are a true Feminist.
    (vs. those poseur ones who are really just submissives and who obey every whim of the female herd).

    Suggestion: go learn to shoot – I can’t tell you how many beards you’ll find there, but at least you won’t find any macciattos or entry-level graphics designers. Everybody – male and female – will be real people, doing what they love, and not too worried about societal expectations.

    Ditto for rock-climbing, community-response teams.

  64. […] Nicki Daniels puts into words just some thoughts some people might be having. […]

  65. ghost_ says:

    This and the apology post is 100% amazing. I was laughing so hard reading both of them. Nicki Daniels, thank you.

    To those feminists saying that men like me are brainless and have been the reason you braid hats out of your armpit hair?

    I just want to note that I’m quite an intelligent masculine guy studying information security. Now compare that to those dipshit entry-level graphic design hipster wankers. I wonder who is really the more intelligent strong-willed one?
    The guy who doesn’t give a shit and will grow a beard regardless of the ‘image’ it conveys? Or the guy who grows a beard to fit into a horrible sub-culture of not fitting into sub-cultures? The latter obviously cares about the opinions of others and honestly, anyone can get a job in graphic design. Try programming.

  66. […] al doilea rand, in ciuda unei burti in crestere, omul e al naibii de “viking” si stie cum se poarta o barba. Daca adaugam si cornul de bivol din dotare (nu e o metafora retarda), intelegem de ce nenea asta a […]

  67. victor says:

    awesomee!! congratulations!

  68. Reblogged this on The Beardo Blog and commented:
    Sweet :D

  69. Articles like this are a step back for feminism. And the reason why people think that feminists are angry bitches, instead of people that believe in not judging others for their looks, sensitivities and often times weaknesses. Move to a Muslim country Nickie, you’ll find a manly man there. P.S> What the fuck is a real man? P.P.S. Don’t forget to tell your son that “big boys don’t cry”.

  70. K. Suck It. says:

    Your post is humorous and biting. I hate hipsters. I hate them with a passion. I used to enjoy small doses of irony in my life, to be funny, but I can’t do that now. I used to find kitschy stuff sort of charming, but I have that can’t now. Obscure or ironic tastes does not make you cool or interesting, sorry. If you are a “DJ” or a “producer” or are in a band, it is pennies on the dollar until you are making a living wage. But wait, “I don’t care about money or that shit”…if you are any good, you’ll make money for your passion.Last thought: Just stop being so smug and ‘too cool for school’. You radiate a haughtiness that I’m sure you find equally as appalling from the higher echelons of society. Please stop being a cultural joke.

  71. I didn’t realize beards and boobs were so analogous. My beard is slacking.

  72. Gina Maune says:

    Thank you for proving that women can be sexist as fuck too!

  73. Bloody hell, Nicki, I didn’t realise that humour bypasses were such a common procedure nowadays!

  74. Mike says:

    Ok I get it, everyone piss on hipsters. It’s fun, it’s easy, and since no one self identifies as a hipster there is not going to be much direct hate. The question though is what is a man? My beard always has product in it, every day two conditioners and an herb cleanser, though most days of the week its just as likely to also have oil in it from rebuilding motorcycles, sawdust from wood working, or soup from last nights dinner. How many hours do I need to spend on my classic motorcycles to counteract the fact that I cry sometimes? Do I have to turn in my biceps and penis if I like good coffee? Also don’t apologize for your opinions, no matter how bigotus and pig headed they are!

    • We the bearded (myself going on 27 full bearded years) applauded the young men (aka Hipsters, mainly) who dared to facial hair. I still applaud them. If it weren’t for their brazen ways facial hair would be scarce on television, less seen in the boardroom, or in any other room in an office, lacking severely in sports, and pretty much relegated to the protester, the bum or the professor. The problem with many men (not just hipsters) is deep within: those who will always want a critique on their looks, who cave to spouses, who do not stand up for their rights in the workplace. Not everybody can be a lumberjack (some states tax the hell out of tree removal) or a biker. I understand the angst Nikki, first time seeing your post, but as a dedicated beard advocate who has successfully fought for the right to keep beards in workplaces and stopped many from lopping off their manhood, I say ‘hipsters, beard on – with lattes and knit hats and Ipads – boldly, like a man!’

    • Sofuckingmanly says:

      You’ve got to be fucking shitting me. What the fuck is an herb cleanser? Is that some sort of product that comes free free when you get your butthole bleached? My guess is you’ve never drank yourself a Grain Belt after a 14 hour day working a construction job in the dead of summer because you were too busy trying to be ironic. My only hope is that hipsters die out like emos or move on to the soul patch.

  75. poop says:

    you’re about as funny as Tucker Max. which is, not very funny.

    • Garth Ernstzen says:

      Fkn yawn. Maybe the true test of a mans masculinity is how he treats a women not how much time he spends infront of a mirror taking pride in his appearance for himself, you basing your judgement and idealistic views of masculinity on something so superficial as a beard then you deserve your hand that your dealt.

  76. Harry Ass says:

    Another fucked up REDNECK. Sorry you don’t get to choose who gets a beard, it’s up to any individuals including women if they really want one. Your say on things has been irrelevant for quite some time or should I say your view. There are some men who hide behind a beard who have been closeted all their life because of the way you think, I guess they’ll have to shave the beard and come out now. Maybe you would enjoy living in Iraq where men are really men and a woman has no say at all in the matter. Time to wise up and respect people no matter what they look like, it is the action that speaks louder.

  77. Not the hipsters fault they’re the excrement of feminism. What did you expect of of a generation raised by this shit?

  78. Reaper63Grim1 says:

    Sadly, pictures of my deployment beard don’t exist on the internet. But despite all the butt hurt comments, I say thank you.

  79. Jack M. Hof says:

    This article is a fucking joke.

    Imagine the shit storm that would ensue if this was an article about whores with fake tits and how much of a tragedy it is that many don’t make good enough sandwiches or suck dick well enough.

    • But it IS about this. It’s the exact same thing. It’s a well written blog post about the unmanliness of hipster beards. For women who prefer real men, hipster beards are profoundly unsexy. It’s just like the unwomanliness of women with fake tits who want to be pampered and spoiled without doing a damn thing to deserve it – except get loads of Botox, hair extensions and pile on the makeup (hello V. Stiviano?). Duh.

      • A beard grows on your face. Fake tits don’t occur naturally. Articles like this are a step back for feminism. And the reason why people think that feminists are angry bitches, instead of people that believe in not judging others for their looks, sensitivities and often times weaknesses. Move to a Muslim country Nickie, you’ll find a manly man there. P.S> What the fuck is a real man?

  80. Matt Ralston says:

    Well said. I enjoyed reading this, hipsters are an embarrassment to society.

  81. You are hilarious! You have gained a loyal follower on this fine day.

  82. John says:

    Let me teach you about war, you cunt.

    You laugh with detached irony at the idea of others killing and dying because it gets you wet. I lost a foot. I killed a man. I don’t have much use for irony any more.

    I hope you land the manly bearded hulk veteran of your dreams, and he gets drunk and slaps you hard enough to crush your eye socket. Maybe then you will know enough about violence to discuss it intelligently.

    • FMudder says:

      Where did you get the idea she “laughs with detached irony at the idea of others killing and dying because it gets you wet.”? You seem to be bringing a lot of your own baggage to this fun, light-hearted article. I hope you are getting the help you need and deserve after your sacrifice.

    • Vlad says:

      that escalated quickly

    • this post made me laugh says:

      As long as he looks manly while doing it, she will probably be sloppier than wet roast beef downstairs.

  83. Bert says:

    Can you imagine if I wrote an article telling feminists and fat chicks to quit complaining about equality, lose some weight, and become feminine again?

    My head would be on a pike.

    • Ernie says:

      Because hipsters belong to a very privileged breed of earth population? Might that be a reason why your comparison is silly? While most main stream satire in the 21st century is restrained to Adam Sandler eating feces? Is that why you don’t quite get this? Ever read a Mad from the 70’s, when satire was relevant, painful and funny? – it’s easy training, it comes with pictures, cartoons!

    • Seriously… Can you imagine a man writing an article telling women that they have to shave their body hair? If a college coach got caught on tape calling someone a player a pussy he would have to take sensitivity classes, etc. and half the women reading this article would lead the charge for it, but this girl gets to call hipsters pussys for having beards? I don’t like hipsters either, but the double standard is even worse

      • Ernie says:

        A man doesn’t need to write an article about female body hair, he clearly demonstrates his ideas of the female body through commercials, movies, music videos, tv series etc etc etc. And I think there are some opinions having been raised about that for some time now…..

    • No, it would be refreshing and HONEST. Write it! Have some…balls, Bert.

    • No, Bert. It wouldn’t. It would be honest. What’s wrong with honesty?

  84. Stone Morningwood says:

    So, this “woman” wants tradition from bearded hipsters, does she?

    A bearded manly man full of machismo who will provide, provision and protect.

    Are those archaic traditions, much like the women who obeyed their men, who loved, honored and cherished them til death did they part? A mother and cook who kept our homes clean and nurtured our progeny with just the right amount of empathy that made our societies civil and meaningful…

    Human civilization is a two-way street, ladies… so, kick off your shoes, step into the kitchen, make some sandwiches, pick up a duster, obey your protector and get on your knees and let him know that you’re in it to please… or else deal with it.

    Now you know what they meant when they said be careful what you ask for, as you might actually get it, and all that comes with it (accountability, responsibility and obligation).

  85. […] come no one wants to talk about sexism against guys? Consider this open letter to bearded hipsters by blogger Nicki Daniels. Pretty funny unless you are a bearded hipster. But if a guy wrote a post […]

  86. Hans says:

    Amen to that and I’m not even slightly religious. Seriously, being a beardy guy since way before this hipster creatures started crawling around I’m absolutely on your side. Beard is manly, but if its perfectly trimmed, shaped and massaged, it just doesn’t look right. Opposite of manly.
    But then again, maybe it’s a last cry for help. Like “I may have just ordered this special soymilk cappuccino, I may be wearing stupid skinnyleg jeans, I may be riding this single speed bike, which is useless almost everywhere except in front of the coffeeshop, I may have 45 different cosmetic products in my bathroom, BUT LOOK, I HAVE A BEARD, so I’m not a woman. Seriously, I’m not. Stop suggesting otherwise, or Iľl leave to weep on my fouton.”

  87. Basically you can find “real men” these days by looking for guys with a 2 or 3-day beard that probably isn’t groomed…which unlike the fashion beard folks he could care less what you think of him (i.e. he’s more secure with himself).

    The whole feminist agenda might have been useful once upon a time, but now it seems self-destructive.

    If you’re a traditionalist that’s your business and if I were you I wouldn’t apologize for it.

    Hell, it’s biology and no amount of arguing against it will change that fact.

    Kudos for having an opinion that you weren’t afraid to state in this twisted politically correct world of today.

  88. Kwis says:

    You dont know shit! Whether or not it’s a “fetish” you are subjecting yourself to the same sexism that you and your gender have been trying to fight for generations. Dont post something so extensive that you dont know anything about. Just because you obviously judge people on their beards doesnt mean you have any sort of opinion nor right for argument. You should blog about things that matter isntead of ranting about “hipsters” whom no one knows exactly what it even is. Alternative culture NO GOD PLEASE NO~!~!

  89. aldorios says:

    hahahaha Though I have a beard and might be guilty of some of the hipster stuff, I’ve had my beard since high school and just shaved once for my diploma, and my beard sometimes actually have a gasoline and motor oil smell. Anyway, yeah… these days the beard is a fashion statement, rather than a masculinity statement, and that sucks… and if anyone gets offended by your post is because they are indeed pussies!… and If you pussies excuse me, I have some plumbing to do, and a motorbike to fix… cheers!

  90. Rene Flores says:

    Reblogged this on FloresBlog and commented:
    Amen, sister. Amen.

  91. Man says:

    … says the unattractive 40 year old ex-junkie, ex-felon bar maid. Let’s be honest, if the West hadn’t become such a soft place for pussy bearded men to inhabit, you would have died years ago.

    You’re a living failure, and no quick facial shave can change that fact.

  92. and says:

    Hi my family member! I want to say that this article is amazing, nice written and come with almost all important infos.
    I’d like to look extra posts like this .

  93. chicas says:

    hello,
    really a big appreciable blog. Very interesting site. Hope it will always be alive! great job. I want to say you thanks for sharing this. picture is so nice.
    thanks

  94. Jak says:

    Fantastic job, I’m on the other side of the fence here but I can confirm that real men shave nowadays. Lookout for a toolbelt hey princess? if they are carrying some silly book around you have yourself a hipster. Its probably in russian and they most likely wont read it, its just for starting convo’s with chicks on the bus.

    As a brickie ive seen a few of these posers on the building site, and it breaks my heart to see a bearded man weep. But thats what they are.. bearded nerds. No offence to real nerds.

  95. […] recent post by regular blogger Nikki Daniels (‘An open letter to bearded hipsters’) that has made the usual rounds of facebook and twitter has got me thinking about how male fashion […]

  96. Ed Murray says:

    Hah, you got off lucky. I used to be gay. These guys have made me not gay. I haven’t shagged anybody this millennium. You get me, right? Stopping being gay doesn’t mean straight (you ex-gays know what I’m talking about).

    These guys keep reminding me of social-climbing Victorians in their pall bearer suits covering yellowed longjohns that never get washed. Even when I look for porn now, I’m looking for vintage gay porn from an age when men didn’t look like battery chickens and didn’t look like they had TB.

  97. Joe says:

    I think it may have been misguided to drag brewing beer into this discussion. If you can’t change a tire, you can’t brew beer.

  98. Kal says:

    Hipsters must end.

  99. […] this open letter to bearded hipsters by Nicki Daniels — pretty damn hilarious (unless you are a bearded hipster). But if a guy wrote […]

  100. Epic post!

    I have had a beard since the mid80s, no one, not even my various ex wives have ever paid eyes upon my bare chin. I once shaved down to a goatee and my daughter looked at me and asked if I was her real dad. I raised this girl up to know how to change tires and oil, drive like a real native Austinite (MoPac as NASCAR training) and not be a wuss.

    Why do I have a beard? Because I can, that’s why. It’s not a fashion statement so in that I don’t like shaving and it separated me from the pack of whining douche nozzles I encountered at UT in the early 80s. The recent crop of douche nozzle hipsters invading Austin like fleas at a dog show need to die early deaths by venereal disease so the rest of us can go back to being weird.

    Austin native Dave

  101. Garry says:

    Hey! I agree. It used to be I used beards to clue me into the other gay guys. That glance just a little too long, the checkered shirt– then the beard. Nailed it! Gay guys been using it as a secret handshake for YEARS.

    Now all you straight guys take it over and confuse the hell outta me. I mean, don’t get me wrong, you look great and I might hit on you now — but it’s really just instinct. You know, guys do what guys gotta do.

    But, back to the main point– straight guys are just following us gay guys to look trendy. Remember Greenwich Village and Chelsea? They used to be gay places and we made them hip.

    Now beards.

    There goes the neighborhood…

  102. Prof. Woland says:

    That was an epic post.

    I love it.

    I know what an allen wrench is, I have no idea what the fuck those **.iato things are, I’ve installed oak flooring, dry wall, and ceiling fans in our house, I can cook and garden like a motherfucker, and I can blow shit up with my mind.

    Only that last one is, perhaps an exaggeration.

    I don’t, however, have a beard. Well, today I have whiskers because I was too busy doing shit to shave. But it’s likely that tomorrow it will be gone.

    And now I must eat some chili doused with some hot sauce with more scoville units then the pepper spray used by you local SWAT department.

    Good luck with your continued project of giving hipsters the abuse they so richly deserve.

    Best,
    Prof. Woland

  103. […] lone female blogger, Nicki Daniels, wrote a piece about how hipsters are ruining beards by making it harder for her to find a truly manly man (rather […]

  104. Beardless says:

    Although I agree with your sentiment that beards are homosexual. I feel you portrayed it in a vulgar, very unladylike way. You are yourself your own misrepresentation to the essence of the point you are making. I feel the politeness and good etiquette is what makes a lady most attractive, yet you with you and your types with your literacy degrees, pull down these stereotypes with badly written articles that have no place no my internet! I hope one day you find a man with a beard and you are truly, truly disappointed.. Hairless men, aren’t really men, but they sure are horny! Like fat bitches!

  105. Bearded John says:

    I know what and Allen wrench is; camp outdoors in the northeast in the middle of winter; ice climb; fish for food; have slaughtered a chicken; have rotated my own tires and changed my own oil for years; start fires with a fire steel and camp knife; etc. but I also know the difference between and an Americano and a macchiato; listen to Sufjan Stevens; and though I don’t own a bow tie, I am certainly tempted. I’ve got a beard. Where do I fall in this rant? Beard ok, or no? :-D

  106. Lordhank says:

    Good lady, were I not already married, this blog would have made me instantly propose. Well said and keep up the beard love.

  107. Kieran says:

    Jesus Christ. Anyone who got offended by this is exactly who she’s talking about and doesn’t deserve a beard. Fucking sensitive new age nancy boys… fuck’s sake!

  108. Death says:

    I’m so tired of women wearing dresses and they don’t even know how to properly cook dinner or do laundry. Wearing a dress used to mean something, now it’s just a fashion statement.

  109. Mrs Cailtin Poore says:

    Hello Every One
    I am Mrs Cailtin Poore from the United States Of America. I want to share a testimony and i will always give thanks to Dr Abu who brought back my divorced husband that has left me for 4years within 72hours, i promised to always tell people about this great miracle that happen in my life,we where 2 year ago,since we got married,i have not been able to give him a child,although he try to bear with me but it came to a time his parents where so hot him,that he should get another wife because his mother needed a grand son from him,so because of all this,he left me. I have been looking for how to get pregnant and how to get my divorce husband back to my life because i love him with the whole of my heart,i could not replace him with any other man,one day i was watching my television when i saw a lady giving thanks to Dr Abu and telling the world how he helped her, i was so shocked i could not believe it because i never taught that there are powers that can bring back lost marriage,then i decided to contact him too because i do really need my divorce husband back,when i contacted him i told him everything and he told me not to worry that my divorce husband will surely come back to me, within 72hours, at first i could not believe because i was thinking how could somebody that has gone for 4years come back within 72 hours, then i decided to watch and see,after all the necessary thing have been done,to my greatest surprise within the next 72hours i got a call from an unknown number ,so i pick the call the next thing i could hear was my husbands voice he was pleading and begging me on the phone that i should forgive him, that i should forget all that have happened that he did not know what came over him,he promised not to leave for any reason,that he was really sorry for what he did,i was so surprised because i never believed that this could happen,so that was how i accepted his apology and the next morning he came back home to meet me and still pleading for me to forgive him i told him that everything is okay that i have forgiven him,that was how we started again and he has Change and 6months later i became pregnant,we where bless with a baby boy and live happily. I promised to say this testimony in radio station,commenting this testimony that am now a mother, i promise to say this in radio station and i will sir, thank you very much.World please am begging you people to try and help me thank this man for me,or if you need his help here is his email address drabuspelltempleofsolution@outlook.com or you can also reach him through his mobile number,+234 903 800 7421*

    Mrs Cailtin Poore

  110. ICallBullShit says:

    If you are evenly mildly offended, you need to take the dildo from out of your ass you weak excuse of a man. A woman (who is entitled to her opinion) called out a hipsters lack of being a man, and you take offense to it? Stop being the he-bitch, it only affirms her argument even more.

    • Adam Kornya says:

      Fuck you and your brokeass expectations on masculinity.

      I’m a goddamn Ron Swanson man’s man. I am a litigator by profession and I do go out and fight daily battles that pit my skill against that of another man’s. And I usually win.

      I also cook at a borderline professional level, I garden, I sew, I do lots of things typically associated with the feminine gender because I like to do them.

      My professional acumen, combined with the skills I’ve developed outside of what I do ‘for a living’ doesn’t make me ‘a man’. But it does make me a better human being than some shitty lady who is infatuated with the superficial idea of a person rather than who a person is as a complete package. Meaning that I am in a perfect position to pass judgment on this woman, and her shitty opinion, and you, and your shitty opinion. Because she, it, you, and it are shitty.

      Hold your applause.

  111. Great Quotes says:

    Hi there to all, it’s in fact a nice for me to pay a quick visit this web site, it contains important Information.

  112. Ben says:

    I think I love you, Nicki. How have you not rubbed my beard yet? I appreciate the everloving shit out of you, and would love to give you a five-star backrub at your earliest convenience. Preach it, girl.

    ~Me.

    Post Scriptum: Haters gon’ hate.

  113. zip says:

    relax guys it sounds like it is humour

  114. zapzap says:

    It sounds like humour :)

  115. As a bearded man who makes his living working seven days a week, outside in steel toes and coveralls, thank you! You crushed it.

  116. Kentke says:

    Why apologize? You nailed it.

  117. This website was… how do you say it? Relevant!! Finally I’ve found something that helped me.
    Thank you!

  118. […] then there were the new! Came across Nicki Daniels on Facebook. Her Bearded Hipster post made it all the way to Sweden and beyond it would seem. I enjoyed it. I liked it. I dig her […]

  119. […] then there were the new! Came across Nicki Daniels on Facebook. Her Bearded Hipster post made it all the way to Sweden and beyond it would seem. I enjoyed it. I liked it. I dig her […]

  120. […] has come to my attention through nick daniels blog that there is this group, of what she calls, “hipsters” who grow beards. Even though […]

  121. […] said open letters were so 2013? Nicki Daniels’ bold and humorous post, “An Open Letter to Bearded Hipsters,” caught the attention of […]

  122. timbermann says:

    Please tell me it isn’t so. Now I respect their choice to grow a beard but what the hell is with all this other shit. I grow a beard to bring awarness to small enslaved elves and to keep my face warm. But I also cut down trees to keep my house warm.

  123. […] said open letters were so 2013? Nicki Daniels’ bold and humorous post, “An Open Letter to Bearded Hipsters,” caught the attention of […]

  124. […] said open letters were so 2013? Nicki Daniels’ bold and humorous post, “An Open Letter to Bearded Hipsters,” caught the attention of […]

  125. hemmingplay says:

    Reblogged this on Hemmingplay and commented:
    Oh, yes. This.

  126. […] said open letters were so 2013? Nicki Daniels’ bold and humorous post, “An Open Letter to Bearded Hipsters,” caught the attention of […]

  127. BEARDBRAIN says:

    Fuck this article. I don’t go around writing open letters about women’s body hair, appearance, and how it’s inappropriate for them to wear a dress and do taxidermy cause it’s un feminine. If i said anything like this it’d be on jezebel faster than people are willing to dish out the word hipster to any person who doesn’t look like they are from the adult equivalent of the highschool football team. My masculinity and beard is up to me, not to any woman. Fuck off and eat kale.

      • Darrell the lumberjack says:

        My dearest Nikki, so far you don’t seem to take criticism poorly, I like that in a woman. I absolutely and indefinitely have fallen in love with you and I don’t know what you look like. I am a firm believer that masculinity shouldn’t be measured in the ability to collect and identify vintage typwriters NOR in how much a man can bench press. I measure it in the ability to carry firewood, paddle a canoe, or intelectually and litterally sweep a woman off of her feet. You rule, stay incredibly sexy.

    • mike says:

      beardbrain. fuck your life. I am nicks brother and would demolish you in any type of manly task. I am college educated military certified and do drywall finishing and landscaping for a living. Your a nancy pansy. I played high school football am a pretty good wrestler and would love to put kale on my penis head and force feed it down your fucking mouth. If your ever in the area hit me up because two years of mma training plus a temper built piece by piece would fuck you up. Time and place you unintelligible fool.

      • Vegetarian Samson says:

        Wow Nicki, What a response you got!

        I found your piece on beards to be amusing, it was mildly offensive (not really, but some men clearly do not like having their masculinity questioned), I also related, because now a days I might be confused with being a hipster and I am not one. Btw, I have yet to meet anyone who thinks they are a hipster. I personally have had a beard off and on for twenty years. As a Jew, we are forbidden to shave (use a razor), so I feel guilty if I shave. If I allow my beard to grow too long (I am not big into grooming and don’t put products in it), I either look like an Islamic terrorist, a Rabbi or the Unibomber. I don’t mind looking like a Rabbi, but I do not like being searched at the airport or alarming people.

        I am thankful to hipsters for making my beard, thus me seem more socially acceptable, even if at first I was annoyed by the beard fad.

        I never associated having a beard with being manly, perhaps because most of the men I have known with beards have been Hasidic Jews! (a different kind of manly)

        It was the Romans who started shaving and it’s an unnatural practice to do so. “The Zohar, (one of the primary sources of Kabbalah ,Jewish mysticism), attributes holiness to the beard, specifying that hairs of the beard symbolize channels of subconscious holy energy that flows from above to the human soul”. Think Samson.
        (Zohar Vol. 11 Safra Det’zniuta)

        What’s interesting about your amusing piece is the reaction it got, but also intellectually speaking the discourse as what it is to be a man now a days. i.e I am a vegetarian, like a good espresso, but also have military training, use tools, blah blah blah….

        I’d be interested in reading more about that, and this piece did put you on my and others radar.

        p.s My wife does not find beards to be sexy…

      • Ocean says:

        I found it offensive the way you use a form of rape as a joke. Is this how you treat a woman?

        • Ocean says:

          ^^ I was referring to Mike’s comment. In Thailand, “girlie-boy” is an accepted part of the spectrum of gender. I feel compassion for people who don’t fit black and white gender roles. They are often bullied by people like Mike, and this kind of humor validates this behavior.

      • Micah says:

        Mike…You’re an epic fool. Having to tote your “mma” skills is more indicative of your insecurity than any real macho threat no matter how much your keyboard warrior mentality wished it otherwise. I’d be careful threatening people you don’t know as there are ALWAYS people more skilled, stronger and more willing to slap you into your place whether it be with intellect or fists (both of which you betray to be lacking)… I’m tempted to volunteer the lesson. The article was pure drivel written by someone who couldn’t command a proper regard of her fellow “man”let alone the English language. I suggest you deal with the appropriate criticism.

    • Jed says:

      If you are offended, you are just the type of manposing hipster douche she’s talking about. Come to Alaska sweetheart and see what a real man wearing a beard looks like.

  128. […] said open letters were so 2013? Nicki Daniels’ bold and humorous post, “An Open Letter to Bearded Hipsters,” caught the attention of […]

  129. […] said open letters were so 2013? Nicki Daniels’ bold and humorous post, “An Open Letter to Bearded Hipsters,” caught the attention of […]

  130. […] said open letters were so 2013? Nicki Daniels’ bold and humorous post, “An Open Letter to Bearded Hipsters,” caught the attention of […]

  131. […] said open letters were so 2013? Nicki Daniels’ bold and humorous post, “An Open Letter to Bearded Hipsters,” caught the attention of […]

  132. […] said open letters were so 2013? Nicki Daniels’ bold and humorous post, “An Open Letter to Bearded Hipsters,” caught the attention of […]

  133. […] said open letters were so 2013? Nicki Daniels’ bold and humorous post, “An Open Letter to Bearded Hipsters,” caught the attention of […]

  134. Jake Lunniss says:

    This makes me feel better about my inability to grow nothing more than a raggedy 3+ day scruff. I look like a 13 year old that borrowed his Dad’s suit.

    But I can change a tire. I regularly have bits of egg from my breakfast stuck in my wispy, wannabe moustache. I live in Australia: heat = stink. I am ALL that is man.

    On a side note, I once wrote a blog post about consumerism in hiking and how people were generally only buying toys rather than enjoying the hills etc blah blah. Nothing revolutionary. I got hate mail, from otherwise normal middle aged men, because I criticised their TENT of all fucking things. Carry on, ’cause you’re great, and you have at least one new follower!

  135. […] said open letters were so 2013? Nicki Daniels’ bold and humorous post, “An Open Letter to Bearded Hipsters,” caught the attention of […]

  136. […] said open letters were so 2013? Nicki Daniels’ bold and humorous post, “An Open Letter to Bearded Hipsters,” caught the attention of […]

  137. […] said open letters were so 2013? Nicki Daniels’ bold and humorous post, “An Open Letter to Bearded Hipsters,” caught the attention of […]

  138. […] said open letters were so 2013? Nicki Daniels’ bold and humorous post, “An Open Letter to Bearded Hipsters,” caught the attention of […]

  139. […] said open letters were so 2013? Nicki Daniels’ bold and humorous post, “An Open Letter to Bearded Hipsters,” caught the attention of […]

  140. Beard Oil says:

    […] recently read this article: An Open Letter To Bearded Hipsters.  It’s an opinion piece by Nicki Daniels, who is a wife and beard lover and it’s pretty […]

  141. Nacho Cheese says:

    Hipsterdom = Masculinity cosplay

    • Simon White says:

      More generally, hipsterdom = real-life cosplay.

      I have seen the finest minds of next generation strutting the funky streets with porn (it rhymes), impotent to fix real problems so retreating into the comfortable distraction of trendy ephemera. Insulated by irony. A sad waste of intelligent, creative and potentially really good people.

      Hipsters are only one manifestation of a general trend for young people to make a life out of constructing a facade. What has changed since earlier times is that now it is not just a few directionless individuals, and that it increasingly persists well into adulthood.

      Not having Nicki’s problem I don’t find hipster’s beards more annoying than any other aspect of them, and it is convenient that they make my own beard more accepted. (the profile pic is old :-)

      Thanks for your hilarious writing Nicki.

    • Simon White says:

      Dang, forgot to insert my extensive list of real-man qualifications and equally long list of disqualifications so y’all could judge whether I make the grade.

  142. kays528 says:

    You are a genius i wish i knew you in real life

  143. Amanda Kill says:

    Behave and Shave© shirts available on http://www.amandakill.com

  144. Hahaha, fuck the haters. I loved this. You rock lady.

  145. w0lfLars0n says:

    As a bearded man and an operator (that would be someone in the Special Operations community for those not in the know), I will say what I’ve been saying for quite some time: the length of one’s beard should be directly proportional to how much they can bench, not proportional to the tightest of their jeans. That is all.

  146. I am a bearded 30 year old fellow that cant stand the hipster movement. I love beards, I love PBR and that is pretty much it. Yes I can change a tire, unclog a sink full of long female hair, and know my way around a knife and cast iron skillet. I do chop trees down with the back of my hand and I do wrestle bears just for the fuck of it. Please stop watching hipsters, or as I call them bitches with beards, and pay attention to the few of us remaining that try to keep wisdom and vitality alive in our cold, wet, ever shrinking world of manliness.

  147. Kevin says:

    Funny! Word

  148. […] Bearded Hipsters (nickidaniels.com) […]

  149. See, I come at this from the other direction, I like my effete nancy boys and I absolutely HATE not being able to see the glorious cheekbones/jaw line due to the fucking gross face shrub *vomits* so yes, DEATH TO THE HIPSTER BEARD. I want my artsy boys effeminate and eyelinered

  150. endorphinhigh says:

    Great post – Here’s something else to think about regarding the subject.

    The countless women who are attracted to bearded guys, but don’t really want a guy’s guy.

    For example, I just seen a pic of a few bearded guys out Hunting. The comments from the females were the usual “they’re so hot”, however, many of those comments were immediately followed by negative comments about them actually having “guns” and “killing” things.

    Not saying Hunting is how we define a guy’s guy, but to me this is an example of how there are many guys who are just wearing the beard uniform (ala your post) but there are also many women who just want that hipster in uniform and not everything else that may come with a bearded man’s man.

    Just like women have to be cautious, so do “real” men, because ending up with a woman like that just because she likes your beard, could prove to be a challenge in other areas of life.

  151. You are awesome and I agree 100%.

  152. Barton Marks says:

    Growing up in gay I’ve met a lot of different types of people, gay straight and everything in between. Regardless of how a person presents themselves, I’m good as long as its a genuine representation.

    But I gotta say, in my native home of washington DC, gay or straight, it seems like all the white guys here try so hard to affect the image and mannerisms of what they think of as a real man, without actually embodying masculinity. Its like watching a bunch of caricatures of people in real life.

    But hey. When the influx of white people came to dc, they brought the thing they valued most with them. “Convenience”. you cant be born and raised on convenience, having everything come easy and then expect to mature into an authentic man. That takes difficulty, perseverance, blood sweat and tears. the hardest thing most of these guys have ever done in their lives is get a degree in an environment that fosters a hive mentality. A real man, bare minimum, has no problem being an individual. The only thing these guys are really ok vehemently arguing about or disagreeing on is politics. Which is an abstraction, albeit, an abstraction that has an effect on the real world, but still an abstraction.

    I digress. thanks for calling out the farce. genuine people appreciate your insight.

    • Skegger says:

      The most cogent response I’ve read yet.

    • Wow, what an eloquent fucking comment. You said everything I feel, I just use a humorous tone to get my point across. I think society is going to continue to devolve in this manner. I think one thing that is painfully obvious is that many, many men are insecure in their masculinity. And as much as they bandy about these buzzwords, they’re masking a real anger and misogyny. Do you write? I’m intrigued by your thoughts.

      • Some Guy says:

        I disagree with Barton. Blue-collar conservative working class men — those who society deems the most manly, are more homogeneous than just about any other group of people. They share the same religion [Christianity], political party [Republican], interests [automobiles and hunting], listen to the same music [country or classic/hard rock], dress the same, talk the same, and are usually intolerant of anyone who’s different than them. They also tend to be uneducated and lack in class and sophistication. But hey, they like to blow out animal’s brains with their guns and grow beards, so fuck every everything else, amirite?

        Go ahead and pursue rugged, bearded men. You have the right to assert your own preferences for the opposite gender. However, don’t pretend that ‘manly’ men embody individualism. There’s nothing unique about them. They’re just uneducated idiots who never learned how to stop behaving like animals — that’s all. You can have them. Just make sure you find one before he loses all his teeth [chewing tobacco and neglecting personal hygiene comes with consequences].

        Signed,

        A former U.S. Army soldier who doesn’t feel the need to grow a beard, drink copious amounts of alcohol, work on cars, and objectify women to prove to others he’s a man.

        • We’re not talking about “who society deems as” anything, fucktard. That’s the whole point. Real men and women don’t need society to define them as anything.

        • I have a beard, not Christian, live in the woods in a one room cabin with no running water, also read poetry and I am a talented cook.I can also make knives with hammer and anvil, butcher meat, shoot, and make my own alcohol. Nobody who knows me would say I am not a perfect gentleman and a scholar.

          Being salt of the earth blue collar and having a beard does not mean that one fits your stereotype of the tobacco chewing knuckle dragger as a “Manly man” any more than you being ex army means you were too inept to be a marine.

          I certainly don’t fit your narrow minded worldview of “Real men with beards”. Neither am I some pansy hipster. grow up and learn to judge people on an individual basis rather than using blanket statements.

          • Tim says:

            She doesn’t like hipsters you dweeb, thats all. I’ve never seen so many men be so sensitive. I’m worried for the future of America after reading these comments.

    • aqilaqamar says:

      I have noticed that most people from very affluent worlds can only type about angst and not feel it much at all. Angst requires a certain number of empathy. But people born to convenience and never face any form of pain or discrimination feel that things should be handing down to them.

  153. René Dubé says:

    I am a bearded man of 45 who knows what is a wrench and a hammer, but is more successful around the house with a chef knife and a spatula… freshly divorcee as well! Waiting for your encounter even though I had to shave prior to facing a judge in order to get a fair custody for my two daughters who will then grow up with a real chance of knowing what a true bearded father figure can truly mean.

  154. Meow says:

    Who knew that beards could be the cause of such animosity?…. honestly, who cares what people do with their bodies or facial hair? I find it sad that people have this much time to whine about things that are superficial and unimportant.

  155. Brooklyn Beardo says:

    You are absolutely right. Using body hair to make a statement, but not backing it up with culturally stereotypical action is total bullshit!! That’s why your next article should focus on chicks who shave their pussies down to landing strips or full monty Brazilians yet have the audacity to NOT be total whores in bed. Bitches.

    • dodobrain says:

      Brooklyn Beardo. Any sartorial choice that does not include comprehensive lifestyle follow-through should be punishable by social ostracism.
      1) Kilts worn with man panties? Nay!
      2) Backless dresses worn with a visible black bra? One big false promise!
      3) Costly trench coats without printout of perfect GRE score tucked in the pocket? Ultimate poseur!

  156. Aaron Gibson says:

    I feel that I have to defend myself a little bit here. I have a beard and I wear a beanie…..oh crap, and I have a nice camera…. But I do cut trees and live in the forest.

  157. Jussayin says:

    Is a hipster making fun of hipsters a hipster-y thing to do?
    Someone with a tat like that shouldn’t be throwing stones.

  158. El Guapo says:

    Wandered over from Calamity Rae.
    Thought your post was hilarious – almost as funny as an awful lot of the comments.
    I realized while I was reading this that I don’t think my wife has seen my naked face more than two or three times in the years we’ve been together, and I haven’t been clean shaven more then half a dozen times in the last two decades.
    I love my beard for one reason above all others: I’m lazy and having a beard is an acceptable reason for not feeling like shaving before work.

    My only problem with the post is can’t we dislike everything about hipsters, not just their beards?

  159. surlybuddah says:

    This is the first winter, since I left the Army in 1989, that I haven’t grown a beard. After shoveling my driveway in -20 degree temps, I was angry that the hipsters forced me to alter my yearly routine. You’re my hero.
    Now if you could please turn your attention to the guys that wear millitary style dog tags as a fashion accessory I will forever be in your debt.

  160. Kylie says:

    I think you’re funny. I think this is funny. Personally, I see beards as a serious impediment to dating because who wants to kiss that scruffy shizz (or be on the receiving end of other oral actions)? Do you live in Portland, Austin, or Brooklyn? Gotta be one of those.

    Calamity Rae sent me your way.

  161. Maggie O'C says:

    I KNOW who you are! You and your big boobs…I knew you were good people since I found you from Donofalltrades! I agree with Jen, you just wrote a post to the men of Portlandia. I had no idea how in need of big boy pants so many bearded hipsters are. This is hilarious, was it FPd? Must have been! Here’s to us!

  162. Jen Coates says:

    thank you for saying everything I have been thinking.

  163. Owlse says:

    This is one of the greatest things I’ve ever read. It reminds me of a table of men (and their rock chick girlfriends) that I was sitting next to at a restaurant recently. All 8 had beards. All 8 of them were eating truffle fries. And all 8 of them were a bunch of whiny little girls. Thanks for the laugh!

  164. my46gt says:

    LMFAO!!! This is the funniest shit I’ve read in ages. Thank you for telling it how it is.

    Sincerely, a man that has a beard and wrenches on cars.

  165. Wow, what an incredible response from a lot of whiny people! I love this post. I love beards too, on the right men. My husband doesn’t have one, but he does work with his hands as a mechanic, and the fact that he can reach into the guts of some dead machine (like my car) and bring it to life is sexy to me. Men who are more interested in shopping for their new London Fog raincoats or getting manicures do not appeal to me – personal opinion. Oh, no, I must turn in my feminist card!

    • I know, right? I will never understand how enjoying more traditionally “manly” men is considered anti-feminist. I think in not asking men to be strong and capable, we are doing both sexes a huge disservice. It’s like if you’re not strumming a ukelele with daisies in your hair, you’re a rapist. Or something.

      • MrE says:

        I’ve got a beard, i’m not a hipster, according to your article i’m “allowed” my beard (lol, what the fucking fuck?) i find this article hilarious, but honestly, this is such double standards. If a man wrote something like this about women it would be sexist, and there would be a huge shitstorm. If, trying to draw the best comparison, i’d written this article about how more women are wearing padded bras and tricking me into thinking their breasts are massive and how its such fake femininity, and then i had broadly classed all women that wear push up bras and the like as “SLAGS” or “WHORE WOMEN” , or even just Hipsters actually, and demanded that if certain factors weren’t met they had to put away their breasts FOR EVER because they didn’t ‘deserve’ them, my life wouldn’t even be worth living because of this shit it would cause. Just sayin’, you mention that you appreciate equality and then flagrantly flip up a finger at the notion in the same sentence. And then the comment i’m replying to, just wow. There is sexism, and then there is stupidity. Once again, if i said “I will never understand how enjoying more ‘ditsy’ women is considered sexist. I think in not asking women to be weak and subservient, we are doing both sexes a huge disservice”. Notice how what i just typed is hugely offensive?
        Yeah, so it was you typed. I have thick enough skin to laugh this shit off, but there’s a fine line between creating controversy to get famous, and just being a cunt for the sake of it.
        It’s funny, but not really very nice.

      • The daisies and ukelele thing is real. I am a large man with a beard who lives in the woods (with my awesome wife) and the knee-jerk reaction from a certain type of woman upon meeting me is that i MUST be some kind of misogynist asshole and “my poor wife”. It’s bullshit. I was raised almost entirely by women, i am not a sexist pig. Sure, i split firewood and do lots of “manly” things, but manly does not equal misogynist, it just equals manly. asshole = misogynist (only sometimes, asshole equals lots of things really).

  166. FuckAynRand says:

    Generic conservative broad is generic.

  167. […] page, just as he had requested from me weeks earlier. When Nicki posted a humorous article on Bearded Hipsters, it quickly became controversial. In my opinion, Eric became jealous of her fast growing notoriety. […]

  168. MollzBawlz says:

    Spot on madam. Masculinity has in fact been lost to macchiatos in many folks. Thanks for bein a boss lady and layin out the law. If you were offended by this open letter to go out and GROW A DICK and ditch the fake veil of manhood you’re cowering behind- Walgreens is usually open 24-7 and you can swing by and get yourself some cream for your vaginas.

    • Spike says:

      I’m confused. If a guy has a cock that he has to sling over his shoulder and a nutsack that requires a wheelbarrow. If he kills hundreds of animals every day and owns a spanner factory. Is all of this undone through a lack of ignorance about coffee?

  169. So…Fucking…True.

    There’s a special place in hell for hipsters…they take stuff that actually is cool and turn it into fashion statements.

  170. I understand your frustration. I’ve got a beard and people sometimes do assume I’m a hipster, especially when I’m carrying the camera. In fact I will try and convince people I am a hipster because when they want a photographer they think hipster before they think back country ranger or aviation ground crew man. When I lived in the woods on a regular basis I had a massive thick red beard. Now that it gets exposed to aviation fuel on a regular basis I keep it fairly trim, but can’t imagine using a product on it!

  171. When the hell did it become embarrassing to be a human and understand the laws of nature? I thought society’s perception of humans and how we rank in the animal kingdom is that we are truly the cat’s pajamas with our opposable thumbs and impressive intelligence/cognitive skills. I can’t believe anyone would truly be offended by this post! I lied! Actually, I can. You know why? It’s the men that know you are actually speaking directly to them. I mean seriously – most men that grow and experience the beards that you are speaking about, are thinking “Yea! I can’t stand them too!” (Even if they don’t know that you really are speaking to them) I guess the word “proud”, when it comes to the laws of nature, went right out the window with the bath water; with the twin proverbial baby called “freedom”. Reality comes right down to, even though growing a beard is a natural process, not all men can do it; and of all the men that CAN grow a full/thick beard, not all of them should. So you need to figure out another way to be “trendy” – although most men do not see a beard as a fashion “statement” – because whether you should not or could not, resist the urge to follow the masses and end up looking transparent or trifling. Because if facial hair is in fact considered a trend-setting fashion, born out of attraction and fascination and not out of necessity, forgetfulness, boredom (and it is here to stay); then I guess women will be running and jumping onto that band-wagon as well, and we’ll begin to find the female sex ostentatiously sporting grandiose (and to some grotesque) Fu Manchus!!! I hate to think of all of those people out of work because waxing a lady’s (what was thought at one point as unsightly) facial hair, was now a thing of the past! At that point, I think Bill Murray said best in ‘Meatballs’, “And even if we win! Even if we play so far over our heads that our noses bleed for a week to ten days; even if God in heaven above comes down and points his hand at our side of the field; even if every man, woman, and child held hands together and prayed…, it just wouldn’t matter… It just doesn’t matter!”

  172. The Hook says:

    I have nothing of value to add… I’m just amazed by the reaction your views have brought, Nicki.
    YOU DA MAN!
    But, you know, with lady parts…

  173. hypocritealert says:

    MFW a career bartender mocks someone for an entry level job in graphic design. A trade that requires a little skill.

  174. hipsterorhomeless says:

    Don’t get me wrong, I hate hipsters just as much as the next person but I don’t really like the whole hypermasculinity talk. I think its great that men are taking care of their bodies and breaking the mold of the stereotyped “man”. Also, considering you are all for equality, I find it strange that most of the things you think “men should be able to do” like change a tire are things that everyone should be able to do in order to be an independent member of society…I also find it unfair that you said that men should have beards to kill things blah blah blah when our societies have changed so much and have no need for people to go out and kill things to put supper on the table. That’s kind of like saying “I hate when women try to talk about science or stand up for themselves. It’s annoying because they were originally made to be subordinate and only give men babies. Stop talking ladies, you just sound uneducated and undesirable.No one looks for an educated woman.”

  175. Asc.rudeboyru says:

    I thought amaricano is what Spanish speakers called Americans.. Lol

  176. mike says:

    i love your hate. you are an awesome bitch.

  177. androoski says:

    Thank you for saying so well what I usually feel like expressing with a punch in the face to these bearded pussy men.

  178. […] An open letter to bearded hipsters  […]

  179. Beard? Hair don’t grow on steel, son.

  180. James Witney says:

    I can’t afford hair implants, so I have to think head camouflage –> divert eyes from decreasing hair by use of rough non-clinical hairy shapes around mouth etc (<4mm depth).
    .
    Hoping for same effect as how 'your' beard might pull the eyes away from your chesty enhancements … :-)
    .
    I really have nothing else going for me … except me, the person within

  181. Darth Ridiculous says:

    Wait…..what’s a hammer?

  182. […] a lot more successful at picking topics and getting people to engage her on her site.  Her post, An Open Letter to Bearded Hipsters, had me rolling, doubting my own questionable decisions to grow a beard in the past, and launched […]

  183. Jake says:

    Sounds like you need a beardgasm. Come get some Crobot . It’s in your best interest ;)

  184. Hipsters feels like a bad name for them. Calling them hip is something they can wear as a badge of honor with their smug ideals and faux intellectualism. How about a new name, one fitting for their lifestyle.

    Shitheads. Has a good ring to it…fits what they are about.

  185. ))(( says:

    I have a beard, it keeps me warm and gives me somewhere to keep a marker handy when at work. I was recently asked to be in a beard contest, I politely pulled out my dick and started urinating on them.

  186. InBox485 says:

    I can’t believe the comments are still going on this. You should be getting some ad revenue off this.

  187. Lindsey says:

    Love all of it! Keep it up and speak your mind while you still have the right to!!! My man has a beard and his a MAN! If it pisses some feminist off then so be it but he protects, loves and cares for me and I still make the same annual income! Thank you for being hilarious and clever.

  188. Non-Hipster says:

    As a Kentucky housewife with fake boobs, are you sure you want to poke fun at stereotypes? ;)

  189. Jessi myers says:

    Unfortunately for you, hanging out on the internet and spending your free time “blogging”, you will never find yourself the “manly man” you seek. Not to mention that no man you describe would marry a woman that is so opinionated. If this is the type of man you look for, you better expect to have dinner ready the minute he gets home, and to only speak when spoken to.

    • I don’t think you know the right men. I have a husband with a great big beard and an even bigger tool chest. He also does all the cooking in our house and half the house chores (except for taking out the trash, for some reason that ended up my job). And if you asked him if his wife was opinionated he would just laugh. Into his nice, lush beard.

  190. jfrankenfurter says:

    Hear, hear, Nicki Daniels! My sentiments exactly. I say it all the time….they just don’t make men like they used to.

    • jfrankenfurter says:

      And as a feminist myself, who can change a flat, fix a chainsaw and protect herownself (hell, I even prefer to run into burning buildings for a living), who would never want to feel more manly than the man she’s with, I’d like to point out that some of you really just need to man-the-fuck-up and stop whining like lil bitches. As entertaining as it is, you’re only proving her point.

    • anthony says:

      bwahaha- what a whiny bitch!

    • Emile says:

      A hipster with a beard is still better than a hipster without a beard, right? And why is it so ridiculous to take care of yourself? Back in the day it was considered a manly thing to take care of yourself, because a man that dresses good and looks good got his shit together, and that’s a big part of the art of manliness. In the fifties and sixties every guy used parfume, went to the barber on a regular base (for their beards too), always had their hair right and a comb in his pocket just in case. Take a look at pictures from those era. It is since the last decade few decades it became manly to look like a hobo. You don’t know what you’re talking about lady.

      • You can accessorize a beard, but a beard is not an accessory. It is a man’s body part. Some are embarrassed by it, others understand the strength and – at times – the mystique of the beard (mainly because shavers have no clue who they really are by virtue of the daily lop). It takes guts to live counterculture to what is the norm, so short or long, your beard is your face, and truth beats whatever else poses as such.

  191. Zak says:

    Niki deleted this the first time I posted it. This is what this essay sounds like when a man says it (it’s gross): http://futureofthecity.wordpress.com/2014/01/10/an-open-letter-to-feminists-who-trim-their-pubes/

  192. lovinangels says:

    OMG. It’s funny, people. When we take all the offensiveness out of the world, what’s left to laugh at?

  193. mimi says:

    Freud didn’t wear bow ties, or horn-rimmed glasses. wth.

  194. Beau fuckin' Louder!! says:

    this was fucking amazing!!!!! i can picture all these hipster fags sobbing into their vegan friendly food (i have no idea what vegans eat), using their scarves to wipe their tears. i can proudly stand tall and say, i have a gun in my truck, i can run heavy machinery, hunt, kill, field dress and cook anything i catch.

  195. Dylan says:

    Hilarious. Please make more uptight assholes cry, pleasssse!

  196. Joe says:

    This is one of the funniest things I have read in a while!! Your wit is right on point! Thank you for this AND for your response to the people who actually have the nerve to be truly offended by everything. I bow to your greatness. I am sharing this with every rational hipster I know, starting with my roommate. He will howl.

  197. MarriedToBeardo says:

    Seriously funny!!! Come on folks, where did your sense of humor go? And by the way, any guy who uses the “C” word is most definitely NOT a real man. My two cents… :)

  198. spyder6683 says:

    I love you for writing this article. I want to shake your hand. I’ve got a hammer, Allen wrenches, a beard & chili.

  199. Brooks says:

    If you’re offended by this then she’s talking about you…

    • Jh says:

      For sure this is. So true so many people get offended by one persons funny interpritation of hipster beards and read way more into it then they need to

  200. […] you are reading this, it is probably because you read my last post, “An Open Letter to Bearded Hipsters“. This post was published on Monday morning and at last count has been viewed 528,821 times, […]

  201. Bob says:

    ya don’t need a bearded man to feel safe, just buy a gun…..duh, you stupid cunt.

  202. jgar says:

    This reads a like a mean-spirited, Palinesque “real men shoot wolves from helicopters” anti-intellectual appeal to selfishness and stereotyping. What’s a “real man”? If it’s someone who mates and reproduces, which is somewhere in the area evolution might define it, then the so-called “hipster” with a girlfriend in the cafe is actually further down the path of biological success than the writer appears to be, what with her lurking about the very same venues she derides, and perhaps sizing up her chances with no small amount of bitterness. How about you leave these hip little spots in your self-selected urban neighborhood and head down to the hardware or gun store and try your luck? But then the “real men” you run into there might be looking for a “real woman”, and stop you as soon you start going on about how your SEO has improved on your “blog” since your marketing guru friend who has a jewelry business on the side stayed up with you all night drinking Pinot and researching all the newest, hottest keyword chains. Nah, he’s probably looking for a woman who can skin something other than her knee when she trips in her manolo blahniks while running down the avenue trying to catch a cab to the Brooklyn Museum. Where does the author think these less than “real” men come from, anyway? What with their niche knowledge and esoteric skillsets and all. In fact they’ve always existed, and intellect and specialized knowledge as competition tools actually have always existed because evolutionary success is more complex than which man can put out which forest fire with what machine gun. The bottom line is that this article boils down to one woman’s complaint that because practically all men can grow beards, and an awful lot of them do, she has to work harder. Because men grow beards she has to compensate and and do stuff like work to get to know someone, instead of depending like a dope on a single secondary sex characteristic in choosing a mate. Apologies, m’am, but that’s your job. Not any man’s. Anyway – Good luck with the hunt, Michelle Bachmann ’16, bacon, etc.

  203. Boris Kaeski says:

    Funny .. my beard is not hipsters like, but people joke with me if I’m an radical member of one bigger world religion or maybe terrorist . :)) The second one is more likely since I have no problems in using tools, building and repairing stuff :)
    And yes, even in Macedonia we have such “hipsters” which are not the true hipsters .. these are lets say “new trendy hipsters” .. But my wife hates me without my facial hair but she had small problem with the length of it .. but she used to it ..even my co-workers, or people around me don’t recognize me anymore as one of mentioned above, but as some of our revolutionary icons 100 years ago :)

    Greetings from Republic of Macedonia!

    Take care!

  204. sdc says:

    I am know how to use an allen wrench, and I know the difference between an americano and a macchiato (the Italian type, not the Starbucks ones). Can I keep my beard?

  205. Ben Kilen says:

    Yes I have a beard, no I do not frequent coffee bistros (not even sure what they are) matter o fact I dont drink much coffee but ehen I do itd black. I have moved to the burbs but do appreciate and have the abillaty to overhaul an engine or gut and remodel a house.

    Hipsters annoy me and mutton chops or handle bar mustaches should be worn as honor having earned the right to masculinity. You’d better ride a V-Twin know how to work be able to keep a woman and family safe (other than calling 911 from your iphone) or be scottish and talk with a thick irish accent.

  206. Dana-Lynn says:

    It’s a well written article but I have to disagree with it. I personally don’t like beards. They itch my face when I try to kiss the person behind it, but regardless, anyone has the right to grow hair on themselves wherever it grows if they want. It’s their body to control, not yours. So what if its a fashion trend! And you use a beard to know that a man is a ‘real man?’ Can’t you just discern that by talking to and hanging out with said person? What a sexist and ridiculous article.

    • Lynn says:

      I fully agree Dana-Lynn!!! Is Nicki Daniels saying she’s never followed a fashion trend? What’s wrong with wanting to look stylish? Men don’t have as many options as women when it comes to changing their look if they wish. I concur, I’m not a fan of facial hair either but who cares if someone wants to have a ‘certain look’?

      • AKGeo says:

        Your sense of humor called. It can’t reach you at your new number and it started punching digits randomly and got me. Odd that I’m reading your comment right now.

        Call it back, reconcile, and shut the fuck up.

    • Robert Baker says:

      Dana, just a word of advice. There is a thing called a Dictionary. Look up the word humor. If you need some help. PM me.

  207. None says:

    ref. Macklemore? ;P

  208. Shannon says:

    -SLOW CLAPPING-

  209. hypocrite says:

    Misandry 101.

    • AKGeo says:

      Wanting men to act like men and not women is misandrist?

      Sorry, but that’s the complete opposite of the general idea I get from misandry.

      • hypocritealert says:

        If telling women to “act like women” and get back in the kitchen (or whatever female stereotype you want to use) is misogyny, then telling men to “act like men” and go change tyres (or whatever male stereotype you want to use) is certainly misandry.

    • Gargamel says:

      No. If you want misandry, look no further than the legions of hipsters and radfems who are whining about this article. Hipsters are the biggest “White Knights” on the planet and often in the same circles as misandric radfems. Tumblr is a prime example of this crossover.

  210. Jake says:

    I have no idea why I got tagged in this but I read it. Maybe I was supposed to get a laugh out of it because I am a knuckle dragging, meat hunting and eating, semi Cro-mag, male who was forced to shave his beard due to grooming standards. But I appreciate knowing that there are women in this world that miss real men. My wife is one of only the few I have met that are her age, the rest think hipsters are dreamy and love that they wear their retardation knit hats off the back of their heads like a filled and distending rubber. Good article, keep it up.

  211. Jay says:

    Hipsters and their beards can keep their crapaccinos and their lattes. I think I might have bought something at Starbucks once in my life. I looked at it, asked “what the fuck is this?” and promptly left, never to return. I’m into heavy metal, tattoos, and horror. (And good sci-fi) And hipsters, I promise you my beard is bigger and gnarlier than yours. \m/

  212. q.rhoton says:

    so, do you have the perverbial “beard” of a woman .? you know, the one twix yer legs, or in yer pits? I’ve had a beard ,off and mostly on for 45 yrs, and yes some times it helped to soften the blow of the wind and chill when I worked for 11 seasons in Antarctica. most dudes that grow , or try to grow, face hair think its macho, but most of us that actually have had the nuts to live it, like it, and so do the gals who know who we are in real time, not some fern bar schmutzoids…………………….q

  213. Rachel Kiecana says:

    I’m going to have to agree with the author. This perfectly groomed beard thing is weird. I mean, if you’re all into the hipster thing, I dont care, but the beard trend has got to go. My boyfriend has a beard, but he is also a mechanic, drives a giant diesel truck, volunteers with the fire department, and hunts. It works for him. It’s a little weird seeing some guy in a bow tie, sipping a latte, and sporting a beard.

  214. *Bear* says:

    Too funny! Respect the beard!

  215. Jacob Chapman says:

    This generations overuse of the word “hipster” is fucking annoying. I don’t even have a beard and I think you are an ignorant twat.

  216. danpenguin says:

    This article really hit a nerve. The never right under my facial hair shrouded upper lip. I have a real problem with all of the expections placed on both sexes, eg, being a “real man” or a “real woman.” I don’t play sports, like whatever KCRW has on MBE and Oscar bait type flicks. “Philomena” looks awesome. FWIW I can grow amazing facial hair in various configurations whether it be a beard for six months after getting dumped by an ex, or the yearly ritual of Movember. I fetishize shaving implements like old Gillettes, straight razors and badger hair brushes and post regularly on a shaving forum. I like turning up Social Distortion’s version of “Making Believe” on the stereo when my wife and son aren’t home and sobbing uncontrollably. As I replied on my friend’s feed who posted this article with the comment “Nailed it”- I successfully hung a screen door recently. It wasn’t as easy as I thought and the framing job was shitty, but the door works and I feel damn good about it. I like finding things that feel “manly.” Shaving rituals, guitar solos, drills, grills, red meat and motherlovin’ facial hair.

    When feminism came along a lot of good stuff about traditional male roles got thrown out with the bathwater. We’re the generation that’s trying to figure out where we stand (both men and women).

    My son’s bris was the first one I’d ever been to. Until that point attending an event where a 7 day old newborn male gets his tiny weeny sliced wasn’t exactly on my bucket list. Was I afraid when the mohel sliced off his foreskin? Let’s just say my balls dropped further than when the rollercoaster went over the crest at Kingda Ka. But it was an incredible experience. An ancient ritual connecting him with countless generations of men. He became a jew that day. An arc was started that will extend to the day he becomes a bar mitzvah, to his wedding, and the day he’s buried in a plain pine box. Maybe he’ll get the genes that my forebearers gave me and he’ll be able to grow a thick ass beard. Maybe not. Either way: he is a boy and one day about a decade from now, he’ll be a man.

  217. CeeCeeME says:

    My goodness, apparently those bearded hipsters are uber-sensitive to boot!

  218. OHHHGARY says:

    Nicki Daniels is fucking HAWT, and she hit the nail on the head. So all you pussies should SHUT THE FUCK UP. One of the main reasons for growing a beard is to avoid facial maintenance. All or nothing, let it grow and bask in it’s disgusting glory.

  219. Brian says:

    Haha holy shit this is hilarious!

  220. James Vetzal says:

    “sometimes a cigar is just a douchebag”
    insta-classic, down with the hipster attitude, cannot stand the idea of hating something because it’s fashionable or liking something because it’s not in fashion, you are fucking sheep just the same if not worse because you are letting the sheep decide what you do, you are the slightly more confused sheep that the regular sheep herd around to shave when the farmers shave the regular sheep and the regular sheep now need a new coat of wool to keep warm.
    and you let them because if they want a coat now it’s cool not to have one.

    also though, if you think knowing what a hex bit (as calling it a wrench truly undercuts the usefulness of an actual wrench) is makes somebody a man, real men hate the fucking shit out of those useless stripping machines, i wish i could go back in time and force whoever came up with it to put together a warehouse worth of crappy ikea furniture.

    thanks for the chuckles xD

  221. Skegger says:

    She targeted the article to Bearded Hipsters. If you feel that title applies, and you took offense, perhaps a bitchy response is in order. And the loop continues…

  222. Sebastian Wiers says:

    Yeah… beards, manly? No thanks, I’ll stick with my crew cut and clean shave. Looks good on job interviews, and that’s how a man hunts these days. Also easy to clean after a weekend of working on the hobbies I enjoy (which means using much funner tools than hammers and allen wrenches).

    • Real beards on real men ARE manly. Crew cuts are old and tired unless you are in the military. I’m guessing you can’t even grow a real beard. Have a face devoid of facial hair and a crew cut, why you could be Annie Lennox back in her early Eurythmics days. My beard didn’t stop me from landing a job on the first interview I had after quitting bartending and my boss has creditied me with saving his company (is that manly? hmmm). Any guy can be clean shaven, but not any guy can grown a beard that denotes power, testosterone and sexiness.

  223. Tommy says:

    I love you Nicki Daniels. Spot on.

  224. Steph says:

    Hilarious! Saved my eve! Thanks! Loved it and I’m completely with you!!!

  225. Beard Guy says:

    I took slight offense to lumping beer brewers into the hipster mold, but i’ll let it slide as i am more than your average homebrewer. I pride myself on being able to do, build, and fix anything. In recent years i’ve worn a healthy beard during the winter for just the reason stated above. I hate the cold, and the beard helps keep my face warm. But this year so far i’ve been shaving, because again, I don’t want to be lumped in with the unoriginal douchebag hipsters that seem to have never shaved in their life. Skinny jeans and a beard do not complement each other, and i hope this beard trend dies so i can go back to being awesome.

  226. Bill says:

    “And then there are the uber PC people waiting to jump down someones throat with a misdirected attack dressed up as if it were some moral defense”
    – YES!

    The irony here is.. all the nasty reactions are from people who are living up to her humorous antagonism of.hipsters and anti-anti-uber-pc pricks. Get over yourselves.

  227. Brian says:

    Having owned a beard for at least the past dozen years, and recently receiving the gift of a bow-tie (Dr. Who says ‘bow ties are cool’, so why not?) I did LOL at this.

    I think I shall lie on my futon and weep now.

  228. dan says:

    Freud had a beard. Analyze that…..suckkaaaz.

  229. TotalHipster=Awesome32 says:

    Thank you so much for writing this article! As a graphic designer who has grown a beard mostly to fit the job description, this was a real eye opener. I did some soul searching and body searching and found that I in fact have a vagina and am not a man at all. What was I thinking with this beard? I’ve never even skinned an elk or chopped down a tree larger than my wrist. Thanks to your wonderful insights I now know my place and will start shaving my face (and legs). I’d hate to confuse any man-lusting women into thinking that I may be able to build them a chair or get them pregnant.

    Well I’m off to the coffee shop for a latte! Thanks!

  230. Jesse says:

    Who are you to tell the world who is and isnt allowed to grow a beard and how they should groom themselves. I can tell that you think you know everything but you should try and be less narrow-minded.

    • Robert Baker says:

      Jesse, do you understand the word humor? It is right before Hummus in the Urban cool dude dictionary. PM me if you need some help finding it.

      • Candy says:

        Robert, have you tried looking it up? Because this is your second attempt and you seem to fail at it.

        • Robert Baker says:

          Gee Candy. Thanks for your heartfelt concern. It warmed my heart. I really don’t need to look it up since it was on my Third grade reading list and that was some years ago for me. Do not worry though dear heart, when you get to 3rd grade they will teach you big girl words too. Kisses.

  231. eric says:

    all of you with your handmade panties in a bunch need to chill. I can’t believe how vicious some of you can be towards the author. What an extreme over reaction to an article that wasn’t meant to be taken so seriously. Yes anyone is entitled to grow a beard, and yes this article points towards a double standard of sexism, but the point was not to try to create boundaries of what constitutes being a man. It was an expression of her preference, (imo)with a light hearted jab at the hipsters, which in her defense is spot on. I for one am tired of the look that most describes me (minus the horn rim glasses and adding the fact that I can work with my hands and do for a living) being made into a joke. But the level of disrespect and personal attacks i’ve read on here is way outrageous and unnecessary. There is a lot of overcompensating to try to show manhood in some of these posts, which if it were me would be a total turn off rather than a redemption back into manliness. And then there are the uber PC people waiting to jump down someones throat with a misdirected attack dressed up as if it were some moral defense, You all need to go focus that on something that actually matters rather than bash a writer for expressing here opinion on a topic. Its so easy to just find, in even the silliest of writings, something to get upset about, but I would hope if you truly are on a crusade against sexism or gender stereotyping that this would be an exit you decide to pass on your way to the REAL battle. Get over it!

    • My Muted Voice says:

      Ditto. I don’t understand how people can take something like this so personally. And even so, the harsh, horrible lash outs on here are worse than anything these same people are accusing The author of doing. Get a grip people.

  232. rdube02 says:

    I feel the same way about ugly women who bother wearing makeup, but would never write an article about it. Kudos to you for being so open about how superficial you are.

  233. George Bruno says:

    Stop commenting. My f-ing inbox is exploding from everybody’s comments. ANOTHER reason to hate WordPress and love blogspot.

  234. Adam says:

    YOU DON’T HAVE A BEARD FETISH, YOU HAVE DADDY ISSUES

  235. “if I saw a bearded man it was safe to assume certain things about him. Like, he probably owned a hammer. Or washed his hair with a bar of Irish Spring. His beard was probably scented with motor oil and probably had remnants of last night’s chili in it.”

    Those are some interesting assumptions. I always assume a weak chin.

  236. Michael says:

    Nicely done. The world seems to be filling up with posers whose mommy didn’t teach them how to dress and daddy didn’t teach them how to shave. Maybe when this whole “Zac Brown” thing has run its course, we can get back to the proper balance of things. As far as the detractors are concerned: My dad used to say “If you throw a rock into a pack of dogs, chances are the one that yelps is the one you hit”.

    • Chad says:

      As much as you white-knight her Michael, she’s not going to sleep with you.

      • Michael says:

        That’s just offensive to me and to the author. You obviously have some issues you need to deal with. I suggest you find some place other than a public forum to work this out.

  237. Mark says:

    Looks up from his plate of hot venison sausage with hot sauce….grunt approval….goes back to eating.

  238. Tim says:

    Sweet. I passed your test. I grow a beard because I can. Now, my beard is almost to my nipples, so there is shampoo and conditioner used…there’s no need for bad hygiene (there’s only so times you can pull dried up sour cream from the baked potato you had last night from the hairs on the corner of your mouth before it becomes rancid and disgusting). However; I own many (different sized) hammers. I work outside around noise and bad smells. AND I drink home brewed coffee.
    Now, I agree. There are some pretty greasy face sweaters out there. But one must remember, that a man does not simply grow a beard; we grow INTO our beards. Give those fledgling chin pants an opportunity to become beard worthy. If you hear anything like “this pumpkin spice latte is delicious” or “last night on Big Brother…”, you’re probably looking at a chatch. Trust your gut.

  239. nursewithabeard says:

    Im a nurse and have saved lives and have a beard… does that make me less of a man?
    Stop judging people

  240. Me says:

    You don’t have a beard fetish, you have a “manly-man with a beard” fetish.

  241. New Fackin' Englandah says:

    I don’t grow that much of a beard anymore, but seriously. I cook for a living and like to go hunting. I’m from Maine. I feel entitled to a beard when I do decide to grow one. But one thing I’ll never bother to do is compete with or adjust for what hipsters do in their overpriced coffee shops. It’s a good day if I don’t even see one.

  242. Kenny P says:

    Brilliant. I think if I had failed your test, I wouldn’t have liked the blog post. However, it was pretty easy so you saved my ego…a fragile thing even in manly men.

    To all the folks responding to this post in a negative fashion; there is something wrong with you.

  243. PancakesGalore says:

    Just another sexist blogger masquerading as a comedian.

  244. Cecily says:

    She lost me with “nancyboys” and “giant pussy” – personally, I thought it was a very sexist piece.

  245. It’s the new generation women (20-35) who sissified the men with beards. I am sorry if I offend some, but it’s true.

  246. mirko says:

    Niki, I hope you’re a dress wearing lady who does nothing but cook clean and have children… stop being such a hypocrite. Move out of the city and find yourself a real man.

  247. Guy says:

    So much butt hurt in these comments.

  248. JM Gauthier says:

    I loved the article
    I hate hipsters, and Leonardo-di-faggio actors, we have to outsource to Australia/UK and NZ for real mean now .
    Will you marry me Girl, you and your article were a dream…
    and yes, Im a gun owning, oil changing, car repairing type who onws his own business, and a writer too!
    Hugz
    JMG

  249. monster221 says:

    beards used to be for men too busy working and doing what they want in life to shave. now they are for boys who want a shortcut method to masculinity because they havent the ambition to persue a more rigorous, difficult, real path to true masculinity.

    so thats why i shave. because beards are for boys with something to prove. and i shave with a rusty straight blade and unfiltered, unadulterated water. like a man.

  250. Tyler Pharaoah says:

    Yeah! Those candy-assed hipsters should be clean shaven at all times, so we can tell whose a pussy, and whose not. I hate it when I can’t categorize someone effectively based on their appearance!

    What I’m trying to say is, this article is bigoted trash.

  251. Kazza says:

    Beards are only for ZZ-Top and lumberjacks. Nobody else qualifies.

  252. Diesel D. says:

    1]I don’t know what beard oil is and refuse to look it up.
    2] I only trim my beard when it begins to impede the mastication process.
    3] Yesterday I swapped the starter on a Semi truck, picked my son up from daycare and still managed to take the wife out for supper and a beer.

  253. How is it that women are encouraged to explore new roles of femininity, but men have to adhere to archaic models of masculinity if they want to still “be a man”? This doesn’t seem fair to me.

  254. casey yanicko says:

    Did this make anyone else want too caveman nikki daniels without even seeing her photo ?

  255. The author misses the real reason why manly men men have beards. Because shaving is tedious and wastes time that could be spent building log cabins, grinding exhaust valves and changing tires for ladies on the sides of highways.

    A beard is a crime of omission… you don’t commit a beard unless you’re a hipster. The kind of person that thinks a comb-over can be ironic. Yes, I’ve seen them.

  256. jackson says:

    so fuck you I bet you can’t do shit with anything you so before you right another article about us bearded do an actually statistics for it and show proof. but until then it is just an matter of opinion and no one gives a righteous fuck about your opinion. but in mine opinion your the biggest bitch that ruled this earth

    • Aaron says:

      hahaha, wow, so much butt-hurt. this letter obviously hit close to this pansy-assed nancy boy’s heart. tons of people share her opinion, nobody likes hipsters. i wish one day you scrawny assed, twinkle-toed fuckers would get so light in your loafers, you just floated off this planet. go drink your overpriced, girly coffee. dont forget your slippers, skinny jeans, retarded looking knit beanie, and scarf.

    • Yall so stoopid says:

      Are Jason and Jackson the same person? Two posts six minutes apart. Same stupid sentiment. Same complete lack of ability to finish or even start a coherent and complete train of thought and then put it to writing. By the way, Jackson, next time use the right write.

    • Chris says:

      wow, what a vitriolic and illiterate reply. You should go back to third grade.

  257. jason says:

    this is one of most fucking stupid article I have read. Get your facts straight most people with beards can do all that shit because their parents have raised them right. and if they don’t they can always learn its not that damn hard. I f you weren’t so damn judgemental on people maybe you might be a better person . oh ya one more thing they say don’t judge a book by its cover and that’s exactly what your doing so go hide under a bridge and read on stereotyping people then right a article . wait tho if you read on it you would be so damn judgemental.

  258. Thor31 says:

    The beard is a sacred thing. I, in the most literal terms, have chopped down trees with an axe, and have been slapped across the face by a bear. I can appreciate a good beard when I see one, however the author is completely correct. A beard is a sign of manliness, in the most primitive of forms; the very same way femininity is expressed in cup size and hip to booty ratio. It’s a shame so many douchebags rock a beard, yet have no idea what it represents. Hipsters in general are a sin, and the fact that they have adopted the bearded manly look is nothing short of insulting to those of us who only know coffee as coffee, and know how to change every variety of tire. Thanks for posting, end rant.

    • PancakesGalore says:

      But why should only men be changing the tires…? Why are we limiting what can be masculine and what can be feminine in such boring, 1-dimensional terms? I can wear makeup AND change a tire. I know how to change the oil in my car. I even replaced the alternator with minimal help from a shade tree mechanic. I like the idea of a bearded man who writes poetry and can make me a damn good coffee because I’m secure in myself as a woman, and I know I can do the other stuff on my own. I’m an adult. I don’t need to be protected or taken care of.

    • Jeff Oscar says:

      I agree one hundred percent. I’m a 6’7″ tall 235lb black man from the City of New Orleans and beards have always been a part of my male bloodline. Strong,confident and masculine. Now these pretty face bastards with not a true ounce of manliness in them walk around with beards that make them look like they can conquers he world while they walk around with an actual human trend as girlfriends. I’M TALKING ABOUT YOU ASIAN WOMEN. The fact that any real woman would be interested in guys who wears the camouflage of real men is not only disrespectful to men like me who have earned the right to have a beard. It’s like playing dress up in your mom’s clothes. You were no closer to being a woman then and you wearing an unearned beard has you no closer to being a real man now. Blasphemers!!

  259. Matt says:

    I’m saddened by the truth in this article. So many vivacious and lustrous beards out there that have to phone for help to install a spare tire on the highway. Let alone have the ability to fetch your keys from a locked car or silence a squeaky door. Hopefully more than a few beards will person thanks to your article. Keep the faith. Real men with grisly beards and perpetually warm hands are out there just waiting for a damsel in distress.

  260. millivillainy says:

    And all you “go you for expressing your opinion” commenters, you’re kind of hypocrites. She can say all hipsters should shave, but you guys can’t just let those dudes grow beards in peace

  261. millivillainy says:

    Why not just let who wants to have a beard have a fucking beard. While this was a pretty funny post that I can see the frustration behind and understand, its also bitchy and shallow. If you want a manly man, maybe you should get to know the man under the beard. This is just like some guy who thinks only feminine girls should be allowed to wear makeup and the butch ones need to go plainfaced for identification purposes. Stop judging people on their looks.

    • PancakesGalore says:

      Thank you. I love men with a beard, but I don’t particularly care if they can lift 300 lbs and change my tire for me. I can do that shit on my own because it’s 2014 and I’m a grown ass woman. Well… I can’t lift 300 lbs, but you know what I mean.

    • Billy Dee Williams says:

      Your dumb

      • dug says:

        You’re*. Seriously, is it that fucking hard to compose yourself in a half-intelligent way when attempting an insult someones intelligence? Perhaps you could write an explanation as to why you think they’re dumb? Of course not, that would require effort.

    • Jeff Oscar says:

      Well stop wearing the look of real men. And there would be no confusion and she stated that. Once she gets to know the guys behind those beards they turn out to not be anyone worthy of having it and if you are that up in arms I’m pretty sure you’re the douchebag she is talking about

  262. Sarah says:

    An Allen wrench is the pinky sized tool for tightening IKEA furniture. Hipsters know what an Allen wrench is.

  263. Paula says:

    Why does a man have to prove his ‘supposed’ manliness before growing his facial hair? It’s like saying a woman is only feminine if she wears makeup. This kind of thinking is what creates masculinity problems in society. Sure, everyone hates a hipster, but let’s not make beards a right that has to be earned by changing tires.

    • john says:

      i think the point is that these hipsters are useless pseduo-men who “play” at being men and all wise and shit. but the moment they don’t get attention or life gets too “real” for them, they hind behind their $4000 macbook pro’s and cookie-cutter tattoos.

    • carsen says:

      The funny thing about “everyone hates a hipster” is that the defining factor of being a hipster is hating what’s “mainstream” (conforming through non-conformity). Yet the author of this post is hating on beards entering (or re-entering) into mainstream male fashion. In effect, she is acting like a hipster, albeit mixing it with some pretty screwed up views on gender roles.

      The way people choose to express themselves often (not always) can reveal things about our personality types, interests, etc. It’s valid for her to point out that beards have expanded in popularity beyond the sub-populations that they once used to be loosely limited to. It’s quasi-valid for her to point out IF she, personally, has a problem understanding people beyond this one single social clue they put out (although, c’mon!). Where it becomes problematic is where she begins to denigrate people who don’t fit into her preferred social group. We still have a long way to go with this with women who are regularly told that their primary source of value is in their appearance (being skinny, large-breasted, long slender legs, etc), but society is waking up to the fact that defining a woman’s worth by measuring it to “ideals” that are both unrealistic and arbitrary is detrimental to our young girls (on up through the rest of their lives). In that sense a post like this on women (stating requirements of a certain waist and bust size, height, etc in order to be a “real woman”), would be seen as unacceptable. But we’re not there yet with men, unfortunately. It’s still socially acceptable to openly tell boys and men that they are “less than” if they don’t fit arbitrary requirements to “be a man.” Until we learn to teach that value comes from being the person YOU ARE, we’ll continue to do real damage to our children. An applicable watch: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hc45-ptHMxo

      • Candy says:

        Brilliant.

      • dug says:

        I agree totally. I get that the article is all for a laugh with an underlying truth from the authors perspective, but the strange trend I’m seeing here is when someone brings up their opinion on why they disagree, they get swamped by fanboys and get told to “shut the fuck up”. Is that where we’re at right now? We can’t even have a discussion about this shit without someone resorting to calling names and ridiculing differing opinions? Are we in grade school still? An opposing opinion does not signify that they are always butt-hurt; it’s called conversation, children.

  264. Stacy says:

    This is so funny and I am shocked that it has pissed so many people off. LOLOL

  265. boozedealer says:

    Nicki, I can totally chop down trees with my teeth, victoriously wrestle wild Brooklyn elephants after I’ve downed a bottle of Pappy Van Winkle, grind fresh coffee beans for your latte between my firm @#&! cheeks (hell, I’ll even roast those beans in the roaster I built in the new makerspace in Flatbush), change all eight tires on my totally fucking rad eight-wheeler without a jack, and brew you the best Imperial stout in the world. Oh, and I have a beard. Call me, k?

    • Brooklyn Elefant says:

      @boozedealer, no offense, but Nikki’s mine. I have a reel job that can support her and her kid–not some shite barista in a shite cafe in shanty town USA who obviously spends countless hours (during his infinite leisure time) experimenting putting misc stuff up his bung-hole to check check how firm his cheeks are. All tell you what, nancyboy, bring your monthly allowance check and meet me in williamburg outside your “gritty” cafe and we’ll put on the gloves and duke it out. winner gets the check and loser gets a bottle of Van winkle busted over his head. oh! it rhymes

      • Boozedealer says:

        @Brooklyn Sorry mate, but I wouldn’t be caught dead in Williamsburg these days. Everyone who knows (i.e., all us bearded hipsters) what’s hip knows that Red Hook is where it’s at. And, for your knowledge, I’m not a barista. I’m a mixologist at a cocktail joint so underground we don’t even have a name. Oh, and the only gloves I have are cashmere-lined leather gloves. If I win, you have to promise to pay for any cleaning fees associated with blood on my gloves.

  266. JMC813 says:

    Howzabout the hockey playoff beard? I am not a beard guy, but have done that one. Not to look manly, not to impress chicks, but as a way to show loyalty and a camaraderie with my favorite team. And Grooming a beard? Just keep it hygienically clean is enough for me. No birds nests or unwelcomed guests and I will be just fine thank you. I had no idea the being metrosexual had invaded the bearded population as well. That is just wrong. Now if you’ll excuse me I have a T-Rex to bring down with my primitive yet almighty hammer. LMAO. Loved this post. Keep Inspiring

    John (JMC)

    • New Fackin' Englandah says:

      Playoff beards don’t seem to apply here — and may that always be the case.

      • JMC813 says:

        New Fackin’ Englandah? Would that by chance mean you would be a Bruins fan? Being from San Jose I am first and foremost a Sharks fan, but the B’s are my second and only other choice. Big fan of Zdeno Chara. So if your a Hockey fan awesome, and if not, disregard my ramblings. I am a hockey nut tho. Purest, and best team sport ever invented. I can feel this years playoff beard starting to itch already. LOL

  267. Cliff Traiman says:

    Holy shit! I think I love you!

  268. It’s funny how many people comment here, about 1. How wrong it is for you to express your opinion. and 2. Trying to convince you that they are the masculine, deserved wearer of a beard. An interesting social experiment!

  269. dz says:

    you must live in Brooklyn hahah!

  270. Serge says:

    Awesome. I laughed. Although for the record I do not rock a beard but I can skin and eat an animal, I can fix and build whatever I put my hands on. Fu seriously, fuck trendy hipsters.

  271. Josh Kern says:

    Do all these sensitive bastards not understand what a sarcastic, wry witted rant is? She is absolutely right by the way. The idea of a beard has lost its prestige, its honor; its dignity. The beard has sunk so low as reality TV. Seriously? Fucking Whisker Wars? Now I’ll admit to thoroughly enjoying Australian rock band “The Beards” and their seemingly endless melodies and missives about muttonchops, mustaches, and masculinity. But the beard as a cutesy fad is quite irritating. I have a beard because shaving irritates my skin. This beard represents a symbol of my individuality and my belief in personal freedom. This beard tells the world I have accepted certain inevitabilities in life that are not worth resisting. But most of all I have a beard because I’m not trying to impress anybody, I’m honest about who I am and I wear it on my face.

  272. BT says:

    Go cook a meal after washing the clothes and ironing some shirts, woman. Oh and get us a beer while at it.

    (How’s that for sexism as a response to your idiotic sexism?)

  273. Chelsea says:

    Oh my god, this is so funny and on-point I was laughing to the point of goosebumps. Living in Melbourne, I’m faced amongst this phenomena on a DAILY basis. I’m so glad someone has clearly (and publicly) written on this issue!

    • Moriarty says:

      Chelsea, me too right! Nikki is amazing. Expressed it all so well!!!!
      And there are so many similar examples waiting to be explored. Like all those women with small boobs. So irritating right. They totally ruin my breast fetish. Parading around proudly with little bee strings as if God himself intended all women to look like prepubescent boys. or even WORSE, is those idiotic women who go and get their boyfriends to pay for huge fake boobs, thereby posing as REAL women, when they in fact have no idea how to cook, polish shoes, or truly satisfy a man sexually. I mean, talk about ANNOYING! So yeah, right on Nikki. RESPECT. look forward to the follow up on REAL femininity.

  274. Sid says:

    Just for reference, beards are not just for keeping your face warm. They are actually great at keeping yourself cool in the summer.

  275. 369 says:

    This is the first time I’ve read your blog. It came up in my Facebook feed today with this hipster beard thingy you wrote. It’s cool, but I think since you openly state that you’re “not political” you might have missed something. In one breath you showed us how dangerous it can be when a man decides you’re not womanly enough and wants to change your boobs to “fix” you, and, in the next breath you use your platform to decry a lack of masculinity in men and whether they should be allowed to wear their face however the fuck they want. Your ex boyfriend ruined your body and caused you a lot of pain. There are men in this country who have been beaten to death for being perceived as not manly enough, for being gay. Do you see how that’s a problem? When we start telling men that they can’t look how they want because it doesn’t fit your sense of masculinity, we’re feeding that. It’s maybe a little more political than you like to get with this blog and since I don’t read it regularly I can’t tell yet. This topic, gender, isactually quite political. Like it or not. Stuff like this reads to me like unintentional fodder for people who are homophobic, sexist and really mean about this shit. Just sayin. I bet the rest of your blog is great because your voice rocks and you’re easy with language. I’ll have to find out on my own.

    • Aged Bearded Hipster says:

      Perfectly stated. Thank you. I had the same reaction but won’t even try to restate what you’ve said so well.

  276. Bharath says:

    I pissed my pants laughing when I read this. I live in the Silverlake/Echo Park area in LA a.k.a hipster Mecca. This whole article was so spot on I couldn’t control myself. Nice work!
    I have to admit though, I too sport a beard, but not as a fashion statement, more as a product of my laziness. As a man of Indian heritage, we suffer this problem where we get our 5 o’clock shadows by 9 in the morning. So shaving every other day is really out of the question (and annoying). On the bright side I don’t own (or intend to own) plaid shirts, horn-rimmed glasses or any other hipster paraphernalia, so I survived the hipster epidemic.

    As for your next blog, I strongly suggest you should research hipster language and their use of buzzwords. Living among hipsters I’ve come to notice they throw around a lot of random buzz words like quantum, multi-causal, entangled, quasi-static without actually knowing what any of this shit means. Like beards annoy you, as a scientist, misplaced buzzwords annoy the fuck out of me. Like the masculinity facade, I’m not sure if this phenomena can be attributed to the erudition facade. Every time I hear a hipster use some asinine buzzword out of context, I feel like I should slap some sense into them, but then again, I refrain. I hope you can voice my rage to the rest of the world.

    Cudos on a job well done!

  277. Reed Kinne says:

    I grew my beard out 10 years ago to be different. Now, I feel like I have to shave it to be different. My fiancee shares your taste so she will not let me shave it. That is why I put a ring on it.

  278. timbearcub says:

    LOL yes – LOVE this post (gay bear here, so all you saying it’s homophobic or doing some strange mansplaining, quit yer bitching, it isn’t and it’s very funny…not sure why everyone has to lay down their Man Cards either. WTF?)

    I literally get death stares from hipsters. DEATH. STARES. Why? Because I’ve had a beard for 23 years, it’s long, unkempt, only gets shampoo near it if it’s lucky. They either smell a threat or that I’m somehow bringing down their Hipster Beard Index (-10, Nikkei, -23 FTSE) or realise I was the original who used to get insults about my beard constantly when it wasn’t ‘cool’ and their posturing is BS. I avoid Shoreditch in London for this very reason…the scowls get me down.

    The funny thing is they keep COPYING ME. For decades, been into Victorian wear (check!), kilts, (baseball caps – although trucker hats are too much bubba drag for me, ditto plaid – Scroobius Pip meant I had to stop wearing mine cos the constant idiot comments got too much), waistcoasts, top hats (I have two vintage hats, bowler hat and silk topper)…ironic T’s etc. Hate horn rims/those massive Mad Men glasses, don’t do bow ties as they are too much to tie…love tweed/suits and caps, and I used to be a graphic designer…I saw this coming in the places I worked…

    I don’t really care what people think I look like, but the piercings/tats/beards on men half my age to me look like affectation, and make me feel a little strange. On one side, strangely current, and slightly flattered on the other side, makes me want to run away in the opposite direction as fast as I can….I try not to make it stop me doing what I’ve always liked to do, but still…some things have been ditched. I could do the ultimate hipster thing of crying FIRST but I won’t because I’m not. I’ve already been accused of being Nathan Barley twice in my life, rather not go there again.

    I tend to underdress nowadays and be anti-fashion….I’m waiting for them to get bored and go all preppy again so I can have fun without someone shouting STEAMPUNK at me and expecting not be be hit/scowled at. Which is a shame, because I love eccentric clothing, but with all these unicycling topper wearing idiots it makes trying to be a good British Eccentric all that harder.

  279. barrytramer says:

    i agree. and if you opinion differs from the person who wrote this. go read something else and dont waste your own breath telling them how you disagree…. (they dont care) :)

  280. David says:

    I passed. Whew! I can keep my beard. I wash my beard with shampoo and use coconut oil to moisturize it. There’s always food in my beard. I don’t drink much coffee. I own an Allen wrench and a hammer. I’m also gay, and too old to be a hipster. ;-)

  281. Ryan says:

    Wonderful article, it truly highlights the need for women to judge men based on their looks, and our disappointment in men for fooling us through their attempts of “self-expression”.

    Clearly as you stated, beards are for manly-men and manly-men only. Ha ha ha ha ha! I get it because that stereotype is so true. And that part about you being a cave woman so now you want a guy with a beard so you can stay at home with your boobs is SOOOOO on point. Im like “why can’t all women get that?”. Dude, you nailed it. Great job

  282. hamscotch says:

    You’d see a beard and assume certain things?

    There was a time where men would see a woman and assume she had no aspirations past being a good wife, having four thousand babies and making a lovely dinner for her husband.

    I don’t know about you, but that’s definitely not true for me. So unless you want all women to be shoved in the same box, I suggest you avoid doing it to men because it is just as ridiculous.

    It’s as blatantly sexist to promote that men should be stereotypically ‘manly’ as it is to assume women should be typically ‘feminine’. Absolutely bloody stupid. Ugh. Everything about this article is childish, whiny and irritating. Maybe you’re happy to be a little wifey type (although if we were stuck back in an era of ‘manly men’ I doubt you’d have access to the internet, let alone your own blog), and that’s fine. But don’t bash on other people for not conveniently fitting in nice little labelled boxes for your ease of assumption.

    Ugh.

  283. rory says:

    This was great writing and hilarious. Whether you meant it or not doesn’t matter. It was funny. Now let’s see how many angry hipsters with man-boobs powered by soy get upset in 3, 2, 1….

  284. Mark Stark says:

    I hear you. I survided the goatee (aka Sheriff of Nothingham beard) and I will get through the hipster beard (aka lumberjack beard).

  285. Sachin says:

    Wow and LOL at all of the angry, misguided posts that follow. Way to “breed positivity” you miserable fools. I found this post hilarious.

  286. Claire Morgan says:

    Maybe you’ll find a big masculine bearded guy and he’ll beat the shit out of you because that’s how men used to assert dominance.

  287. lololol says:

    lol bunch of sexist tripe right here. perhaps you should spend less time hating people who don’t live up to your warped expectations and more time figuring out where your weird gendered ideals come from. it just might make you a better person. then again, anyone who uses hipster – the most meaningless moniker – as a generic insult is likely a lost cause.

  288. linc says:

    I’m not a dickbag, so I don’t grow a beard. I shave daily to remain ironic.

  289. logan says:

    You there, you are awesome and that is some funny shit.

    keep writing

  290. Eli says:

    I’m shocked that so many have found this offensive. It’s funny! Lighten up! Why be so sensitive…oh wait, are you the sensitive beard-wearing hipster of which she’s speaking? You’re only perpetuating the stereotype.

  291. Kain says:

    I think someone’s boyfriend can’t grow a beard…

  292. Donald says:

    Hey I agree if you don’t smell like motor oil what are you doin? Damn man pansies.

  293. Dusty says:

    I have a beard. Check. I don’t own or really know what beard..care? Products are. Check. No clue what an Americano is. I assume it is coffee. I only drink coffee black. Checkmate. I think I fit the description.

  294. jeff says:

    Some of you guys need to chill out. Spend less time on the internet and more time killing shit with your bare hands and chopping wood or something.

    That being said, the best part of having a real beard? The snow donut you get on a nice cold powder day snowboarding in the Canadian backcountry. Nothing warms the cheeks like a nice layer of beard/ice.

  295. Monty says:

    Whoa! Look at all the whiny, pussy-beard-toting faggots. She’s right. If you can describe what a macchiato consists of, shave your beard and keep your day job at Starbucks ya big fairies.

  296. I’m not sure what everyone else’s problem seems to be (mostly because I don’t care), but I loved this post. I’m a man with a beard, and the most I do to groom it is to reign in the edges when I start looking a little too ‘murder is my hobby’-ish.

    Keep writing, and don’t let the haters getcha down. Jordan…*drops mic*…OUT.

  297. Brandon The Infantryman says:

    Love it

  298. Chantal says:

    Wow, that’s pretty sexist…. I get the fact that it’s exaggerated for the sake of humor, but still, it’s not exactly clever enough, in my opinion of course. to mask the bitterness this person may feel about “hipsters” in general. I find that naturally skinny, “wimpy,” guys want/need to attract the same/opposite sex too and traditionally stronger and fitter men are generally considered more physically attractive. So “hipsters” create their superficial (first glance) look based on fashion. The trendy look gives them an obvious edge on the competition. I like the fact that guys that probably got teased in high school for being physically inferior, have now embraced how they naturally look and found a way to feel good about themselves. Stereotypes about either sex are kind of ridiculous, if you consider that there are all types of all people, every variation exists.

  299. Jon Glascoe says:

    Bravo, sister, bravo. I am heartened to know that there are still REAL women out there who eschew metrosexual dandies in favor of REAL men. And write about it cleverly, to boot.

  300. Jolie Michele says:

    This article is awesome and I am jealous that you have haters. Is that a weird thing to be jealous of? I think so, too. Anyway, again, love the letter I think it was quite humorous and I hope you don’t let the haters get you down. They’re just buggin’.

  301. Drea Tunnell says:

    Response to Amelia M:

    What is her point? This shit is funny- that’s the point. I am well aware that we have many ”important issues in the world” but articles like this are not “just wrong”. I believe they are necessary. If a person is offended by this then it’s their own damn fault. You seem very upset. I’m sure you’re feeling more outraged than the author did when she wrote this. Sometimes a sarcastic or ridiculous rant is just what I need to feel better and to take me away from the sad, serious facts of life. I think you’re response to this and the fact that you hashtagged it “stupidity” makes you the one who is negative. I do wish that you could have enjoyed this.

  302. HCP says:

    I’m a big fan of gender equality and all… but this is so funny. And honestly, if you thought the Old Spice commercials were funny, then you ought to like this.

  303. forrest says:

    Dear Ladies,

    i can’t grow a beard to save my gawd*mn life. Hell, most 4th graders grow better mustaches by noon than i’ll show by months end.

    But i can change your gawd*mn tire. Hell i’ll rebuild your car engine. i can shoot sh*t and field strip/clean/rebuild a gun by the time you finish a glass of wine. i’ll weld crap cars together. i’ve had enough stitches and broken bones for Evel Kneivel to give me a high five. i’ll sweat the copper pipes in your house and rebuild the bearded hipster’s bicycle before he can figure out what the hell the T handled allen wrench is. And i sure as hell know how to open the door and take the car out of the snow and warm it up for you. Sh*t, last weekend i busted the chops of some douchewhistle that hit a girl at a bar. True story.

    i bet my ancestors were tougher cause they wrestled bears naked, smooth as a baby’s *ss, and still hung that bastard on the cave wall, covered their frozen smooth bits with it’s pelt.

    Don’t be a hater. Smoothies need love too. When the facial wombat fashion show burns out like Lindsay Lohan, we’re ahead of the curve.

    Signed,
    Smooth Faced Man Dude (SFMD)

  304. Aaron says:

    A real man wouldn’t respond to this blog post, crying like a baby – about how it is ‘immature’ and ‘stupid’. If they were offended they would simply brush it off un-phased. Not stoop to complaining and moaning (that’s the woman’s domain) Instead the ‘Men’ responding are probably sat in Starbucks on their Macbook airs, outraged, sipping from their chi latté.

    Enjoy being pussies.

  305. Soctane says:

    This coming from a gender that has worn fake everything for centuries. I’m over you, too.

  306. I LOVE THIS FUCKIN ARTICLE!!! As a knuckle dragging, native hipsterhater from the central core nexus of pussification, Brooklyn NYC, I salute you.

  307. This was hilarious. Thanks a ton for it!
    I can’t believe the people who are getting all up in arms about it. It’s humor people, deal. Do you get as bat-shit crazy because of the Jon Stewart show? No. (because that’s also humor!)
    Maybe it’s because i’m a bearded man who hunts, has a woodshop, and cures giant hanks of meat in the air in my basement, but i totally approve this message.
    (Hipsters don’t brew beer. The beer they drink is pbr from a can. always from a can.)

  308. *Bear* says:

    Reblogged this on IronBearFitness and commented:
    I once had an epic ZZ Top beard and I actually own me some Allen wrenches. Macchiato and Americano, What the fuck??? Nicki makes an excellent point. And, what is up with theses pencil thin beards? Be a man and grow a proper beard or shave. Peace ~ Bear

  309. I find your opinion to be, like all other opinions, fully valid, but your execution of this written piece is deeply obnoxious and insulting. I am not sure which I dislike most: your ignorant upholding of traditional gender stereotypes, judgmental assumptions based on appearances, use of derogatory and offensive language, close-minded views of those who make life choices you don’t understand or endorse, or just the fact that this is a piece dedicated to calling out a large number of people for the faults you perceive, apparently because they don’t fit your dating expectations from before you knew what puberty was.

    This type of article is unquestionably condemned, and rightly so, when male writers seek to inform women how they should look and behave in order to be desirable or even just decent members of Womanhood, so perhaps you should think more carefully the next time you sit down to furiously peck out an article. People might get the impression you are a sexist, regressive, bitter and negative individual otherwise.

    (PS: I’m a gay hipster with a beard and I can change a tire, the headlights in my car, chop wood, catch, gut, clean and cook a fish as part of a dinner party menu better than anything you could imagine, run half-marathons, discuss world politics, literature and espresso beverages, and eat truffle fries without getting aioli anywhere but where it belongs. Hell, I couldn’t find a coffee or console table that matched what I wanted to buy, so I went to a hardware store and MADE them exactly like I wanted. Oh, and I look fashionable and sexy doing any of the above. But you, personally, certainly wouldn’t expect that by looking at me, given your shallow and narrow-minded views of the world around you. Give people more credit and hope they do the same for you.)

    • Robert Baker says:

      Matt, you actually look hot while making a coffee and console table and cleaning a fish at the same time? Dude that rocks! You are like a combination of Tim The Toolman, Grizzly Adams and Liberace! The guys must line up to bask in your awesomeness!

  310. joel says:

    OPEN LETTER TO NICKI

    Dear Nicki, you lost me at ‘Dear B..’
    The lack of facial hair surrounding your words was too distracting…

    …. sorry only bearded people can authoritatively talk about beards, so what you said was no good.

    A good rule of thumb when it comes to people discussing beards is, “No Beard, No Good.” http://youtu.be/RmFnarFSj_U <— proof

    Have a good day and may you bless the beards that meet you.

    Joel – a good man with a good beard.

  311. Lolz says:

    Dear Nicki

    It’s not our fault that you are a lesbo bitch who doesn’t know what she wants in live.
    We’ll grow whatever we want and you can respectfully fuck yourself :)

    Regards
    A guy with a beard

  312. James Cichocki says:

    Someone just got dumped by a bearded guy… poor sad you… you know what’s worse? Your writing…

  313. bob_j says:

    This is genius. It could only have been better if it had somewhere included the word “fucktard”. Pure gold!

  314. Nikki says:

    I loved it. And I agree! Luckily I tagged-me a “Brawny-Man.” Complete with hatchet AND axe! I know what you’re saying. It’s superficial but it’s a statement with how sensitive our society is becoming today too. And I’m right there with ya!

    Nikki to Nicki

  315. TheBiggerBen says:

    I assure there are bearded men that pass your test and then some.
    I have a tucks-into-my-coat-easily beard that only gets trimmed two or three times per year. I’m a former paratrooper, a husband, a father of four, a powerlifter and as barrel-chested as they come.
    Rest assured that men that have fought and killed and are still chronically masculine have nothing but disdain for these man-boys with their beards and glasses and carefully manicured hands and porn addictions (another attempt to reclaim lost masculinity).
    Keep looking for real men. They (we) are out there.

  316. Adam says:

    It’s funny cuz most of the comments are bashing her for this. Probably explained by the fact that most of the people reading this would be said hipsters.

  317. Greg says:

    Agreed. Hipsters are super annoying and girly. The worst is the beards with the toques on their heads. Unless your part of Zac Brown Band, which chances are you aren’t, lose the toque and/or beard. You want to be manly, go to the gym. Peace.

  318. benshewphoto says:

    I read something about tits in there. I like where this is going. I have a beard and work on cars and shit. Let us get to fucking or something.

    PS there are a lot of pussies commenting on this.

    • Spike says:

      -Want to Play the rape game?
      -“NO”
      -That’s the spirit!

      A lot of pussies, and more than a few very creepy creeps.

  319. Mike says:

    Holy. Fucking. Shit. I have never read so many whiny God damn responses to a blog post in my entire miserable life. Christ on a stick people, get a grip. Bunch of fucking pussies. Excuse me know while I go out with my other real bearded buddies and go fishing. Good Good.

  320. Lunarcloud says:

    So, other people need to shave because you want to go back to a lazy way of pre-judging people based on what facial hair they have? Sounds like a first-world personal problem to me.

  321. Kelly says:

    I think a lot of people here missed your “My blog is not …” page.

  322. Annoyed female says:

    Wow. I thought we were trying to move away from gender stereotypes, and then I read this. Why can’t people just wear what they want and be who they want to be? Why do guys with beards have to be “manly”? And what is the definition of “manly” anyway? For goodness’ sake, you sound as if you’re saying hipster men aren’t men! There are plenty of types of men out there, and they are all equally men whether they fit into your stereotypical definition or not.

  323. I like the beard entry. I don’t believe I fit in this category at all. I work 2 jobs, own quite a lot of actual “tools” and I drink regular coffee flavored coffee. I don’t know whats in a macchiato nor do I care. And I grill and smoke my own meats when weather permits.

  324. Buzz O 'Neill says:

    An Early contender for BlogPost of the year. bravo.

    The rest of you are all douchbags. :)

  325. Style says:

    This is pathetic. Get off your high horse before there’s no one left to help you off that self-exalted saddle. Only the saddess of people judge others so harshly, jokingly or not. Get a life.

  326. Zak says:

    I made a comment earlier and I’ve been thinking about this post all day. I like that there are so many comments. Is it about hipsters and fashion? Masculinity? Society and self-loathing? I’m pretty sure only a hipster would come up with allen key when trying to think of a manly tool, and there’s nothing wrong with the author likely being a coffee sipping, blog writing hipster herself. There is a lot of self-loathing hipster stuff out there. There’s something deeper here. She’s only attacking male hipsters. Maybe she’s making the case that men don’t belong in the modern world and should leave the internet, product design, fancy new things, healthy eating, hybrids, condos, nice clothes, all that stuff to women. Lest we get branded a bunch of sissies. She’s saying that she finds beards sexy, but that most men (who read blogs like hers) aren’t masculine enough to display their masculinity with a beard. For me, shaving seems like more of a fashion statement than not shaving does. But this is not about beards. This is a hipster woman using a standard hipster rant to single out hipster men and ask the question- “what makes you a man?”. The author’s father’s generation of men may seem more manly to her, but it doesn’t make sense for a man living in a city in 2014 to have a 1950’s man’s skill set. We need different skills now. I think I’m manly, but I don’t know exactly what it is that I think is manly about myself. It isn’t motor oil and beef, or football and beer. This is an attack post about how most modern men are shitty half-men. Baiting an answer. My first comment was basically: in a developing feminist culture, is it fair for women to mock guys who also aren’t traditional anymore? I worded it more chauvinistically. Other people have commented and said it better. I’m still trying to figure out why this post makes me mad. I guess it’s mostly because I don’t like shaving every day and it sucks that in a lot of people’s eyes that makes me part of a fashion trend. Also I don’t really know what makes me a man, other than my penis. Kudos to the author. If she said something like this at a dinner party I would probably spend the rest of the night talking to her.

  327. Andre says:

    In the age of the voiced opinion, these responses are lame. ‘You go girl’ ‘Quit being sexist’ ‘I’m a guy and I’m not a piece of meat’. The truth, in my opinion, is that yes, you are a piece of meat. You are also a man. But it’s not your fault. You have been raised in a time where civil rights are on the rise and have in-tern forced you to become more sensitive and in touch with your true emotions. Weeping into a pillow after your yoga class is normal. I’ve done it. I also know how to fix a faulty solenoid in your alternator. I hit it with one of my many god damn hammers I own and yes, my un kept beard has both essential oils AND motor oil in it from two days ago because I did not wash it with my Irish Spring ‘Aloe’ bar of soap. It’s not anyones fault really. It’s a freedom. And if you want to spend you freedoms talking about how bearded guys are hard to judge go for it. btw, I enjoyed your post. Thanks.

  328. LM says:

    I don’t brew beer and my beard only comes along on weekends and holidays out of the office, but I can effectively operate anything in Home Depot, Southern States Feed Coop, and whatever is on the John Deere lot, so I feel like I can get away with giving my razor an occasional rest. And I can change tires as needed. All that is to say, thanks for your article. I hope it scares the pansies away and we can once again be accepted in society with our beards the way we were eons ago.

  329. Hannafold says:

    Tyre not tire!!!!! How can I send this to my bearded friends and take the piss when its not such a fundamental spelling mistake?!

  330. AKGeo says:

    Look at the hipster bumrush in the comments!

    Women defending the beardos: Go shave your pits.
    Men defending the beardos: Grow some balls and be a man.

    “Gender roles” are physiologically defined, not arbitrarily. Beards are,as the letter states, to perform a very specific purpose. Being a “unique and fragile bearded snowflake” doesn’t really work in the grand scheme of human physiology. And it’s ridiculous to say, especially because there’s nothing at all unique about any of you.

    Hipsters are the worst fad in the history of fads. Even the original Hippies weren’t as bad as you androgynous pansy-sniffing poseurs. I’m so glad Alaska is too hardcore, right-wing and lacking in a proper indie sitar-driven music scene for any of you to venture much further north than Portland. Otherwise those beards might actually have to…you know…WORK.

  331. G+7 says:

    I thought it was pretty funny – But how do you feel like tough guys that are clean-shaven? Like – the entire military.

  332. Mr. Blonde says:

    This article is pure tripe. I am a man. I know how to change a flat tire. I know how to kick another man’s ass (thanks, dad). And I know how to gut and clean a fish. But I also know how to rock a floral print shirt (and I know how to outtalk any woman on the subject of fashion, because I love fashion). And when I think a man looks handsome, I have no problems saying it, even though I’m straight (crazy, I know!). Do those things make me a nancyboy? Do those things confuse you, straight women of the world? Oh fucking no. Go have a cry.

    If anything, real men today unapologetically embrace their feminine sides without feeling less masculine. That’s where we’re at now, thankfully. To me (and more open-minded people), to wear pink is the epitome of masculinity. To cry is masculine. To yourself is fucking masculine. And if some men want to grow beards as fashion statements and go an extra yard by grooming or maintaining them, then let them, instead of labelling them as “hipsters.” For ages, society has told us we can’t love clothes, or flowers, or seemingly feminine things… unless we’re gay, of course. Fuck all that. Your article, while sarcastic and sometimes funny (and maybe even subconsciously self-deprecating), only serves to contribute to the proliferation of this kind of ignorance.

    Someone commented on how this article has brought out the insecure lot of us.

    Please. If anything, the author sounds like one of those suburbanites who’s so insecure of themselves that they resort to labelling everyone who looks remotely different as “hipsters.”

    Grow up.

  333. Beard says:

    If I ever see you in person, I am going to beard you right in the face.

  334. Hockey says:

    Perfectly said

  335. Tim Carmichael says:

    Thank you so much for writing this. While I read some of the comments saying that you should spend your time worrying about world peace, or to find better attributes, or that you must hate yourself; the simple truth is that hipsters will always find a way to ruin everything. Much like they ruined the name Bruce, beards have become a disgusting display of conformity.
    Fortunately it is easy to spot a man who has had his beard for longer than the “before it was cool to not be cool in order to be cool” hipster mentality. Look for the guy who looks like he hasn’t shaved in 6 months. It won’t be tame, it won’t be neat, and it sure as shit won’t have any product in it. Yeah it may be trimmed, but chances are it was done with a pair of scissors that are dull, and was found in some drawer of other junk that’s never used. We know our own, and a silent nod of appreciation is all that is needed.
    As a guy who has had a beard since high school (which was long before Duck Dynasty or even the word hipster for that matter), I can proudly hold my head high knowing that soon these fixie toting hipster freaks will find some other fashion fad to ruin within a year or two. Then the world of beards will all go back to the way it was.

  336. José says:

    Facial hair grows on every male. Regardless of individual interest. This stereotype is invalid in today’s world. I’m a trucker and i don’t have a beard. In fact I’ve seen women with more facial hair then myself. Smh. it is what it is.

  337. Tanya says:

    Amelia M: EADIAF after you take a chill pill. This article is comedy gold.

  338. AJ says:

    I very much appreciate this rant. As a bearded man in my twenties the gauntlet of bullshit I have to go through every time I find it necessary to visit a city has exponentially increased with the trendiness of hipster beards. I spend most of my time in Alaska and rural Washington where people aren’t obsessed with image and don’t value the fashion cues of hard work over the work itself; no one feels the need to mention my beard there. One day walking around Seattle will generally present me with three (3) teenagers whose ideals of masculinity come from Chuck Norris jokes and internet memes who need to shout “EEEEEPIC BEARD BRO”, two (2) baristas/bike mechanics/bloggers who want to know if my jacket is from the limited Woolrich retro/vintage/throwback collection they heard about, and one (1) computer programmer with face scruff asking in depth questions about how I deal with chin-itch or soup-eating and wondering if they too can one day achieve the lofty heights I have summited by not shaving.
    Cultural appropriation works along class lines too, and wearing a beard and a flannel does not make you a logger or a fisherman, as much as you instagram pictures of trees and boats.
    YOU GUYS ARE RUINING IT FOR EVERYONE

  339. Nicki, this was waaay overdue and you are such a genius for so eloquently expressing many shared frustrations. the irony in your opposers comments is titillating and only serves to prove your point more. thank you, thank you, and thank you some more.

  340. coldreborn says:

    I’m astounded at the amount of hipsters that replied to this blog, with the projected level of butthurt. Honestly, if you don’t fucking agree, you don’t fucking agree. We’re fortunate enough in America to have the ability to disagree, Atleast for now. But to try and downplay someone else’s rant because you don’t agree is fucking retarded. Personally, I’ve considered the idea of shaving, just to break away from all those hipsters this article mentioned, but each time I always come to the same conclusion: I’m one of the few men I know that can back up what my beard says about me, fixing cars, building houses, the like. I’ve spent most of my life with facial hair, and at the same time covered in some sort of protective layer of the evidence of fun I have working with my hands. Love the butthurt, it feeds the soul of the wolf, like the sound of a lost sheep does :)

  341. coldreborn says:

    I’m astounded at the amount of hipsters that replied to this blog, with the projected level of butthurt. Honestly, if you don’t fucking agree, you don’t fucking agree. We’re fortunate enough in America to have the ability to disagree, Atleast for now. But to try and downplay someone else’s rant because you don’t agree is fucking retarded. Personally, I’ve considered the idea of shaving, just to break away from all those hipsters this article mentioned, but each time I always come to the same conclusion: I’m one of the few men I know that can back up what my beard says about me, fixing cars, building houses, the like. I’ve spent most of my life with facial hair, and at the same time covered in some sort of protective layer of the evidence of fun I have working with my hands. Love the butthurt, it feeds the soul of the wolf, like the sound of a lost sheep does :).

  342. marcus says:

    Well fucking done on the article. You speak your mind, fuck those who oppose you because they can’t seem to take the article in the right way, furthermore, you are different and pure while the rest of the folks who oppose you are all the same. Who wants to be same as everyone else. Pfft. Your freedom of speech is well explained in this one. Good on you for speaking your mind. Cheers

  343. Doug Ellenberger says:

    I laughed so hard I peed a little. I love you for writing this!! As a Bearded Man for my entire adult life I could not agree with you more. Thank You

  344. Kevin Hughes says:

    The amount of people taking this seriously is absolutely fucking hilarious.

  345. I get your frustration with the hipsteriness of beards however, lets not repress each other by creating boxes for hyper-mascuinity, wherefrom anything that deviates means being a “nancyboy”. Its problematic to feminize veganism. It takes a courageous person to check their lifestyle and go against gender norms that say eating meat is manly, in order to be kind to all beings through a vegan diet. Yes, people could move beyond the superficial aspect of their drag – don’t just wear a beard for looks but maybe examine why a beard is meaningful to you. I LIKE MEN THAT ARE SECURE IN THEMSELVES, and critical and caring enough to be vegan despite what BS mainstream notions of masculinity shout at them. I think what the heart of this article is saying – beyond the gender role crap – is “Men: just be real”. Now thats sexy!

  346. likebuttah says:

    Wow lay off the haterade and let people be. Their personality, physical traits, and doings have nothing to do with you. The fact that you are offended by all of those things in such a personal manner makes you come off as very egotistical/self-serving. Beards are not just for you.

  347. Sweet mother of god. I want to bang the author of this article, Nicki, until the rafters and joists of my home begin to crack and crumble. I literally want to destroy your womanhood in such a manner that it will be unusable for weeks to come. It may, in fact, become even difficult to look at while it heals from the thrashing that this Alaskan wants to impose upon your insides. I applaud you miss, you may be a bitch, but you are my kind of woman. Move to Alaska, you’ll find all the bearded badassery you can handle. In fact, I doubt you can handle it being that you are surrounded by men on fixed gear bicycles that like to have structured debates about Hilary Clinton’s political ambitions. But again, you are my kind of woman lady. Mmmmm.

  348. Allen keyer says:

    Honey, it’s called an Allen key.

    Other than that, I agree with everything you say.

  349. john the bearded not pussy man says:

    Great article. Beards are totally a sign of masculinity. I bet every person bashing this article is a pussy with a beard. listen to these whiners. SUCH BUTTHURT. GO CHOP SOME TREES YOU MAN BOYS

  350. kris kneisler says:

    As a dude with a beard and glasses who is not vegan and can do “manly” things… If you mean this article to be anything more than a soundbite in the vast realms if the internet, you must understand that these aesthetics, like the lumberjack beard, don’t actually mean anything any more. Just like wearing a revolutionary figure on a t shirt or dressing punk rock to say “fuck the man”. Personal aesthetics don’t allign with reason or utility any more. People just do what ever they wantin the same vague notion of what is “cool” since whenever.

  351. Ted Beranis says:

    Hipster as a target is so last year.

  352. Amelia M says:

    Your level of outrage is extremely trivial. If you took five minutes to ask yourself “What are some important issues in the world that need my help?” you might not have written this. I’m fine with everyone having their own opinions, even about beards, but it is completely unnecessary to bash a group of people so hard for something so small… I mean, come on!!! Their beards aren’t starving people to death, or repressing religious freedom, or running a dictatorship. So…I’m lost….what is your point? Because really….who cares if a dude wants to grow some facial hair?
    Breed positivity. It’s the only way to help better the world around us. This is NOT helping anyone or anything. In fact, it just hurts people for no damn reason.
    By the way, I am a girl. Neither boyfriend or brother have a beard. This is just wrong.
    #stupidity

    • Ammy Pearson says:

      It’s satire you moron!

    • ashley says:

      Oh please, this is the internet. Let her rant if she wants to. Personally, I thought it was dead on.

    • Contusion says:

      Ah, so now people can only write about important issues of the world. Might as well shut down the internets.

    • Hockey says:

      Nope the fact that you’ve taken this so serious proves you’re wrong. Beards belong in the cold not in a coffee shop

    • Bedelia says:

      “If you took five minutes to ask yourself “What are some important issues in the world that need my help?” you might not have written this.”

      “Breed positivity.”

      “This is NOT helping anyone or anything.”

      #WhatYouWroteAlsoAppliesToYou

    • bronx_flash says:

      people are allowed to complain about stuff besides genocide without having someone cry ‘first world problems.’ also, it was funny, and i’m sure you probably like to read funny things, unless you thing we should drop all creative writing until we put an end to genocide. just saying

    • And yet, you took the time to reply.

    • LM says:

      Since people with beards did away with the dictators and oppression of religion, we have the luxury of trolling great blogs with great, well-written topics. If you’re looking for world peace and the betterment of society, you should probably set your sights a little higher than the blogosphere.

    • Is it not smaller still, to argue such a trivial article with a trivial argument against it? Who cares if someone else cares about dudes growing facial hair?

    • Amy says:

      Found the hipster

    • Laugh and the world laughs with you! says:

      Amelia…. take a Xanax, sweetheart. It’s called satire. Once you learn to identify it, you might actually enjoy it.

    • Zach G says:

      I think you just took this article far too seriously. #idiot

    • Thunder Bush says:

      Breed positivity? Yet you are negative on a satire piece? Epic.

    • Josh says:

      ^DIY hipster girlfriend

    • dnm says:

      Way to miss the fucking point.

    • jess says:

      I bet you’re a Hipster douchebag with a beard.

    • ItaldiscoRULES says:

      I love how people are getting a rash over this. It’s almost as funny as this post.

    • barry says:

      shut up no one cares. thanks.

    • Michelle says:

      #shutup

    • Matt says:

      I think it’s most annoying reading the comments of a funny blog post. Essentially a blog is an outlet for whatever the author wants to talk about. They don’t have to adhere to anyone’s sense of righteousness or someone else’s reality. If you believe there are better things to write about, then do so. I understand people can make their comments known, obviously she wants them good or bad, as she has appended the comment section after her post. But instead of reading and being appreciative of a rant, your immediate reaction is to judge the content and weigh its validity against what you believe is important. Maybe as soon as she finishes her rant she spends her time doing the things you believe to be of higher value, or maybe she doesn’t. Regardless blogs are blogs and it sucks reading the comments trying to find someone else that sees the humor in this when the majority of the time you have to read how other people want to either condemn or tear down someone’s thoughts. I wanted to laugh tonight, but to find those comments I first have to read yours. And others like yours.

    • bonez says:

      Amelia M, Your level of outrage is extremely trivial. If you took five minutes to ask yourself “what are some more important issues in the world that need help?” you might not have written this. I’m fine with everyone having their own opinions, even about blog posts, but it is completely unnecessary to tell anyone especially when you have so little contribute…I mean come on her blog post isn’t starving people to death, or repressing religious freedom or running a dictatorship. So/…you’re lost…you have no point. because really, who cares what you think. Breed positivity. It’s the only way to help better the people around us. You, Amelia, are not helping anyone or anything. In fact, you’re just typing for fucking reason. by the way, I’m a boy. Neither my girlfriend or my mom have a beard. You’re fucking dumb.

    • Kellen says:

      Your reply certainly took care of the all problems you stated. #irony

    • John H says:

      If this is so “hashtag” stupidity, why are you waisting your time replying about it?

    • TommyT says:

      You write “breed positivity” yet you took the time a write your own condescending response here. Phony.

  353. Tim Power says:

    I am turned on by literature, and so a well-formed sentence always catches my eye, let alone a lengthy screed. I am resentful that so many well-written blog posts are also half baked.

  354. Zak says:

    It’s an era of sensitive beards. If you like beards, be happy. If you like tough guys and you’re worried they are disappearing, track some down. If this is more ‘meta’ and not personal- then how about women learn how to cook again so men don’t need to know what creme fraish is? It’s a corrupt position for women to en masse decide to stop caring for men, and also belittle them for taking care of themselves.

  355. Eris says:

    I’m so sorry not everyone can live up to your expectations of gender stereotypes. You might want to try living on a different planet if you want people to shave their beards just to suit your ideals of what “manliness” is.

  356. Eric the mildly bearded Nobody says:

    Funny letter.

    Sad need to for humanity to label everything and file it away into neat little categories to be lauded or berated.

  357. JayCee says:

    Woo Hoo! I get to keep my beard! Do I get bonus points for not knowing what a macchiato is?

  358. Liam says:

    This has to be one of the worst articles I’ve ever read. Homophobic much? Take your antiquated ideas of masculinity and stuff them. If you want to know if the bearded guy you see is a “real” man, strike up a conversation with him – the INTELLIGENT way to get to know what someone’s about. Your blatant promotion of prejudice is so immature. The equivalent is a man going up to a big busted woman at a bar wearing “provocative” clothing and making a pass at her and when she responds says something to the tune of “I’m not a slut” the guy thinks – damn I wish these prudish girls would stop getting boob jobs and dressing like sluts…..it’s confusing me!

    • nodefect says:

      There are many words that could be used to describe this article, but “homophobic”? Why? She never discusses sexuality, nor call anyone gay as an insult. Or if you think that saying “men must be strong” is homophobic, then you too might have some prejudice.

    • Bearded Neanderthal says:

      What was homophobic about this article? Or are you calling everyone with a beard gay?

    • Thunder Bush says:

      Homophobic??? Fucking where dude? Prejudice? Seriously????? Fuck me running up a tree sideways kid.

    • Trung says:

      I can’t agree with you more. Thank you.

    • Lou Bator says:

      I’ll bet you answered “yes” to all the questions in the article, huh, Liam? Now, go get yourself a grande muchhiatto decaf spritzy foo-foo latte, okay?

  359. ohthetrees says:

    The nice thing about all the guys whining about being insulted by your post is that you automatically know they are pussies. What are they going to do to you, complain about you to their hairdressers? I thought your post was hilarious, and anyone who takes it seriously enough to be offended has some issues. Keep it up!

    • 4DayGrowth says:

      Here here to that..!! Its a light hearted poke at the world and look at all the high and mighty’s get amongst the action with some self-righteous replies. I though it was a good laugh and found it to be pretty dam enjoyable as a lot of it is true…

      (prepares himself for the onslaught)

    • Cliff Wells says:

      I thought the same thing. I don’t have a beard myself, but I do occasionally wipe the motor oil or blood from my hands off on the beard of a nearby hipster. I have to admit that the products they use make their beards soft and absorbent.

    • Ian says:

      yes yes and yes. freakin hilarious. the sad thing is that even tattoos used to be badass and now have become a fashion statement. this culture of ours is more about appearance then anything else, a poser appearance.

    • Lyn says:

      You Sir/Ma’am make my very happy! At least I know your sense of humor is firmly attached! I got a good chuckle out of this.

    • Chelsea says:

      Too true! Couldn’t have put it better myself.

    • truthhurts says:

      Yeah man, if I was one of these skinny sacks crying into their beards, the last thing I’d be doing is outing myself.

    • Spike says:

      Automatically know they are pussies???…in the exact same way that we all now automatically know that you’re an inadequate jerk with daddy issues?

  360. Scott says:

    Nikki, I LOVE you!! As a gay man, who loves real men with beards, I now have to figure out the real man and who is the poseur. As Sweet Brown says, “…ain’t got time fo dat!”

  361. Rob says:

    Oh my god, this is just effing hilarious.It’s funny not just because there are a lot of people who didn’t recognise the sarcasm and are getting upset by a percieved attack on their facial hair choices, but also because there are people who didn’t spot the sarcasm and are agreeing, in 100% seriousness, that only ‘manly’ men should be allowed to have beards.

    God, what retards.

    • Kimberly says:

      LMAO Rob you hit the nail on the head with your response…. Touche I could not have said it better……hahahahaha

    • Motzo says:

      There’s really no definitive markers to say this is sarcasm. You would have to have more context about the author to determine that. Leaping to this conclusion and belittling everyone else for taking the article on face value just makes you look like a pretentious twat. The only funny thing here is how self affirmed you are.

  362. […] published a post Monday ripping on girly bearded hipsters that went absolutely ape shit on Facebook because it offended a bunch of people—namely the […]

  363. I think girls should stop shaving their legs as well. That is a trend that never died and ruined my barbie fetish!

  364. Mike says:

    I’m guessing she’s fat and lonely.

  365. Doug says:

    I’m going to hope that since you used the term “vegan ‘nancy-boys'” that you also subscribe to other versions of vegans, for instance: “vegan ultimate warriors”, “vegan heartthrob”, and the one most likely to describe me – “passionate vegan bearded bad-ass-mother fucker who can build a goddamn house if he wanted to”.

    • AKGeo says:

      Yet you don’t want to, do you? And careful now, better get a pair of good cruelty-free faux-leather work gloves so you don’t break a nail.

    • American Realist says:

      If you are vegan you are the direct opposite off a badass. You are a pile of vaginal seepage. You aren’t even “badass” enough to handle red meat without upsetting your delicate constitution. I assume this is probably because you aren’t a man at all and that”penis”you see when you look down it’s actually an abnormally large clitoris. Thank you for letting me correct you guys on that hipster misconception.

      Sincerely,
      American Men Everywhere

      P.S. shave that shit off your face no one like a bearded lady

  366. Erika S. says:

    But.. But.. Of *course* they know what an Allen wrench is! How else would they fix their bicycles?!

    Haha. All kidding aside, this made me laugh. Being from Portland, I’ve met many a’ man who fit your description perfectly. I love beards for the same reason you do: the association with manliness! While I agree that these types people call hipster are everywhere, there is also a new breed of men similar to one of the commenters below.

    The men who brew beer and wear the glasses and all that other stuff, but also can use an axe, have carpentry skills, work hard to provide, etc. Thats alright in my book!

    • T per says:

      Wow people…those of you that are getting so upset by this hilarious and sarcastic blog really need to go get your panties (or boxers, boxer briefs….whatever you prefer…God forbid I offend anyone about their choice of underwear) out of a twist and loosen up. Holy shit…this was meant as a joke not some sort of attack on anyone. People need to quit getting so damn offended by everything these days!! Btw…this cracked me up…great job!!

    • Carla says:

      Oh heavens, thank you Erika! I had to use a pillow to muffle my laughter and am still crying laughing about your Allen wrench comment. To clarify, I support the use of bikes as a transportation method, but I cannot overcome my aversion to hipster jorts.

  367. Dan says:

    Me and my redneck beard think we love you. Ever considered marrying a stranger?

  368. Jen Z says:

    Thank. You.

    You just forgot to add how a beard really doesn’t go with a buffed manicure and soft hands.

  369. I think you and I should go drinking…

  370. arlen says:

    you are a full blown retard. the amount of weight you give beards is the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. in fact it is more vain to shave off your beard and spend any money on “moisturising gels” and whatnot. clearly when you look out on these supposed hipsters you wish you could buy these products that seem to mean these bearded men are such pussys. hipster’s can drive anyone crazy. But who gives a fuck about what hair they have on what parts of their bodies. If you are looking for a man with a beard who will beat you black and blue and raise your children to be racist then i’m sure he’s out there somewere. But please in the mean time leave the decision making up to the men who actally have balls, thats what gives us the right to grow our facial hair however long we want whether we strove for intelligence or the small brain and big muscles (and can’t forget beard!) that seem to be all that is necessary to turn you on.

  371. The Rue says:

    My beard used to smell like motor oil, leftover pizza, and bong water. Now I have a moustache instead.

  372. faceheadass says:

    Wow, who would’ve thought that men in urban environments like NYC would be fashion victims and unable to chop wood or change a tire on a car? Sheesh. Sounds like the girl who wrote this wants her cake and to eat it too. I bet if she lived in Tukwalla Washington she’d be bitching about how all the manly bearded rednecks hate gay people and watch Nascar. It’s one or the other, very rarely both.

  373. Emerald Ariel says:

  374. LoLo says:

    While I agree about the manly sexiness of the beard and it is a shame that “hipsters” are trying to confuse us, I think you’re forgetting one important reason men are growing beards. Beards are like make up for men. They make you look more attractive than you really are and hide all your flaws. So ugly dudes, stop trying to pull one over on us.

  375. Madison says:

    you’re a complete bigot.

  376. Johnny says:

    A-friggin-men!!! I couldn’t agree more!!
    I grew a beard a couple months ago and it was AWESOME.. You would’ve loved it!! All manly and bristly and erratic.. Grey and blonde and red and brown.. wiry and corse and epic!!
    But too many hipsters and their stupid latte sipping handlebar mustachioed fashion… I didn’t want to be in the same fold as them..
    My motorcycle, biker denim, boots and attitude will have to suffice.

  377. unsteady sword says:

    Hipsters were once men. With todays society telling men we need to be more sensitive, what did you really think was going to happen. You can take away our man freedom, but you’ll never take our beards.

  378. beardo says:

    The thing people are missing when they are talking about equality for the sexes is while we should be equal we are not the same. Men and women are built differently and we think differently. I hear from so many women how they are sick of men trying to be effeminate. Just because you can name all of the different flavors of coffee doesn’t mean you shouldn’t know how to fix your car or do basic home repairs. Having male organs only makes you a male, you need to do certain things to be a man. I know there are going to be some feminists that will say that is an outdated and sexist way of thinking. Great if that is what you like then you find that effeminate man and live happily ever after. I just know there are a lot of women who like a strong man (character not necessarily physical) and do appreciate the different roles men and women serve and know they complement each other.

  379. Sean says:

    I am in love with you.

  380. Mike says:

    I’d hunt some elk for this chick

  381. bweazel says:

    Nicki, we don’t give a shit what you want. Respectfully, Men.

  382. My wife directed me to this blog. Its funny that you mention Graphic Design, eateries, vegan and what not. I find myself in the blend. I’ve had a beard, super thick or trimmed for well over 8 years now.
    I grew up way out in the country. Like waaaaaay far out. Waterloo, Alabama far out. You can google map it if you like. We had cows and horses. My dad was the Marlboro Man, but without the smoking. He rode bulls professionally. And when he quit that, he started a roofing business. He had a beard in the winter, and shaved in the summer. Dude is tough as nails.
    We lived out there until I was sixteen, when we moved right outside the city limits of Florence, Alabama (once again, feel free to google map it).
    Since then, I’ve went to school, moved to Nashville and back. Currently work in downtown Florence as a graphic designer. You can find us at our local eateries, discussing the local brewed beer, shopping at the local farmers market, and doing our best to eat vegan or at least vegetarian, and you’ll probably find me in a cardigan.
    But you can also find me back out in the country shooting a shotgun with my brothers, or going kayaking and camping. I know what an allen wrench is, own multiple hammers, and drills.
    I’m right in the middle. I can be sipping my chai tea, or ankle deep in mud trying to figure out how to get a jeep unstuck.

  383. I thought we grew beards for the same reason dogs lick their balls: because we can.

  384. Let live says:

    Ok, from girl to girl,
    You got serious problems, I actually find some of your comments a danger for the rest of us women, you may make people think that there are more women like you.
    If you have such a fetish with “being protected” instead of collaborating and learning to protect yourself and your children yourself, and bad ass “manly” men, I suggest you find yourself one of those nice rural areas that are populated with that kind of ‘traditional’ folk, maybe even in a country that fiercely defends those values you seem to like so much, and enjoy your house-wife life with your wild 300’s hunter/lumberjack/sailor man, and stop posting this stuff in the internet and shaming the rest of us.

  385. Carlos says:

    I use my beard as a bird’s nest for obscure breeds of birds none of you have ever heard of. Not even the professors from the University of Pacoima.

  386. Bryan says:

    The chick that wrote this also probably wrote, “ladies, why shave your legs?”
    And, “hairy vaginas, a woman’s pride” and, “my daddy didn’t hug me enough”.
    Her rants suggest that she judges books by their covers and her screening process for a man should be more than just a visual check list. I hope I never meet a woman like her…she will probably choose the washer and dryer that looks the best!!!

  387. Mooncalls says:

    Look…
    I grew up in New Hampshire,
    Land of the live free, grow a beard, or die.

    I knew so many alcoholic old men, creepy fucks and shitty rednecks with beards that I found them terrifying and gross until I was a teenager.

    I happen to be a vegetarian gay man who works in a cafe…. but also knows how to change a tire, chop wood, operate a chainsaw, gut a fish, shoot a gun and even change my oil (not that I have a car, I drive a fixed gear)

    I understand I am not the average bearded urban dude, but I like beards! even the fluffy maintained ones!

    Let the vegan yuppies grow the beards, its cute! It’s not making drunk stupid rednecks any less drunk or stupid! If you have a fetish, It shouldn’t be contingent on some douchey 20-somethings.

    I got it! move to alaska! That’s a place where there’s lots of “real men” and not so many hipsters! Maybe you can be a stay-at-home wife and drink beer when homeboy is out fishing. Heck, maybe you’ll grow a beard…..

  388. basic says:

    Seriously… Everyone on the Internet wants to be right. No matter what you say, or how funny, or how much in jest, there will always be those who take offense or comb through the text looking for errors.

    Just write your blog and let it go into the world and don’t even try to make explanations to those who feel the need to tell you what you did wrong or why they don’t agree. It’s your page, your thoughts, and your creative outlet. Getting mucked in comments will bleed you to death and cause you not to write as purely as you want. Fuck ‘em. Don’t look back, that’s not your job. Go forward… Good luck!

  389. Everyone'sSoTouchy says:

    Fan-freaking-tastic. Call a waambulance for all the haters. You are so right Nicki! Beards represent the same things to me. My father has worn a beard since I was born. He is absolutely “a man’s man.” My father built my house – and many others – from the ground up, carried me on his shoulders through the woods, and danced with me on his feet in the kitchen when I was small. He drinks single malt scotch, would rather read than watch television, has the respect of every man he’s ever worked with, and has the appropriate – or inappropriate – joke for every occasion. He makes sure everyone has a drink, every woman has a dance, and has fantastic dance moves himself. He taught me to look for the exits in every crowded room, to always have a book to read, and to always carry a Leatherman. He gave me better advice than my mom when a boy I liked didn’t like me, cried like a baby when we danced at my wedding, and still tears up when he talks about his father, who died when he was young. He does whatever needs to be done, whenever it needs doing. That is what has shaped my view of a man. So in my humbly spoiled opinion, if you’re rocking a beard, you’d better be able to do all of the above, or take your half double-decaffinated half-caf with a twist of lemon and go cry to your therapist.

  390. Chris says:

    Nicki Daniels – I think I love you. I passed your ‘Can I keep my beard test’ Hoorah for me.

    • Spike says:

      I failed that test. But thankfully I passed the not trying to pathetically please the sarcastic (I hope) blogger test.

  391. Rene says:

    This was amazing and I thank you for it! Bravo! Good form!

  392. mikdog says:

    (Not sure if previous comment went through). Anyways, great post, funny. How much does a hipster weigh? An Instagram. *runs away*

  393. mikdog says:

    He he he. This is great. Nice blog. Made me laugh.

  394. Cory Ducey says:

    Why in the fuck would anybody feel offended or say this is sexist? If you feel offended, then you most likely are one of those douchebag hipsters who don’t know the difference between a wrench and a pair of pliers, or an elbow joint from a stink trap. I was losing my hair in my early 30s…shaved it. Not to be trendy but it looks idiotic to have patches. No use? Bub bye. Was in the Army anyways. Grew the beard after years of a Van Gogh. Love it. Keeps the mug warm and a less than pain in the ass when shaving. Wife wasn’t too keen on it at first, but my daughter told never to get rid of it. Dad’s lil Bear trumps Mom. All is well in the world after several women told my wife it looks good on me. While I love a good Expresso, hand me a beer while we shoot some pool. Pour me a tequila while we laugh it up and hand me those racks of ribs and I’ll do ‘er up on the grill (but don’t fucking boil those ribs…I’ll smack ya).

    • Spike says:

      Wondering if the authour is aroused by your manly offer to “smack” her if she dares to cook in the wrong way?
      Turned on by inadequate creeps?

  395. I love this rant SO much it hurts.

  396. Tim says:

    I wear a suit and tie to work. Own my own business, have a beard, own a hammer (and can build a house with it if necessary – in fact I intend to for my retirement – and an assortment of other pneumatic power tools (with associated gas and electric compressors), levels, squares, wrenches, socket sets, jacks, engine hoists, and any manner of other ‘manly’ items to be found in a garage). I know my way around a car mechanically and electrically, I can (if absolutely required) do the body repair and paint as well. I happen to quite like chilli and while I wouldn’t use motor oil as aftershave, I’m sure its probably not all that bad for you either.

    And yet, I wear a suit and tie to work and have a beard. You wouldn’t find a picture of me with a knitted beanie chewing a stalk of wheat (not my thing), nor would you find me wearing horned rimmed glasses (20/20 vision) or a bow tie (not my stylistic choice of neck-wear). You’d definitely not find me weeping on my futon (I don’t have one, and man the fuck up! .. unless you’re seriously in trouble, then, grow a pair and GET HELP!). You’d absolutely not find me explaining the difference between a macchiato and americano (of course I know the difference, I prefer a latte over the two. But a Large 2 & 2 will suffice). I have an entry level graphic designer that work FOR me, so that one doesn’t apply. And, I have absolutely no idea why growing a beard would be ‘ironic’.

    I’ve never fit in to stereotypical moulds anyway. Shouldn’t expect this to be any different. Although I do find it amusing that such a stereotype exists in the first place.

  397. El Gato says:

    Thank you, ma’am. I’ve been wearing a beard (usually only in the winter, thank you) for almost 15 years now (just about since I could grow one). This recent outbreak of fashion beards, or as my friend called them when they started, “bar beards” has honestly offended me too. I know what an Allen wrench is. I own a metric and a standard set. And you’re right, most of these kids couldn’t change a tire if it came down to it. I’d also like to point out that they seem to groom their beards to look ungroomed. As if they were auditioning for a role on Duck Dynasty. Anyway, I’m glad someone else feels sort of the same way.

  398. sigmund freud says:

    Are you from the midwest? Some of the weakest men i know, can change a tyre or use an Allen wrench. You’re about as superficial as those “poseurs” you readily dismiss. Do you wear a mini skirt? Do you dye your hair? You’re also a freud. Take your vitriol humour and put it somewhere it counts…

  399. Myles, Northcote (Australian Hipster Capital of Oz) says:

    I don’t like hipster or their stupid fashion or their hipster beards but it’s sure better than the metrosexual fad a few years ago with the pink collared shirts with the popped collars, truckers cap and fake tans

  400. Hey bitch. How about you stop telling men about what it means to be a man and get in the kitchen and make me a sandwitch.

  401. Ben Milam says:

    If you’re butt hurt, offended or pissed off at this, then guess what Nancy boy? She’s talking to you.

    • Spike says:

      Whilst bolstering your sad homophobic attempt at feeling superiour to others. An attempt that is only necessary due to your deep feelings of inferiority.

  402. Ed says:

    This is a very funny posting but your notion of masculinity is atavistic and grotesquely hyperbolized (yes I know it is comedy but many a truth was said in jest)

    I feel that I should point out that these days, killing, chasing, and fucking things will probably not keep lil’ Miss Nikki as safe as it used to before the rule of law. I hope you are into conjugal visits at San Quentin if you really dig men of action who sport beards. Come to think of it, I think Charlie Manson still hasn’t tied the knot so you still have time to make that overture to one of the bolder men that your ovaries seem to yearn for. Maybe the silicon leached a bit into your blood and brain? Since the neolithic revolution, the men who can best protect you are more like Gary Cooper and Harrison Ford, not Sylvester Stallone and The Rock.

    • Spike says:

      Well said. I trust Nikki’s writing is almost pure sarcasm. Surely she is cleverly arguing the exact opposite of what she appears to be at first glance?
      Or are all the sad “I got a beard and I kill thangs” commenters right?

    • New Fackin' Englandah says:

      Written on my iTool in a coffee shop in Brooklyn.

  403. Beard Hero says:

    To the owner of this article, there’s nothing we’d like more than to go back to the stone age, where a man could spend all day killing things and take any woman he wanted without consequence.

    Unsurprisingly things have changed, and women would apparently rather be swept off their feet instea of ragged over a rock.me and most men would rather do the latter I’m sure.

  404. KL says:

    You’ve complained in past posts about being looked down on because of lame sexist cliches, but I’M the conflicted poseur because I’m a downtown guy that dared grow a beard? I deserve the brunt your own ceaseless sexist cliches? Uh, give your head a shake. You’re full of shit, and even worse, all your Be A Man and Pussy jibes also make you 110% part of the damn problem. Maybe the pleasure of hurling insults and indulging your dated reductionist, essentialist masculinity tropes when it suits you is worth being part of the problem, but it’s pretty gross to watch and sheds your credibility like crazy. The world’s psychotic dude-bro contingent that thinks “vegan nancyboys” with glasses sound like good people to mock (if not actually go and beat up) now thinks you’re their pal. Well played, really solving the world’s issues here bud.

  405. Spike says:

    I can’t help but notice all of the pathetic comments here from hirsute gentlemen who are desperate to fit into the ludicrous stereotype of masculinity that is lampooned in this blog. They are such girly attempts to please the authour.

    “I have had a luxuriant beard since I was a sperm and I hunt bears with nothing but my teeth although I often build a semi-automatic rifles in my super-manly-man-cave with my huge collection of Allen wrenches.”

    It is ludicrous. All these men trying so hard to be as one dimensional and ignorant as Sarah Palin.

    One commenter even implied that the world would be better off without the various experts, scientists, executives, sensitive guys, artists, pets, musicians, thinkers and just plain successful men who don’t have the time and/or inclination to build their own tent out of the skin of a freshly killed (by themselves of course) mammoth. Ludicrous!

    Who do you want building your commercial aircraft’s onboard computer systems or playing your Tchaikovsky piano concertos? Grizzly Adams? I highly doubt it.

    The idea of masculinity being linked to violence and dominance is as idiotic as it is outdated. If this blog is not pure satire then the authour is unfortunately also idiotic and outdated. I doubt this very much.

  406. Rolf Hansen says:

    Too many half-assed cowards out there nowadays and to accommodate that, there’s too much hate and underhandedness which take so many men-in-the-making in it’s fall.

    This era’s gonna fall, trust me, these flaky pricks won’t pass my vigilant eye no matter how many macchiatoes they’ve inhaled.

    Nicki! I so truly love you

    … and that’s with pure manly love from my bearded heart – my damsel in distress;)

  407. hannah says:

    I LOVE you. Thank you, thank you, thank you! I have been a facial hair fetishist (I guess that’s what you’d call it) since I was a little girl and saw Tom Selleck in Magnum P.I. I’ve loved them all, from hairy arsed bikers, like my sexy husband, to metalheads and the like but recently my poor little beard spidey sense has been confused and disappointed when I see the wisp of a whisker on the street and find it’s attached to a too thin, skinny jeans wearing, mac book owning manchild not the beefcake I was expecting. Come on now lads. Just because you can, doesn’t mean you should.

  408. Isaiah says:

    I can’t grow a beard, but I’ve built shit out of wood with my bare hands. Beards don’t define the man, it’s his actions.

  409. Chris says:

    I often rock the fluffy beard, and also wear nerdy and expensive Ray-Ban glasses. I am always looking for new and weird music to listen to, and participate in hundreds of other activities that many would deem “hipster” and weak (homebrewing, DJing, joining crappy bands, frequenting dive bars, mocking professional sports, collecting hats and t-shirts, avoiding mainstream entertainment, spending too much money on coffee, stupid tattoos, collecting vinyl, etc.). I have worn a scarf in the last year and have a share in an organic CSA farm. So far none of this has kept me from going into the woods with a chainsaw to collect firewood, fixing my own pickup truck with actual tools that I own, shooting clay pigeons, catching (and cleaning and eating) fish, shaping a few surfboards, unclogging toilets, performing basic carpentry, working hard for a living, raising a kid and lots of other stuff that makes a man a man. Hipness and manliness are perfect bedfellows for the chosen few….chill on the “hipster” label, it’s SOOOOOOO 2008 :-P

    Disclaimer—I’m not quite as hip or manly as I think I am.

  410. chris says:

    The only purpose my beard serves is to broom the dorito crumbs off of the naked body of the woman I intend to make sweet lumberjack love to all night……..in the bed of my 1993 f150.

  411. Jeff says:

    I make fun of hipsters a lot because I think they look ridiculous and thought the article was funny but the way that people have shamed people who were offended is rather disappointing. Yes, they may be overreacting but their hurt feelings are being met with people teasing them about their masculinity and shaming them. I do not think you would say the things in the same way if you met these people in person. You may instead see hurt in their eyes and remember you are both human beings. The internet makes us be assholes to each other sometimes. When you put up a blog post that attacks a persons core identity like manliness or womanhood it shouldn’t be surprising that people might get their feelings hurt. The two things we need more of in the world are laughter and compassion. They can be achieved together. Cheers.

  412. MT says:

    The only thing more hilarious than this blog post is the immense anal pain that apparently many men and women alike seem to experience because they clearly and strongly associate their or others’ identity with something as completely fucking stupid as facial hair (or dresses or beer bellies, etc).

    You can’t twirl a keychain in a big city without hitting a zillion of bearded, plaided, hornrimmed Bonobos clones and yet they’re so unique and non-mainstream? They’re like the kids who wore all black and chain smoked in high school because they were so different and misunderstood. Except they weren’t – they were just as ever present at EVERY FUCKING SCHOOL EVER as jocks, cheerleaders and nerds. Conforming to a different set of stupid norms is still conformity.

    No, the ass suffering in this thread isn’t because you called them effeminate or even unmanly, it’s because you pointed out how painfully fucking common and un-unique they are.

  413. August West says:

    got me on two. Rockin my sweet beanie that my awesome wife made me while I pull a bong load and shot of espresso at the same time(awhambam). wait 3?

  414. Dalo 2013 says:

    Not sure what is funnier… This excellent post, or selected comedic comments (with the “comments” winning, as the comedy I’m reading is all unintentional…). Cheers!

  415. leon says:

    Bang. Nailed it. Thank god there are women like you out there.

  416. Noah says:

    This is why the beard “issue” is a controversy in my house. My fiancé thinks I look homeless. I think I look like… Well… me. I work on cars, I restored an old motorcycle, I spend weeks camping, I work outside at construction sites, I rock some flannel, and I can catch you a fish and grill it up. I need a beard! Every other girl I know thinks I look great with a full beard. I love her a lot and don’t know why she doesn’t understand my love for it, but we have compromised on a small well groomed as I type this I realize its my balls…. She has my fucking balls. Damn compromised me out if my own fucking balls. Fuck this I’m growing it out. And shit, time for fresh ink. I’m outa here.

  417. Old Fart says:

    Nicely done, Nicki. You really brought out the insecure people with this one. Have you noticed that the ones that really have their panties in a twist over this are also the ones with the most foul language? Not only are they trying to prove their manliness with facial hair, but they are also trying to show that they can swear like a sailor and thus are attempting to demonstrate their manliness.

    Being masculine is not about facial hair or having a foul mouth, it is about being strong and couragous (courage is not being unafraid, it is doing the right thing while being scared enough to pee your pants), someone deserving of respect, not because they demand it, but because they have earned it.

    The real problem with the hipsters is that they are more effeminate than masculine and they are butthurt when it is pointed out to them. They are not strong enough to be who they are and are desparate to have those around them afirm that they are important and that they really did earn all those participation trophies from childhood soccer leagues. People, there really are winners and losers. Not all choices are equal and there really are absolutes and there really are things that are right and things that are wrong. Someday you may learn that. In the mean time find a sense of humor, cause you don’t seem to have one.

    • Brett says:

      I’m pretty sure all of these hipsters are three gluten-free micro-brewed organic pints of swill away from taking it in the a…

    • Eric the mildly bearded Nobody says:

      Being masculine or “being a man” is an outdated ideal. Being a good person is what should be important. Strength and courage are gender neutral traits. Strong and courageous woman are not necessarily masculine.

  418. marsh says:

    Well said and thank you!!!

  419. Joel Sharman says:

    Thank you miss. Whoever you are. Fortunately my girlfriend loves my untamed mane. But I have been wondering…where are the rest of the women that feel like you do. I have been thinking the same thoughts you have for a long time. If you are a man. Look the part. And a part of that is a having a beard then do so ( not that its required, as many manly men do not have or like beards for instance my father whom is a very burly barrel chested mans man.) But these boys that wear plaid as if they were lumberjacks but are glued to phones and computers instead. Trends come and go but being a testosterone driven meat eating gun shooting woman chasing (or man chasing since sexual orientation is not impervious to a good beard) bearded man does not ever fade. Beards grow on MEN that earn them that use them for practical purposes. Fashion should not be the first reason for a beard. I have broken up with women over and for my beard. I will soon return to work after my lunch break with my beard, son my hardhat and continue to weld. Because I am a man and I have a mans job and will continue to do a mans work. Then I will go home and make passion at love to my woman. Because she is turned on sometimes solely by my beard. Fuzzy lips equal happy nips

  420. Metrosexual of Melbourne says:

    Hahahahaha. Great article, you certainly got under a lot of people’s skin.

    Yes i grew a beard because the hipsters were doing it – the social climate was inviting. Usually i resist a trend but this time i thought why not. Yes I’m probably the kind of man that some would call ‘not a real man’. You know, I cook and read.. and would only change a tyre if i really had to.

    I kinda like the way that inner-city metrosexuals have decided to look macho for a change. It’s only a costume.. just like when a lot of gay men decided to reclaim macho in the 80s. Why not. Gender is a mind-fuck. You gotta play around with the stereotypes, have a bit of fun.

    Fashions will change soon enough and everyone can go back to their comforting certainty of being able to judge by appearance. A beard will once again be only for the truly manly among us.

  421. Rey Calamaan says:

    This article shows how just how a lot of people judge a book by its cover, however, there is a time and place for that, eg; body building competitions and beauty pageants. The writer also admits that she is basically too lazy to get to know people. I do get her point about the guys who grow beards for all the wrong reasons though. It definitely makes the screening process much more tedious.

  422. Dave says:

    I had a long beard for years. I grew it out while I was a powerlifter, and spent a lot of time outdoors. When these idiotic nancy boy beards showed up it made me rather unhappy. I could take pain, bust my ass, and deadlift a volvo (literally) and some limp wristed, pinky in the air twerp made me look quite bad. If you are under 200lbs shave the ferret off of your face you are not fooling anybody!!!!!!!!

  423. ztkr2 says:

    Holy Gawd! Beard oil is a thing? How have I gotten this far without knowing this?! Now my beard can be superbly groomed while I make homebrew tomorrow! Huzzah!

  424. Matt The Rat says:

    “Beard oil”.. this is new to me. What the hell? I didn’t know “beard grooming” existed beyond a trim or a comb-through when it gets really thick.

    That being said.. I did not know changing a tire was a fucking task for ANY gender of car owner. I am no gearhead – I do basic maintenance on my car such as brakes, oil changes, etc. All things that can be done with minimal tools and mechanical knowledge. But to change a tire? You raise a jack and remove five nuts to get the tire off, and reverse the process. This isn’t about manliness.. this is about basic survivual!

  425. tmblwd53 says:

    oh my gosh i love this. i too am drawn to a manly man. i grew up in a rural area. a beard goes with the “muskoka dinner jacket”….aka… flannel. carhartts. my fiance has a beard. and knows how to change tires, chop firewood, use hockey tape as a temp bandaid on outdoorsy battle wounds from tree stick stabs, and protect me from threatening disgusting spiders.
    i laughed when i read …”Or washed his hair with a bar of Irish Spring”. that’s what my fiance does.
    man… do i love him and his beard face.

  426. Man says:

    Lady, get over it. Men naturally grow hair on their faces. Just like women naturally grow hair under their arms and on their legs, and men should get over it.

    It takes quite a bit of time and effort to contradict our nature and stay clean-shaven. So if we want to be our natural male selves and let the hair on our faces grow, then we will do so.

  427. I would think that the author’s lack of response to the well thought out, non butt-hurt comments would indicate that this is a post for entertainment, and not a sexist rant that men who do anything not stereotypically manly are somehow to be devalued the way men have and still do devalue women for being “unfemenine”. I would go so far as to even guess that she would count on a reader to see the irony. She is talking about the kind of men she likes. I happen to like buff chicks. Not hopped up on steroids, but honest to god driven women who eat clean and exercise with the goal of building an impressive physique because they want to, and they can. I sew and design jewelry with the goal of improving myself as a person, my fiancée pumps iron with the same goals. Having a penis or a vagina does not have anything to do with who we are as people. I do not consider the women who don’t care about athletic progress to be less womanly, or more womanly, just not my type. They all have a vagina. They are all equally womanly. Men all have a penis. We are all equally manly. That doesn’t mean I’m going to be equally sexually attracted, and I don’t demand someone be equally sexually attracted to me as some other dude. Yeah, I’ll be disappointed when I feel “tricked” seeing the girl in full workout regalia going into a real co-ed gym, swigging a protein shake, and curling one pound weights for fear of getting “bulky”. That’s my right. She’s still a real woman, but she’s not my type, and I will say to myself “wtf is she doing?” Even more so if she’s wearing a shirt that says “beast mode on” or some shit. But, w/e she has that right.

    In the end I’m fairly certain this article was written to be entertaining, make people laugh, and before you start throwing stones, stop and remember the last time you laughed at or even made a joke that wasn’t PC. I dare one person to say there never done it. You’re a hypocrite and probably the most whatever-ist person in the room. Real people who value equality still make humor. It’s funny shit and we have nothing to hide. We don’t believe it, and that’s part of the humor.

    Guys, gals, do what you want, and even if this blog was being sexist and stereotyping men, you’re the one who would be giving it power by reacting to it.

    • Like x infinity. In the very first sentence, I use the word fetish. Which specifically refers to sexual desire. That’s it. And while I was being serious about this fetish, pretty much everything else was satirical. And to kind of poke fun at a few people I work with. But after reading all the comments about what a sexist I am, I am actually finding the original post more truthful than humorous.

  428. Stu says:

    Your beard is accompanied by a bowtie or horn-rimmed eyeglasses. Why on earth do you want to look like Sigmund Freud? At least he could blame this strange look on his massive cocaine problem. Sometimes a cigar is just a douchebag.

    – I’m allergic to ties.

    You grew a beard to be “ironic”. But you don’t exactly understand what “ironic” means, or why having a beard would be ironic if you did.

    – I know what ironic means. eg: it’s ironic hipsters strive to be ironic.

    You take time off from your entry-level graphic design job only to attend South by Southwest, take your French Bulldog to the vet, or lie on your futon and weep.

    – I’m a machinist. I make things. Out of metal. With my hands. With big ass machines that would just as soon hurt you. It’s fun.

    You do not know what an Allen wrench is, but can explain, in detail, the difference between a macchiato and an Americano.

    – Either Bondhus or Eklind. The rest are junk. And I’m guessing the hi-lighted ones are coffees.

    There is an existing Instagram photo of you wearing a knit beanie and chewing on a stalk of wheat.

    – There are and will never be any Instagram pics of me. Ever.

    Only bearded during the off season, though. I race motorcycles, and it itches like crazy from the helmet strap+sweat.

  429. Calamity Rae says:

    Curious to the finger-waggers: do you realize that in all of your contempt of her outlandish opinion on her blog, you’ve given her the biggest platform she’s ever had? You gave her power over your day and your emotions. If you can’t see the funny in this article, the irony, then why spend your day reinforcing your own (ironic) hatred toward her? If she’s so ignorant, why do you continue to give power to her voice?

    I don’t understand the LOGIC. NIcki Daniels (while I think she’s one bad ass chick and funny as hell) does not have any power over anyone except herself and her child. She holds no power over your societal woes. So why do you care what she says on HER blog?

    YOU are giving her words power. You continue to do so. If those of you who finger-wag care *that* much, stop typing on a keyboard and actually *do* something to make an actual societal change you so desperately crave as opposed to posturing your non-humorous, unrealistic ideologies on a blog of a person who is, well, just one person.

    In your contempt, you’ve made her famous. Congratulations!

  430. Maureen says:

    Where’s the LOVE button??

  431. Jon says:

    Nicki: you are amazing. I live in China and actually just had a local girl ask me why American men grow beards. Oddly enough, my answer was almost word for word what you thought being able to grow a beard was supposed to be. As for the rest of you chiming in with your hurt buttholes: get over it. If you’re a man and offended, you’re the problem she’s referring to. If you’re female: you’re probably married/in a relationship with one of these dipshits.

  432. Mike Hocksbig says:

    Nicki,
    Do you have a boyfriend if not get at me woman my face and pubes are like a jungle and I can build, fix, and kill the shit out of anything.

  433. James says:

    Nikki, Who are you to complain about ones facial hair. Every man is born with the ability to grow hair on they’re faces, who are you to tell them they cant or it doesn’t look good. Sorry but Lumberjacks are a dying breed, and if i want to rock a full fledged beard at my desk job I’m going to, it doesn’t make me any less of a man. Do you know why? Because its 2014. Time to grow up.

  434. sb says:

    oh boy. this is so sexist i don’t know where to start. if this post was about women there would be uproar, so how is it okay to slate and throw stereotypes at men?

  435. OJ Dawoodi says:

    I love this post! As a man with a beard, I am sick of these hipster pussies giving men AND beards a bad name! I’m pointing and laughing at all the dudes chiming in about how offended they are that you’re calling out their emasculation. Your beard isn’t ironic, and the fact that you have the male gene that allows you to grow decorations on your face doesn’t make you tough. Get over yourself with your witty and poignant comebacks about how much of a hypocrite the author is. You’re a pussy! Deal with it. Or… we could step outside and talk about this like real men.

    • Dnote says:

      Spoken like a true reactionary OJ. Next time just try wearing a name tag that says “asshole”. It’s straight to the point and we won’t have to waste time reading through your bullshit

  436. […] As far as Bigfoot goes, if he is going to be found it’s going to be soon. I mean , if he only knew how popular beards and facial hairstyles are now he’d step right out and find his way to Seattle for a photoshoot. Hopefully then we can be rid of  this  phenomenon….. […]

  437. Wes says:

    What if I am just lazy? I shave about once every two months, when it gets uncomfortable. Does this make me a hipster? How do you pose to be something you don’t want to be. Fuck, now I am having an existential crisis. I am a hipster.

  438. Shaun says:

    Hilarious.
    The world gets offended far too easily these days. Complaining has become our favourite activity.

    • Emma says:

      Hear hear. People take things waaaaay too seriously. I love how people get enraged on behalf of others, who sometimes don’t even care – the PC brigade in the UK is great for it! Did you hear that a few years ago one city decided to call it’s Christmas celebrations ‘Winterfest’ because they didn’t want to offend local non-christians?! (none of whom had ever voiced complaints in the past). Crazy days!

  439. Matt Cumings says:

    I think “effeminate” dudes sporting beards are a sign of our dismantling of gender binaries/patriarchy. The writer of this article is mostly pissed, as she explicitly says, that she can no longer identify a person’s philosophy by the way they look and she must *gasp* get to know them in order to know them. Sorry lazy writer, the world is changing and her laziness is seen easily in her use of misogynistic language as she derides the feminine.

  440. BACK IN THE DAY WHEN WOMEN WORE PANTS IT MEANT SOMETHING:
    THAT THEY WERE LESBIANS.
    BUT YOU HIPSTERS ARE RUINING IT!
    STOP WEARING PANTS IF YOU’RE STRAIGHT!!!

  441. Mr. Wedgewood says:

    Am i allowed to keep my beard if i can kill an animal with a bow and arrow? And i routinely use my whiskers as a method to save the flavour of my previous meal? Also how would a fellow such as myself go about distinguishing myself from these hipsters that have robbed me of manliness.

  442. Andre says:

    Your article was amazing. Very funny and a good read. As to those who hate and have objections, I am sure that this is filled with satire and sarcasm, and if you’re offended by this article, I think there’s a deeper issue you have to deal with other than the words she has scripted together. PS- I love witty women, I shoot, I hike, I play sports, I grow a beard, I cook, I’m mostly vegetarian, I’m a social liberal, and I found this blog post to be f***ing hilarious. Kuddos and keep writing.

  443. kooopa says:

    Hipster girls are ruining boobs for me.

  444. Cody Southgate says:

    actually I had another thought on this today while walking to the Bank.

    As a counterpoint to your Blog, I would like you to consider this sentence:

    “I’m so sick of females these days wearing skirts and dresses, yet when i tell them to have my dinner made before I get home and fold my laundry, they don’t even know how, Its awful, I remember a time when women who wore dresses, ironed them neatly, and would have dinner prepared and fully on the table by the time, I, a bearded male, came home from my day hunting.”

    Think.

    As the male created gender roles start to slowly fade away and women are taking up macho activities, my 6 foot tall Blonde drop dead gorgeous girlfriend who takes kickboxing because she wants to, knows how to fix a tire, weld, drywall a basement, install a floor, make breakfast, let me open doors for her, be a girl…. while positively maintaining “Masculine’ roles and hobby’s.

    As women become more ‘masculine’ men too will become more ‘feminine’ I suppose you would hate a man with a beard who stay’s at home with his kids too.

    Please, I know your ‘job’ is to write your opinions on the internet, but think about them first, what are you really trying to say?

    Because getting upset that well dressed men have Beards is a little silly, don’t you think?

    As I said In an earlier post, we could all go back to dressing like we did in the 90’s, or how about the 80’s? or just not care at all, well shaved men in blue jeans and t-shirts everywhere.

    just looking like the next guy.

    So please help me Nicki Daniels, just what are you actually trying to say?

    • I love that you’re so evolved, yet you couldn’t help but add in the fact that you have a six foot tall, blonde, drop dead gorgeous girlfriend. Who may or may not exist. I’m voting no.

      • Cody Southgate says:

        intelligent retort, ill make sure to follow up on your page and respond with an internet argument….

        Not likely, thanks for contributing Nicki.

        • Anne Cargirl says:

          Could you please check your grammar before posting again, at least? It’s giving me a headache.

        • gargamel says:

          His overcompensation (something very common among hipsters) couldn’t be more obvious. Hipsters are basically horrible actors who ‘over act’ their role. Their cluelessness doesn’t help matters any. Mr. Southgate is trying to pass himself off as what he THINKS a “manly man” is, but like all hipsters, fails miserably.

    • I like your reasoned response to this post and would like to add my thoughts.

      I cannot judge what was in Nicki’s mind when she wrote this but I took it to be a jokey dig at herself and her preferences. I also note that for all the men who commented saying that they didn’t fit her criteria she was positive and generous in her replies so, on the whole, I can’t really be offended.

      If I had a beard, I might appear to be a ‘hipster’ (Though being British, I’m not actually sure what a hipster is …) as I am a rampant feminist, vegetarian who once worked for Greenpeace. However, I know what stilsons and an allen keys are and have worked in a ‘man’s’ job for thirty years so I have a foot in both camps when it comes to the gender divide. I respect the right of all life to exist without persecution or fear etc, etc. I also respect the right to have a good laugh at humanity’s desire to take itself so seriously.

      One day Nicki may look back on this post and say ‘yeah I could have done that differently’ but let’s not drive her into the ground for it.

      Can’t we all step back and those of us who found it funny, laugh on. Those who didn’t, go find something you do like. Live and let live.

  445. Barbarossa says:

    Lol @ “feminists” who are so liberated they DEMAND we revert to the caveman ways of their grandfathers.

  446. AJ says:

    Nikki, This is a great read! Not long ago I took my wife to see a band at a hipster place in Chicago.It wasn’t winter or close to -41 degrees and we noticed a lot of guys with beards. My wife made a comment of ” whats with all these girly looking dudes with beards, look at that guy in the corner hes sipping his beer with his legs crossed! She said next time do her a favor if I’m going to take her to a concert with guys and beards can we at least make it a metal show” That was a special evening. I’m already excited about your next letter topic! Cheers, AJ

  447. Jaclyn says:

    Here’s a solution… If you don’t like the blog then don’t read it. GOD FORBID A BLOGGER WRITE THEIR PERSONAL OPINIONS

  448. Jadles says:

    I’ll admit it, I’m a hipster wanna be with a beard! and it’s not even that good… I don’t groom, although I do sometimes use some old spice bodywash on it. That shit smeeeels GOOD!

  449. Sean says:

    Thanks much. Really entertaining. As a bearded man from time to time (who has NEVER used product…well, OK. I did once…FOR MY SKIN!!!!! OK, I have used conditioner a few times…fuck. Fortunately, I’m too old to be lumped in with these nomen), AND who owns a hammer and what an Allen wrench is (and whose favorite tool is a peavy), I get to extend the purpose of a beard beyond keeping your face warm:

    I’m lazy and I don’t want to do the full shave.
    It hides skin issues
    My wife hates it* (oh the games we play sometimes)
    I need to look older (I can’t use this one anymore because my beard is grey)
    You’re gay and have a belly…you open yourself up to a huge dating pool if you have a beard too

    *Doesn’t necessarily apply to me ;)

    Back to chopping wood…

  450. Modern Woman says:

    Well personally I think this is a little harsh. Nothing wrong with the bearded or unbearded manly men out there, but a guy should get to be whoever he wants, even if it is a hipster who likes to style his beard and smell nice. Same for us women. Gender rules have changed and it’s a good thing. I’m not looking for someone to protect me….and from what really anyway? Most things that will kill you these days can’t be stopped by even the strongest and manliest of men anyway.

    Oh, and can we please stop using the term pussy? Seriously? When exactly did having a pussy ever have anything to do with being weak or pathetic? As a woman I enjoy being both emotionally and physically strong and this is just downright annoying….

  451. walter says:

    I wash my hair and my beard with Irish Spring. But my beard seems to always smell like dog and Irish whiskey

  452. unbeardy hipster says:

    I’m a vegetarian, I like pale ale, I can’t change any kind of tire and I wear hornrimmed glasses when I don’t wear contacts. I don’t have a beard. This article however, makes me want to get one. Just to spite you. I’ll wear what I want and act however faggoty I want, thank you.

    What might be simplest of all for you is to go to your parents house and sleep with your dad, that seems to be the one you’re walking around looking for.

    • Wow. Just….wow. You are the poster child of this post. You’re upset about a lighthearted blog post, so you suggest I sleep with my dad. That’s fucked up. Go outside and get some exercise.

      • James Cerne says:

        Disappointing that you only feel moved to respond to comments when they stoop to the level of insult, rather than dialoging with those of us who have brought up more thoughtful and considerate objections.

        • I responded to that asshole because what he said was so blatantly stupid. As for the others who hate it but are not being abusive, I am honestly baffled that anyone cares.

          I. Just. Like. Beards. It’s something I find sexy. I don’t find hipsters sexy. I’m not trying to define masculinity for the whole world. That’s crazy. Everyone should be exactly who they want to be. This isn’t a fucking manifesto. It’s a stupid blog post on my preference in men’s facial hair.

          There is way more in the world to worry about. Like that judge in New York who ruled that’s it’s totally ok for the NSA to monitor our phone calls and internet activity.

          This is my first amendment right. You’ll wish you had a stupid blog post to complain about when that right gets taken away.

          • Andrew says:

            I thought it was a funny post Nicki and I will spare you my personal facial hair choices. No need to bring the NSA into the argument. that is kinda a hipster move lol.

          • Shutupnikki says:

            You’re not the beard police. Or the hipster police. Stop body shaming people based on your own preferences. Stop calling people who don’t agree with you and criticise you “haters” (that’s pretty hipster, yo). Baaaaasically, if you’re going to make a blog post targeting individuals based on your own preferences, don’t be surprised when people challenge it or even attack you back. The wonders of public fora! Freedom of speech does not equal freedom from culpability. Your blog post sounds like a spoiled, privileged little girl having a whinge that people aren’t adhering to her ideals on what masculinity and seminars are. Holy fucking shit, you’re not the boss of everyone. Say “I like beards” and be satisfied. Leave the “I hate hipsters and anyone who isn’t manly but has a beard is shit” bullshit in your own head. Asshole.

    • Jaclyn says:

      Someone has their sassy pants on today

    • Mindcandy says:

      Did you really suggest she sleeps with or would sleep with her father? Or at the base level she is lusting for his mirror replacement? Maybe it’s just the opposite and she actually looks for someone whom is the polar opposite of her father? Sorry, this comment is over the top. On that note…..

      Are you a vegetarian because your mother would roll around erotically with slabs of bacon? Or are you “faggoty” because you didn’t have a male role model while growing up? Rather ridiculous sounding coming back at you right?

      My scruff on my neck is itching. Gotta run!

      • unbeardy hipster says:

        I’m calmer today. Sorry, I went over the top, I posted a followup comment acknowledging that(which seemed to get moderated away for some reason, but the one I say she should sleep with her dad made it through? Huh?), and I elaborated that what I meant was that the man she’s describing is the typical late 70’s or 80’s ideal father figure, she seemed to be describing at least my dad, my dad is super handy, was really strong, used power tools constantly around the house and had a big bushy beard while I was growing up.

        I’m probably faggy because I was raised by my dad alone, so with only a male role model. I’m not sure about that, but it’s possible :) I’m a vegetarian for environmental reasons.

  453. RobK says:

    LOL! Will you marry me?

  454. Bearded man without a tattoo says:

    Beards are the new tattoos. Years ago, when you seen a dude covered in tattoos, you crossed the street to avoid them. Now, they’re serving us at Denny’s. Same with beards, when a dude had a beard you knew he was awesome, now, not so much. I’m a bearded man, have been for many years, but I partially agree with your rant. Hope these guys move on to ruining another form of facial hair (first the mustache, now beards, maybe next will be sideburns) so I can get on with my hairy, skillet eating life.
    I can’t wait until beards aren’t cool anymore

    • Spike says:

      “Same with beards, when a dude had a beard you knew he was awesome, now, not so much.”-especially_Charles_Manson.

  455. Beef Wellington says:

    Real men, whether bearded or not, or gay or straight, wouldn’t take offense at the hilarity of this blogpost… and that’s all it is, truly and utterly hilarious. Perhaps the overlying facade of truth is what really hurts some of you groomed, ironic lumberjacks with your fixed-gear retro bicycles, cuffed jeans and $200 john varvatos suede chukkas; that $10 look that cost you $800. I understand why you wear the facial hair and mustache wax tho, cause you’d look like even more of a pussy without it.

  456. Stacey says:

    This is a stupid article. Men don’t deserve to be stereotyped as much as women don’t. I get that this was supposed to be funny but it really offended me. Especially the part about the ‘Vegan nancy boys,’ Just because someone is vegan does not make them any less of a man, as a matter of fact I think that it makes them the perfect person to date. Get over yourself.

    • Pi says:

      takes those liberal equal rights and shove them up a tiny hole. why is a vegan the perfect person to date? is it your religion or something? i think the perfect person to date is someone who can creatively carry on a conversation and enjoy it. or someone with confidence enough to enjoy themselves and not let “the force” guide them to stupid fades like beards and bicycles.

  457. ralph says:

    Hipster douches have taken over this town I live in. I shaved mine to protest the fucking lame whiny pansy ass hipster douchebaggery. God I fucking hate hipsters.

  458. JD says:

    I’ve had facial for a decade and a half, since I could grow it in. And yes, I know how to use my tools, clean a fish, and shoot a gun. I’m also clean and don’t smell like motor oil. While I get your frustration with the popularization of your fetish, your article reeks of short-sighted sexism. If you were a man telling women how to dress, use kitchen appliances, and smell ‘girly’ it wouldn’t seem so ‘clever’ would it? He would just seem like a dick. Why don’t you learn to change your own tires so you don’t need a bearded man to rely on?

    • I CAN change my own tires. And clean a fish, use tools, and shoot a gun. I am fully self sufficient. Look at you, making assumptions about ME in your complaint about me making assumptions about others.

      • Pi says:

        i enjoyed your article and do agree with your statements. yes people are taking this out of context and making it seem like youre demonizing. well guess what, its true 95% of the time from what ive seen. all the people i know with beards usually do it just to be “the guy with a beard” then go off taking artsy pictures or texting with their skinny arms and fingers. whats nicki is saying folks, is a man with a beard who is more of a nanny than a woman, is false advertising. heck even to dudes its false advertising. me-“yea bill nice beard wanna go grab some beers at the pub?” bill-“not tonight i have to air up my bicycle tires. dont want to get a flat in this cold weather!” me-“pussy figure out another time to fill up those pussy tires!”

    • zombiepunkette says:

      As a woman i 100% agree with you. This article is extremely sexist and a double standard. How would she like it if a man told her to stop being who she is, and judged her womanhood by her abilities to cook/clean/bare children/dress a certain way? If a man told her to not buy certain grooming products? In my country, Males have a high suicide rate compared to females, they have pressure to behave a certain way and if they don’t they are ‘lesser’ men. And then she stereotypes men that can hunt as being unprovoked and dirty. Appalling sexist.

  459. Josh Doll says:

    I’m totally someone who has one of these idiotic hipster beards you refer to (I’m the one on the right):

    http://www.madebyband.com/

    I am also a small business owner, a non-profit board member, a graphic designer, a bicycle rider and I live in the hipster mecca of Portland Oregon. I also like to get drunk, stay fit and healthy, can probably beat up your boyfriend, and I look good naked.
    But, for all intents and purposes, you could call me a hipster. I’m not worried about it.
    I am not, however, a fucking construction worker, because I learned how to make money with my goddamn brain. I own a set of allen wrenches, and I use them, but I also will order a fucking Americano if I want to, and I know what’s in it. Hell, maybe I’ll get a soy latte. My beard comes out of my face whether I want it to or not. And I grow it sometimes because it looks sexy.
    Saying I don’t deserve a beard because I’m not macho enough is like me saying that you don’t deserve to have nice tits because there’s not a baby sucking on them: it’s sexist, and it tries to get people to conform to stereotypes about genders.
    Maybe you should write a post about how only faggots wear skinny jeans (I’ve had sex with boys before, but consider myself straight, and I wear them)!

    Sorry I’m not enough of a man for you, but I doubt you’re the most womanly woman ever either.

    #thanksforbeingabigot

    • Dave says:

      wow… sounding pretty butt hurt there…. its a joke.. get over it, Sally…

      #referringtopeopleas*faggots*actually makesYOUthebigot

      #ACTUALirony

    • Mike says:

      Hey douchebag when your complaining about someone being a bigot maybe you shouldn’t pigeonhole a whole class of skilled worker as being brainless you elitist fuck.

      • Pi says:

        its his beard. its makes him superior. its literally something you can hide behind as a man when it comes to manliness. btw josh doll a lot of “business owners” shave because its professional and considered respectable as an open face to the public. but then again you live in portland and as you stated are a very proud hipster dbag.

        • Mike says:

          I have a beard. I work outside year round in the Rockies. It’s nearly a requirement. So don’t go blaming it on the beard. This guy is just a supreme dumbass who will shave when it becomes unfashionable.

    • Bert says:

      Its unfortunate that you think blue collar workers don’t use their brains. Do you realize the kind of math involved in ordering building materials and estimating a job? By far the easiest job I’ve ever had, mentally, was data entry while the toughest was logging, you need to use your brain and quickly in that line of work.

    • Portland Townie says:

      I apologize for my city and the person who doth protest too much above. His shot at construction workers is part of the snobbery that hipsters bring and have infested Portland with.

  460. Amy says:

    Just because you can grow a beard doesn’t make you a man, nor does having an appendage dictate that as well. You are of the male species, but that does not make you of certain personality.

    We are all products of our parents and environments, that usually portrays who we are in some form or fashion.

    The guys that have facial hair in the last memories, apparently have no idea of how to clean them, (read oily gross like hair that hasn’t been washed in weeks), so if that is something to be revered, then I take clean shaven.

  461. Emily Riese says:

    This is great. Anyone who is offended by this probably stumbled on this blog by accident, thinking it was a how-to for knitting one of those beard-hat combo things.
    Anyway, I, too, am a lady who loves beards. My father has always had a beard. He shaved it ONCE when I was about 6 years old. When he walked in the door I hid behind a chair and cried because I hated his bald face so much. He’s a handy guy who can fix pretty much anything, and if he can’t he just grabs a manual and figures it out. He uses this power for good in his day job, of fixing and installing medical imaging equipment in hospitals and clinics around the world. He is also a bluegrass musician, and a good one, too, since he has been at it since 1970. You might say Dad was the OG of bearded hipsters.
    I managed to wrangle myself a bearded beau, only he was NOT bearded when we met, since he worked for UPS (and the only facial hair allowed is a mustache). We moved to the far North and he now works for a local commercial fishing company and never shaves. He wears a fisherman’s sweater because its fucking WARM. He acquired it by trading 7 lbs of Lake Trout with a lady who was selling sweaters out of a stand on the side of the road near his work. THIS, is a man who can change a fucking tire in ten minutes and STILL make it on time to his Dr.’s appointment. I’m keeping him.
    Sorry if this is a total over-share, but it has obviously struck a chord with me. Keep it up, chickie.

  462. James Cerne says:

    Nicki I’m guessing that you haven’t really spent a lot of time thinking about the way that enforced gender binaries can negatively effect men as well as women. For every girl who wants to play soccer there’s a boy who wants an easy bake oven, and this piece is pretty insulting to any guy who by choice or not, does not measure up to your romantic notions of the Brawny Man.

    I get it… you like Manly men, manly in action and image. And I respect your preferences in male companions- after all The girls I tend to hang out with tend to be pretty feminine and enjoy traditional feminine interests like fashion etc. But I would never write some prescriptive screed like this, indicting all the women who fall outside of the categories I prefer, because they express gender in the way they choose.

    My face is going to grow hair whether I chop firewood or sit by the fireplace knitting. As long as my body provides me with facial hair, I will exercise my right to groom it acording to MY tastes and whims. Not yours and certainly not those of a society that expects me to “prove” my masculinity in a parade of ways that are almost completely irrelevant to the demands of living in the contemporary world.

  463. josh says:

    Ok I work at a mine. I have a beard. I also had chilly last night and literally the only thing I use is irish spring and lava/orange goop cause I do use a hammer with a lot of other tools. This has by far made my simple minded day :) thank you.

  464. Dear author, you are awesome.
    I have a beard and a hammer and I hate machiato’s. I don’t even know how to write macchiatto.

  465. truthspew says:

    Oh hell – I wear the beard and I can change a tire, an engine etc. Also good at destruction.

  466. redjim99 says:

    The joys of manhood, I’ll keep the beard, it’s been through the fashions and it does keep me warm, happy days on the mountains. Vegan nancy boys, love it. Lets go kill an animal and throw it on the fire.
    :-)

    Jim

  467. OMG YES says:

    I love this!!
    Hate all you want.
    But I love it.

  468. DarinR says:

    Weird I should find this today. I almost have to believe that this is the day the world collectively turned on the “hipster beard” That is a good thing…..I wrote this morning that “The long beard is this generations Bono mullet” and I still believe that to be very true. However, your blog is much more informative and much more clever.

    • Portland Townie says:

      Exactly – remember the pictures of your parents from the 70s that you laugh at? Hipsterdom is just that – an incongruous and ugly period of fashion that will go out of style, but leave billions of Instagram pictures for teenagers to laugh at how their parents looked 20 years ago.

  469. DWF says:

    So many butthurt comments on here and so little time to laugh at them all!

  470. Cole says:

    I have always found it funny that the measure of a Man is pursued by “men” wearing stretchy skin-tight “jeans”, en masse. Pursued in an attempt to set themselves apart, while simply joining the crowd. Generic look-book fondlers. Tools with no knowledge of the sort.

  471. I'm a chick and this offends me says:

    Soooo, what your really saying is that since you’ve got boobs then you should do exactly what you said. Stay at home all day everyday and just cook, clean, procreate and feed your life giving milk to your children all day? This is so ignorant I don’t even know where to begin. It’s 2014.. I thought people could do what they want without getting persecuted or judged here in the good ol’ USA.
    Just remember that both women AND men fought and died for your right to have and share that closed minded opinion of yours. And these military men who died.. They didn’t/don’t have beards. All the clean cut “Nancy boys” in the military have to follow all the rules, regulations and orders put in place in war so you can keep the right to share you’re shitty little attitude.

    • Jack Klompus says:

      Attention internet – this chick is OFFENDED! You don’t know where to begin and then proceeded to write another paragraph.

    • Alright, listen. Seeing as how I just got out of the Army in July I think I know a little bit about the fought and died part. She can have her opinion because I fucking paid for it. If you’re going to throw us Soldiers around as your fake fucking currency to pay for what you can and can’t say then I’ll use my name and time served to pay for her right to have said this. No one in the Army wants to be clean shaven. Do you even know why they are clean shaven? Have you ever asked? It’s so we have a proper seal for our gas mask in case of a chemical attack. If you want to talk about making ignorant statements you should fact check yourself. I look around and see all these faggoty ass guys with their cool-guy beards and I laugh knowing that when everything goes to shit he’s not going to last long. And if you want to go back well before your time and mine, where a more primitive being inhabited these lands, yes that’s what a woman’s job was. There weren’t iPhones to autocorrect your sentences for you. So why don’t you shut that trap because I have friends who paid the ultimate debt for your stupid ass comment.

    • And just so you know, the REAL men who are in the Army want their beard back. So fuck you.
      HOOAH

      United States Army
      19D
      Cavalry Scout

  472. fo sho says:

    I love all the dudes jumping on the thread and chiming in about how manly they are, how they can turn a wrench, AND have a sweet beard! Congrats on your precieved manlyness all…

    • mike says:

      Yup, gotta love the self-righteous macho men jumping on to attack the ones who got butt hurt by the post. Because, you know…being an internet though guy and proclaiming what a manly man you are is just sooooo cool and intimidating!

      Lol…the butt hurt and self proclaimed manly men are both jackasses. Post is funny.win all around

  473. Rikki Guy Webb says:

    As a bearded combat veteran who came from a very poor background and worked his way, alone, into being a Man and protecting all those who can’t protect themselves – Thank You.

  474. Britni says:

    So I went through some of the comments but not all, as clearly there are a lot here. And after reading the post, and then your response to the comments, I want to offer some food for thought here. I’m doing this because I know what it’s like to write something that I thought was funny and sarcastic and have people respond in a negative way to it. I know because I used to write things that I thought were funny and snarky, but they were really just mean. And what happened when people called me out on it was that I got defensive. I wrote those people off as uptight and refused to hear what was being said. But the thing is, when MULTIPLE people are telling me the same thing, it might be time for me to step back and listen.

    I’m not saying that you have to change what you do. But what I am saying is that it’s hard to be objective when you’re in the middle of the fray. I get how personal it feels to have your writing attacked. And when it’s really fresh, it’s easy to respond with defensiveness and anger and to be unable to see what it is that people are saying. Sometimes, it’s only in taking a step back and letting the emotion cool a bit that we’re able to see that there may be more than one way to look at things.

    I encourage you to take criticism and hear what people are trying to tell you. It will make you a better writer and a better blogger (and you’re already great, so that’s saying a lot). Not everyone is trying to tear you down. Some people, me included, have nothing but the best intentions when we leave our comments. And when it’s not just one person, but a chorus of people, saying that the message that this post sends is damaging, there might be something to that. Even if that’s not what you intended, that’s what’s coming across. I’m sure the last couple days have been kind of intense for you, with all the attention this post has received. I’m sending you good thoughts and hugs.

    • Le Clown says:

      Britni,
      This is basically how I feel.
      What a thoughtful and supportive comment. Thank you, Britni. Sensible and sensitive.
      Le Clown

  475. WilmaAsgro says:

    I thought this post was funny as hell until I read so many comments from the unibomber crazies that it drew outta the woods. This shit’s like a fucken caveman magnet! How do they even read blogs? They must keep an iPad mini with Narrator tucked in their loincloths to communicate with the civilized world in case they need to order more Y chromosome on eBay. I’m gonna just stick with reading your posts in the future because Nicki, you are fucken hilarious! But anyone who really thinks buying a truck, or growing hair anywhere on their body determines the strength of their gender is just a scary moron.

  476. what about us guys who know both what an Allen wrench is, and the difference between a macchiato and an Americano?

  477. Josh Nolan says:

    Being a man and all I would appreciate the opportunity to make up in my own mind what masculinity is >> Your article is funny and all but I’m not somehow less of a man because I don’t specialise in manual labour and I don’t know how to change a tyre. I’m a man because I have a penis and no other reason. Quit being part of the problem.

  478. basic says:

    I don’t have a beard to be… ironic…. Hipster bars look like costume parties where everyone has the same shoes and pants…. different, just like everyone else. Yay dorks!

    Yes I have a shop full of tools and build my own cars… but you are right. Beards have been pussified and it’s left to the wimmerns to figure out if the wearer is a limp-wristed soy milk sipper or somebody who whips their asses. Sad, really.

    Keep writing, I enjoy your stuff!

  479. Jason Wolfe says:

    The ‘men’ she’s referring to in the above article are the prime reason why i don’t grow my beard anymore. people started calling me a hipster. i’ve had a beard since i was 15, before the word ‘hipster’ came into creation. I’ve recently invested in a fairly large supply of long sleeved shirts because tattoos have suddenly become the ‘hipster’ thing to do. I’ve also replaced my wranglers with a slightly baggier brand of jeans so as not to get confused with skinny jeans, and i didn’t know that there were oils specifically for beards.

    the irony(yes i know how to use the word) is that i am indeed a graphic designer. a graphic designer in a small, country town. a graphic designer who’s wardrobe consists mostly of plaid. one who has no idea wtf a machiatto is, just discovered instagram 2 weeks ago, and didn’t know what snapchat was until about a month ago when my wife asked why i don’t have it on my phone. I don’t groom my beard so much as just trim the moustache to keep it from curling into my nose. i also shave my neckline because it grows in a pattern resembling the peaks of a mountain chain.

    All of that being said. I THANK you PROFUSELY for your article. I strongly wish that every “man” in the world would read this and realize that skinny jeans, drew carey frames, and a fohawk are fucking stupid. What happened to chivalry? What happened to honesty? What happened to normal? What happened to work ethic? What happened to respect? Kids these days(and i’m not far removed from kid status at only 27 years old) don’t know what any of these words mean. Each of these hipster idiots should be forced to spend a week at my house. Cell phone reception is BARELY achievable, and only if you hold your phone at a certain angle. There is no internet access, and the closest starbucks is an hour away. Come to my house, sit under the stars. Enjoy the fresh smell of cow dung that radiates in the air. And stop being such a tool.

    • unbeardy hipster says:

      Yeah, because no hipster ever said “I did that before it was cool” before.

      If you were real to yourself you’d wear whatever you wanted, despite lots of other people wearing some clothes or a beard like you. Grow some confidence, being called a hipster isn’t that bad. It’s not worth changing who you are just to avoid being confused with “them”. You seem so worried about what people think you look like that you could basically be any trendy hipster in any Williamsburg bar. No hipster calls themselves a hipster, and every goddamn hipster thinks they are SO different from all the hipsters who are trying to dress like them. Recognize this?

      And yes, hipster was a word 17 years ago, it’s been in use in NY since the early 90’s.

  480. I prefer the term “Scruffsome”. :-)

    Brilliant article. And you’ve expertly handled every commenter who flew in on a broom from Jezebel whether they were wearing an ironic beard or not. (I don’t discriminate: men can fly on brooms just as well as women can [and women can even wear ironic beards, I mean if you're into that kind of thing]).

  481. Buck says:

    Awesome post! Yes I have a beard, no my wife does not defend my honor in public due to my inability, and yes I also have several hammers! Just subscribed to follow your blog, keep it up!

  482. The beards have spoken.

  483. you need to read up on beards, you’re bearded lumberjack of your parent’s generation was not the only man wearing a beard, in fact they were probably in the minority. Beards were brought back into fashion back from a respite in the late 50’s and 60’s by beatniks and hippies. So basically the artsy types have been responsible for bringing beards back into fashion for quite some time.

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Beard:

    The beard was reintroduced to mainstream society by the counterculture, firstly with the “beatniks” in the 1950s, and then with the hippie movement of the mid-1960s. Following the Vietnam War, beards exploded in popularity. In the mid-late 1960s and throughout the 1970s, beards were worn by hippies and businessmen alike. Popular rock, soul and folk musicians like The Beatles, Barry White and the male members of Peter, Paul, and Mary wore full beards. The trend of seemingly ubiquitous beards in American culture subsided in the mid-1980s.

    • Luke says:

      Sounds like someone with a beard and not a lot of masculinity getting defensive. Seriously, the author of this blog is referring to the way, way back, hence the use of cro-magnon. To even reference the 50’s and 60’s counterculture ensures me that you are indeed the very person she’s talking about.

      I am refraining from my beard growing until the hipsters stop fucking it up for everybody else, and I’ve been able to grow one for decades. In fact, “Hipsters fuck it up for everybody” should start to be used regularly in popular lexicon, hells, I remember when I could buy a case of PBR for a song and a dance, now it’s $3.50 for a can at the bar. Thanks hipsters.

  484. Rex Stetson says:

    That’s because here they are all mostly gay, or “experimental”. There’s many of us who wear a stache or beard and know how to change a tire and aren’t vegan weirdos with ugly little dogs.

  485. I wear a beard.
    I like obscure music. Mostly garage, blues, and rock.
    I wear jeans, T-shirts and leather.
    I wear RayBans
    I drink beer
    I have 5 motorcycles that I rebuilt
    I weld
    I build furniture
    I do complex renovations
    I have more tools than most of the guys I know, combined.
    I know how to use them all.

    All these namby pamby men who cannot perform basic maintenance or repair tasks around the house or to their vehicles do not deserve their beards.

  486. I love pretty much everything about this editorial (my beard is a real one and manly at that) but I do have a question; if you and/ or other women are frustrated by having to suss out the real men than can we please agree that it’s equally frustrating for men to have to suss through thousands of women dressing like sluts to find a woman who isn’t a slut?

  487. Jeff says:

    I can change a tire. I’ve had a beard of some form since middle of high school (Politically Incorrect: yeah, I was that big white guy in choir with a goatee who all the black guys would say “man I want THAT”). I can also geek out on code or do house repair. I’m about to buy a plot of land in the country and build an earth house from the materials on hand. Yeah I’m THAT GUY …

    And … this article is right … some of THOSE guys are going over the top and can barely understand how to fasten the velcro lace replacements on their shoes … but they got a beard so they’re a man.

    Stop ruining it for us real guys. Oh and a sculpted shape, even on a big beard, is better than full bush. Never go full bush.

  488. JD says:

    You are really pretentious. You’re just like the people you are describing. So what if there is a beard trend? I don’t like beards, but I don’t assume things about people who have them even if they look like hipsters. What a narcissistic, arrogant and self appreciating asshole you are. I don’t care that you’re a woman, I’m a woman too. Let people look as they please and don’t stereotype them. I think you’re just butthurt because now you can’t assume things about people who have beards, which is wrong to do in the first place. People are different, guys who grow beards aren’t what you expect. Go cry about it to yourself.

  489. Doug says:

    Ha ha ha! Hilarious! Love it.

  490. Brooks says:

    So, I didn’t read all one million comments already left, but am I alone in the mentality that shaving just kinda sucks so why do it? Also, when you have a baby face it’s a nice way to feel better about that thing you have to look at in the mirror everyday…really there’s a bunch of reasons to have a beard… Because as we all know, we are no longer living in a “hunter/gatherer” society. Do you want men to start trimming their beautiful long eyelashes too? Because those also only exist for protection…

  491. Nashyella says:

    It’s an Allen KEY not an Allen wrench. A wrench is either open ended or close ended

  492. You're an idiot says:

    I too long for the days of old, when women didn’t speak when spoken to. When they did not feel their place was speaking for many to hear on a blog, or that they were capable of working alongside the likes of men. I long for the days when a woman kept her kitchen, and tended to the children, when it was legal to beat a woman with a stick no bigger than the size of my thumb. Please, let us do all we can to move backwards, to put this ridiculous woman in a place where she’ll be more comfortable.

    • Ed29 says:

      She legit touched on this… “I don’t want to go back to Cro-Magnon days. I’m glad we have more gender equality and I like not having to worry about being eaten by larger creatures. But I am calling for a moratorium on the hipster beard.” Or were you too busy trying to be a douche and rip this apart to actually read it?

      • Glad you got my back, man.

        • Jasna says:

          Yep. But you’re contradicting your self. Your stance on masculinity and the beard undermines the gender equality you think we’ve gained. Oh!. But you’ll be the arbiter of how much gender stereotyping is still acceptable. Right. You’re still advocating that men fulfill their correct gender roles. Just like some guy writing an article complaining that women who dress in 1950s style are false advertising.

    • andddreaaannnaaaaaa says:

      pretty much

  493. Sassmo says:

    I only drink black coffee, I know how to chop wood (and enjoy it), and my favorite tool is a pulaski (go ahead and look it up, nancyboy). Shave your beard off, you’re making my playthings gun-shy. Also, can I get the author’s number? My log cabin gets lonely in the Winter.

  494. Derek S says:

    Gender stereotype much? If this article was written by a man, going on about women and their padded bras as you referenced, what do you think the response would be?

  495. Alexander Lakeman says:

    That was not only fucking hilarious, it was patently true. Nicki, you are a goddess and make a legit old shaggy bastard feel good about looking as I do. Kudos, ma’am.

  496. Adam says:

    Beards are in fashion? I have a beard because shaving sucks…and after a few days of not shaving I have a beard. The only time I shave it off is when I visit my Mom. She doesn’t like it and, quite frankly, I’m damn happy she’s still around to voice her disapproval, so she gets what she wants.

  497. Sasquatch says:

    With a couple of notable lapses of judgment, I’ve had a beard since I was about 16, which was in the 1970s, and you hit the nail on the head, to the point that I now want to kill or otherwise incapacitate your husband (Ryan) and drag you off to my cave.

    Failing that, you should come to the great Pacific Northwest, where our lumberjack beards will put all your Kentucky hillbilly beards to terrible shame.

    Now can you write about girls who shave their pubic hair into a little exclamation point? What’s up with that?

  498. Ken Schmuckey NoTHX says:

    I love how people backpedal into the “just satire” mode when they realize their drug withdrawal/low blood sugar/misplaced emotions rant draws criticism and the dreaded mirror. Excuse us if your “satire” is misconstrued as genuine. It really doesn’t read as such. Plus context. You live in an obese, crime ridden, red state full of corporate dick suckers who would slander anything and everything indie and non-corporate as “hippie, slacker, hipster…” oh I keep forgetting what word we are using these days. Hows that for a stereotype? Anyway, get a real hobby or get better at this one so some Fortune 500-funded cable news station throws you a job, or at least the 00:15 you so obviously strive for.