Breast_implants_in_hand_01

Me and my stupid fake boobs

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NEWS FLASH! THEY’RE NOT REAL.

Underneath my living skin, next to my organically beating heart, are two silicone bags filled with 300cc’s of salt water. I mention this now because it’s a new year, a time for moving on. For being that person you always wanted to be.  And I can’t, not totally. Because I’ve got two souvenirs from a decade ago permanently affixed to my chest. Imagine having a memento from a bad relationship (like a REALLY hideous sweater) that you have to wear ALL THE TIME EVERYDAY, FOREVER. That’s me. Me and my stupid fake boobs.

slut-shamed by an X-ray

slut-shamed by an X-ray

I was dating a major douchelord we’ll call Johnny Hollywood. He was a drug dealer businessman and sold fake designer clothes on ebay internet entrepreneur. I was a 20-something party girl with a drug problem and Daddy issues, so naturally it was a match made in heaven. The only problem? He liked his women to look like slutty whores Pamela Anderson. Looking at pictures of his ex girlfriends was like leafing through Playboy. I, on the other hand, had small (awesome, firm, perky, GodImissthemsomuch) boobs. He offered to “fix” this problem of mine. And with the same careful thought and intense introspection I used to make all my other decisions, I thought “why the hell not?”

Just another pony in Hollywood's stable.

Just another pony in Hollywood’s stable.

Why the hell not indeed. Why not get sedated, cut open, and have a few sacks of goo stuffed behind my pectorals? It would be fun to have big, fat chesticles. And I would get some awesome painkillers. Sign. Me. Up.

I knew immediately I had made a terrible mistake. They were SO BIG. They felt SO WEIRD. They hurt like FUCKING HELL. But I thought, you’ll get used to them, Nicki. You’ll get used to these awful boobages, you will! One day you will probably love them!

It’s 10 years later. I still hate them. Here’s why.

1.They don’t look good. You might think they do, but they don’t. A 115 lb girl with the ribcage of a sparrow isn’t supposed to have D cups, ya’ll. It goes against nature. Also, natural boobs have a teardrop shape. Fake boobs have a toilet plunger shape. When I first got them done, they jutted out from the base of my neck. Now I’ve had a kid, they’ve relaxed a bit, which is nice. Now the toilet plungers jut out above my navel. And here’s something no one tells you: when you get your boobs done your skin stretches, right? Well guess what, genius. So do your nipples. I’d elaborate further, but some things are best left to the imagination.

It can always be worse.

It can always be worse.

2. They don’t feel good. When I lean over and grab my underboob, it feels like a half-full two liter of Mountain Dew. Now I LOVE Mountain Dew. I do NOT love this feeling. I am always aware of my boobs, like they are two alien entities and not a part of me like the rest of my body. This makes me feel weird, and not in a good way. And I always have to worry about doing awesome stuff like cliff diving and mountain biking, because I could pop a boob and then I’d have to go to the hospital cradling my poor, limp, deflated boob and I wouldn’t even be able to feel sorry for myself because I’d be all “you deserve this, you silly slut.”

3. They’re not sexy. Let me say that one again. THEY’RE NOT SEXY. We, as humans, are genetically programmed to feel things when we look at breasts. It’s primal, and it affects the ladies as well as the men. I have had my breasts pawed at by other women so much in the last ten years it’s crazy. Big breasts are hypersexual. But being hypersexualized makes me feel like an object. There is a huge difference between someone checking out your face and staring you directly in the tits. I hardly ever wear revealing clothing any more, because it cheapens all the other amazing qualities I have to be reduced to a pair of tits on a stick.

Boob Job Sally

Boob Job Sally

4. People automatically think I’m stupid/slutty/have low self-esteem. I can’t stand getting scornful glances from women who I could totally school in a game of Scrabble. Or having men smile indulgently and baby talk me while they order their Manhattans. But I did think it was a good idea to spend thousands of dollars to be mutilated, so maybe they are on to something.

5. My daughter. Ouch. It hurts just to TYPE that. But yes, my daughter. My beautiful, precious, perfect just-the-way-she-is baby girl. The little tot who says “your boobs are so BIG!” everytime I take off my shirt. I am sending her a very powerful message about not loving yourself. And that fucking sucks.

So? What to do? I’ll tell you. 2014 is the year I say ta-ta to the titties. Sayonara to the sweater puppets. Bon vogage to the boobies. As sick as it makes me to spend good money on elective surgery that could be spent elsewhere, I’m doing it. I am empowering myself to make a decision about myself and my body. Now I am vain, so I do wonder, WHAT WILL THEY LOOK LIKE? It will be interesting to find out. My ever-fertile imagination serves up images of me, braless in a wife beater, with the perky little breasts of a teenager. My wiser self realizes I will probably look like a tribal elder in a National Geographic special.

Will I miss them? Have I gotten used to them without realizing it? Am I secretly preening beneath my discomfort? Only time will tell.

I’m excited for 2014, you guys. And I think you’re all fucking awesome, just the way you are.

Nicki

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185 comments on “Me and my stupid fake boobs

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  4. Adam says:

    It’s a well written, introspective article, but you’re a pornstar, which is fine, I’m not passing judgement. But you mention your daughter and how you worry about her self image. With such easy access to porn on the internet shouldn’t you be more concerned about her googling your name and seeing a picture of you with a penis in your mouth. Or I can be even more cynical and think that this whole article is a ploy to have readers buy your porn. I hope that’s not the case because it did seem genuine.

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  7. Keith says:

    You wrote an article about not wanting to be slut shamed about a permanent decision you made with your body but also wrote an article about how dudes who have zero effect on you that you would otherwise have zero interest in should stop doing what they’re doing to appease you? You’re hilarious.

  8. ensitue says:

    I was behind you until you stuck in the “greater gender equality” bit. Why would you want to lower yourself to the level of a man, do you want to work harder, for less money and die early?

  9. I want to to thank you for this fantastic read!!

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  10. Blake says:

    Yes, being good at scrabble makes you a shining beacon of intellectual wisdom.
    Now, back to reading my dictionary…

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  12. […] many a Romeo before him, and I am dating Johnny Hollywood. (Remember him? The guy who bought me these.) I am spending most nights at his place, because it is nicer, and since he has a severe case of […]

  13. Sarah says:

    Just wanted to throw in a little tip for all these big-boobed women commenting on how hard it is to buy nice bras – check out http://www.brastop.com . It’s completely revolutionised my life, in part because bras are now pretty much the only clothes I can buy because I know they’ll fit me and look good on me. I’m a 32FF by the way. Brastop is a UK company, but they deliver worldwide for not very much money (and often they run promotions offering free or half-price delivery), so even you ladies on the other side of the pond can get gorgeous lingerie.

    Also, Nicki, your writing is awesome, as are your attitudes. Glad I stumbled upon your blog.

  14. […] are no secrets between her and her loyal […]

  15. Sofía says:

    Hi Nicki, i loved this post. I’m from South America, so sorry if my english is too bad. I’m 17, and i was considering to get boob implants when i get older because my boobs are too small and i feel unsexy. Althought my boyfriend says he likes them, i know that he would prefer them bigger. I’m afraid one day i will take off my clothes in front of a guy and he get turned off by my boobs.
    But that post made me think again. And i thank you for that :)
    be lucky with your surgery!
    PD: Are you in a relationship? what does your husband/boyfriend/whatever says about your boobs?

    • Thanks for your sweet comment. I do have a husband, and he supports me no matter what. Don’t worry about guys being turned off by your boobs, in my experience, most guys are so excited to see some that they aren’t too picky.

  16. […] and brain-damaging child-hood abuse – I find joy in telling someone who I think is cool that I would grope their boobs. And I find joy in the prospect of making cool blog badges (something I’ve never done) that […]

  17. suuuuurrrrreeee says:

    “And I think you’re all fucking awesome, just the way you are.”

    Funny, that’s not the feeling I got after reading your “hipster beards” blog post.

  18. louisa says:

    Hilarious. I loves this post. Thanks for your honesty and your expression, I like it! – “My wiser self realizes I will probably look like a tribal elder in a National Geographic special” that’s priceless!

  19. Britz says:

    Maaaan I thought for a minute I wanted to be on the boob job list. I’m 5’3, 110lbs, and was a 32DD before I had my baby. Then they blew up to a 32G! I breastfed for 2 years and now they are jump empty bags =((. Still a 30DDD. I feel very self conscious about them.

    Is there a saggy baggy tittie group we can start? Cause we all pretty much kick ass.

  20. Kristin says:

    So I am nearing thirty(really frackin scary) and have never had more than an A at my heaviest. I have finally started saving for my boobs and now am pausing to rethink. I don’t want anything crazy because I have that tall teenage boy body that a lot of chicks think they want until they realize that to most men think you actually look like a little boy and you only get the weird pedophiles In hiding ( my man is odd but not an actual pedophile). Tangent sorry. So anyways I was debating a small c large b but I am extremely active and reading your article I think maybe its better to have barely more than nipples than unnatural plunger bouncy things. I shall think and thank you.

    • tc says:

      “most men think you actually look like a little boy and you only get the weird pedophiles In hiding ” I’m a man and I find the comment extremely unfair. And you find men who are attracted to women with small breasts who are not actual pedofiles to be “odd”. I hope your negative opinions don’t encourage any woman to change themself to attact a “normal” man, by your definition of normal. How about just finding a man you appreciates you for you, just as you are. If you find a man who is a pedophile obviously not the right man. If you find a man who wants you to change your body, again, not the right man. Maybe you should do some self examination into why you are attracted to enough pedophiles that you think most men who find small breasts attractive are pedophiles. Maybe you are odd too.

      • wuvie says:

        TC said: “How about just finding a man you appreciates you for you, just as you are. If you find a man who is a pedophile obviously not the right man. If you find a man who wants you to change your body, again, not the right man.”

        Thank you! Well said!

    • Dan says:

      I was with you up until you called me a pedophile in hiding. I’m attracted to slender women, not because they look young but because they look almost-but-not-quite masculine.

      It’s almost like you could make a scale for secondary sex characteristics, where 0 is “Exclusively Displays Own Gender’s Secondary Sex Characteristics” and 6 is “Exclusively Displays the Opposite Gender’s Secondary Sex Characteristics,” where most people are somewhere in between. Almost like… what’s that called… oh, right, the Kinsey Scale! I happen to be attracted to women who lean toward androgyny, and that means smaller breasts.

  21. Ashley says:

    I just signed up to follow your blog and am VERY curious how your operation goes.

    I, too, have implants. I unfortunately made a decision to have surgery when I was suffering (unknowingly) from postpartum depression. Two kids, my body had gone to shit, I felt like a crazy woman, and suddenly when my daughter had finished breast feeding, my boobs were hanging down to the top of my jeans and looked like they completely gave up on life. Accepted defeat. Deflated.

    I see now that I was only trying to create some normalcy or regain control in all of the confusion and craziness. I had a lift and asked to be “made” back to my natural size before children. I am grateful and surprised how natural they look, but I can definitely relate to the feeling of them being alien. I feel people look at me differently and know my boobs are impostors. I miss the sort of flow, sway and hanging feeling that I had before my operation.

    If I were mentally healthy, I don’t think I would have made the decision I did. I don’t think women understand how foreign fake boobs actually feel, and perhaps many get used to it in time, but I haven’t and it’s going on 3 years post op for me.

    Regardless, I would love to know how your surgery goes and am considering the same thing down the road. Thank you for sharing your story and for being so open and honest about it. I never want to sound ungrateful for the opportunity I had to “better” myself, but I relate to wanting to be known and respected for my character versus my desire to be accepted for what I thought was my ideal physical self.

  22. CaliGrl says:

    Apologies, that should have read uneventful. Cheers!

  23. CaliGrl says:

    Dear Nicki, What a wonderful example and inspiration you are to many women and young girls! Your well thought out reasoning and decision (without judgement to others) is empowering; and while i do not have “inserts”< I have absolutely felt pressure from my friends to have some work done and am glad to not have caved. Especially when several friends have awoken in horror to the deflated one side of their chest, even then they go back to have them replaced rather than removed because they feel they will look less than. THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU for being a guiding light about your experience. I wish you the best and hope that your surgery is unevenfull and pain-free.

  24. Amen! Not sure why this is such a thing. They have been around for years but they just aren’t great. Wifey (who was gifted naturally) are now longer tear drops which she hates, she wants plungers and I’m fighting tooth and nail to keep the scalpel away from her. I laugh at the beach along with you seeing the 115lb 5’1″ woman with a 34d, if I can see them from behind you…You’ve done something horiffic. And for all the ladies with what THEY think is a small chest. Full perky small tits are so so so much more attractive than big, hard
    ,personality lacking fakes…at least for real men not porn obsessed boys.

  25. Muse says:

    Who the fuck are you? You are awesome. Find me. We would be bffs forwver. I like scrabble too. Im not a guy, Im not a wierdo. Im a girl, photographer, Im 37, i have a 5 year old girl, and I guess Im happy now I never got the fake boobs bc I thought they were perfect just the way they were(although secretly I wanted bigger ones). That’s not why Im writing to you though. Im writing to you because you are a good writer, and I have to admit your rant on hipster beards made roll on the floor laughing. Not really, but the equivalent of it when you are laughing in your mind while staring at your phone at 12am bc you cant sleep and are a night owl and what you are reading is funny but when staring at a phone for some reason you laugh a little less than without it. Anyways, I want to keep reading you. I will book mark you if nothing else, but would love to have you add me on something so I can read your crazy stuff often. I do think you sound like a part of me though, so we might make cool penpals. If this inspires you to write I suppose it may. Id ask you to add me on facebook but I dont want to be reduced to what you know of me by what I talk about to my high school friends. I would rather you find out about me another way, so just google me if you are inspired. I go by abandonedmuse. Thats my website and my email. Talk to you soon hopefully tribal elder lol. You are such a fucking indigo. You ever try meditating?

  26. BrianHI says:

    Well said. Thanks for your disclosure and honesty. I have dissuaded a few girl-friends from boob jobs for many of the same reasons you mentioned. They really don’t look that good…

  27. j.g says:

    I love reading interesting blogs, and I found this one pretty interesting. Yes I have witnessed the same wannabe “man” riding the 10 speed with a beard, not being able to change a tire I guess called a hipster, who wears the black glasses , doesn’t appeal to you cause of the costume bearing plagiarist of a man underneath. Agreed! Here my question to you nicki, from someone who admittedly has fake boobs, a piercing on her face and a single mother and is quite attractive, would you fit the category for a real man (who happened to wear a beard and can change a tire), as a real good hearted, loving woman, who is really artistic, rebellious, imaginative , inspiring that your outsides would say to you to be?

  28. Mel says:

    Ugh, I can relate 100%! I got my silicone implants under similar circumstances- I just wanted a *lift* but was talked into adding implants by my ex-boyfriend (whom I name “douchebag”)… Now I’m saddled with 38DD’s, and I MISS my 36C’s!! Even if they were saggy from breastfeeding 2 babies… they were mine. And they fit into normal clothes- now I keep trying to find cute dresses and tops that will contain these monstrous things. :/ And forget bikinis. I spill out of both the top and bottom of the damn things. It was a big mistake (no pun intended) and I knew it right away after the surgery, too.

    I’m saving up the cash to have them removed and the lift re-done, so I can hopefully get back to my normal self. Good luck to you!

  29. Sonja says:

    Good for you. :) I’m sure they will be awesome! I am the only woman in my family (that includes 2 sisters and my mom) that doesnt have a boob job. Now that i’m older I’m SO glad I made this decision. Again, kudos!

  30. Britt says:

    A decade with saline implants is hero’s work. And it’s quite possible they’ve reached their expiration date, anyway. Remove, replace, renew… a grand plan for the New Year! I have silicone un-fun bags for cancerous reasons and there’s not a single moment I’m not aware of them. My husband (a plastic surgeon) was a great adviser for size, and every time I see them try to escape my yoga top, I’m happy I went smaller. Go find yourself an excellent doc…

  31. Nicki… Boy, do I hear you…. While my 34K is completely natural, I’ve considered reduction for the same reasons you listed.

    They don’t look good because clothing isn’t cut to flatter my proportions. Finding bras that fit properly is hell to boot.
    They don’t feel good either as the weight causes constant strain on the back, and most bras either indent your shoulders or have uncomfortable underwire.
    They are not sexy at all. Men (and some women) talk to my chest instead of my face. I once asked a ‘gentleman’ what color my eyes were, and his response was ‘double d?.’ It’s hard to be sexy when you’re so self concious. I don’t wear provacative clothing and am quite reserved.
    People actually do lower their expectations of your intelligence based on breast size. In my experience, most assume a busty girl’s IQ is about 40 points below their own. What’s worse is that even after you prove your self once (or thrice) some will continue to revert to those low expectations.
    My daughters will very like suffer the same problems. There is nothing short of surgery I can do to spare them. Since reduction hinders the ability breast feed, that’s an option I can reccommend only later in life.

    Nicki, I think making the decision to remove the implants is well reasoned and healthy, I hope your family and friends are being supportive. Maybe some day I will be brave enough to get a reduction myself.

    • Thank you for your thoughtful and sensitive comments. I feel for women who come by these problems naturally. I have a few friends who have gotten reductions and they are very happy.

      And as for the IQ thing, yes it is so true. I didn’t know our brains reside in our mammaries.

  32. My friend sent my other friend here to read about beards, but I’m nosey, so now I’m here and addicted. I wanted fake boobs and a belly button ring so badly, but alcoholic boyfriends aren’t the same as drug addicted ones – no matter how thin and breastless I was, I was still a D cup through his beer goggles. I have to send this to my best friend with the note – “remember when I wanted boobs?” This was a great read.

  33. usmarine1979 says:

    I don’t understand the hateful pic of the man’s nipple… At least it’s sporting an untrimmed and manly (non hipster) beard.

    I just found your blog (I think that’s what it is) and gotta say, keep up the good work.

    Semper Fi

  34. Love this blog. WIll be sending you healing thoughts as you remove your past from your chest.

  35. List of X says:

    If Johnny Hollywood liked big boobs so much, he should have implanted them into himself.
    But why did you have to include the picture of my hairy nipple?? Now I feel self-conscious about my man boobs…

  36. Daile says:

    This is a great piece Nicki, I have on a rare occasion considered plastic surgery… I would love to have bigger boobs but I really don’t think I would love to have fake boobs. Does that make sense? I do think what I’ve got suits me and my shape and I would look ridiculous with fake boobs. I think you are making the right decision and through this whole post I was thinking “why doesn’t she just get them removed?” so I was cheering you on in the end. Good luck, I think it’s going to be a very empowering thing for you and your daughter

  37. […] and brain-damaging child-hood abuse – I find joy in telling someone who I think is cool that I would grope their boobs. And I find joy in the prospect of making cool blog badges (something I’ve never done) that […]

  38. Another great piece, Nicki. As a Mother of a boy, I think it’s good to remember that we are also, always, sending messages to young men. My son will grow to look at women as I have taught him to- I can choose for him to value women of natural beauty and to appreciate women as his equal, or I can raise him to see women as an object for his enjoyment. (Not to ignore socialization, but it all starts at home)Great conversation starter, and great way to come out and be vulnerable in such a powerful way.

    • Thanks, Erin. I often forget about the boy perspective, as I am raising a daughter, but hopefully they will live in a world of greater gender equality than we have experienced. And you’re right, it begins at home. We must wield our power responsibly, it is an incredible honor to help shape a young life.

  39. samara says:

    Nicki-
    I actually posted something in response to a comment on your post.
    I resisted my impulse to comment on your commenter, and instead wrote my own. And, as usual, got myself in trouble. When Will I Learn? Never.
    That’s why I’m a Buick In the Land Of Lexus. Never fitting in. hahahahahaha.

  40. The Hook says:

    Nicki,
    At least you’ve imparted a wonderful message to the world: DON’T MESS WITH IMPERFECTION”.
    Well done, beautiful lady – inside and out.
    Well done.
    The Hook

  41. My Muted Voice says:

    Love this and good for you! I have to admit, I was always barely a B and I always thought I wanted to be bigger. I was never happy being smaller, but was never at the point to take the leap and get some. I unfortunately gained too much weight with my son and now I’m quite the full C and I can’t stand it. I’m self-conscious of them, they make me feel even bigger, I hate having to wear a bra all the time and it’s not at all what I thought it would be. I definitely miss my small girls.

    All that aside, it never occurred to me what kind of message it would send to my child if I had a girl. What a great message you will send her and how lucky she is to have such a great mom!

    • Thanks, girl! You’re right. I never thought about how this would impact my daughter. But that’s kind of the magic of having kids, suddenly you have someone in your life who is more important to you than yourself. I just really want her to feel like she’s ok no matter what. Life is hard enough for women, without her having to measure her breast size against her own mother’s.

  42. Holy shitstorm, Batman. Your comments are en fuego! I just want to let you know that I don’t feel like you’re ‘shaming’ anyone for getting fake knockers. I laughed my ass off and THAT is what matters here. You are awesome. Keep writing amazing shit. That is all.

    • I had a few people who were concerned that I may be insulting women who had gotten fakers and were happy with them. I wanted to explain that most women with implants have endured enough comments, groping, etc. that they’ve developed a pretty thick skin about it. So I’m glad you’re here to prove my point.

      Besides, we’re in the bar business. We’re a different breed.

      • Nicki, As a Plastic Surgeon, I completely understand and appreciate your comments. A woman should NEVER get implants for the reason you did…ie. for a man, a relationship, to save a marriage. When placed in an appropriate candidate, happiness scale is above 95%! You should have never gotten them. I always spend half the time in consultation discussing the psychology of body image. I would hope all Plastic Surgeons do the same.
        The implants can be removed easily in my office under local anesthesia.
        Happy New Year from Cincinnati!
        I hope you are not disappointed that you will not make National Geographic after removal!

        • I am very happy to have a plastic surgeon weighing in on this topic. I think it’s awesome you discuss the psychology of body image with your patients. My doctor did not do this at all. In fact, he urged me to go bigger, stating that most women were very happy with their implants but the most common complaint was wishing they had gone larger.

          Also, I called a highly recommended local office to enquire about explantation and they tried to tell me I would not be able to have the procedure done without getting smaller implants put back in or getting a lift. I’ve since learned this is not the case.

          I will call your office, because you seem like a cool dude. Also, please realize in no way am I blaming my doctor for not talking me out of getting implants. I was a fireball when I was younger. If you tried to talk me out of something, I was that much more determined to do it.

          • I look forward to meeting you. You are correct…you don’t need to replace them with smaller implants nor necessarily need a lift, that is a breast lift. You will likely get a psychologic lift by removing them. I must say that with appropriate screening and augmentation surgery, virtually all my patients are thrilled with the results. My office is in the Kenwood area. 513-891-4440.

            • Thank you, Dr. Kurtzman. Your office is right by my parents’ house. Again, I agree with what you are saying. Virtually all my friends love their implants, but they got them for the right reasons.

  43. Elyse says:

    I hope the freshly press this post, Nikki. And print it out and put it into the offices of pediatrician sand plastic surgeons worldwide.

    Good for you. Good for your daughter. Good for womankind. Seriously.

  44. Trent Lewin says:

    You know, in Alberta, there are pyramids made of sulphur blocks. It’s the stuff they collect from the desuphurization of gas related to tar sands extraction. You can look this up. They’re huge yellow pyramids that are the size of football fields, out in the middle of nowhere.

    I never understood the fake boob thing, I don’t know why men are so into them and why women are at times into what men (of all people) think. Men are dumb. It’s been proven. The worst serial killers of all time? Men. The worst despots and dictators? Men. The most incessant masturbators? Men. Still, there’s got to be an opportunity for fake boobs here, similar to the sulphur pyramids. They should float, right? How about a few boats made of boobs? I don’t know exactly how seaworthy they would be (I guess you could ask a sea-man), but you would always have a place to lie your aching head after a long day of sailoring.

  45. kailahjade says:

    I understand your reason for wanting them removed. I also see a side where in a world, you proudly chose those boobs for you, it could be a whole other lesson for your daughter. I myself am considering fake boobs and in their defense you can get teardrop ones (even if they might spin ;S) and I think we are growing up in an age where you have the power to be who you want and it is totally your right to make that decision. My mum and her fried egg boobs were a genetic let down. I want to fill a bikini. I intend on nothing too overt, just something to make me look…feminine AND that look will make me proud. Or MORE proud of me and of my decision to take control of my body, because I can. In the end I think doing it for me and only me is the key and that bit of selfishness NEEDS to be given to women. I am proudly selfish, too many women in my life live with guilt when they spend any time or money on themselves. Not me and they shouldn’t either.

    • That sounds great to me. I have gotten a little bit of flak about this post from a few women, who basically said I am slut-shaming women who choose to get implants. I am not saying that at all. I know A LOT of girls who love their implants. The difference between those girls and me is that they didn’t like their boobs, they empowered themselves to get new ones. Period. I applaud that. I, on the other hand, was totally fine with my boobs and got them on a WHIM to please a man!!
      It’s almost comical, except it’s true. This post is just my own experience. I’m glad you were able to enjoy the post and not feel like I was demeaning your decision. Because I’m totally not. Go get you some titties, girl!

  46. The only times I’ve been “blessed” with large breasts were during/after both of my pregnancies, and both times I was so happy when my nearly-D’s went back down to my normal size. Sadly, they are not the perky critters they once were, but they are mine. I accepted their droopy fate a long time ago.

    Kudos for making a brave choice for your older, wiser self.

  47. Congratulations on your choice to make a change in your life for YOU! I can only imagine the struggles you’ve gone through in coming to this decision. Whether you look like the girl-next-door or someone out of the National Geographic (yeah, that one cracked me up), it won’t change the person underneath…just your own comfort level with her. Kudos!

  48. jgroeber says:

    Just when I was looking in the mirror, noticing that my face was melting, and contemplating the wonders of botulism for wrinkles… And now you have to go and remind me that my daughters are watching.
    Loved this post! Loved the honesty. Loved the humor. And anyone who judges you for your ta-tas (whether in their plastic largesse or gently sloping brevity) can suck it. And I don’t mean the ta-tas.

    • That’s great. When you first said your face was melting, I thought, did she do acid? Then I remembered that neither of us are 19 anymore. And that’s what we need to remember when we look in the mirror. Thank god. If I could hop in a time machine, the last place I would go is age 19.

      • jgroeber says:

        I literally found myself typing to a friend today that I my kids’ skin is so smooth and yummy that I wish I could wear it, which feels very Silence of the Lambs in retrospect. Ha! I just wish at 19 I had felt as beautiful as I feel now with my naturally collagen-free face (and boobs!). I keep telling my kids that they’re beautiful now so they can maybe enjoy the moment, and also, that mama is beautiful too, so they maybe have something to look forward to. But who listens to their mother anyway?
        Rock on, brave mother!

        • I think that is part of the sadness of being a woman…that we can only appreciate our beauty at a certain time years later. I am really trying to be in the moment. And Ohmagawd I can so relate to the skin thing. I rub my daughters face like a worry stone, it is so soft and flawless it makes me weep.

  49. samara says:

    I guess I’m in the minority here; not that I don’t love your writing (you’re amazing) or think your decision to remove them and share that decision is brave (it’s incredible).

    But seriously, CAN I HAVE THEM WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OUT? I love big boobs. I LOVE THEM. I am also a small framed gal, and I would love to rock some high C’s, maybe low D’s. Nothing too big – I had double D’s that turned to E’s when i was pregnant and nursing; my upper body just looked like a circus clown car.

    I’m terrified of elective surgery, which is why I’ve never done it. That, and The Ex was one of these guys who loved small boobies and a great ass. But now that we’re not together…hmmm. I know it’ll be an Olympic event to shop for a bra. I can deal with them banging into the faucets every time I wash my face; I had 9 months of that. And I could use the storage space for cell phone, keys,wallet and probably some food crumbs.

    Talk me out of it, Nicki. Cause if I get them, I will NEVER leave the house.

  50. Angelle says:

    I gain weight, and like the girl fantasy, it goes to my boobs and butt area. I know all too well the staring that happens when my boobs are D cups and I can’t help it and oh yes, I must be a Slutty McSlutterson with boobs like that. I always feel bad for girls who are 15 and well-endowed at the age you don’t want ANYONE to notice you. It’s fucking terrible, and perverts come out of the woodwork. I wish I didn’t know about that firsthand. Ugh. It’s hard enough being a woman, why make it worse?

    Take em out. Love yourself. Boobs are totes overrated.

    • Thanks, Angelle. Boobs are not overrated, it’s just that people overrate the wrong thing. They feed babies! Like, that’s amazing! Even the teensiest, tiniest boobies in the world can make gallons of milk. I just blew my own mind.

      • Angelle says:

        Ok yes…boobs are awesome and contribute to the well being and nurturing of society. I just wish people would talk to my face sometimes…

        le sigh

        We can’t have it all, Nicki. We can’t have it all.

        *stares off into the distance, rides off on a cabbage patch kids big wheel into the sunset, cries one single tear*

  51. Nick Norton says:

    Nicki, you are simply the best. Your choice to have this surgery and the reasons for doing so(i.e. your daughter), just makes me so happy and fills me with hope. This post was beautiful and sublimely self-aware, and makes me proud to be your friend. Keep it up girl.

  52. Aussa Lorens says:

    Dang. I’m glad this post had a happy ending because I was all “No! Bummer!” while reading and then it was like “Ooo! Yeah!” at the end. I have a feeling that a lot of women may share your sentiments… all of my sister in laws are teeny tiny and half of them have gone ahead and gotten boob jobs. The one that is the same age as me absolutely hates them… She says they make her feel like a piece of meat :( That’s so shitty.
    Also! How freaking annoying is it to shop for clothes?! Oh my gosh! I’m… well endowed but only to balance out the other very well endowed portions of my body, and I’m pretty sure I look like Snooki (in the worst way possible) in about half the dresses I try on.
    I think it’s awesome that you’re doing this, and I hope it goes well. I think when we have a choice to fix a less-than-the-best decision from the past, we should do it. It’s not worth living with as some sort of punishment. Screw that whole mentality.

    • Thanks, Aussa. I agree. I have a tendency to use poor judgement and then punish myself. I’m so over it. And, yes, shopping for clothes sucks. Especially since everything fits tight and looks slutty. I’ve taken to dressing like a Pilgrim, for the most part. A very hot Pilgrim.

  53. PsiFiGal says:

    What a beautiful post! Good luck on your surgery, I can kind of relate, my ex husband was very controling, talked me into growing out my hair, change the way I dressed etc… As soon as I left him I cut my hair short, the stylist was scared to cut it too short, I had to go back the next day and say “I want it shorter!” It felt so good! More power to you, I’m proud of you girl!

  54. As someone with naturally big breasts, I can say…it isn’t worth it either way. So many people have told me, “Do you know how lucky you are?” Yep. I’m lucky to have enduring back pain, the inability to run without my tits hitting my chin, women giving me dirty looks, men thinking that my breasts mean I’m easy, and no cute bras in my size.

    I’m so happy you’ve decided to have them removed. You’re perfect just the way you are, and I’m glad you’re recognizing that.

  55. You’re one of the most evolved and self-aware people I’ve stumbled across in quite a while. If you don’t mind, I’d like to bookmark this and show it to my daughter when the time is right. It’s a better lesson that the one I could come up with.

    I was never a boob guy. Give me a pretty face every time. And if you can make me laugh? I’m toast. The One That Got Away (we all have one) had nothing to mention as far as boobs go but, holy mother of god, she had the face of an angel and the skewering wit of Beelzebub. For real.

    • That’s so awesome. I am blessed with heightened self awareness and cursed with poor judgement and a complete lack of impulse control. At least I used to be. Having a child was the best thing to ever happen to me in that regard. I put her first. Period. As for your one that got away? Trust me. Sometimes you get more than one.

  56. Maggie O'C says:

    Good for you! Mine are natural but way too big. I got them from having kids oddly enough, they got big and stayed and I have had it with them. 2014 is the year of the boobectomy!!

  57. Melanie says:

    It may be good money on elective surgery, but it’ll be worth it since you still hate them ten years later. I hope you get to do some cliff diving or mountain biking stress-free once you’re recovered.

    • I’m going to jump off a cliff onto a mountain bike! Wait. That’s the kind of stupid thinking that got me into this mess in the first place.

      • Melanie says:

        Or you could jump off a mountain bike onto a cliff; much safer and still fun. Just make sure you’re far enough from the edge so it doesn’t become off a mountain bike and off a cliff.

  58. Your writing is raw and I love it. I kinda hate that you have to go through another surgery to fix this issue. And I did not realize popping a boob was ever a thought someone had to have…maybe that’s naïve but my brain has just never gone there! I love the national geographic reference and will assure you that you are dead on…I have two kids. I actually wrote a post in honor of my Nat Geo boobs. I think you’ll appreciate the humor.

    http://tdawneightyone.wordpress.com/2013/11/22/nat-geo-boobs-…s-of-being-mom/

    I look forward to reading more glimpses into your life via your “interview”.

    • I’ll check out your post. I love a good boob story. And yes, popping a boob is a very real fear and it happens to women with implants more often than you might think. There’s even a phrase for it…”getting a flat tire”.

  59. Having a baby inspires empowering choices we never would have made prior. Suddenly self-respect and self-love are ours to model, our parting gift for them. I love this piece and all that it‘s made of. I too have sordid shameful stories to claim and tell with honestly. Writers can’t edit for everyone’s consumption. So my question is, how do we call it like it was with words that are/were our truths and still maintain our self-respecting Mommy-ness? Separate who we were from who we are and be so cautious of smearing the low self-esteem all over their beautiful little faces?

    • Man, that’s a tough one. I have already wondered how will I address so many issues of what it means to be a woman with her. How to own her sexuality, be confident, self-assured, etc. Share my past without scaring her half to death. As soon as I figure it out, I’ll let you know. Or write a book.

  60. SocietyRed says:

    Nicki,
    What makes me smile after reading this is knowing that you understand WHY you chose to have the implants installed and why you choose to have them removed. The amazing person you are today is a result of choices and learning and experiences from yesterday.
    Certainly we’ve all made choices in the past that don’t fit who we are today. Hopefully we learn from those choices. You did.
    What makes me happy for the world is that you are able to throw down words describing your story so well so others can also learn.
    Spectacular post!
    Red

  61. Ahh, I feel for you! We all can let ourselves get “persuaded” to do something by a partner, but when it’s something so permanent, it’s doubly awful, quadruply, or more! I’ve always been of the small-chested variety and probably when I was young if I had been with a man who had the money and persuaded me to get it done I would have done, but like you, I know I would have regretted it. Mine grew a bit when I had children, and I’m quite happy with their size now thank you! Very brave to post about this, and to get them removed, good luck!

  62. jkhughes2 says:

    You rock! Good luck and pamper yourself a little.

  63. TK says:

    Kudos to you for taking charge. I don’t think I could go for 10 years with something I hated in my body. I hope it all works out well for you.

  64. suzie81 says:

    Love this! When I was a bit younger, I had nothing and if i’d have had the money I would have jumped at the chance to get them done. I’m so glad I didn’t!

    Oh, and I’ve found a (not advisable) solution to having bigger boobs – eat your way to a 50lb weight gain and wham! There they are! Unfortunately, I now have an enormous arse to go with it, but swings and roundabouts and all that…

    Happy New Year!

  65. Very brave. Surprised this hasn’t been Freshly Pressed. I feel like the feminists on WordPress site would have a field day with your viewpoint.

    I’m looking forward to reading more of your stories Ms. Daniels. Thank you for sharing.

  66. JackieP says:

    Good luck in your new endeavor. I’m naturally well endowed. But I’m also short, at 5 foot even, but I’m used to mine. I think you are when it’s natural. They never bothered me except where some men are concerned, as you don’t have a face when you talk to them. Just two boobs that stick out. I never understood the fascination myself. I’ve heard too that taking them out is a lot easier then putting them in. Your daughter will appreciate it later on down the road and you will sooner than that. Stay healthy, stay happy.

  67. Good luck with your promotion to tribal elder! Btw I just don’t miss my original tits. They were shitty. I fully support you yanking out your goobags, although Shante will probably think you’ve lost your mind. You should totally ask for your implants back, they’d make great corn hole bags, or paperweights…

    • I was going to mention in this post that in now way was I trying to shame anyone who has had this surgery and is happy with the results. I think you look great. This was a post about me and my journey and I’ve always hated them. I didn’t get them done for the right reasons. You’re right, though. Shante is going to think I’ve lost my mind.

  68. Calamity Rae says:

    I admit that in all of my small boobage woes, I have considered “enhancing” the ill ta-tas.(maybe that should real lil ta-tas) I think because I go back and forth about the issue, that means I should definitely NOT do it. They are small, but I’ve lived with them for 36 years. I think they’re okay. Women and our stupid self-esteem issues. I’d probably grope your boobs too, as a woman. But only *after* our game of scrabble because that’s just proper manners.

    By the way, most importantly – who cares what they look like (i know, easier said than thought) you’re teaching your daughter an amazing and honorable life lesson.

    • Thanks, girl. Women are so freakin’ weird. We are always comparing ourselves to each other, and we have no idea that the object of our jealousy probably feels the exact same way. Men, I fear, do not do this. Thanks for reading, as always. I’m down for Scrabble anytime. My box is gathering dust (oops that sounded bad) because everyone I know is intimidated to play with me.

  69. Jennie Saia says:

    I think this is so… well… rad. It hasn’t been working for you? For YEARS? Time to make a change. It’s kind of cool that yours is so tangible – I imagine it’ll be really refreshing to just be done, as opposed to working on some more nebulous, “I’m going to be a better person, like Ghandi!” sort of resolution. Here’s to your speedy recovery.

    • Instant gratificiation RULES! Yes, these boobs have not been working for me for years. I think I deserved to feel bad about them because I made a stupid decision. But I am trying to not punish myself anymore, in all facets of my life.

  70. There was a time when 20 something party girls with drug problems and daddy issues were right up my alley! For real, I don’t know why, but I only dated women who were hot messes. I guess I thought I could help, but I mostly just had my heart broken instead. I guess I should have been more of a Johnny Hollywood dbag or something. Lol.

    I’m interested to find out how you feel after you get this fun bags removed. I hope it all goes well. Kudos to you. I’ve been with my wife for like 17 years now, so they’re the only boobs I know. I can tell you that the pre 3 kids boobs were fabulous and the post 3 kids boobs are also fabulous. When you’re in love, boobs of all sizes are the bomb, I’d think. Best of luck, girl!

  71. Good luck to you. I had As when I got married. Twenty years later, I have Ds due to kids and weight gain. (I was a smoker back then.) I’m healthier than I’ve ever been, and the girls look just fine, but I miss being on the Itty Bitty Tittie Committee, especially when I’m just hanging at home and my daughter says, “Mom! Put on a bra!”

    • Bwahaha! I KNOW, right? I miss not having to wear a bra. I only take mine off to go to bed. Sadly, I fear I will be on the itty-bitty-yet-saggy committee here soon. But that’s totally OK with me.

      • jmlindy422 says:

        You’re not going to sag! Get a plastic surgeon who can fix that while s/he takes out the plastic. Gotta believe they exist.

        • You can get a lift, but it’s very expensive. I already told myself, they are what they are. I’m not going down that road again. I have great skin elasticity (no stretch marks from pregnancy, for example) so I hope if I exercise I will be ok.

  72. Taking care of what could quite easily be a big problem as you get older is not vanity, especially when you don’t like them to start with. I think you will be very happy when all is said and done and your daughter will be very proud of you.

    • Thanks, chic! One day I will have the conversation with my daughter about my fake boob journey. Hopefully I will have instilled enough self-love and confidence in her that she will say “Mama, YOU CRAZY.”

  73. Britni says:

    I think this is a really brave post to write on a lot of levels, and I commend you for sharing your story here. I think that a lot of women can relate to societal pressures to look a certain way, and have made decisions they later regret about their bodies. I am so happy that you decided to finally take your body back and make the decision to have the implants removed, because that’s what feels right for you.

    That being said, I just wanted to share a couple reactions that I had while reading your post. I felt like it could make women who have chosen to have breast implants and who are happy with that decision feel like you think they’re slutty. There was language equating implants with “sluttiness” or “slutty whores” that made me uncomfortable. I totally empathize with the way you feel about your own breast implants, and I imagine that I would feel much the same way if I’d had them, but some women are happy with their decisions and that’s valid, too. I think that it would go a long way to acknowledge that it’s totally okay for women to have this surgery and decide that it was a good thing for them to do.

    Again, thanks for sharing. It’s nice to hear women telling each other that they’re beautiful just the way they are, and that elective surgeries to change their appearance may not be all they’re cracked up to be. <3

    • I responded to you on Facebook, Britni, but I just want to say again that I agree 100% with everything you are saying.

      I just wanted to speak from my own experience and not try to conjecture about why other women get implants.

      I know a LOT of women that have them, and most of them are happy, or claim they are.

      When I use terms like whore and slut, I am just using terms that have bandied about and hurled at me for the last 10 years. I am being self-deprecating.

      And I also would add that I think a LOT of women get implants to cave to societal pressures to look a certain way or like me, got them just because some dumb guy they were with liked big boobs. That is NOT OK.

      It’s great that this option exists. I am all about having options. But again, this piece is in my voice and about my experience, and I know I have regretted them constantly.

      I don’t want to shame anyone. But if there is one person who reads this and decides that they are thinking of doing this for the wrong reasons, than it was worth it 100%.

      Thanks for reading, and I really do think you have some great insight.

  74. Right on, sister. I have a naturally big rack, it’s all I’ve ever known, but they’re me, and that’s the way I like it. If it ain’t you, whether it’s natural or surgically enhanced, then it ain’t right.

    • Thanks, Weebs. All my naturally big-boobied pals (and I’ve got a few) complain about their back pain, trouble finding bras that fit, etc….and they’re like “why on EARTH did you do this on PURPOSE?) We should love our boobies no matter what size they are. But I have to ask-can you get a psychic read on what mine will look like? Ha!

  75. Whilst I’m not besties with you (or anything ies for that matter) like Le Clown. I absolutely agree with everything he just said.

    And you’re right. Whilst they initially seem appealing to walking boners like myself and the rest of the douche brigade, the reality is different… Anyway, good for you and I’m sure you’ll still bring all the boys to the yard. Hope it all goes well.

  76. TJLubrano says:

    Now this is a side you hardly hear in the world. “Be who you are, love yourself for you are and how you feel comfortable with yourself.” This is a message everyone should carry inside their hearts. Your story is one more people should hear as it’s not always sunshine and roses when you have implants. And I can only imagine that you’re wondering how you will look without them, but you will probably feel more like who you are and this will radiate towards the outside world. I can’t express myself enough how brilliant and truly self-empowering this is.

    You have every right in the world to feel good in your own body without the opinions of the outside world. Thank you so much for sharing this!

    Happy New Year to you!

    • Thanks, TJ. If I had a doubt, it was erased New Year’s Eve. I wore a strapless dress, and all night long I was getting ogled by man, hated by women, and boob-wrangling (pulling dress up, pulling dress down, adjusting bra, checking for nip slips)…it was awful. I thought “I don’t have to do this anymore.”

  77. aFrankAngle says:

    I consider this a public service announcement … so well done, and of course with a touch of edge. Good luck with the next step! … and cheers to your honesty.

  78. You are awesome, Nicki. Best of luck with the procedure. I love your message of self love and your honest and humorous reflection of your past.

  79. Katie says:

    Good for you. I’m sure they’re going to look fabulous, but it’s more important that you FEEL great.

    I lost my average-sized boobs when I lost weight, but I’ve come to love my smaller ones. Reclaim those fun bags, lady!

  80. Fresh Ginger says:

    Ta ta to the titties! Good luck to you and I hope the procedure goes well. Please choose your doctor carefully. And, most of all, be happy with who you are. You are not just boobs.

  81. Le Clown says:

    Nicki,
    I am so fucking proud of you for writing this, and for your decision to have them remove. It’s an important message, the one about self-love, and self-acceptance, to love yourself just as is. You’ve been writing a slew of outstanding posts, but this one, for me, wins it all. So fucking proud to call you a friend.
    Le Clown

    • Thanks, friend. I didn’t really mean for this to be an empowerment piece. But I think I’m been going along thinking I “deserve” to live with these hooters because I made the decision to get them. But it was a different person who made that decision. It really is because of my daughter. I don’t want to have an uncomfortable discussion with her ten years down the road. I’m sure we’ll have plenty of uncomfortable discussions. Just not that one.

  82. millivillainy says:

    Reading the blog directly after the first blog I read hardly constitutes stalking. I just find it so funny that someone talking about how they wished they weren’t judged by people can make her next blog post about how some men shouldn’t wear beards because YOU don’t deem them manly. It’s cool. You need an ego boost or some shit.

Hey girl, where you going? Slow down. I just want to talk for a minute.

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